Chapter 13 Nolan

Chapter 13

Nolan

I was back to avoiding Lottie in the practice facility all because of my stupid impulses and embarrassment. I'd managed to slip around her schedule by coming to the facility a little later for my run and going through all the exercises that she normally ran me through by myself. I cornered Zeke into giving me treatment while Lottie was busy with Derek or another player. All while I found myself missing our weekly routine and her easy banter that always put me at ease during practices.

During the game the following Sunday, Lottie had picked up on me avoiding her and simply left me alone. I'd felt unsteady the entire game from being out of the routine that Lottie and I had been using. Somehow, we'd still managed to pull out a win, moving us to five wins and no losses so far in the season.

The following week heading into Monday night's game for week six was much of the same, except this time Lottie seemed to make herself scarce when it came to my schedule.

I thought the space would bring me some clarity and help both of us forget about the line that I had almost crossed. Instead, it only seemed to make everything worse. I became acutely aware of her absence while I tried to avoid her. Then I became so painfully aware of when she was near me that I couldn't focus on much of anything else. At practice my eyes would drift to where she stood on the sidelines instead of to my receivers. I watched the leaves turn from green to vibrant shades of reds and oranges as I went on our daily run by myself through the neighborhood by the practice facility as I continued to give the two of us space. I felt like I was back to square one with all the progress I had made slipping away from me.

Unfortunately, I hadn't managed to get my focus under control for our sixth game. I'd thrown two interceptions by halftime and when I sat in the locker room listening to our coach grill us on what changes we needed to make for the rest of the game, all I could think about was how desperately I wanted one of Lottie's pep talks right now. But once again, she was nowhere to be found.

The second half of the game didn't go any different than the first. The Orlando Dream handed us our first loss of the season. The silence in the locker room was deafening. It was always the hardest to deal with the first loss of the season and it was both a wonderful and terrible thing that it was happening so far in. Slowly, the team trickled out of the locker room toward the team bus that would take us back to the airport and home.

Eventually it was only Derek and me left.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Derek was sitting in the cubby of the locker he was using, fully dressed for the plane. It looked like he had been waiting for me this entire time.

"Not really," I told him. I let my eyes drift closed for a second to try and will away the itch in my head that was Charlotte Thompson. It was an itch I couldn't quite seem to scratch.

"Well, too fucking bad, because I'm going to make you talk about it anyways."

Derek raised both eyebrows as an invitation for me to start talking and explain why I'd been so out of sorts this past week. I let out a sigh as I took off the remainder of my clothes from the game. I knew I was stalling because I was afraid the moment I admitted to Derek that I was pretty sure all of this centered around Lottie, he'd grow excited and I didn't need that version of him right now.

Surprisingly, Derek waited patiently for me to speak instead of trying to pester the truth out of me. My chest felt tight as I tried to figure out how to get the words out. I'd never been vulnerable with my friends when it came to my personal life. I'd only ever spoken with them about our jobs and nothing more.

"This all feels ridiculous and I'm honestly ashamed I let this all affect our jobs," I started as I tried to navigate the conversation.

"But you like Lottie and don't know what to do about it?" Derek filled in for me once he saw how hard it was for me to admit any of this.

"I may have crossed the line with her after the Cougars game," I told him. "I don't know when it started, but I think I like her, Derek."

Derek gave me a small smile; it was one of the sincerest smiles he'd ever given me. "I was wondering when you'd finally admit it. I thought it would have been sooner than this."

"None of that matters right now," I waved him off. "Right now, I need to figure out how to fix things with Lottie. I made her uncomfortable at the game. Now I'm too much of a coward to face her and it's impacting the team."

"How do you know you made her uncomfortable?" Derek asked me.

My brows pulled together as I looked at him like he'd lost his mind. "I invaded her space without asking her and I probably put her in an uncomfortable position when she realized a player had feelings for her."

"How do you know that she cares about that? How do you know she doesn't feel the same way?" Derek pressed on. "You chose to avoid her this past week instead of just asking her. You're retiring after this season, Nolan. You're not going to be a player in four months, but you will have the rest of your life ahead of you."

Derek stood up from his locker. "Go take a quick shower. We've got a plane to catch." He paused in the doorway to the locker room. "Maybe you should think about what it is you want from life once this season is done outside of a career, Nolan. Then maybe you should give your window seat away again tonight."

The door to the locker room swung closed and left me standing alone in the Orlando Dream's visitor's locker room.

Even though I was the last player out of the locker room, I wasn't the last person on the plane. That title was still held by Lottie once she finished getting all the team's medical supplies loaded. She scanned the plane like our first flight to New York and it felt like déjà vu when our eyes locked and the window seat next to me was open.

I watched her glance around the plane as she tried to spy another open seat before she realized she was out of luck. She sucked in a breath and let it out with a sigh before she started to heft her carry-on luggage into the storage compartment above us. I quickly reached out for her bag as she struggled to get it to slide into the open spot.

"Here, let me."

Red flushed Lottie's cheeks as she watched me pluck her bag from her hands and easily slide it into the overhead compartment. Her mouth screwed together as she eyed the window seat before she pulled her shoulders back like she was walking to her death instead of sliding into a seat next to me.

"Hi," I told her once I was buckled back in.

"Hi." Her voice was barely more than a whisper and her eyes were glued on the tarmac.

"It's nice to see you." I felt like I was walking on eggshells after not having spoken to her in so long.

Lottie scoffed next to me before slowly turning to spear me with a gaze that could have melted the faux leather of the chair I was sitting on. "Oh yes, Nolan. It's so nice finally seeing you after you've avoided me. You act as if we're just two ships passing in the night after you expertly took every possible avenue to not see me at all!"

Quiet rage was coming off Lottie in waves and heat simmered in her eyes. Any sane person would have feared whatever she was about to do, but I found myself trapped in her gaze as if it were a trance.

"I'm sorry for that," I told her, somehow finding a way to get the words out.

"Sorry for what exactly, Nolan?" Now that Lottie had gotten started, it was clear she wasn't stopping. "What happened for you to ignore me? I thought you cared more about your season than that. But here we are with a loss that was totally preventable. You looked lost out there today!"

Leave it to Lottie to not only be hurt by my actions but still not be afraid to call me out on it.

"I don't know how to really say this," I started as I tried to find the right path forward. The last thing I wanted to do was make Lottie even more uncomfortable if I had been right and Derek had been wrong. "I'm sorry for what I said and did after the Cougars game. That was crossing a line. We were just starting to get to a good place as working partners and I would like to get back to that. I was afraid I'd made you uncomfortable, so I just wanted to give you space."

"Oh," Lottie replied quietly.

Oh?

Was she not uncomfortable?

Did she not think anything of it and I just brought it up as if it had been some big deal?

Was I overanalyzing everything right now?

Before Lottie could say anything else to send me spiraling even further, I filled the silence that was stretching out between us.

"Like I said, I'm sorry. So can we just get back to how things were before?"

Lottie stayed silent for so long after my question that I began to panic. My eyes darted from her face to where Derek was trying to watch us inconspicuously. He flashed me a thumbs up when he noticed me looking, oblivious to the distress on my face.

"Just friends?" Lottie finally replied.

I sat there for a moment before I said anything back because I was beginning to realize that the last thing I wanted to be with Lottie was "just friends". I couldn't deny any longer that I was attracted to her—from the way her blonde hair looked gold when the sun hit it just right, or the way her blue eyes looked like the sky on a perfect summer day, or the way her pink lips seemed to hypnotize me whenever they spread open into a smile or screwed together when she was thinking hard about something. Not to mention that she was the smartest person I knew, and I could sit and listen to her talk for hours.

I wasn't sure what it was exactly I wanted to be with Lottie, but I knew being friends wasn't it—but judging by the relief I saw on her face, it was the right thing to do.

"Friends." I gave her a quick nod of agreement and waited for what she would say. Even if I knew trying to be just friends with Lottie might be harder for me than the inevitable end of my football career.

"Then I'll see you tomorrow for our run?" The soft smile she gave me would have sent me to my knees out of gratitude if I wasn't already sitting.

"I'll be there."

If today's game was any proof, having Lottie in my life as a friend was better than not having her in it at all.