35. Phoenix

CHAPTER 35

Phoenix

T he first thing I noticed was the smell of sterility. Like a hospital. However, the second thing, and far worse than the first, was the beeping. Incessant, constant, rhythmic, never-ending beeping. And that was what spurred me to move. Before I even opened my eyes, I was trying to escape, to smash the alarm that wouldn't stop. I wanted to run away before it could capture me there again and keep me in the darkness, forever driving me insane with the incessant noise.

"Charlie!" a voice said as a pair of hands grabbed my shoulders. "Charlie stop! You'll hurt yourself!"

I knew that voice. It was Nix. It had to be.

"Look at me Charlie!"

To my great surprise, my eyes opened with little effort and I found myself face to face with Nix.

"N-Nix?" I said, my voice raspy.

"I'm here, Charlie. I've got you. "

But before he could pull me into a hug, my brain zeroed in on the beeping once more. I glanced around, finding myself sitting in the back of an ambulance on a gurney. There was a heart monitor on my finger and a paramedic prepping to put an IV in the back of my hand.

All at once, my past came rushing back to me. For a brief moment I was no longer in an ambulance, but back in the hospital. I recalled my months of being poked and prodded at all hours of the day and night, never getting a moment's peace. Every waking minute was an anxiety attack waiting to happen, and I always knew that the nurses would drug me instead of trying to help me through it. They said they feared for my safety, but I didn't believe them. I knew how much of a burden I was in my constant state of panic. They were drugging me so they didn't have to deal with me. And this paramedic… I had no doubt he would do it too.

"We should take you in," he said, noticing my stare. "Just to make sure you don't have a concussion or anything."

"No," I growled, tearing the heart monitor off my finger and throwing it at him. "You aren't getting me anywhere near that fucking place again."

"Charlie, it's okay–"

"Shut up!" I yelled at Nix, turning on him in an instant. "You don't know shit!"

I could see the hurt in his eyes, but I didn't care. Tearing myself out of his arms, I slid off the gurney and out of the ambulance, walking as fast as I could to get away from it all. Off to my left I noticed the two vehicles still sitting in the intersection, steam rising from the one that had hit us. Several police were talking with the driver and everyone else in our group. They looked my way, but I didn't acknowledge them. I had to get away .

"Charlie wait!" Nix called from behind me.

But I didn't listen. I kept on going. My stomach had twisted into knots, my heart was pounding, and a cold tingling filled my entire body. This was one of those big panic attacks, the kind that could either leave me unconscious on the ground or wandering through Creekside for the night until I finally calmed down. Either way, my emotions were completely out of control and everything was overwhelming. In my mind I could still hear the incessant beeping, still see my mother's last moments during the accident. I had to get away from it all. I needed quiet.

I hadn't gotten far before a hand came to rest on my shoulder, trying to stop me. But I tore myself away.

"Charlie…"

"Leave me alone!" I cried, the panic inside me having already turned to anger.

"I want to make sure you're okay. You're scaring me."

I rounded on him, pointing a finger in his face. "I'm fine, no thanks to you!"

"W-What did I do?"

"What didn't you do, Nix?!" I cried, losing all control of my anger. "I was doing fine until you showed up here!"

He looked so hurt. "What do you mean?"

"For six years I was fine! Everything was quiet and tolerable! Then you came back and you forced your way into my house and my life. You made me feel things that I wasn't ready to feel, pushed me to see people, and you even convinced me to get in that car!" I shouted, pointing to the wrecked SUV. "Nothing bad happened to me until you came back! "

There was no mistaking that broken-hearted look in his eyes. I'd struck him down to his core. And the worst part was, a small piece of me meant it. Things really were easier before Nix came back. Everything was predictable and I knew what to expect, even if it wasn't going to last for that much longer.

But Nix didn't crumple or back down. And this time there wasn't a team of nurses to drag him out of my room. My heart pounded and I was gasping for air. He didn't make a move to calm me or attempt to make me feel better. Instead, he set his jaw and glared, his eyes unblinking.

"Nothing bad happened while I was gone," he growled. "But nothing good happened either. You've been sitting in that fucking house, rotting away for the past six years and feeling sorry for yourself."

"I lost everything, Nix!" I yelled, throwing my arms wide.

"You lost your mother," he shot back, poking me in the chest. "Everything else, you pushed away. Including me!"

"I needed space!"

"No, you needed time to wallow in your own self-pity."

"Fuck you."

"No, fuck you Charlie," he barked, his control slipping away. "You might have lost your mom that day, but I was the one that lost my best friend! I spent four months in that hospital. I sat at your side, holding your hand every single fucking day. I talked to you, kept you company, and made sure I would be there when you opened your eyes." Tears streamed down his face as he yelled, his voice growing shakier with each word. "And when you woke up, you threw me out like I was nothing !" He jabbed me in the chest again with his finger, the impact definitely leaving a bruise. "I'm sorry a bad thing happened to you, but you are the bad thing that happened to me ! "

I wanted to argue, to do anything to turn the blame back on him. But his words caught me so off guard that I didn't know what to say. What did he mean? I had a feeling I was going to find out whether I wanted to or not.

"You say you spent the last six years with nothing bad happening? Well, I had to wake up every single day and remember that my best friend, the man I shared my first kiss with, wanted nothing to do with me after I did everything I could for him." He jabbed me again, but the fury was gone and he nearly collapsed against me. "I've missed you every day for the last six years… so much that I could barely breathe. I wrote a book about how much I cared for you… how much I loved you, Charlie." He looked up at me, exhaustion sweeping over him. "But I can't give my heart to someone who's going to abandon me every time things get difficult."

All at once, the anxiety in my chest shifted aside as his words sank in. He loved me? When did that start?

"I've loved you since I was fourteen," he said, as if he could read my mind. "And I just can't do it anymore. Not if you're going to run when things are hard." He pulled away from me, crossing his arms over his chest as if he were trying to comfort himself. "You know, I could deal with the panic attacks and the therapists and the meds," he continued. "None of that bothered me, Charlie. I've always loved you for who you are, no matter what."

I tried to think of something to say. Something that would fix this entire situation. But what could that possibly be? There were no words that would take back the awful things I said to him. And with my brain reeling and my heart still thudding in my chest, I wanted nothing more than to escape into the lamp-lit streets and find some peace.

However, I knew that if I walked away from Nix now, I wouldn't see him for a long time. He was going home to Boston in the morning. Nothing was going to stop that. Not when he had a thousand other things to do to keep his career on track and his publisher happy.

"Fine," I said, my heart breaking as the words left my lips. "Then it's better you go."

His mouth opened slightly in surprise. He'd expected me to fight for him. But how could I when the truth was staring me in the face?

He was right. I was in the wrong and I'd been quick to blame him for everything. That only proved one thing to me. I was too broken to be with him. Or anyone for that matter. Nix was a free spirit, a wild thing that couldn't be contained. If he were to stay with me, he'd be trapped in this little town forever because we both knew I would never move to Boston with him. I couldn't. Not with my sensitivities.

So, despite how bad it made me feel, I had to leave him behind.

The past week had been a beautiful daydream. But like all dreams, it was time for it to come to an end. Without a backward glance, I silently walked away, leaving the man I loved most in the world behind forever.

He deserved better than me and now he could finally have it.