11. Varian

"You going to check your phone over and over the whole drive?" Vallen asked, taking a seat next to me.

"What else do we have to do?" I tossed it on the table.

"Enjoy this brand-new fucking bus? Shit, we've never had anything this nice." Vallen couldn't get over it as we'd spent a lot of the last two years touring out of a van. Having a shower made us feel like kings.

"This success to you?" I asked playfully, picking up my phone to find a different movie to put on. Maybe this one would finally distract me.

"It feels like it. Like we are starting to not just exist in our parent's shadow."

I turned to look him in the eyes. "Do you feel that way? Or do Grandma and Gramps feel that way?"

"Me…both, I guess." He paused. "Or maybe I'm projecting. They've never said anything. Why do you care so much what they think?"

"You know why." As much as I'd wanted to get away from caring what anyone thought, I couldn't break free from it. I'd merely shifted caring about what our dad thought to our grandparents. "I want them to see me as not him."

"They do."

"Or maybe I want everyone to not see me as him." I slumped back in my seat, returning to looking for a movie in the hard drive of those we'd downloaded before we left, but my phone buzzed, and I snatched it off the table.

Arik: You here yet?

Varian: No. Six more hours.

Arik: Shit. What am I going to do for six hours?

Arik: Guess I'll find some trouble to get into.

I squeezed my phone as a wave of jealousy hit me. Trouble usually meant finding groupies or drugs or both. I typed a message and erased it.

"Arik?" Vallen asked.

I looked up from my phone to make sure Fox and Bronx hadn't joined us. "Yes."

"You tell him yet?" Vallen's words made me stop typing.

"Tell him what?"

"That you like guys."

"Why would that matter?" I asked, like his question was an affront.

Val searched my face. "Because he's straight?"

"I don't know if he is. He was with that chick for a long time 'til she cheated on him, but that doesn't mean anything. Might have never tried it." I held up my hand, knowing what my brother would say. "People can be bisexual and have a girlfriend."

"That isn't what I was going to say."

"Out with it, then." I waved at him to continue.

"You're going to get hurt."

"Will you please just support me being friends with him? You are the one who told me it was good to have friends in the industry since they are the only ones who will ever understand our life." I turned my back, needing something to do with my hands.

"Because I know you. I've seen you like this. I saw the way you looked at him that night."

"There is nothing I can do about my feelings. I admit that. But I'm not going to jump him. I can have a crush and still be friends. I'm not the first person in the universe to have a crush on a friend."

Varian: Don't get into too much trouble. I need you ready.

Arik: Ready for what?

Shit. I hadn't thought that through.

Varian: To celebrate your first national tour.

Arik: I promise to save my energy just for you.

Fuuuck. I shouldn't get half hard reading a damn message.

"Is that why you like Arik so much?"

"What?" I asked, not sure what he was talking about.

"You said he doesn't treat you like others do. Is that why you like him so much?" Vallen clarified.

"It's part of it. But he's different. He's happy and high on life. He feels like stardust when everyone else is ordinary. He's excited about me." It was refreshing after years of how my grandparents acted, and it wasn't because he was a fan.

"You are addictive. People are obsessed with you. I don't think it's as hard as you think it is."

"Arik is different."

"Everyone says that about the person they like. It's a little cliché."

"No, I mean it. He's this comet, and unless I catch him now, he won't come around for another hundred years. I can't miss my chance."

Arik would blow up bigger than us. I knew it before I met him. Their momentum was a freight train.

Vallen shook his head. "Don't get hurt, please."

"Without hurt, there is no reward. Or some bullshit." Life was just suffering with little blips of happiness. So why wouldn't I chase those moments?

"That's not how the saying goes. Without risk."

"I don't think that's true. It's hurt. You have to set yourself up knowing you'll get hurt to even be in place to get the reward. So many things in life end up hurting. I'd rather choose my hurt than not have a choice in it." I pointed at my scar.

"Even if you know it's going to end badly?"

"We have to find the ones who are worth the agony, I guess. I don't know. I'm not the philosophy major. You were."

"I didn't get that far."

"It's still in your bones," I said, not unkindly.

Vallen was an old soul. He was made before this age, and in a lot of ways didn't fit into this time. He was too good. Too smart for it. There was no other way to describe it. I felt like a baby compared to him even though we were only a year apart. Maybe that's why my grandparents never treated him like he'd turn into my parents. He was born older than my parents ever acted.

I made the mistake of reading Arik's journal posts.

this glimmer in the dark.

a single ligHt of your star while the rest of the world sleeps.

Are we ever going to be okay?

why are we so easily throwing this white Picket fence out?

was it not meant for People like you and me?

are we just chasing dreams?

or nightmares.

this once in a blue moon i wish you'd hear me out.

or just take me out.

give me one more memorY i want to burn from my brain.

tonight i'm too tired to wish for anything but you.

I hated that they were about her.

* * *

The next six hours felt like six years.

Varian: We're here.

Arik: Where are you?

I stepped outside our bus, glancing at the rows of buses like I could pick out his from the crowd. Warped wasn't a little thing; it was monumental, with something like eighty-four bands and then support crews for lighting, stage design, merch, and everything else a festival of this size would need.

I didn't have any hope of finding him unless he gave me a damn landmark.

"Want to grab a beer and check out the setup?" Val said, stepping off the bus behind me.

"What the fuck did we sign up for?" I'd been to Warped before when our mom had played it like a decade ago, but this was even bigger than my memory of it.It dwarfed the last tour we'd been on beyond belief.

"This is—" Fox shook his head.

"In-fucking-tense," Bronx finished for him.

"No shit," I muttered, lacing my fingers behind my head to spin a slow circle.

"So a drink? We can walk around and get the lay of the land?" Val asked again.

Fox checked his watch. "Little early, man."

"Never too early," Bronx put his hand on Val's shoulder. "I'm with him on this one. I want to get wasted before we report to sound check."

Val nodded. "Coming?"

My phone buzzed in my pocket, and I didn't have to check it to know who it would be. "I'll catch up with you guys a bit later."

Val lifted a brow. "Alright."

I scanned the area as I fished my phone out of my pocket, not bothering to check the message when I laid eyes on Arik, standing across the parking lot, hair a mess but wearing a big fucking smile.

I took off. I don't know what came over me, but I ran at him. It only took him a second before he did the same.

We collided in the middle of a parking lot in southern California, and I knew I'd remember the moment for the rest of my life.

Instead of pulling back like the bro code would call for, he pressed in, giving me a two-armed hug. I leaned into the embrace.

"Hey," I whispered.

"Hey, you." He pulled back, and I immediately missed the contact. "How was the drive? That's a long one. Coast to coast."

"It dragged."

"You didn't have that much time off." His gaze dropped down my body, taking in probably a heavily wrinkled shirt and baggy, grungy jeans that went out of style when the emo skinnies took over everything, but I'd die on my wide-legged hill.

"You look good."

I warmed under the compliment. "I feel good. You don't look so bad yourself."

"I feel a lot better than I did when I left Chicago."

"How did the last few days go?"

He lifted his shoulders, toeing the ground. "I ditched. I took my finals and bounced. My participation grades will suffer, but I would have slit my wrists if I went to another class."

I stiffened. I'd never met anyone who talked as openly and flippantly about his mental illness as Arik. "You gonna get in trouble for that?"

"If I ever go back to Chicago."

"You love Chicago." It was written all over him. He had a love for the city I'd only ever seen in New Yorkers. There was a pride there I recognized.

"Sure, but I could see myself living here." He tilted his head back, exposing his throat.

I stifled a groan. "The weather is nice."

"I love the lake, but the smell of the ocean,"Arik murmured.

"Have you ever been here before?"

He shook his head. "Never."

We fell into silence, and I needed an excuse to keep him talking, keep him here. "Want to smoke a joint and wander around?"

"You have a plug already?"

"I drove, you flew."

"Fuck. You're right." He nodded. "Yeah, I'm in. Is there anything we need to do today?"

"We don't have sound check until tomorrow morning. The crews are working through shit and making sure everyone shows up, getting everyone their passes and all the organization stuff. Our manager is on it. So you'll know what we need to do as soon as I do if we are hanging out." I held my breath as he processed what I'd said.

"Sweet. Lead the way." His mouth tugged into a grin, and it felt like fucking starlight. There are people you come across in life that feel like magic.

Arik was one of them, and I wanted to chase him to the end of the galaxy to absorb some of it.

I pulled out our stash and the rolling papers when we got back to our bus.

Arik glanced around. "Nice digs. This must cost a fortune. You have a fucking shower?"

"It pays off to blow up. You'll be there soon. And it's only great until you think about four guys using it after playing in the fucking heat every day all summer." I made a face. "I'm going to be the only one cleaning it, I bet."

"Better than the ones Warped is providing. How many bands are on this thing? Eighty or ninety, times four or five people each band and then staff." Arik shuddered. "I'd take only sharing it with the guys in my band any day."

"Shit, I didn't even think of that. Going to be worse than a truck stop in there." I licked the paper.

His attention dropped to my lips. "A truck stop might be better, so don't mind me if I'm hiding in your shower."

"Hiding? You going to be haunting my bathroom?"

"Fuck, yes. You're going to be taking a piss, and I'm going to ask you to pass the soap."

I coughed, almost blowing the weed on the table all over the fucking bus. "Tell me you have a piss kink without telling me."

Arik's mouth dropped open. "Trying to get the down-low on my kinks already when you made me wait to ask questions about yours?"

Why did I like his reactions to me so much? Fuck, this was the worst direction to go on the first day.

"I told you we'd get to it here, and I'm a man of my word." Truth was, there was no way to have that conversation with him and not be turned on. I was trying to spare us both. "You sure you want to open that can of worms?" Maybe I could dissuade him.

"We've already shared childhood trauma and mental illnesses. Where else can we go?"

"Okay, fucking true." I dug in my pocket for a lighter. "Go first, then. What nasty shit do you like, Arik Vesper?"

"Why do I have to go first?" He narrowed his eyes and came to sit across from me, green eyes focused.

"Because I already told you one of mine." But that wasn't the real reason. I wanted to know his and it was entirely selfish.

"I like a little light choking and all the bite marks and bruises I can get a chick to leave."

My chest tightened and my mouth went dry. Why was everything with him from zero to intense in under three seconds? I found it intoxicating and addictive.

"Not gonna share with the class?" he asked when I hadn't said anything.

"I'm still trying to process what you said!" I laughed it off, holding out the joint. "Want the first go?"

He took it and put it between his lips, then took the lighter I offered, putting the flame to the end. He inhaled and pressed his lips closed, holding the smoke in his lungs while he passed the joint back.

I took a long hit.

"I can wait," he said through a billow of smoke. "I'm a patient man."

"Me too. Another thing we have in common." I hesitated, not sure how much I should let on. "I like marks, too." It was an understatement.

We smoked the whole joint.And he didn't press the kink question further while we passed it back and forth.

"What kind of marks?" Arik asked when our high set in.

It took me a whole minute to figure out what he referred to. "All of them. It's sexy when someone wants the whole world to know they belong to you."

"So, like, physical? Bites?"

"Yes."

He searched my face. "Hickies?"

"Yes." I didn't dare say more.

He narrowed his eyes. "So, like, if someone wrote on you with a Sharpie?"

"If that's the way they wanted to show it."

"I like that."

Oh, fucking do you?But I didn't dare say those words out loud.

I searched for a reply, my chest buzzing. "Good thing you don't have any Sharpies."

He picked up his head, giving me a good once-over. "That you know of."

"Who are you going to write on?" The words came out before I considered what I implied. At least I hadn't directly suggested he'd be writing on me so he didn't think I assumed that.

"I don't know anyone else, which makes you my victim."

I held out an arm in a show of grandiose daring pulled from the depths of me. "I'm waiting."

He shook his head, fighting a smile. "Don't fucking tempt me."

I tugged up my sleeve, lifting my chin and daring him. "I said I'm waiting."

His gaze flicked from my arm to my eyes. "I'm going to make you regret this."

"I guess we'll see."

"What are you going to make him regret?" Fox asked, staggering into the bus, drunk off his ass.

"He's threatening to write on me."

Fox glanced between us, and I could see the wheels in his head turning. "He claiming you?"

I coughed, stuttering to come up with a reply that wasn't sexual.

"‘Course I am. You gonna fight me for him?" Arik replied without missing a beat.

I blinked.

"Come on, man, you have to at least split custody with us. I need some compensation here." Fox made it sound way dirtier than he meant it.

"What are we talking here? Do I gotta give you visitation?"

"Can we make a trade?" Fox asked suspiciously.

I stared at him. "Who the fuck are you trading me for?"

Fox didn't give me an ounce of attention, focusing on Arik. "I want Ser. He's got the voice of an angel and those guitar skills."

"You fucking replacing me?" Vallen asked, shoving Fox out of the way to get into the bus.

"Arik started it. I'm just trying to get us a better deal," Fox said, showing no remorse.

"Damn, that's cold. But I'm in." Vallen met my eyes.

Arik jumped to his feet. "No take-backsies. He's got to play with us tomorrow."

"Only if you get Ser out onstage with us." Vallen drove a hard bargain.

"Done. I'll blackmail him or something."

Fox devolved into laughter, falling on the floor. "Fuck, I'm way too drunk for this."

"Where's Bronx?"

The guys looked around.

"He was with us a minute ago…" Vallen made a guilty face.

"You fucking lost our bass player on day one?"I stared at the ceiling. "You clowns act like this is our first tour. You know how easily Bronx gets lost."

"In my defense, he's easy to lose,"Fox said, still laughing. "Don't worry. Someone will adopt him."

"We can't play without a bass player." I shoved to my feet, grabbing Arik's arm on a whim. "Come on, let's go find him."

"I'll come help since you two are stoned off your ass," Vallen offered.

"No," I said. "You lost him. Just Arik and I are going." It might have come off mean, but after the buildup, I wanted time alone with Arik.