Chapter Twenty-Two

CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

Hayes

I ’m not proud of the fact that I don’t have the whole self-esteem thing figured out. People like to pretend it’s so easy, or as if you must have a reason for everything, but really, even before Malcolm, I lacked in that department. It’s part of why Malcolm was able to do what he did to me. The rest of it was because he’s an asshole who likes hurting people, but I digress. Back to the self-esteem. The truth is, I can’t stop obsessing over Rylan and I not having sex on our video call, and a not-so-quiet voice in my head tells me it’s because he doesn’t need me anymore, that he’s realized the math isn’t mathing and thinks their win-loss record would be the same without me. It’s not like they never lose a game and maybe he’s lost interest.

That should be okay with me. Sure, I still haven’t topped yet, but we’ve had lots of sex. I’m much more experienced now, so I should be able to take that knowledge out into the world and show other men everything I’ve learned. I shiver. The thought of Rylan and I ending this early makes me feel cold inside.

Makes me feel alone.

Which is not what’s supposed to happen. At all.

This is supposed to be easy, and I’m not sure it is.

But then I remember his soft baby before we got off our video call. That’s my sex name, and we weren’t having sex. Hearing that made tendrils of excitement curl in my gut while also making me want to run as far and as fast as I can. Letting myself fall for Rylan isn’t an option. All I would do is get hurt, and after Malcolm, I don’t know how to risk that.

I might wish I knew how, though.

My head is an exhausting place to be sometimes.

My thoughts plague me the whole way to Rylan’s place. There’s a bag sitting beside me in the passenger seat: beach clothes and things I’ll need to stay overnight. It feels so…boyfriend-y and— no! Stop that! Shut those thoughts down right now.

I park in front of his house, grab my things, and get out. Just seconds after I knock, the door pulls open, and Rylan is there, wearing that huge grin he always has and swim trunks. “Do you have something against shirts?” I tease.

“Are you complaining?” he tosses back. I take in all his golden skin, mottled with bruises, his strong pecs that I like so much, and his abs that make him look like he’s sculpted from stone, and I swallow a lump in my throat. Rylan laughs. “That’s what I thought.”

“I hate you.”

“No you don’t.” He steps aside to let me in, kissing me on the cheek as I pass, then closes the door behind me.

It doesn’t mean anything. I don’t want it to mean anything.

I jump when an unexpected smack comes down on my ass. “Get changed. It’s a perfect seventy-two degrees today, and I’m ready to go have some fun.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Oooh. I like that. Say it again.” He pumps his brows, and even while I’m shaking my head, a grin pulls at my lips. I’ve never known someone like Rylan. Someone so playful and fun-loving. Someone who doesn’t take life too seriously but is also incredibly responsible and a hard worker. It’s like nothing ever gets to him, nothing brings him down because he looks at the world and all he sees is the sunshine and never allows himself to focus on the rain. “What?” he asks, pulling me out of my thoughts.

“Hmm?”

“You’re staring at me funny.”

“Oh, just spacing off.” I hurry away from him, give Puck some love, and then rush to the downstairs bathroom to get changed, reminding myself that none of this means anything…and lie to myself again that I don’t want it to.

*

“How often do you see your parents?” Rylan asks while we’re lying on a large blanket on the sand. There’s a basket next to us with food. We’re both on our backs, but he turns to his side, arm bent and head resting in his hand.

“Once or twice a year. They stay fairly busy with the hotels and traveling. They like to spend a lot of time in London.”

“Do you still like traveling? I know you did a lot of it when you were growing up, and you still do once in a while now for work.”

It’s not something I’ve had to do since my trip to Seattle, but I never know when it might happen. If there are problems at one of my hotels, I always go.

“Yes and no. I appreciate being able to stay in LA most of the time. I like feeling settled.”

“I can see that.” Rylan reaches over with his other hand and rubs a finger over one of my nipples.

“What about you?”

“I can’t pretend it doesn’t get exhausting during the season. Over forty games a regular season are on the road, and that doesn’t count the preseason or playoffs, but it’s cool that I’ve gotten to see so many places. It wasn’t a possibility for me when I was a kid.”

“I’m sorry,” I say, and he frowns.

“Why?”

Shit. Was that the wrong thing to say? “I don’t know. Clearly, there’s nothing wrong with not having traveled, but I know things were difficult when you were young. Sometimes I wonder why me, ya know? It’s strange the way the world works, the things some people are given compared to others, but then I also look at your relationship with your parents compared to mine. I love them, and I know they love me. They’ve always accepted me and supported me, but we don’t have that bond you have with yours. I guess everyone’s lives are just different.” Which sounds like the dumbest thing I could have said. What is wrong with me? “I’m sorry if I said something I shouldn’t have.”

“You didn’t.” He leans in and presses his mouth to mine. He’s been doing that a lot, and it’s making my head spin. Rylan’s hand lowers to my belly, which again, isn’t nearly as hard or muscular as his. “The thing is, we grew up in totally different worlds, in totally different ways, but we have things in common too. We both grew up with parents who love and support us. We both felt a little out of place in the world.”

I frown. “Why did you feel that way?” I can’t imagine that for Rylan. He’s such a big personality, so confident and strong and…everything.

He shrugs, then flops onto his back. I push up on my elbow and look down at him.

“I think partly because of my biological dad. I couldn’t help feeling unwanted or like something was wrong with me because he chose not to be in my life. Even with Mace around, and as much as I love him, there was always the truth that the man whose blood is in my veins decided I’m not good enough.”

“That’s not true!” I rush out. “You’re incredible.”

He turns his head slightly. “Thanks. I know that now. Then? Not so much. When I started playing hockey, I put all my extra energy into that. I didn’t do a lot of things just for fun because my parents were working so hard to make my dream come true. I didn’t want to let them down. And I didn’t always allow myself to connect to the guys on my youth teams because I was afraid money would get in the way and hockey would be taken from me.”

I trace the bruises on his torso, listening to him, feeling him open up for me.

“Then, as I got older and started to realize I was queer…well, I worried that would get in my way too.”

“But then you decided you would be true to who you are no matter what. That was brave, especially in the sports world.” And very much on brand with who Rylan is.

“Or maybe I was just horny and wanted to be able to fuck guys without worrying about it,” he teases, grabbing me and pulling me on top of him.

“Oh my God. Stop!” But really, I’m not putting up a fight. Being pressed up against a hot body? I’m not a fool.

“Wanna go into the water with me?”

I nod. “But not deep.” Drowning isn’t on my to-do list. Ever.

“Okay.”

He gives me another of those quick pecks that feel much more intimate than they should, then rolls me off him and stands in one swift movement. Rylan holds his hand out for me, and I let him tug me to my feet.

He keeps hold of my hand as he leads me toward the ocean. There are a few people down the beach from us, but no one close enough that I’ve felt we didn’t have the privacy I’d like with him.

Once we’re in the water, Rylan wraps his arms around me. I do the same with him, clinging to him.

“Hey, are you really scared? Do you want to get out?”

“I have a fear of drowning, but I don’t want to get out. This is…nice.” I have a feeling I’m going to regret today, that all these truths I’m letting out will begin to stress me out, but I can’t help it.

“Yeah. It is.”

I lean my head on his shoulder as we bob in the water. Rylan doesn’t loosen his grip on me the whole time, his muscular arms like a vise around my torso.

“Only a little over a month left in the regular season,” he says.

Why is he reminding me that this is almost over? Because he wants to make sure I don’t feel like today means more than it does? “Yep. And then I can go show off all the things you taught me.”

His body stiffens, but I figure I must be imagining it. “I’m not sure I taught you anything. There’s always been a sex monster beneath the surface. I just helped you set him free.”

“Strength I never would have had, never would have seen it, without your help. It won’t be the same with someone else.” Holy shit. What the fuck did I just admit? What the fuck do I feel ? Mayday, mayday, mayday! This is very, very bad.

Rylan groans, deeply, and he seems…frustrated?

My insides tighten. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that I want more than friends with benefits with you. I don’t. Like at all.” I, in fact, think I do, and it didn’t hit me until this second, but I’m backpedaling because I already messed up the other night somehow. We didn’t have video sex, and now I’m making it sound like I want to marry him. Plus, as much as I like Rylan, I’m so damn afraid of getting hurt again, of being made a fool of.

A small wave hits us, and I feel like it might have hidden a face Rylan made, but suddenly he’s leading us back to the shore. “You’re killing me here, baby. I can’t figure out which way is up.”

That makes two of us. Why is he upset? “Where are we going?” I ask.

“Home.”

“You’re sending me away?”

He blanches. “What? No. My home.” His face softens, his strong jaw relaxing. His scruff is a little longer than usual, and I want to feel it against my skin. “I think I’ve been an idiot. I’ve been seeing this all wrong.”

“Maybe you can let me in on what you’re talking about.” The water pushes at us again.

“I will. Let’s go.”

Rylan keeps hold of my hand as we head back to our blanket. He quickly packs everything up. My heart is racing. It’s not hot outside, but I’m sweating. I have no idea what’s going on, but I have a feeling I did something wrong—not because Rylan ever really makes me feel like that, but because I can’t help it.

Without a word, we walk back to the house. Rylan sets the things on a table outside, then goes straight for the outdoor shower and turns it on.

So…I guess we’re showering? Doesn’t he know I’m losing my mind here?

As soon as we’re naked and under the spray, Rylan pumps soap into a sponge and begins…washing me? I’ve never had a man wash me before, and I’m not sure what to think about it.

He still doesn’t speak, and I don’t either. I just let him do this, let him take care of me and move me around while he gets sand and ocean water off me.

My head spins with confusion.

When he’s done with me, Rylan does the same to himself, and I just stand there like an idiot.

Seconds later he shuts off the water and hands me a towel.

The moment we’re out, Rylan paces the deck, towel wrapped around his waist, running a hand through his hair.

And when he stops to look at me, my heart drops when he says, “I can’t do this anymore.”