24. Phoenix

CHAPTER 24

Phoenix

" T here's something different about you," Tony said out of the blue.

I looked up from my notebook where I'd been drafting my fifth letter in three weeks. It seemed Charlie and I had a lot to catch up on. Or at least I did. My letters were always long and meandering while Charlie's were more to the point. He wasn't prone to flowery prose like I was, but what he lacked in that department, he made up for in careful attention. His letters were thorough, and I always knew he'd read mine carefully, making sure to comment on every part.

"What do you mean?" I asked, lifting an eyebrow in his direction.

"You seem… happier ."

"I'm sorry?" I huffed, putting my pen down. "Do you want me to be more miserable or something?"

"No," he said, giving me a wave of dismissal. "It's nice not to hear you bitch constantly. "

I scoffed as he got up from the couch and stretched, walking up to the front of the bus to check on the driver. Going back to my letter, I tried to figure out where I'd left off. I'd barely put the pen back to the paper when I heard a voice in my ear.

"Who's Charlie?"

"Fucking hell, Tony!" I said, jumping so hard my pen went flying. I rushed to close my notebook. "None of your fucking business, okay?"

"Is he your high school bully?" Tony teased. "The one you went out to fuck that night while we were in your hometown?"

"What? No! Jordan was my bully, not Charlie." I turned away, trying to hide the sudden rush of heat to my cheeks. "Charlie would never do that."

"Oh… so who's this Charlie guy then?" He gave me a nudge. "Seems like you're sweet on him already."

"Tony, stop," I grumbled. "He's just a friend."

"How long have you been friends?"

"Since we were kids. Like fifth or sixth grade? His mom introduced us because he didn't have any friends."

"Oh my god! That's adorable!" He took a seat on the other side of the table, cradling his chin in his hands. "Tell me all about him!"

"Why?" I was trying to play it aloof, but Tony knew me too well to fall for that. "He's just a friend."

"Uh-huh. That's why you've been writing to him every waking moment since we left Creekside. Also, I think it's adorable and old-fashioned that you write letters instead of email. It's very nineteenth century."

"Will you fuck off?"

"So is Charlie the reason you stopped having sex with me?"

I opened my mouth to lie again, but no sound came out. And it did not go unnoticed by Tony. By the time I got control of my faculties again, it was too late.

"That explains it," he sighed, sitting back in his seat. He laced his fingers behind his head, shaking his head at me. "That's too bad. You were a good lay."

"A glowing review," I muttered, going back to my notebook.

"Hey, I'm allowed to be sad when good dick becomes unavailable."

"We're in California now," I replied. "There's a gay man every ten feet. Go find another one."

"I might do that. I've never had a west coast cock." He pulled his hands back down, giving me an earnest look. "But I don't care about that right now. I want to hear about this guy! Who is he? What's he like? Is he better in bed than me?"

"His name is Charlie, and he's very nice," I replied, purposefully ignoring that last question. "And we're just friends." I glanced down at the notebook. "Hell, we're mostly pen pals at this point."

Tony narrowed his gaze, giving me a good once over. "Were you closer as kids?"

"Yeah."

"For how long?"

"Until I went to college."

"Did you two ever… you know?" He waggled his eyebrows at me suggestively.

"No. We did not." I let out a long sigh. "We kissed… once."

"Oh." Tony nodded as if he understood something at last .

"What?"

"He's a homophobe, isn't he?"

"What?!"

"You kissed him. It scared the fuck out of him and then you two had a falling out. Classic crush on a straight dude mistake. I've seen it a million times. Even did it once or twice myself."

"That's not why we fell apart."

"Uh-huh. Whatever you say, Phie."

"His fucking mom died, Tony!" I blurted out, anger getting the better of me. "And he nearly died too! He was in a coma for months!"

Tony's eyes went wide with shock. I forced myself to take a deep breath, crossing my arms over my chest with a huff. He was a good guy, but Tony could be a real dense fucking asshole sometimes. The dude just didn't know when to stop. I was trying to quell my irritation, but when I looked up, I saw the biggest grin on his face I'd ever seen.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" I barked.

"Oh my fucking god," he said shaking his head. "Oh my god."

"Jesus, Tony. What?!"

"Your book," he said, his voice low as he leaned across the table. "It's fucking true, isn't it?"

My mouth fell open and there was nothing I could do to cover it up. Not when I finally realized the fatal mistake I'd made.

"Jesus, Phie! You didn't write a romance novel, you wrote a goddamn autobiography!" I watched as more gears clicked into place in his head. "Does Charlie know?" He paused, his brows furrowing. "Has he signed a contract saying he won't sue you for using his likeness in the book?"

"No," I forced myself to say. "He doesn't know and there's no contract."

"This… This could be bad. I mean, it's fucking adorable as shit, but it could be bad."

"Why bad?"

"If that book is as accurate as I suspect, Charlie could sue the shit out of you. He could sue the publishing house. And I don't think any judge is gonna believe that it's just a coincidence."

"Only the first third of the book is remotely accurate," I scoffed. "The rest is all made up."

"Obviously since you two aren't together." He pulled out his phone. "I need to call home office and have them draw up a contract. We need him to sign off on it immediately." I grabbed the phone, pulling it out of Tony's grasp. "H-Hey!"

"Tony," I said, my voice low as I pointed a finger in his face. "I'm gonna say this only once. Do not get Charlie Miller involved with this. I fucking mean it. He's not going to sue. He's not even going to read the book. It's not his thing."

"We have to protect your career–"

"My career is fine. Charlie is not dangerous. I mean it. We have nothing to worry about."

He eyed me suspiciously for a long moment before finally giving in. "Fine. I won't call anyone. But you better be sure, Phie. Because if this blows up in my face and I lose out on these royalties, I'll never forgive you." His lips curling up at the edge gave him away. "But I might be more understanding if you tell me about this Charlie. "

"There's nothing to tell," I replied, slowly sliding his phone back to him. "Charlie and I are barely friends. A few days ago was the first time we'd spoken in six years."

"And you've kissed this boy?"

"In high school."

"Does he know you love him?"

My eyes went wide and my chest seized up. Knots twisted in my guts as a cold rush of fear washed over my body.

"W-What…" I stammered. "I don't know w-what you're t-talking about…"

"That's what I thought," Tony nodded, looking pleased with himself. "No wonder you don't want to fuck me anymore."

"I'm not in love with him!" I practically shouted.

"Phie," he said softly, reaching across the table and taking my hand. "I read your book over two dozen times during edits with the publisher. I know it back to front. Hell, I could probably quote entire chapters at this point." His eyes softened as he gazed at me, a genuine smile filling his face. "You love that boy with all your heart. I don't know if you're in denial or if you're just trying to fool yourself, but this explains every question I've ever had about you. Like why you seem like you're trying so hard not to be sad. And why such a handsome guy has remained single for so long."

I opened my mouth to retort, but Tony just held up a hand to silence me.

"Is Charlie gay?"

I sighed, knowing I was never going to worm my way out of this one. "Yes."

"Have you told him how you feel? "

"I haven't seen in him six years , Tony. What do you think?"

"You saw him a few days ago."

"Yeah. And the moment he saw me he had a panic attack. The dude is terrified of me." I raked my fingers through my hair, leaning back until I was staring up at the ceiling. "He thinks I'll hate him because he's still messed up from all the trauma he went through."

"Maybe he just needs a little love."

"I don't want to ambush the poor man."

"I'm not saying that you should run back to Creekside and tackle him. I'm just saying that maybe you should keep working on that letter. And maybe, instead of trying to act aloof and like you don't need anyone, let him know that you need him ." He smiled, getting up from his seat. "We've all got baggage, Phie. But the load is easier to carry when you have someone on your side and from the sounds of it, Charlie doesn't have anyone on his side."

"Are you suggesting that love is going to cure all his anxiety?"

"No," he said simply. "But it might help."

He turned away from me with a grin, heading to the bedroom at the back of the bus. I sat there for a long while, just staring at the half-written letter in my notebook. Eventually I tore it out, threw it across the room, and brought my pen back to a fresh page once more.

Maybe Tony was onto something. And besides, I knew I couldn't keep up this charade forever. Charlie deserved to know the truth of my feelings for him. So, instead of forcing myself to write like we were just friends, I decided to write to him as if we were eighteen again with all the closeness that entailed. I wanted to pick up right where we'd left off and stop pretending like I didn't care for him.

And so, I began to write.