23. No Matter What

NO MATTER WHAT

My motherand I sit down at her favorite waterfront restaurant and she taps her nails against the table.

"Please tell me you're not seeing that man who has the reptiles again," she says, referring to Johnathon.

I grimace, remembering how I had to pretend to like snakes, so he thought I was interesting. But he had a nice house and wasn't an animal abuser, quite the opposite. God, my bar is seriously in the pits of Hell.

"Ew, no."

"Oh, good. He was probably my least favorite," she says.

I know she doesn't mean it as a dig, but it feels that way. My face must look dejected as she reaches across the table and grabs my hand.

"I didn't mean it like that, Pen. You're just my beautiful, brilliant daughter. I want to see you with someone who knows that as well as I do. You're my most treasured person. I love you so much."

I grab the napkin, totally over being a cry baby lately, but life has seriously been kicking my ass. Crying in a public place is extra sickening, and I try to rein it in.

My mom's eyes widen as she looks at me blot the corner of my eyes.

"This isn't like you, sweetheart. Tell me what's going on."

I look across the table at my beautiful mother, who's never asked for anything, who only gives. Part of me doesn't want to tell her anything because I don't want her to have to shoulder the burden. Hasn't she done enough already?

"You're scaring me," she says and I shake my head.

I spill my guts and tell her everything about the PI, my birth mother's letter, my letter to her, and what happened last night.

She rounds the table and gives me a hug so motherly I nearly combust. If I lost this? If she didn't look at me the same anymore, I don't know that I'd survive.

"I'm so sorry, Penelope," she whispers in my hair, holding me tight. "I wish you would have told me at your place. We didn't have to come here," she says, retaking her seat and blotting her eyes with a napkin. "I always hoped I would get to thank her one day for giving me you." I try to rein in my emotions as my phone buzzes.

Lincoln

I'm out of your apartment. I won't bother you anymore.

I stare down at the phone and re-read the words. It's what I wanted, right? For this thing between us to end and clear my conscience? Yet, why does it feel like the deepest heartbreak I've ever felt?

"Penny," my mother says my name. She must have said it a few times as I look up at her. "Please tell me there isn't something else?" she asks.

"No mom, there's nothing else," I lie, my heart breaking over mid-day mimosas and a turkey club sandwich.

A whole monthwithout Lincoln and my heart aches. I thought that distance would help, but it's only made me miss him more.

I thought Lincoln was full of shit, that he would come knocking on my door in the middle of the night telling me we belong together, but he hasn't. He's kept his promise of staying away, and I feel guilty that I wish he hadn't.

He's actually done and I hate it. The distance between us is palpable and I wish I could have him back without risking everything else. But that's not how life works, I made this choice for the both of us and I have to see it through.

Jessa is over as I toss shit in a suitcase for The Bahamas.

"You're rage packing," she says as I throw multiple bathing suits into the suitcase.

"Well, I have a lot of rage."

"You know, if you keep all these feelings bottled up they're bound to explode."

I glare at her, and she holds her hands up.

"I'm just saying, we've been friends for months now and I still feel you're keeping secrets. Big, massive, cousin-sized secrets."

I wave her off.

She sighs, grabbing a few dresses for me out of my closet and putting them on the bed for me to pack.

"I'm just saying you didn't judge me when you found out what I'm into. I wouldn't judge you either."

She says that now, but it feels like a lie.

Everyone always says they won't judge you or they can keep a secret. They never can. Sure, she hasn't told Aiden what she saw, but Jessa doesn't know everything.

"Well, it might come up on vacation, so I'll give you a heads up. I found my birth mom."

"Oh my gosh, how exciting."

"She's dead," I reply and her poor eyes widen and her mouth parts.

I wave her off again.

"Don't worry, I'm doing a significant amount of therapy to work through all my shit."

"Do you think it helps?"

"Therapy?" I reply, grabbing my cosmetics and tossing them into a bag. "Yeah, I mean, I think I'd be way more fucked up if I didn't go."

"You're not fucked up," she replies, and I give her a small smile.

"Thanks."

"You're not, Penny. When no one else was kind to me at Kemper's, you made me feel seen. You might not share much, which is fine, but I've never had such a fun friend. I love being around you," she says.

I stop in my tracks, looking at where she's sitting on my bed.

"If my cousin doesn't marry you, I will."

She grins. "As pretty as you are, I think I'm in too deep with Aiden."

I toss a shirt at her, and she laughs. "You two are sickeningly cute."

"We are, aren't we?"

"Are you sure you guys don't want to fly down with us?"

"No, Aiden said that would be too much. Meeting the family trapped in the sky."

I shrug. "Fair."

"I'll meet you there," she says as I zip up my suitcase, and I give her a hug as we both head out for the long weekend.

I'mlast to the airport since I had to get a ride share. So I'm sweaty and handing my belongings to the attendant before grabbing my seat next to Gavin. Ben and Lincoln sit next to each other, facing us. I grew up with this luxury, but I'm not sure the fact our family owns a plane will ever truly sink in.

"Thought we were going to have to leave you," Gavin jokes.

Probably would have been for the best, but there was no way I was leaving Jessa alone with this pack of wolves.

I look at Lincoln, but he just stares out the window.

"Well, I made it."

"So, what's his new girlfriend like?" Ben asks, wiggling his eyebrows.

"She's a literal fucking angel. So if any of you are mean to her, I'll stab you in your sleep."

Lincoln glances at me for a second, but then goes back to being gloomy and looking out the window. I fucking hate it.

I miss his smiles, his hugs, the way we would joke together. I look around the plane at where my parents and aunt and uncle are sitting and taking a breath. I'm protecting all of this. I'm keeping the family together.

It doesn't matter what I want.

"I mean, she's gotta be able to hang," Gavin jokes next to me.

I roll my eyes at him and he just stares right back.

"She can hang, just don't scare her off. She's sweet and Aiden really cares about her."

"Must be nice," Lincoln grumbles, his palm against his chin, still looking out the window.

"Hopefully this asshole turns his frown upside down soon," Ben says, grabbing Lincoln by the neck and squeezing his face, trying to make him smile.

"Get the hell off of me."

"You need a cocktail or something?" Ben asks, pulling away.

"No," Lincoln replies sharply.

I swallow back the bile filling up in the back of my throat. This wasn't what I wanted. None of this was. The only thing I can do is give him distance and hope that maybe after some time passes these feelings will slowly dissipate.

"There's mold in the extra bedroom. So unfortunately we're going to have to double up in rooms," my aunt Maggie says. She leans forward looking past Gavin. "Penny, honey, you don't mind sharing with Lincoln do you?"

My eyes widen with the use of honey, but I just shake my head.

"Great. The twins can sleep on the top bunk of the double and Aiden and his girlfriend can share the bottom. Lincoln and Penny can sleep in the smaller room with the twin bed and futon."

I swallow and look over at Lincoln.

He doesn't even react to the conversation. But what was I supposed to say? No, please put me somewhere else because I'm sort of in love with Lincoln but also pushing him away because I know this will all end so fucking badly.

Nothing good can come out of us sharing a room together. Nothing.

Lincolnand I are putting our things in our room. I'm waiting for Jessa to get here so there isn't as much tension.

He doesn't speak as he throws his suitcase on the futon, giving me the bed.

"Lincoln," I whisper his name.

"Don't," he says back, not even looking at me.

"We have to talk, to be in the same space as one another," I say.

His beautiful eyes flick up to mine. He hasn't shaved in a few days and for being so miserable, he still looks so handsome.

"If you told me yes right now, I'd go out into the living room and tell them all that we're together and they can fucking deal with it. I'd shoulder it all. But I wasn't worth it to you. Do you know how that makes me feel?"

"It's not?—"

"I don't want to talk about it anymore. I'm exhausted trying to make you see what I already know."

"That's not fair, Lincoln. It's not that simple."

"God, you're gonna make me fucking drink this weekend. Just… just enjoy the vacation, Penny," he says, leaving the bedroom and going to God knows where.

I sigh and sit on the bed. The mattress sucks. We used this room a lot as kids, and usually someone sleeps in this room when we visit, but right now, it feels like a prison cell.

I rub my hands over my eyes as my dad walks by and knocks on the doorframe.

"Hey kiddo, mind helping me stock the boat?" he asks.

"Sure thing, Dad."

He throws an arm around my shoulder as we head out back and onto the patio to start gathering supplies for their fishing trip tomorrow.

"You sure you don't want to go fishing tomorrow?" he asks.

I usually enjoy it. Growing up with three boy cousins, I did whatever the majority wanted.

"Yeah, I think a girls' day is much needed while you all go fishing."

Plus, being trapped in the middle of the ocean with Lincoln sounds like a good way for him to throw me overboard.

"I've missed you lately," he says.

"I haven't been anywhere," I say, and he shakes his head.

"You haven't been the same. I just want to make sure my little girl is alright."

"I'm not little anymore, Dad."

"You always will be to me. My little miracle," he says. I nudge his side and he hugs me. "I know things have been heavy for you lately, but if there's anything else that's weighing on you, you know me and your mom are always there for you. We love you no matter what."

"No matter what?"

"No matter what," he says, with another squeeze of my arm.

I just wish I could believe that was true.