Chapter 58

Ash

"Y ou didn't go after him?" Kai asked as soon as I closed the door to my bedroom behind us.

After Andrei and I returned home without Diesel, we had to explain what had happened. Jess, Levi, and Kai were all confused, and while they had many questions, I didn't have any answers. Kai had seemed bothered from the second we told him the news, and so he dragged me into my room the first chance he had. I half expected him to try and cheer me up, but now, he sounded… angry?

"No, Kai, I didn't go after him." I frowned. "Why do you sound angry?"

Kai walked further into the room, his fingers running through his loose hair. "I'm not angry. Fuck." He sighed, then turned to face me. "I'm just worried that you'll end up regretting this decision, too."

Why ? Because I might have made a huge-ass mistake and allowed Diesel to vanish to who knew where and get himself into a new mess? I mean, what if he got into some fight and got stabbed again? What then? Who would help him—

"Oh, fuck, Ashy," Kai sighed and crossed the room until he had me in his tight embrace. "I didn't mean to scare you." He kissed the top of my head, not that it gave me much comfort.

"What if something happens to him?"

Still hugging me close, he spoke. "Then it will no longer be our responsibility, Ashy. I mean, if D decided to be on his own…" He slumped his shoulders. "Then I guess there's nothing we can do about it." Pulling back a bit so we'd face each other, Kai smiled at me. And despite the comfort he tried providing me with, I still felt as if I stood in the middle of a storm.

"I guess it's just hard." I moved my hand to rest against Kai's chest, softly caressing my fingers along the fabric of his shirt. Touching him was supposed to be a distraction, nothing more. "When he left, it felt like I'd lost one of my kids. I know they aren't mine." A small smile spread on my lips just with the thought of them. "But it sure feels like it sometimes."

"Aww, that's sweet," he said, bursting my bubble with his words. He then covered my hand with his. "But kids always leave at some point, and let's face it, Diesel is all grown up."

"I guess you're right," I mumbled, even though it didn't feel like it.

"Speaking of kids, Zoe talked with me. She wants to come for a visit next month with Paris, what do you think?"

Oh God, for a while, I almost forgot she existed. "You should spend time with them; they're your family, but I don't think I have the mental capacity to handle her or anyone else right now, Kai. The trial just ended."

"You're my family, Ashy." He brought my hand to his lips and kissed it. "And you're right. The trial ended, meaning it's time for us to move forward." He flashed me a toothy smile that I wanted to punch off his face.

But I didn't and instead allowed him to keep holding on to my hand.

"The other guys are also grown up. You realize they're not the same troubled kids you picked up four or five years ago?"

"I didn't pick them up, Kai. They aren't stray dogs." I withdrew my hand from him, but he quickly grabbed me again and pulled my body close.

"I know, I know." He chuckled while kissing my cheek. "I was just joking. You know that, right?"

I usually admired Kai's ability to joke in tough situations. Now wasn't one of those times. He didn't make me feel better and, instead, dismissed my emotions. The worst part? He was too dense to get it. Or maybe he wasn't oblivious and simply didn't care?

"You need to shower," I said, placing my arm between us and pushing him away. "You're all sweaty."

"So why not join me?" He tried pulling me with him, but I stepped back.

"Nah, I'm not in the mood."

"Oh, come on," he tried again, as he often did, and I rolled my eyes.

"I'll take Pacha for a walk. You go ahead."

He grunted, took off his sweaty shirt, and tossed it at me. Too tired, I didn't even bother to dodge it.

"Fine, I'll go jerk off by myself. You're welcome to join if you change your mind." He grinned, already getting rid of his pants.

Usually, I'd find his offer tempting, as I loved watching him get off, but now, sex was the last thing on my mind. Once Kai closed the bathroom door behind him, I looked at the corner of my room, where Pacha's bed was placed. My baby was getting old, and he spent most of his time sleeping.

"Come here, boy. Let's go for a walk."

"You're tired, aren't you?" I asked Pacha as I strolled slowly by his side. He used to make me run after him on the beach, but that was a long time ago. Now, he moved like an old man. I knew that one day, I'd have to say goodbye, but thankfully, that day wasn't today, and for now, I just walked at his pace and took a break whenever he needed it. It was also why I took him on walks alone from time to time. Pooh and Puma were much younger, and I'd hate for Pacha to hurt himself while trying to keep up.

I wasn't ready to say goodbye to him, just as I wasn't ready to part ways with Diesel or any of the other kids. If it were up to me, they would all stay with me forever. But that was a selfish thought, wasn't it? After all, at some point, they needed their freedom. I'd left Mom's home pretty early on and moved in with Soren. Now, I could understand why she got so mad. It wasn't just because she didn't like him—although her hate for him didn't help—but because it was hard for her.

Being alone is hard.

Pacha suddenly lifted his head up and wiggled his butt in a way he hadn't done for weeks. So overwhelmed with happiness over seeing him so lively, it escaped me to check what caused his excitement. By the time I lifted my head up to check, Soren was already right before us.

"My God, did he grow old." He smiled, bending down to pet Pacha, who clearly remembered him. It was like watching Pacha turn into a puppy again, all too eager to lick and kiss Soren.

"He missed you," I said with a huge smile glued to my face, unable to hide the sudden joy that overtook me. Getting down on one knee beside them, I also began petting Pacha. I moved my fingers along his fur until they met Soren's, and we both stopped to look at each other. He was smiling; some creases that weren't there before only added to his handsome face, making him sexier. And while everything about him was familiar, the softness in his eyes didn't remind me of the old days because it was brand-new. I didn't know if it was due to him finally opening up to me or because, suddenly, my anger from back then had almost vanished, but I, too, saw him through a whole new perspective. I felt like we were finally equal and in the right place to fully endure the other. The only problem was… we weren't together.

"What are you doing here?" I asked as we both rose to our feet.

"Oh, that's right." He cleaned his slacks from the sand. "I came to ask Diesel to sign some papers. I hope that's alright."

And just like that, reality flew back in.

"Actually, Diesel isn't here."

Soren's brows curved in wonder. "How come?"

"He said he was done with his old life and wanted nothing to do with us," I said and began telling Soren what happened. There wasn't much to tell, but somehow, it took me a lot more time than when I told the same thing to Kai. Maybe it was because I felt more comfortable with Soren to share more. He was always a great listener, even though he had sharp opinions that sometimes were hard to digest.

"Well, I think you made the right choice by letting him go," Soren said after I was done telling him what had happened.

By now, we were already back in my yard, and I led him to the small hose so we could wash the sand from our hands.

"You do?"

"Yeah." Soren rubbed his hands under the running water.

My eyes focused on his long fingers, and I remembered how he used to rub hand cream into them every night before we went to bed. I still recalled the clean pine scent.

"Our job was to give Diesel back control over his life. We achieved this goal, so who are we to stop him now?"

He made so much sense, which gave me the confidence I lacked.

"Don't you think something bad could happen to him?"

Soren snorted. "If there's one thing I'm sure of, it's that Diesel is more than capable of protecting himself," he said, taking the hose from my hands to allow me to wash off the sand.

"You call him Diesel."

"Oh?" Soren lifted his head up, eyes meeting mine. "What do you mean?"

"It's just that until recently, you called him Camilo, but now you've stopped." I noticed it earlier today, too.

Soren averted his eyes from me to focus on my hands as I rubbed them under the running water. "Well, when I spoke with Shay-Lee at the hospital, he told me that Diesel doesn't like to be called by his given name. I wanted to respect that."

My heart stopped at the same time my chest tightened, and I had no idea what made me do what I did next. Whether it was the beautiful smile I'd yet to see on Soren's face, the kindness he so easily showed, or the comfort he provided me with without even trying, but before I knew it, I closed the tap, grabbed his shirt, and pulled him close.

"Ashton, your hands are all wet—"

"Who cares," I whispered a second before I sealed my lips with his in a kiss I needed more than my next breath. It took Soren a second to overcome his shock, but once he did, he quickly grabbed the back of my head, holding me close as if to make sure I wouldn't pull back. Oh , I had no intention of doing that. Being fully aware that the house was full of people, including Kai, didn't stop me from kissing Soren harder, my lips ravishing him with a hunger I had almost forgotten. And even as he licked into my mouth and clenched my hair in his fist, I knew that this wouldn't be enough.

"Come," I said, voice hoarse, as I grabbed his hand and pulled him after me toward my small surf shop. I opened the door and was ready to pull him in when Soren practically shoved me inside. Stunned, I watched him locking the door behind him before he reached for me. My hands wrapped around him desperately as he lifted my body and walked us back inside until we reached the counter.

"God, you're so precious," he whispered, placing me down on the hardwood, his hands already working on stripping me naked.

Eager to see him, too, I did the same. "Fuck, I missed this dick," I gasped, then licked my lips at the sight of his magnificent cock standing tall just for me.

Soren ducked down, covering my mouth with his, as he grabbed my dick in his fist and began stroking me. So eager for his touch, I leaked with precum, and he collected every drop before moving his fingers to my ass. It wasn't enough, and since we lacked lube, he added a bit of spit.

"Would you look at that," he rasped, grazing the pad of his thumb over my entrance. "As beautiful as I last left it."

"H-Hurry up," I cried, frightened that we'd get caught before he could fuck me. I ached for it. Literally hurt to be held and burned with the fire of his touch, only for him to put it out later.

"I don't have any condoms," he whispered over my lips, and I shook my head.

"I don't care. I'm negative—"

"Ashton."

I cupped his cheeks and held his head close, our foreheads touching. "For the love of God, Soren, I'm telling you to fuck me raw. So just do it already— Oh God ," I moaned, all the air leaving my lungs as he pushed inside me, his hot length filling me up just the way I needed. Closing my eyes, I bit my lip and sent my head back, already feeling ready to come. That was the thing; with him, I was ready to finish as soon as he put it in.

I was well aware that being pinned on my back in my surf shop, with Soren's dick balls-deep inside my ass while the house was full of everyone, was the wrong decision on my part. It was irresponsible, selfish, and careless, and yet I didn't care. For years, I'd missed this man so much it hurt, and finally, he was here.

"Hold me," I begged, reaching my arms forward.

Soren leaned down, hugging me as I requested while burying his face in my neck. His lips grazed my skin while he thrust his hips, moving in and out of me, his cock grazing my inner walls. My body was on fire, and my skin was covered with sweat, soaking through my shirt.

"O-Oh, yes, right there," I cried in his ear after he'd adjusted himself and managed to hit my prostate perfectly.

Thrust after thrust, Soren rolled his hips, moving fast as if we were running out of time. We did, in fact, lack it, not that it mattered. Nothing did at this moment, where he consumed me whole.

His big hands moved my shirt up to reveal my chest before he closed his lips around my nipples, one at a time, and sucked on them. I hushed my moans, making sure not to grab anyone's attention because I wasn't sure I'd be able to stop even if we got caught. God , I forgot how dirty my mind could be.

"What's funny?" Soren asked, lips glossy with spit.

"Nothing." I shook my head, already pulling him closer. "Kiss me." And he did. He kissed me until we were both out of breath and had to pause to get some air into our burning lungs.

Soren then took my cock in his fist and began stroking me while drilling into my ass. The hard table hurt my lower back with how fast he thrust into me, but I'd put up with it. I'd put up with anything in order to feel this way.

Moving my hands along his body, I slipped them underneath his shirt and caressed his chest. He tensed when I grazed his nipple, and I smiled, wishing to lick it.

"I'm close," he groaned, his breath caught.

"Then come inside me," I begged, moving my hand up until it rested against his strong jaw. "Fill me up with everything you've got."

His forehead creased before he took a short intake of air. "When did you become this lewd?"

"I was always like this," I murmured, eyes closed as I felt my climax building up in the pit of my stomach.

Soon, Soren's body tensed, and he thrust forward one last time before his dick pulsed and grew inside me. Unable to hold back another second, I burst, hot cum shooting from my dick and making a mess out of my already dampened T-shirt. At the same time, Soren came deep inside me, filling my ass to the brim with his sweet release. As good as it felt, I half regretted that he didn't finish in my mouth because, so help me God, I missed the taste of him.

Soren pulled out, and I licked my lips at the sight of his dick covered with cum, while also enjoying the sensation of his release dripping out of me. But then, after we'd cooled down, the understanding of what I'd just done struck me. Yes, I'd thought of it before, but in the heat of the moment, everything made sense, and not giving a fuck was easy. Now? Not so much.

"Fuck." I cringed as I moved to a sitting position, and my back nearly broke.

"Are you okay?"

Rubbing the aching spot, I grunted. "That killed my back." Realizing how old I sounded, I chuckled and shook my head. "God, I'm not a kid anymore, am I?"

He frowned. "You were never a kid, Ashton."

Suddenly, I realized what I'd just said and felt like a complete idiot. Only this morning, he'd shared his secret with me, and here I was, already making mistakes.

"Soren—"

"It's fine," he whispered quietly, leaning forward, and kissed me again. It felt odd. The casualness in which he did it, that was. We might have fucked twice by now, but both times were rather hot sessions with nothing in between. This kiss just now, the way he took his time while moving his lips along mine, wasn't. It was nothing if not intimate as he explored my mouth in an attempt to reach my soul. My heart beat so fast it thrummed in my ears, and even though I ached when he parted his lips from mine, I had to speak up.

"I-I know I was the one who asked for this, but—"

"If you're going to say this was another mistake, at least get dressed first." His eyes darted to my flaccid dick and exposed stomach, which was covered with my cum. "I mean, it's hard to concentrate when I see my load dripping out of you."

My cheeks heated up, and I coughed to clear my throat. "S-Soren."

"Here." He grabbed a towel that rested on one of the boards and began cleaning me, once again causing my chest to tighten up with feelings I thought were long gone.

"I don't think this was a mistake," I clarified.

Soren stopped wiping me and looked up to meet my eyes.

"You don't?"

I shook my head and slid my hand to rest on the back of his neck.

"I don't, but as long as I'm with Kai, I can't keep doing this."

"So break up with him."

As always, Soren's line of thinking was short and precise, only that it wasn't that simple.

"It's more complicated than that."

If I ended things with Kai, who knew what would happen? One big fight was enough to make him buy a bottle of liquor, so I didn't dare think what his reaction might be if I were to break up with him. But it wasn't just guilt that made me reject the idea of splitting with him. Despite everything, I cared for him. Deeply . One might say I even loved him, although I wasn't entirely sure about that. Maybe it was just comfort? Or familiarity? Or maybe it wasn't, and this whole thing with Soren was the result of those hard months of the case coming to an end. Maybe this was nothing but my need for comfort after a rough day.

But you rejected Kai when he offered it.

"You do what feels right to you," Soren said, breaking into my thoughts.

Looking at him, I chewed on my lip, utterly confused because I had no idea what felt right. Erase that. I knew what felt right; I just didn't know what was right. When he fucked me just now, it felt incredible, but the aftermath left me wondering, as always… When it came to Soren, it was always the same question: How can something that feels so right be wrong?

Just then, I heard the guys' voices coming from outside, and I quickly jumped to my feet. I doubted I had ever gotten dressed this fast, but in less than a minute, I was decent.

"Your T-shirt is a mess." A low chuckle erupted from Soren as he stopped me before I could get out.

"Oh, thanks," I muttered awkwardly, then took my T-shirt off and grabbed the spare one I had in the shop. Thank God for that . Once I was ready to leave, I met his eyes again and nodded like an idiot. Why was I acting this awkward? Ten minutes ago, I'd practically attacked him with my lips.

Fuck, I missed this dick.

My eyes widened as I recalled my words, and I rubbed my face with a deep grunt. Did I actually say that?

"What's the matter?" Soren asked from behind me.

Too embarrassed to tell him I was just reflecting back on what a hoe I apparently still was, I shook my head. "N-Nothing. Let's just get out of here before the boys notice something."

As we quietly left the shop, I scanned the area to make sure we weren't seen. Since the ground was clear, I signaled Soren to follow me out. After rounding the shack, I quickly spotted the guys gathered around Soren's car.

"I told you, I didn't lose it," Jessie whispered. "It was in my closet, and now it's not."

Andrei grunted before Levi spoke. "You always lose things, Jessie."

"Not wee—oh, hey Chief!" Jessie called in a high-pitched voice once he noticed us. "Is this yours?" he asked Soren while pointing at his Bugatti.

"It is," Soren said casually, stepping closer at the same time Andrei moved toward me.

"Where were you?" he asked, eyes darting between me and Soren.

"I was just showing Soren around," I muttered, hoping I didn't look as thoroughly fucked as I felt. My God , this was so inappropriate.

"Can I take it for a ride?" Jessie asked, referring to Soren's brand-new car.

"Jessie, you can't just ask for—"

"Sure," Soren said and tossed the keys to Jessie, who caught them.

"Wait, seriously?" I frowned at Soren, who seemed unfazed.

"Why not? If it will cheer him up."

Once again, the change in him shocked me, and I looked at him, unable to hold back my smile. In fact, I was so distracted by how amazing he was that if it weren't for Kai suddenly wrapping his arm around me, I would have probably done something stupid.

Again .

"When did you show up?" Kai asked Soren while Jessie reversed out of the parking lot.

"A while ago," Soren answered, his eyes quickly darting to Kai's arm before he looked up. "I came to drop off a few files when I learned Diesel wasn't here."

"Yeah. Sucks, doesn't it?"

"Kai."

"What?" He shrugged. "It truly does suck. All that hard work for him to just run away."

He then glanced at me, his brows narrowed while he studied me. My nerves kicked in, and my throat dried with fear that he might know—

"You're all sweaty, Ashy. How about taking that shower now?" he offered, his lips stretching into a big smile.

Letting out a breath of relief, I chuckled awkwardly. "Y-Yeah."

Kai moved to pull me back toward the house when he stopped and turned to face Soren. "I sure hope that car is insured since Jess is not the best driver."

"Don't worry," Soren answered coldly, not looking our way.

Shit . I felt like crap, as I should have. Soren's cum was literally still inside me while Kai was all over me. What the fuck was I doing? I'd held back all this time just to fuck it up in one day? Soren had a point about me loving drama.

"And how about next Friday for that dinner I promised you?" Kai asked, snapping my attention back.

"You were serious about that?" I frowned at Kai's words, who nodded.

"Of course I was. After all, it's the least I could do for Soren after all the kindness he showered us with." He turned his eyes to me. "Don't you agree, Ashy ?"

I hesitated before nodding. "Y-Yeah, of course."

Once again, Kai's lips stretched into a big smile, only his smile was cold as ice, and I was filled with sudden worry.