17. Varian

"No, I had no idea." The shock was evident in his tone.

"Do you want me to go?" I asked, hardening myself to his possible answer.

"No, I don't give a fuck. Hael could be, and I've spent years in close quarters with him. We share a bus. Why would it bother me?"

"It's different sharing a bed," I said, feeling a little better but not fully.

"I don't think every gay guy wants to fuck me. My ego is not that big. That's like saying I'd be attracted to every girl I came into contact with." Arik's expression twisted into absurdity and rejection of the premise. "That's also like saying all gay people are rapists. Even if someone is attracted to you, if you trust them enough to have them sleep next to you, you should know they aren't going to do anything you don't want. It's absurd on every level."

"I agree. Thank you."

"For what?" he asked, brows pulling in like he really didn't know.

"For not being a toxic douchebag, I guess." I laughed. "It really isn't something we should have to thank people for, but here we are."

"No, I get it. The world is trash. People shouldn't even have to come out because it doesn't matter. Are you out? Not that I'd spread it around, but I do want to know what's safe." Arik was too good for this world, and it only made me like him more.

"To the band I am. Not to anyone else. I'm sure Dylan knows or assumes. He spends enough time with us. Our manager knows. He's reiterated what we already knew about the music industry being homophobic and that it would really impact our shit with them if I was super open about it. It's run by a bunch of old white dudes. And they told us we all need to appear single anyway, so it's not like I'd be dating anyone publicly." I knew all of this before I got into music. I'd grown up in this world. So it wasn't a surprise.

"Is it really that bad? I've never thought about it."

"If you're straight, you don't really have to," I muttered, fixed on whether he'd deny it.

"Which is also shit. Everyone should care about that double standard." Arik gave the most noncommittal answer he possibly could have.

Fuck.

Of course, I assumed he was straight, but I wanted to know for sure. I wanted to be able to close the door in my mind. But since he'd had so many opportunities to come out in return, I had to assume he was either straight or didn't want to say anything.

"It is utter crap," I replied, keeping my feelings close to my chest. My dad told me a long time ago I'd never make it if I was queer in this business, and if I really wanted to make it, I'd better fix that part of myself. I'd never told him, but somehow he suspected. More confirmation no one would ever put me first. I was broken on too many levels. So I'd bask in the glow of our friendship as long as he'd have me.

Arik adjusted, stretching out, which moved him a few inches closer. My pulse thrummed in my throat. My gaze trailed over him in the low light.

Why did it feel so good to be this close to him?

How did one person feel like all the atoms in the universe conspired to make stardust? Stardust entirely designed to make me happy. One person shouldn't feel this fucking good.

Our silence wasn't uncomfortable. The bus moved, and the white noise of the road pressed in around us. The steady vibration of travel. The only one that lulled me to sleep.

Arik tapped my shoulder, and I realized I'd closed my eyes.

"Hmmm?" I muttered, opening one.

"Mind if I change the music?"

"I won't hold it against you if you turn off my music." I wished the lighting was better so I could see how it looked like this. Memorize his face.

He half sat up and rustled around in the little cubby by our feet, his hip bumping into my thighs. I dug my phone out and sent my brother a quick text to tell him where I was, then I tried to scoot back to give him more room but flailed as I lost my balance, about to fall out of the cubby.

He grabbed my arm, saving me from the fall. "I was trying to get out of your way?"

"By sleeping in the hallway? That might annoy everyone else," he teased, not letting go of my arm.

"You really want me here. Taking up your bed?" My tone turned serious while his was playful. I cringed, not wanting to darken the mood.

"Yes."

"Really?" It was hard to believe. Maybe it shouldn't have been. There were tons of groupies waiting after every show to fuck either one of us, and yet, I'd rather be here.

"I've never wanted anything more," he said so softly I thought I'd imagined it.

Whysat on the tip of my tongue, but I couldn't make myself say it. I couldn't seek more validation with the risk I'd lose it.

Sleep pulled at me to the soft sounds of the post-hardcore album Arik put on.

Some time later I rolled, arm brushing bare skin. Hot breath fanned over my pillow, sweet like cinnamon. The Tic Tacs he always popped while everyone else smoked.

My first instinct was to pull back, but the touch of skin against skin and the warmth his body gave off… Comfort in chaos.

Carefully, as to not disturb him, I readjusted, stretching out to lay on my stomach, my shoulder against his unabashedly. A smile played on my lips, savoring a happy moment in a sea of mediocre.

* * *

A groan sounded in my ear, and a body shifted closer.

I froze, groggy, barely coming to. I was stiff and my arm was asleep. Not quite human in the way only a deep sleep leaves you.

Where had I fallen asleep?

The possibilities were endless after the life we'd led on tour.

But it all flooded back to me, whispers from the universe of what happiness tastes like.

I didn't move, pretending to be asleep, waiting for him to say something or shift away again. But Arik didn't move. He rolled, pressing in closer, stomach pressed into my side. I fought a smile, wary he could see it in the low light. I didn't dare slip and alert him to my waking.

"I got to piss."

"I'll get up," I said with a groan, shifting to get my muscles working again.

"No." He put an arm over me to prevent any motion. "Did we stop moving yet?"

I listened, but after days on the road, my body felt more akin to driving than at rest. "I can't tell."

"What time is it even?"

"How would I know? Time doesn't exist with the curtain drawn." I yawned through my words. "I need some coffee." I tried to move again, but he tightened his grip. "Not letting me out?"

"Five more minutes, Mom," he teased. "Do you hear anyone else out there?"

My stomach dropped. "Want me to sneak out?"

"No, I want to know if someone's made a pot of coffee." He picked up his head, peering at me in the dark. "You want to sneak out?"

"No. I don't care. Will anyone…" I didn't know how to ask what I wanted to ask. I tightened my fingers on the soft silk of the pillowcase like the fabric could save me.

"What?" He flopped to his back, pointing his toes, lifting his arms above his head.

It didn't break the contact of our bodies. It brought him closer, more in my space. Two guys crowded into a twin bed, shoulder to shoulder. We were squeezed in, and I'd never been happier.

"Will any of them care?"

"About what?" Confusion colored his tone.

"Us in here…all day…"

"Why would they care?" he asked again.

"Do I have to spell it out for you?" It felt stupid, and I turned my face into the pillow, not wanting to face the shame.

Arik started laughing. "I'm just giving you a hard time."

I shoved him. "Fuck off."

"Nah, they're cool like your band. They don't give a shit what we do as long as we aren't keeping everyone else awake." He put his lips next to my ear. "Unless you're locking yourself in the back lounge, hogging it."

I didn't dare move, a shiver running down my spine. "Does that mean we get split time? Like two nights a week back there?"

"Two? That math ain't math-ing. There are four of us."

"Your manager is getting a night. That's five, and I'm six. Got to make my claim."

He scoffed, shoving me playfully. "Get up. We got to get your delusional ass some coffee before you claim more of my bed."

"I didn't hear you complain once." I locked eyes with him before climbing out of the bunk.

The pungent aroma of coffee wafted to my nose.

Ser leaned against the narrow countertop, sipping from a mug. He glanced between the two of us.

I broke the intense eye contact, grabbing a cup. I'd let Arik explain.

"Morning…afternoon…whatever." Arik said, reaching around me to grab a mug, pressing into my back.

Fuck. I exhaled slowly, waiting for him to pull back. But he didn't. He took the coffee pot and filled his cup around me. Had I woken up in some alternate universe? Surely this couldn't…

Arik backed off to lean next to Ser. "Where are we?"

He acted like this was nothing.

Another day.

"Nashville," Ser said, still looking at me. "What made you ride with us?"

"We were talking, figured we were going to the same place," Arik answered for me.

"Your bus is packed—I don't envy you. But we have an empty bunk. You didn't have to sleep in that cramped space. Not like Hael is shy about taking the back lounge."

"And Kiernan. What do you figure that is?" Arik asked.

Ser lifted his shoulders, tilting his head. "Not my business."

"I don't care if it's not your business. I want to know if they are hooking up!" Arik grinned.

"Nosy bastard." I took a gulp of the coffee, feeling in my pocket for my phone before remembering I'd taken it out and shoved it under the pillow after texting Val.

"I won't deny it. I love gossip." Arik had a glint to his eyes as he wagged his brows. "I need to grab a shower."

"You heading to the bathhouse?"

"I got to. I thought about stopping at a truck stop, but we slept through it." Arik lifted his shirt to his nose and wrinkled it. "You didn't tell me I stink."

"I didn't notice." Or I liked it.

Arik had a manly scent laced with spice and leather. He could distill that shit and sell it to his fans. They'd pay its weight in gold.

Arik lingered, searching my face. "We're early. If I go now, I should beat the rush. Want to come?"

I almost spit my coffee all over him.

Had he just…?

Was he…?

What the fuck.