16. Arik

Silence stiffened between us.

Had he not heard me?

Was he trying to come up with an excuse to leave?

I started to shut down. Why the fuck had I said anything at all? I knew it made me weak to need these things no one else seemed to need. Every other guy in however many bands did this. Most of them didn't bring a girlfriend with them. Why the fuck was my mental health so dependent on touch?

I got really fucking tired of asking myself what was wrong with me.

I felt like a goddamn freak compared to everyone else.

It made me feel fucking crazy. Like I was the only one having this fucking experience, and it made the world even more lonely, knowing I was the only one who was like this and even more lonely because no one could even relate.

"If you'd rather go back to your bus..." I tried to shove past him but bounced off his statue-like body, rebounding the few inches into the wall.

"Where are you trying to go?" His tone changed, but only a hair. He became more serious than I'd ever seen him.

"To bed."

"Inside or out?"

"What the fuck are you talking about?" I stared at his face, trying to get a read on his expression.

"Inside against the wall of the bunk or outside? We aren't moving once we're in there, so choose carefully." What was he saying? Did he agree to stay?

"I don't have a preference. Which do you want?"

"Outside. That way, you can't bail on me in the middle of the night." He smirked as he said it, knowing exactly what he was doing.

"Are you calling me skittish?"

"Fuck yes, I am. I can see it in your eyes." Varian brushed his fingertip next to my eye.

"What can you see?" I asked doubtfully.

"Your green darkens to almost a forest when you spiral." How could he see me so well when I didn't even want to see myself? "Do you not believe me?" he said when I didn't reply.

"I believe you. I've never had anyone notice my eyes changing. I didn't know they did that." My words came out breathless, like something between us had changed.

"I can promise you they do." He leaned in as he said it.

I swallowed, the charge in the air making it hard to focus. But he pulled back before I could process what had happened. Maybe nothing had.

It felt like I'd imagined the electricity as he pulled back the curtain on my bunk. "After you."

I jumped up into the twin mattress, shoving over against the back wall to give him two-thirds of the space. I was a little wider than he was, but he was a little taller. Did he even fit comfortably in one of these alone?

"I have an extra pillow." I pulled it out of the little cutout by the foot.

He took it and slipped in, stretching out on his side facing me. "Thank you." He tucked one arm under his pillow, while the other hung loosely draped over his stomach. "See? Plenty of room."

"How many people did you sleep with in their dorms?" I asked teasingly.

"A few when I had to."

"Had to?" I asked, not sure I wanted the answer.

"Sleeping on the floor in people's rooms gets old. I wake up so stiff. So if I knew someone well enough or they were willing, I shared a few beds." He lifted his shoulder, trying to play it off like it wasn't a big deal. "Did you never tour like that?"

"We've never gone on, like, a real tour. This is our first one."

He scoffed, shaking his head. "Fucking spoiled."

"What?"

"You get a bus on your first tour. It's fucking unheard of. Lucky fuck." He smiled so he didn't seem upset about it.

"I wished on a star, and here we are."

He laughed again. "You are something else. Good thing I like it."

"You like it?" I had to know why.

"Arik?" Ser called in a drunken stammer. "You here? We got to leave!"

"Fuck." My heart jumped to my throat. I searched Varian's face, not really wanting to explain to Serafin why there was another dude in bed with me. "Want to pull that closed."

He narrowed his eyes like he'd object but reached behind himself to tug it closed.

"I'm here. In my bunk," I called out, keeping my eyes locked on Varian's to make sure I wasn't pissing him off.

"Sweet. Koa come back okay?" Ser asked.

"I haven't seen him, but someone is locked in the back lounge. I haven't seen Hael either."

"You not staying up to keep drinking?" Ser asked after another second.

"I'm pretty wiped. I think I'm just going to lay in here." I held my breath, hoping he wouldn't try to get me to come out or rag on me for it.

"Cool. We'll try to keep it down. But if you're going to sleep, put on your noise-canceling headphones."

"Will do." I mouthed, "I'm sorry," to Varian because we hadn't thought this through enough to grab any of his shit. He lifted a shoulder like it wasn't a big deal.

A knock sounded toward the back of the bus, and Ser's voice followed. "Who's in here? We're about to leave."

"You're so cute being Band Daddy," I called out.

"Fuck off."

"Me and Hael fell asleep," Kiernan said, his voice husky and laced with sleep. "We got fucking lit."

"Why is the door locked?" Serafin asked, voicing the question on my mind.

"Good question," Varian whispered.

"No shit," I replied in a hushed tone.

The door creaked open.

"We had it locked earlier so no one would come fuck in here. Must have stayed that way when we closed it," Kiernan said easily.

"Have you seen Fox?" Ser asked, clearly accepting that answer.

Did that door stay locked after a key was used?

"I'm testing that later," I muttered, sure I couldn't be the only one that sounded fishy to.

"You better, or I will. Do you think they are hooking up?" Varian asked, eyes lighting up with amusement.

"I've never gotten that vibe." I thought about it for another second. "I never got the gay feeling from either of them."

"Do you think you'd be able to tell?" he asked, and it came off weird to me.

"I do spend a lot of time with both of them. But who knows?" People hid shit for all types of reasons.

"I'm here. I'm here!" Koa burst in, crashing into something.

Varian put a hand over his mouth, stifling a laugh.

I rolled my eyes. "Typical."

"I think I'm in love!" Koa announced when no one acknowledged his arrival.

"You're always in love," Serafin muttered. "Drink some water and you'll realize you're not."

"This time might be real!"

"Go to bed," Kiernan said exasperation in his tone.

"Fuck that. Ser has The Matrix on." He loudly threw himself on the couch in the front lounge.

"I'll be in the back lounge," Kiernan said, which was his normal. He was always working.

"I'll go with you," Hael said.

"Hear that!" Varian leaned in to say, his warm breath fanning over my skin.

I shivered, having the sudden urge to grab him and keep him there.

Was it weird for two dudes to cuddle?

I didn't have the brain power to think about it, so I grabbed my earbuds, offering one to him. He took it out of my hands and looked at the song on my screen.

He grinned massively when he saw it was his record. "No wonder you know our music so well," he whispered.

I shrugged. "It's a good album. Want something else?"

"This is good." He popped the bud in and closed his eyes, settling back into his spot.

"Why'd you ask if I thought I'd be able to tell if they were gay?" I said after a few minutes. My anxiety brain came awake when I was trying to sleep and hadn't muted it enough with alcohol.

"I don't think it's easy to tell always. Gay guys are just normal dudes. So I was curious how you'd know."

"I meant like they'd never said anything or made a comment. Not that I think you could look at someone and know they were gay. I know they are normal dudes."

"Can you tell I'm bi?" he asked pointedly, and it felt like he'd dropped a bomb.