Chapter 64

Ash

I pried my eyes open; at first, the room was a blur until I managed to focus on the white ceiling and reminded myself I was still in the hospital. My body was hurting, like I'd been lying still for too long, and I tried to get up and relax my muscles when a sharp pain in my ribs forced me to stay put.

"Easy there, kiddo," a deep voice said, and I turned my head on the pillow to see who it was.

A face nearly identical to mine, only older, looked at me, a warm smile on his lips.

"Dad?" I whispered, unable to believe my eyes.

The man laughed and then leaned back in his chair. "Well, I'll take it as a compliment, Champ."

My confusion turned into shock. After years of not seeing him, Aiden was here, sitting beside my bed like he'd never left.

"You look good," I said, my eyes studying him the best they could, considering my fuzzy state. He seemed different, smaller in a way. More fragile?

"Nah, I look like an old man."

"You were always an old man," I tried to joke, but laughing hurt, and instead, I grunted with the pain.

"I can call the nurse so they'll bring you more painkillers," Aiden offered, but I shook my head. I had gotten enough painkillers in the last three days to put an elephant to sleep. But with three broken ribs and a fractured arm, that was pretty much the only thing that helped.

"You really crashed into those rocks, didn't you?"

"I guess." I rubbed my jaw with my healthy hand, my body hurting with the slightest move. "Can't say I remember it. Thankfully, Andrei pulled me out of the water before I was done for. That kid saved my life." After the flash rip dragged me with it, my body crashed against the rocks, which caused my injuries. Life is going to be a pain for a little while. Not that I was complaining, with me staying alive.

"That kid reminds me of you," he said, crossing his arms over his chest. "In fact, all three of them reminded me of you in a way. But then again, I only spoke with them for a little while, so I might be wrong."

"You met them?"

He nodded. "I arrived last night and stayed at the house. They were all great. You did a wonderful job."

I took pride in his words.

And while Aiden being here was a pleasant surprise, it didn't make any sense. The guy had been gone for years, only to return because of a few broken bones. But then again, that wasn't the only thing that had gotten broken, and an unsettling feeling from years before returned to me at once and, with it, the few questions I'd never dared to ask.

"Why are you here?"

Aiden tilted his head. "What do you mean why? Your mom called me; she was worried sick over you nearly dying."

"Yeah, but I didn't die." I bit my lip, thinking about all the other crises Aiden had missed while he was gone. "I mean, you haven't even called the past few months with the trial, but suddenly, you show up without a second's notice." I shrugged. "It makes me wonder."

Aiden cleared his throat before he shifted in his chair. "What are you trying to say, Chief?"

I raised my eyes to meet him. "You came back because of him , didn't you?"

Aiden didn't respond and instead broke our gaze. It was enough of an answer for me, and I shifted back around so I was staring at the ceiling.

"You always cared for him, a lot more than you should have," I said, eyes focusing on a small crack that traveled along the ceiling.

"Kai's your best friend."

"But he was more than that to you," I said, thinking back on all those stolen glances Aiden had tried to hide for years. When I first moved in to live with those two after my breakup with Soren, there were times I felt like an intruder—a stranger who'd broken into a functioning household. He and Kai had always worked well together, way better than Kai and I ever had. I wasn't saying they'd been in a secret relationship. That would be absurd, but I had a feeling something had at least happened between them. I'd never brought it up, as it wasn't my place, and I wasn't one to stick my nose where it didn't belong, but more often than not, the atmosphere between my uncle and best friend felt heavy. Even more so after Kai and I began sleeping together. Secretly, I sometimes thought it was what had led Aiden to leave and not return until… today.

My uncle could pretend all he wanted, but it wasn't my broken bones that had brought him back but Kai's broken heart.

"Don't worry, Aiden, I'm not mad," I said, breaking the silence. "If anything, I'm glad you'll be here for him now."

"I'm here for you, too." He leaned closer, and I thought of all those times I'd run back to him as a teen. He was my rock on days I felt utterly lost. With a kind smile and good advice, Aiden always helped me find the right way, only I no longer needed that help.

"I don't mean to sound rude, but I don't need your help." I turned to face him. "It might have taken a few years, but I'm finally in a place where I don't need anyone's advice." Maybe it was my too-close encounter with death or those last three days I'd spent in a hospital bed, unable to move due to the pain. Perhaps it was the trial, or maybe it was the whole time since I'd taken the kids in, but finally, I knew what I wanted and didn't need anyone to validate it. More than that, I didn't feel the urge to please anyone other than myself.

"Are you sure?"

I nodded, thinking of a conversation we'd had years ago. "Yeah. I'm sure. I know who I want, and I'm not going to let anyone stand in my way. And that includes myself."

I doubted Aiden even realized these were his own words I'd just said, but that was okay. Maybe it was time for him to take his own advice, too.

"Well." He took in some air before letting it all out. "I'm glad to hear that."

"I'm glad to say it," I admitted because the feeling was liberating.

He got up from his chair, and I studied him once more. On second thought, he didn't look different at all and had remained exactly the same, as if time had never passed. The one who'd changed was me. I used to look up to him, believing he had all the answers, but not anymore. I'd grown and matured and no longer felt like a lost kid who was ashamed of his heart's desires.

"Once I'm healed, you're going to tell me where the hell you've been traveling for seven fucking years," I tried joking, immediately regretting it as pain spread through my body.

Aiden gently placed his palm on my shoulder. "Will do, but please, rest for now."

"I will, but before that, there's something I need you to do."

The door to the room opened, and I glanced at the entrance to find Kai standing beside it, his eyes pinned to the floor.

"I didn't think you'd want to see me, but then Aiden said you asked to meet," he said before he rubbed his nose with the back of his palm.

"What are you on about? Of course I do."

Shocked, he looked up, and our eyes met.

I smiled. "What are you doing standing there? Come here."

He immediately moved until he was right by my bed.

"Give me a hug, will you?"

Once more, Kai didn't hesitate before doing exactly as I asked of him, and he eagerly wrapped his arms around me. His hug hurt, but I bore the pain because it was necessary.

"I'm so sorry, Ashy," he cried into my shoulder, his tears landing on my skin.

"I know."

"I'm so fucking sorry."

"I'm sorry, too," I admitted while running my fingers through his long hair. Ah, shit, I'm going to miss it. "I'm sorry for bringing us to this place."

Kai pulled back yet stayed close enough that I could see every spot and dimple on his sun-kissed face. "You're not responsible for this, Ashy—"

"I am. I mean, at least, for a part of it." It wasn't guilt that made me say those words but responsibility. For the first time in years, I took full responsibility for my behavior.

Kai sat down on the edge of the bed, worry on his face. I took his hand and brought it to my lap. "You see, if it weren't for me being too weak to be alone, I could have saved us so much pain. But I was never good at it, being alone, that is, and I took the comfort you offered me without thinking about the outcome."

He shook his head, pulling his hand away. "You make it sound like we never loved each other."

"Of course we did, just never enough for this to actually work."

"No." He looked offended. "That's not true. I loved you more than anything. Still do."

I offered him a sad smile. "So I guess I was the problem." Again, I wasn't feeling guilty but sad about how things came to an end.

"No. You're just confused because he's here again, but deep down, I know you can love me, too. Just the way you used to."

Ah… he really was breaking my heart.

And while Kai was, without a doubt, my first love, it didn't make him my last.

"If you just gave me a real chance, I'd be able to show you that we can make it work." He spoke fast, muttering words I'd already heard, so to make him stop, I cupped his face with one hand.

"Hey, calm down," I whispered with an easy smile, waiting for him to relax. Once he did, I went on. "We did try, Kai. We had seven years of trying, but it never really worked. We were happy for moments, but that's all this was. Momentary highs." I took a deep breath. "I admit that I've never given you a real chance, but you were thankful for it. You were thankful for it because it made everything so much easier. You came and went as you pleased and kept your life the way you loved it. Don't get me wrong; I'm not mad at you for being this way because I basically pushed you to keep going, knowing it was easier for you to find warmth in other people's embrace than in my own."

"Why?"

"Because I couldn't bring myself to give you my heart."

He squeezed his eyes shut, his whole face twisting with pain. "B-But why?"

Tears gathered in my eyes, and I shimmied away from him, my throat drying up. But then, I forced myself to look him in the eyes, not because of cruelty but for the sake of his sanity. He and I had to put a clear end to this tango that had been going on between us for years.

"Because my heart belongs to him, Kai. And if we're being honest, you knew it long before I ever realized it, and it was what led you to act the way you did."

His breath shivered before he held back a grunt and bit his lip. He was crying, but so was I. Things would never be the same again, and it hurt. It hurt because long before we were lovers, we were friends, and I couldn't fool myself into believing he'd stay in my life after this was over.

"W-What will I do without you?" he hissed, voice breaking.

"Amazing things because you're an amazing man. But first—" I grabbed his hand and clenched it tight. "—you need to get sober."

He shook his head. "I don't think I can, Ashy. All I want is to drink and get fucked-up." He sobbed. "And I can't get through it again."

I knew rehab wasn't easy, but he had the power, even if he didn't believe so himself.

"But you must." I pulled him closer. "And you can. Think about Paris. He's no longer a child but a young teen who's aware of what's happening around him. It's your job to be there for him, Kai."

His face twisted with pain. "You said it yourself that I'm not good at being a father."

"Who am I to decide that?" I snorted, yet my voice lacked amusement. "I don't have kids."

"But you will now. Right?" He cleared his nose. "With him . I heard him promise that to you on the beach. He said he'll do anything for you."

I had no clue what he was talking about because Soren had yet to visit me. And even though it was a surprise, now wasn't the time to dive into whether Soren meant it or not.

"It's not important, Kai. What's important is you getting sober."

"I don't want to," he cried and leaned down, burying his face in my lap.

It was hard watching a grown man's shoulders tremble with his cry, even more so when it was him. I did love him. That was why I was willing to forgive the things he'd done. Only it was a different type of love. One that never matched the love I held for Soren.

I brought my hand to his head and softly caressed his hair, trying to provide him with the comfort I wasn't entitled to give. Not anymore.

"Mom always said that the best way to go through pain is headfirst," I started saying, my fingers still moving along his golden mane. "We both know it to be true, and you've faced a lot worse, Kai."

"But I always had you."

"That's not true," I chuckled because it really wasn't. "I wasn't there in times you needed me. I was too much of an idiot back then to help. Did you forget?" Or maybe, somehow, he'd managed to replace me with Aiden in his memories.

"It doesn't matter."

"But it does."

Kai's shoulders stopped trembling, and his body tensed before he got up and brushed the tears off his face. He then looked at me, his eyes red and his jaw tensed.

"Kai?" I asked after he kept on standing without saying a word. I tried reaching for his hand again when he stepped back.

"I want to be the bigger person and tell you I'm happy for you, but I can't." He swallowed hard while grinding his jaw. "You're making a mistake."

"Maybe."

"No." He shook his head. "There's no maybe. And I hate you for not realizing it yourself."

"Then hate me," I said to him with a straight face. "If that's what's going to help you heal, hate me. Blame me for everything."

"You don't mean it," he hissed.

"But I do. If hating me would help you get better, then do it. Hate me until the end of your life. I'll put up with it as long as this hate will keep you sober."

Kai's eyes widened with shock, and he looked stunned for a second before his expression changed and turned vengeful. Seeing him looking at me through such eyes was painful, but true to my words, I'd suck it up.

"Fine, then. I'll make sure to do just that."

And just like that, Kai left my room without another word, not sparing my emotions. This man had both loved and hated me throughout my life. And if there was anything the years had taught me, it was that in the end, when it came to Kai—love and hate both hurt just the same. I'd believed he was my summer, only to come to understand that I was his winter. And as long as we kept trying to fool ourselves into thinking we were right for one another, we'd be left cold and alone.

So yes, hate me, Kai, because in our case, it's better than love.