14. Arik

Our bands started hanging out in all our free time, which gave me an excuse to see Varian more.

I dreaded the hours of driving when we'd be apart. My days and nights flipped. I'd stay up all night with Varian, then sleep a few hours while we moved to a new city.

Being on tour became another reality. It wasn't like real life, more akin to a fever dream. People on the outside couldn't understand the hours we kept, or how disconnecting from reality being in a different city every night became.

The only people who existed were those sharing the experience. We became a family. Living like a camp of outcasts. We bonded over being the black sheep. The derelicts of our families. All of us too fucked to fit into what society wanted from us. For the first time in my life, I felt normal. Like my mania wasn't that big of a deal. Not a person on this tour wasn't damaged. We're artists, after all.

I thrived until…my high began to falter, and I felt myself crashing.

I'd never been good at getting myself out of a hole. How the fuck was I going to do it on tour? I just wanted someone to hold me, but the only person I'd ever trusted to be that had betrayed it. How did I learn to let someone else in?

knocked out of orbit and Left spinning out in space.

hit after hit of chemicals right to the brain.

I'm getting too high on the dopamine.

what's the line between friendship and infatuation?

a Kaleidoscope of things i've never felt.

i don't want this summer to End.

We got to the stop, and I went to grab something to eat and kill some time, but when I returned to our bus the door banged open in the wind.

"These fucking guys were born in a barn." I climbed the first step and froze when I saw Varian hog-tied and gagged on the floor. "What the fuck?"

He groaned over the gag and squirmed.

I fumble my phone, dialing 911. "I'm calling the cops."

He shook his head, screaming something that sounded like, "No," through the fabric.

"What?" I dropped to my knees, tugging off his gag. "What the fuck happened? Where are the rest of the guys?" My mind was going a million miles a second.

"No, don't call the cops." He was laughing and coughing.

"Do you have fucking Stockholm Syndrome? Who the fuck tied you up."

Varian laughed so hard he was crying. "Un-fucking-tie me and I'll explain. I've been here for twenty minutes," he finally managed.

I worked out the knots binding his wrists and ankles. "Fucking explain."

"The guys and I were joking on the way over here about me being a traitor, so they decided to make good on the joke. They kidnapped Ser and left me. Don't ask me how they are going to get him to play front man." Varian sat up when I got his ankles detached from his wrists. He held out his wrists for me to free next. "My motherfucker of a brother got the whole band in on it, and they jumped me as we pulled into park."

"So I got to steal back my goddamn backup singer?" I picked at the knots and glanced at the clock on the wall. "We only have a few hours."

"Better get me out of these so I can help."

I paused and smirked. "Maybe I should leave you tied up so I have collateral… It'll give me time to figure out if this is a kink of yours, too…"

Varian's mouth fell open, and he swallowed a few times before he spoke. "How are you going to figure it out?"

I shrugged, breaking the eye contact. "I have my ways."

A few beats passed before Varian replied, "They don't want me. They already left me here, best to just keep me."

I narrowed my eyes, then retrieved a Sharpie and pulled the cap off with my teeth, tugging his zip-up hoodie open to get access to his chest while he couldn't stop me.

I wrote MINE under his collarbones.

"What did you put?" He tucked his chin, trying to get a look at it.

"I'm not telling you." I pushed the fabric off his shoulders to expose his arms.

I wrote Property of Arik from forearm to shoulder with a smirk.

He rolled his eyes. "The pictures of this are going to be wild."

I sat back to work on his binds again. He caught my eyes, and something passed between us. My chest felt full.

Once I got him untied, we grabbed a joint to bribe Dopamine-Fiend with and headed out of the bus to find a couple of girls standing there.

"OMG!" one of them screamed. "Varian is with Arik."

Varian and I exchanged a glance.

"We are such huge fans of both of you," another said.

They shoved stuff into our hands to sign and then asked for pictures. We took pictures with them, and they left.

"That was a first," I said when we were alone.

"What?"

"Someone stalking me to the bus." We'd done plenty of signing at our merch table and after shows outside. But to find our bus felt like a whole other level.

"They get rabid. I'm shocked you haven't experienced it yet."

"We are just starting to blow up. I don't have big tour experience like you yet. I got to have some of your cool rub off on me." I knocked my arm into his teasingly.

"They're at your bus, not mine, star boy."

I waved him off. "Probably couldn't find yours."

He shouldered into me, knocking me aside.

"Fuck, don't do that. I haven't slept enough, only had one cup of coffee, and I'm way too sober." I righted myself and shoved my hand into my hair, getting it out of my face. When he didn't answer, I looked over to find that he wasn't next to me anymore. I turned around, finding him a few paces behind. "What?"

"Why aren't you sleeping?" He got serious.

I shrugged, not wanting to sound like a pussy. "Probably just my schedule all fucked up."

He crossed his arms. "Don't lie to me."

"It's nothing."

His lip pulled up in a growl that I felt all the way down my spine. "After all the shit we've told each other?" Hurt flashed in his eyes.

"I don't want to sound like a fucking pussy." I broke the eye contact.

"What kind of bullshit sexist shit is that? I know you're not, so why do you think it's okay to call yourself that shit?

"I—I don't know. It makes me feel like one when I'm like this." I tried to skate around the truth, but I knew instantly it was the wrong thing to do.

"You're in the alternative scene. You know that misogynist crap doesn't fly here. Let alone the toxic masculinity crap. Did you fucking call me a pussy when I opened up about my parents? Did I call you one when you were upset about your breakup?"Varian frowned, and I couldn't handle that I'd upset him so much.

"Shit, I'm sorry, man. I didn't mean to insult you."

"You're not insulting me; you're perpetuating that crap even when you do it internally. You have to stop that shit at the source, and men have to call each other out for it. This whole community has to do better." He stalked past me, leaving me speechless.

I had to jog to catch up with him. He wouldn't stop. I grabbed his shoulder and spun him around. "Don't be mad at me. I'm sorry." I didn't know he cared that much.

A myriad of emotions flickered through the lines of his face while he struggled for words.

"Please speak to me." Fear iced my lungs, and I couldn't draw a full breath.

He softened, a little. "You've somehow turned into my best friend over the last few months. I'm closer to you than even my brother. It kills me to see you treat yourself that way."

I jumped at him, wrapping my arms around his neck, hugging him to me. "I don't have the best opinion of myself."

"That needs to fucking change. I wish you could see what I see."

My chest ached. "I wish I could too." It wasn't easy to admit.

"No more of that crap. You don't get to be a misogynistic piece of shit. Nor disparage yourself." He pulled back, looking me in the eyes, and I already missed the embrace.

I clung to his shirt, not ready to let go. "I'm not trying to be misogynistic. But I get it. It's like those guys who call everything gay. I hate that fucking shit."

"Part of changing the world is changing how we speak and what we allow those around us to say."

I admired him immensely in that moment. He was so much older than his age because of the life he'd lived. So much wiser than anyone else in the scene. "It's a privilege to have you as my best friend."

"Now fucking tell me why you aren't sleeping well?"

"I think it's because I'm lonely." There was more to it, but I didn't want to get into it. "Touch-starved. It's hard to flip a switch from dating someone who slept over all the time. And it's not even sexual. It's everything. Hugs, hand-holding. I miss the stupid little shit, and it's making me feel more like a pu—" I cut myself off. "An idiot. Less than the other guys because if I said that to any of them, they'd be like ‘go fuck someone,' but it's not that." I looked away when he didn't speak. "Maybe I'm not even making any sense—sometimes I think about inviting Nicole out for a bit, but fuck, I don't want to do that." I snapped my mouth shut so I'd stop rambling.

"You're not an idiot. We are human. We are pack animals. People need to be touched and to be loved. That's another reason I hate the masculinity crap. It's ruining everyone's mental health, making us pretend we don't feel anything."

I pulled him closer, and he didn't fight it. I pressed my face into the hollow of his throat, inhaling his scent. Like leather and grunge. Sandalwood but also something floral. He'd showered on the bus before they'd tied him up.

"Thanks for talking to me and not bailing," I muttered against his skin.

"You're really fucking lucky I like you," he said against my temple.

"Are you two…" A woman's voice said.

"No." I said quickly as we detangled from one another. Realizing it was Lindsay put a bad taste in my mouth. "Best friends can hug. It's weird for you to say otherwise."

"Right?" Varian added. "Bros can hug."

"Exactly." I held out my fist, and he bumped it.

Lindsay narrowed her eyes. "Whatever. Have you seen John?"He was Dopamine-Fiend's tour manager.

"Last I saw him, he went to check us in for later," Varian answered.

"Cool." She stalked off toward the admin truck.

"I need to smoke this fucking joint."

"And I need to make sure Ser is okay." I'd almost forgotten.

"He's probably in on it. Fuck him. He's not going to miss your set." Varian's entire mood had changed. "Let's go smoke in your bus."

"You sure?"

He nodded and turned back, but we found another group of people in front of my bus.

"What the fuck?" I mouthed to Varian as I signed stuff.

He stood back, letting me have my moment until they realized who he was. Then he signed a bunch of stuff. We took pictures and then escaped onto the bus.

"What was that?"

"Word is getting out." He wore a huge smile. "You guys deserve it."

"Get that fucking joint out before I need to contemplate my reality sober." I flopped into a seat in the front lounge.

He pulled out his joint case and got it going before passing it to me. "How are you liking the bus?"

Since we hadn't really spent much time here, I realized he hadn't seen it. "It's been great."

"Do you have the nice bunks or the shit ones?"

"There's a difference?" I asked, passing the joint before walking back. "We have these ones." I pulled open the curtain on my tiny cubby.

"You have the nice ones. You can almost sit up in them. When they are three deep, it feels like you're in a coffin."

"Well, now I'm a little sad I can't live out my dreams of dying in my sleep."

He punched my shoulder. "I guess there are only four of you and your manager. Did you bring someone for merch?"

I shook my head. "Our manager does it and takes photos badly."

"You're going to have to get on that. Maybe hire Lindsay."

I wrinkled my nose. "I'll talk to Kiernan to see if he thinks we need one."

"Better photos are always good for promo. Fans love them." He leaned against the wall. "What do you use the others for? If people aren't sleeping in them?"

"I have my clothes in one." I pulled open the drape for the bunk under mine. "What do you guys use yours for?"

"Fuck off. You have a whole wardrobe bunk? Who even approved this?"

"My label and manager endorsed it and helped me find designers who wanted to dress me. So I have some cool stuff to wear onstage." I could tell he was annoyed, but I was sure it was a hint of jealousy.

"Are you Elton fucking John now? Hell's horses." Varian scoffed and held the joint out of reach when I tried to take it.

"What the fuck did you just say to me?" I asked, not even mad about the joint.

"Hell's horses. I'm trying out new ways to swear. Spice up my vernacular."

"No." I held up a hand. "Just no."

"What?" He fought a smirk.

"You know what. I am vetoing that one. Just use ‘fuck' like a normal person." I closed the curtains, shoving him back toward the front lounge. "Who all do you have on your bus?" I asked again.

"The four of us, our manager, photog, merch." He counted the people off on his fingers as he spoke. "We added a guitar tech this tour, too. The label wanted us to get used to them for the headliner they are planning."

It took a few seconds for what he said to click. "No shit? You got green-lighted?"

He grinned and nodded. "We just got told this morning."

I grabbed him in a hug and picked him up. "Fuck, I'm so proud of you. When do you leave?"

He grunted. "Right after this. We have like a week to recover."

"Shit, that's sick." I set him back on his feet. "So you're crowded as fuck."

"I'm going to have to snag a bunk over here when my bus is too loud."

"Don't threaten me with a good time." My chest tightened, liking the idea more than I should.

He cocked his head, lips parted like he was going to say something, when Kiernan busted in.

"Where's the band?"

"I think they're with Dopamine-Fiend. Why?" I turned away from Varian, unable to process our conversation.

"We got to get to sound check. It's all backed up. There's a ton of bands late because of the rain, and they want to get through those of us who are here before doors open."

"Cool. That means they'll be looking for you too." I snatched the joint from Varian's hand.

His eyes locked on mine, swirling with intensity.

What had he been about to say?

I had to know.