23. Charlie

CHAPTER 23

Charlie

" C harlie! I'm not leaving until you talk to me!" I heard Phoenix call through the front door.

I'd stopped only a few feet from it, hand outstretched. I wanted to answer him, I really did. But I wasn't sure I could bear to see him again. After the way I'd fallen apart the night before, I was so embarrassed I could hardly breathe. I'd spent the entire night lying awake, hating myself for letting my once best friend see me like that.

However, as I stood there listening to his determination on the other side of the door, I began to wonder. Did he come back to tell me off? Or maybe he wanted to tell me he'd made a mistake as a kid and that I was a terrible friend. He'd be right of course, but that didn't mean I wanted to hear him say it. The anger in his voice made me think he hated me. Still, the longer the pounding went on, the higher my anxiety grew. I didn't want people calling the police or coming over to see what was happening. I wanted this house to remain my personal sanctuary. But if Nix didn't stop, all of that would be broken too .

Finally, I realized there was no way to avoid this. Best to just get it over with and try to move on with whatever broken pieces of our friendship I could cling to.

Hands shaking, I turned the knob and opened the door, the knocking ending at last.

Phoenix stood there staring at me, his hand still raised in the air. His green eyes were intense, and his face was flushed with anger. I could see his lips press into a thin line as he stared at me.

"Well?" he barked. "You gonna let me in or what?"

I hadn't let anyone in my house since I got back from the hospital six years ago. But, without even thinking, I stepped aside and let Phoenix in, closing the door and cutting off the bright sunlight behind him. The quiet and the dimness of the room returned, making things feel somewhat normal again. Well, as normal as they could be with Phoenix McKean standing in my living room.

He looked up at me, that anger in his expression fading away. Suddenly he looked almost nervous, like he'd never expected to get past my front door in the first place. To be fair, if he'd been anyone else or less insistent, he wouldn't have.

"Here," he said, holding out the backpack I didn't notice he was carrying. "You left this last night. I wasn't sure what stayed behind or came back, so I just brought it all. I didn't want your lantern or journal to get ruined."

I took the bag only one thing suddenly on my mind. "Y-You didn't read it, did you?"

"Why would I go through your stuff, Charlie?" he scoffed. "I'm not the asshole you think I am."

I flinched, feeling the venom in his voice as my stomach twisted into a knot. "I don't think you're an asshole… "

"Oh really?" He took a step closer, putting his hands on his hips. "Is that why you told me last night that I'd ruined everything and then ran off? Why you seemed so happy to see me for a moment and then acted like I was a fucking leper the next?"

"I didn't–"

"Yes, you fucking did," he growled, taking another step forward. A hand came up, his forefinger poking me in the chest. "You need to tell me what the fuck is going on, Charlie Miller. For six years you've been avoiding me, ignoring any attempt I made to contact you, and now that I'm finally here you're treating me like shit. As far as I know, I was just trying to be a good friend to you." He pulled his hand back, shaking his head as his voice took on a melancholy tinge. "Is all this because I kissed you? Did it upset you that much?"

"No! No, of course not!" I began. But just as soon as the words left my lips, I clamped them shut. I didn't want to talk about this. Not with him. I didn't want him to know the full truth. He'd already seen some of it, but it wasn't everything. "Th-That was… fine."

"Fine?" he scoffed. "Jesus Christ, Charlie. Give me something to work with here!"

"There's nothing else to it," I lied, tucking my hands into my hoodie pocket to hide their shaking. "Honest."

"You're a terrible liar, Charlie."

"I'm not lying!"

"So, you just cut me out of your life because you're still my best friend then? Is that what I'm supposed to believe?"

"I didn't… I mean. No. Or I guess… I don't know!" All the frustration slipped out at once, my lips no longer able to contain it. "I don't know, okay? Is that what you want to hear? "

He stared at me, surprised by my outburst but saying nothing. Suddenly everything I'd been holding back seemed pointless. He'd already seen me break down in front of him and he was pissed at me anyway. What did I have to lose by telling him the truth? Maybe if I did, he would finally just leave me alone and get on with his life.

"Or maybe you want me to tell you how fucked up I am, huh? Tell you how my life fell apart, how I've never recovered?"

I reached over to the side table, grabbing a small bag and dumping it out on the floor. At least a dozen orange prescription bottles hit the floor, rattling as they bounced over the vinyl.

"Or do you want to hear how I'm on a cocktail of drugs that would make a meth head blush just so I can stay sane on a daily basis? Maybe you want to hear about my visits to the shrink every week? Or maybe you want to hear about how many times I've sat up at the creek wishing an avalanche, flood, or rockslide would just put me out of my misery? Is that what you fucking want to hear, Phoenix?!"

I turned away from him before he could answer, unable to stand the look of shock on his face any longer. Now he knew. And I was just waiting to hear the door open once more behind me as he walked out of my life forever. The moment I heard his footsteps, my heart sank. But then, I felt arms slip around my shoulders and my back pressed against his chest. Warm breath danced over my neck, and I heard myself gasp in surprise.

"I wanted to be here for you," Nix said, his whisper making my neck break out in goosebumps. Heat soaked through the back of my hoodie as he held me close. "I wanted to help you. Be useful to you in your time of need." He took a breath. "Maybe I was just being selfish because I wanted to be the person you could lean on. Instead of giving you the space you wanted, I kept coming back and trying to force you to let me in. "

"I never wanted you to see me like this," I muttered, my voice barely audible over the thumping of my own heart. "I didn't want you to see me… broken ."

"You're not broken, Charlie."

"It's been six years," I retorted. "And I can barely go outside."

"Everyone heals in their own way. Some take longer than others."

I wanted to stay there in his arms forever, to feel that warm embrace that I'd missed for so long. But I felt like I was lying to him. Like I was creating false hope by allowing him to stay there. Phoenix and I could never be together. Not when his life was so wonderful and all his dreams were coming true. And my life… Well, it was still a mess. One that I'd been refusing to clean up for years. The last thing I wanted to do was make him think that we could try again and be together. I wouldn't be the one to clip his wings and drag him back down to earth when he was in the midst of flying higher than either of us ever thought possible.

So I pulled his arms away and stepped out of his hug.

"I'm not sure I'll ever recover," I said at last. "It wasn't just my mom that died that day. I lost everything that seemed stable in my life."

"You didn't lose me," Nix said, his eyes glistening. "And I still want to be here for you. As your… friend ."

My heart sank when I heard him say that word. I knew we'd never be more than that. Not now. But hearing him say it aloud didn't make it any easier. It just added a touch of finality to our past relationship that I'd been deluding myself about for a long time.

"Will you let me call you?" Nix asked, looking up at me. "Or write letters to me? Either is fine and I'll understand if you don't want to hear from me again. But Charlie… I don't want to lose you, okay? You're my best friend in the entire world. You always have been. And even if you don't want me to watch you struggle, I at least want to support you from the sidelines if you'll let me."

I couldn't think of a reason to turn him down. He already knew everything. The weight that was lifted off my chest just from telling him was immense. And I wanted more of that even if I could never have more of him. So I nodded, forcing the lump in my throat down.

"Thanks Charlie." He looked up at me, those green eyes staring directly into my soul. "I really missed you."

Phoenix stepped closer, his hands coming to rest on my biceps. There was a sparkle in his eyes as he got close, our bodies touching in a way that didn't make me want to pull away. In fact… I wished he was closer . And that was an odd sensation. Almost as if he could sense it, he leaned in close, his breath dancing over my skin. He glanced down at my lips, his parting as he got closer. My heart raced and my stomach lurched, but all I could do was stand there, frozen in place as the world shifted around me.

"Charlie, I–"

Several loud horn blasts from outside made us both jump, pulling us apart. Phoenix sighed, shook his head, walked over to the window and peeked through.

"Yeah, that's what I thought. Tony's ready to go."

"Tony?" I was surprised by the sudden rush of jealousy I felt. "Who's that?"

"My agent. He's traveling with me to all the book signings."

"Are you and he…" I snapped my mouth shut, unable to speak the rest of my impertinent question. Nix's personal life was none of my business and he definitely didn't owe me an explanation.

"We're just friends." But the way he said it made me think there might be a little more to it than that. "He's not the dating type, anyway. The book only got sold because of him."

"Is he gay too?"

"Yeah."

"Oh."

Nix looked nervous, his fingers combing through his hair. "Charlie, I–"

The horn blasted again and he let out a long sigh.

"I-I've gotta go," he finished, his smile fading. "I have to be in Portland for a book signing early tomorrow morning. The publisher will never forgive me if I don't go."

"I understand."

"I'm sorry. I really want to stay here and catch up with you."

I held up a hand. "It's alright, Nix. Really. I need some time to think about all this, anyway. It's… a lot."

He nodded. "I get it. I really do." Stepping over to the door, he turned back one last time. "Can I write to you?"

"Yeah," I replied, my cheeks burning. The idea of getting letters from Nix made my heart do a backflip on my chest. "That's fine."

"And, if you're feeling up to it, maybe we can talk on the phone sometime?"

"Okay." I couldn't help the smile spreading over my face. It felt alien and a little silly to be this excited about something so simple.

"I'm glad we ran into each other. Even if it caught you off guard."

Nix pulled the door open and stepped onto the front stoop before he turned back and rushed toward me. I barely had time to react before his arms were around me once more. Usually I'd pull away, but with Nix, I just melted into him.

"I could never think less of you," he said, his voice muffled by my hoodie. "I wanted you to know that."

It was such a simple statement, but it made my heart soar. I nodded, squeezing him tighter.

"Well," he said, pulling away at last. "I'll see you later, okay?"

"Okay."

With one last wave, Nix jogged down the street, hugged his parents, got on the bus, and drove out of town. All the while I stood there in my doorway, watching him go. And for the first time in forever, the sun on my skin felt good .