36. Phoenix

CHAPTER 36

Phoenix

I t had been two weeks since I'd left Creekside. And I was still checking my phone every couple of minutes, convinced that I'd heard it ding in my pocket or buzz against the counter. But every time I looked at it, there was nothing. The only person ever trying to get a hold of me was Tony. I didn't have any friends to speak of in Boston and they weren't who I wanted to talk to, anyway.

I'd been hoping that Charlie would call or text or even acknowledge that I was alive.

But why would he do that? After the things I'd said to him, he probably hated me. I saw the hurt in his eyes and the heartbreak in his words when he told me to leave. How could I expect him to ask me back after I'd done all that?

However, I couldn't blame myself for my reaction either. I was scared. Between the accident and having him pass out in my arms, I was so full of adrenaline I could hardly think straight. Then when he came too and started shouting, telling me to get away from him, I didn't know what to do. How could I let him just run off into the night when I knew he was terrified? I wanted to help him. But that help was denied. Not only that, he made me feel like shit for even trying. I didn't think that was fair.

And yet, I couldn't bring myself to be the first one to text him. I didn't want to look desperate or like I approved of what he'd said to me. Maybe it was stupid pride getting in the way, but I meant what I said. I couldn't spend my life with a man that was going to tell me to fuck off every time things got difficult. That's not how a partnership worked. I was more than willing to help him, to be there for him when anxiety took hold. And I thought, maybe foolishly, that after six years, it would be easier for him to allow me in.

That didn't seem to be the case. Of course, I'd spent the past two weeks digging through the internet, trying to understand his reactions. The most common thing I came across was a fear of intimacy. Charlie was pulling away from me because he was afraid I'd abandon him if he got too close. I had a feeling that's how he felt about his mother. Maybe he didn't blame her for dying, but he'd been left behind, regardless.

The only advice I could find was to give him space. So, I did. And so far, nothing had come of it. Then again, I gave him space last time he pushed me away and he didn't talk to me for six long years.

The more I thought about it, the more I wasn't willing to do that again.

Picking up my phone, I sent a text off to Tony, telling him to stop by my place. His reply was quick and within an hour, he was knocking on my apartment door.

"Something wrong?" he asked, the moment I opened it.

"I need a favor," I replied, beckoning him inside .

"Only if I can take a beer from your fridge," he sighed, heading toward the kitchen. "The boss is being a real fucking hardass this week. And your publisher is trying to run me ragged."

"Take whatever you want." Curiosity got the better of me as I followed him. "What does the publisher want now? Haven't they gotten enough out of us?"

Tony pulled a beer from the fridge, popped the cap off on the cabinet mounted opener, and drained half of it before he took another breath. He belched loudly, grinning to himself, but I didn't smile. He always tried to be funny when he didn't want to talk about something, and I wasn't falling for it this time.

"They want you to do a series of award ceremonies across the country," he sighed, realizing I wasn't giving in. "Apparently, they've already applied in your stead. I guess you've won like half a dozen of them or something."

"What kind of awards?"

"The kind that come with a stupid trophy, require a speech, and there's no cash," he sighed. "They're awards nobody has ever heard of. But the publisher feels like it would be good press if you made an appearance at all of them."

"Of course," I muttered, rolling my eyes. "Where are they?"

"All over the country. Most are on the east coast, but there's a couple out on the west coast as well. Apparently, you won some tiny award in Eugene, Oregon of all places. It's like an old biddy book club or something with their local library system."

The moment he said the location, I could barely contain myself. "I'll do it."

"You… You what? "

"I'll go," I nodded. "When is the award acceptance?"

"Like next week?"

"I'm fine with that. Book the ticket."

Tony lifted an eyebrow. "Why are you so excited about this? Usually it's like pulling teeth to get you to go anywhere. You always just wanna stay holed up in this little apartment and eat take out."

"I need to get back to Creekside," I said. "It's important."

He crossed his arms, shooting me a long hard stare. "This is about Charlie, isn't it?"

I saw no reason to lie. "And what if it is?"

"I heard what he said to you, Phie. You deserve better than that."

"You don't know Charlie like I do."

"Fine," he said, taking a seat at my kitchen island and patting the seat next to him. "Explain it to me then."

"It… It's private, Tony. I don't feel right telling Charlie's story without his permission."

"Well then you can kiss that award ceremony goodbye," he replied nonchalantly, taking a sip of his beer. "I'm not about to fly you out to Oregon so you can get hurt again. You have a career and a second book to focus on. You can find someone better than him, anyway."

"Don't you fucking talk about him like that!" I snapped, turning on Tony in a split second. "Charlie is the best man I've ever met!"

"From what I've seen, he's a spoiled brat that throws a tantrum every time things get mildly difficult."

"He… He has things he's working through." I hated the sound of it the moment the words left my lips. "Life hasn't been kind to him. "

"Sounds like a red flag to me. You deserve better."

"I don't want better!" I shouted, throwing my hands in the air. "I want Charlie!"

"Why?"

Tony stared at me, his gaze unwavering. I'd seen that stubborn look in his eyes before. He'd used it on me sever times when I tried to worm my way out of a book signing or a press conference I didn't want to go to. I knew that no matter what I said, unless I gave him what he wanted, he wouldn't give in.

I had no choice.

"Because…" I said, my chest tightening. "Because I love him. I have since I was fourteen years old."

"So why did he tell you to go away after the accident?" Tony asked. "And why was he freaking out in the first place?"

"It was my fault. I… I talked him into going with us to the ice cream place."

"He got something against dairy?"

"No," I said, shaking my head. "He… He's terrified of cars."

"He's scared of… cars?" Tony lifted an eyebrow, looking unimpressed. "That's a weird lie, Phie."

"It's not a lie," I growled, my eyes screwed shut in frustration. "Charlie is really scared of riding in cars."

"Why?"

"That's how… his mom died."

I let out a long sigh. "It's in the book," I said at last. "All of it. "

"So, she died in a car accident?"

"Yeah. And he was right next to her." I looked up at Tony, my eyes threatening tears. "I've never asked him about the details because I don't want to make him relive those terrible memories. But the police told us it was a freak accident. Their SUV blew a tire while driving through the mountains. Somehow it turned sideways, flipped a few times, then slid over the edge and went careening down the rock side of the mountain."

Tony looked shocked. "And he survived?"

I nodded. "I don't know how. He had a few broken bones, and he was put into a drug-induced coma to get him through the worst of it. He was like that for four months." I paused, a single tear leaking down my cheek. "I… I never told Charlie this because I don't want him to ever know… but my mom and I had to verify his mother's identity at the morgue after the accident and… we couldn't ."

His brows drew together in confusion. "You couldn't?"

"She was so mangled… and her face…" I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to force the memories out of my mind. "We couldn't tell if it was her or not."

"Good god…"

"They ended up having to do dental records," I muttered, staring at the floor. "And even then, they could only do half. There was hardly anything left." I lifted my gaze to Tony. "That's why I'm not mad at Charlie. I don't know what he saw as they were tumbling down that mountain. I can't imagine what he's been through. And I don't blame him for having panic attacks every time he gets into a stressful situation. It was my fault for pushing him to get in that car before he was ready. And when the accident happened… he panicked." I paused, reaching up to wipe my eyes. "I'm still mad at him for telling me to go away, but I understand why he did it. "

"Why?" Tony asked, his voice soft. "Why would he do that if he likes you so much?"

"For the same reason he wouldn't tell me if he wanted to be in a relationship or not," I said. "He's terrified that if he gets too close to me or anyone else, they're gonna leave him just like his mom did. With no warning and in the most painful way possible. The accident he was in was the equivalent of winning the bad luck lottery. And now he's convinced it's going to happen again." I shook my head, rubbing my palms against my face. "I just wish I knew how to convince him otherwise."

"Well," Tony replied, getting up from his chair and placing a hand on my shoulder. "You better figure it out because we're gonna be in Eugene in a week."

I looked up. "R-Really? You mean it?"

He sighed. "Do you really think I'm gonna let my best friend sit around here a mope for the rest of his life? You love that boy and from what I could see, he loves you too." He chuckled to himself. "I'll admit, I've been a bit jealous of the chemistry between you two. Watching you interact with him made me realize how much distance has always been between us. I could never get as close to you as he seems to without effort."

"I'm sorry…" I began.

"Don't be. I knew from the start that you and I were always gonna be just friends. And that's fine, Phie. I don't mind. But I hope someday I can find someone that looks at me the way Charlie looks at you. If I found that, I don't think I'd need anything else."

Before I said anything, I pulled him into a tight hug. He put down his bottle, hugging me tightly in return. I don't know how long we stayed like that, but it felt nice knowing that I had such a wonderful friend by my side. Tony could be a handful, but he was one of the best people I'd ever met in my life.

"Well," he said at last, pulling away. "I better get on the phone and get some plane tickets arranged."

"Thanks, Tony. I really appreciate it."

"Yeah, yeah. I'll take it out of your pay, don't you worry about that." He put down the bottle and headed for the door. "I gotta get back to the office though. The boss'll be pissed if I stay away too long. Even if it is for our star author."

"Hey Tony?" I called as he neared the front door.

"Yeah?"

"Can you get my bike on the plane again?"

He let out a long, exasperated sigh. "This is the last time, Phie. I'm not flying that thing across the country again."

I couldn't help but smile. "You're the best."

"Yeah," he groaned. "I know."

With that, he was gone, and I was left standing in my apartment once more. But this time at least I had a plan. I was going to get Charlie back one way or another.

Picking up my phone again, I flipped to his contact and started a new message. Last time I'd practically forced my way back into his life. But this time I was going to do things better. I had to. Charlie deserved that and if I wanted him to listen to me, I had to do what I could to accommodate all of his needs instead of plowing through his life like a bull in a china shop .

Me: Charlie. I'm coming home next week. I would like to see you. We need to talk.

I hit the send button with a smile. Then I quickly wrote a second message.

Me: Because I love you.