22. Phoenix

CHAPTER 22

Phoenix

" W here'd you run off to last night?" Tony asked, sitting on the edge of my bed.

He'd snuck into my room, thinking I was sleeping late. The truth was, I hadn't fallen asleep yet. After Charlie left, I sat for a long time, just thinking about what had happened. Eventually I gathered up his things and walked back into town, the gray pre-dawn light starting to fill the sky. I crept into the house, stripped off my dirty clothes, and climbed into bed. Even though I'd forced myself to close my eyes, I just couldn't fall asleep. Not when Charlie was so pissed at me.

"I just went for a walk," I grumbled, pulling the covers up to hide my face. "I needed some time to myself."

"Uh-huh," he grinned. "I bet you were out fucking some old high school crush, weren't you?"

"What? Why would I do that? "

He shrugged. "I don't know. To prove to them that you've always been good enough for them." He leaned back against my thighs, his head craned back so he could stare out the window. "I did that with a few of my old crushes. Getting called the F-slur in high school makes you want a little bit of revenge sex." He glanced over at me with a grin. "I let the captain of the lacrosse team, the one that called me that name, suck me off. Then I told him he was bad at it and left. No reciprocation at all."

"Doesn't that seem a little childish?"

"Yeah," he nodded. "But when he begged me to come back, it made me feel like a million bucks. Turns out I was the prize all along. Not him."

"There's nobody I want to do that with," I said definitively. "Jordan and his little football freaks can go jump off a cliff."

"So, who were you out visiting last night then?"

"I told you. Nobody. Now stop bothering me."

"Defensive. That's not a good sign."

"Oh my god, Tony! What do you want?"

He chuckled, knowing he was riling me up. He took great pleasure in doing that. But instead of making another comment, he sat up and crawled up the bed, throwing a leg over my waist so he was straddling me.

"I thought we could have a little wake up session," he said, running his hands over my chest. "Just to start the day on a good note." He gave me a wink. "I promise I'll be quiet. Nobody will know."

Usually, Tony was just the distraction I wanted. He was handsome, and easy, and he rode dick like a champion. Waking up next to him wasn't a matter of if we would have sex. It was a matter of how many times we would do it before we finally decided to get up for the day.

But this morning was different. Something about Tony's insinuations and his soft hands made my skin crawl. After seeing Charlie the night before, I suddenly felt like I was cheating on him. After all, if I wanted him so much, why was I letting another man in my bed? For some reason, I felt like he would know if I did anything with Tony. And I couldn't bear the thought of hurting him again.

"Not today, Tony," I said, pushing him away. "I'm just not in the mood."

Tony, to his credit, didn't try to touch me again. Instead, he got off me and assumed his seat on the edge of the bed once more, making sure to keep his distance and respect my wishes.

"Phie?" he asked, his tone full of concern. "Are you alright?"

"I'm fine," I grunted. "Why?"

"Well, and I'm not trying to sound conceited, but people don't usually turn me down for sex. And you're no exception."

"Then go find someone else to fuck," I snapped, rolling away from him.

He was quiet for a long moment before he finally cleared his throat. "I can see you need some space." Getting up from the bed, he walked over to the door and pulled it open, stopping in the doorframe. "You know you can talk to me, Phie. You're my best friend. I'm here if you need me."

I let out a long sigh, but I didn't reply.

"Get some rest."

The door clicked shut as Tony left the room, the hurt in his voice making me feel even worse than I already did. Still, I couldn't bring myself to call him back. The way I felt about Charlie was a secret. Sure, my book was about him and half the country had read it. But nobody knew it was about him . They just knew I'd written a heartfelt romance.

I knew that if I told Tony the truth about what was going on, he'd figure it out. My mother and Ted had already figured it out for themselves, and I wondered how long it would be before everyone knew my little secret. However, none of that mattered as long as Charlie himself didn't find out. Considering he was clearly pissed at me, I figured it was pretty safe to assume he wasn't going to read my book anytime soon. Hopefully never.

And yet, I wanted nothing more than to march over to his house and pound on that door until he finally explained himself to me. I wanted to know why he hated me. Why he'd pushed me out of his life without an explanation or even a goodbye. I wanted to know why my best friend in the entire world left me to go to college without him. And I wanted to know why my love wasn't good enough for him.

Did our first kiss in that clearing by the creek mean so little to him? I'd always seen it at the most precious moment in my life. I thought about it daily and then I dreamed about it all night. I prayed for the day when Charlie would walk back into my life, sweep me up in his arms, and kiss me in a way that said we would be together forever. That was what I wanted more than book deals and tours and fame.

I wanted Charlie.

But no matter what I did, I always seemed to screw things up. Maybe I just needed to apologize to him. I was fairly certain that wouldn't fix everything, but maybe it could get things started between us. Even if he didn't want to be my boyfriend or my lover, I still wanted to be friends with him.

I turned over, throwing the covers aside. My gaze came to rest on his backpack sitting against the far wall. It was smeared with dirt, but everything was there. I'd thought about leaving it at the clearing and just tucking it under his rock. Instead, I packed everything in and brought it back with me, secretly hoping it would be my ticket back into his life.

Returning the bag was an innocent gesture. And hopefully, if I was very lucky, Charlie might let me speak to him. Even a minute or two would be enough to speak my piece. After that, he could go on hating me. At least I would know that I'd given it a shot so I didn't regret it later on. Then again, I'd probably regret it anyway if things didn't go well.

But I had to try.

With an exasperated sigh, I swung my legs over the side of the bed and headed for my closet. Pulling on clean clothes and shoes, I tried to force my hair into something not resembling a rat's nest. When it looked about as good as I was gonna get it, I shouldered the backpack and pulled the door open, heading down the hall.

Everyone else was busy as I slipped out of the house. I exited through the backyard and headed down the street toward Charlie's house. All the blinds were pulled as usual, and I wondered if he might still be sleeping. I hesitated for a moment at his driveway as the thought crossed my mind. Shaking my head, I pushed it away. A lifetime of regret would be a lot worse than waking him up. And this might be my last time in Creekside. If I had my way about it, Mom and Ted would be moved out by summer. There'd be no reason for me to come back after today.

This was my only chance to make things right.

So, I lifted my shaking hand and knocked on Charlie's front door for the first time in six years. Then I waited.

Thirty seconds slipped by and I knocked again. Still nothing. After another full minute, I felt heat rising in my belly. Anger at the unfairness of the entire situation surged through my chest and I began to pound on the door with the side of my fist.

"Charlie!" I called. "Open the goddamn door!"

I paused for only a moment to see if there was a reply. But when I heard nothing, I continued to knock, not letting up for even a second. I was going to get an explanation out of him one way or another. He wasn't going to just accuse me of ruining everything and get away with it.