22. Cleaning Out My Closet

CLEANING OUT MY CLOSET

Penny avoids me,not that I'm surprised.

I'm trying to understand while also… just not giving a fuck.

If the family doesn't like it, I can be her family. Though, I have more faith in the Myers and the Carlsons than she does. But then again, I wasn't adopted. I don't have the same hangups and insecurities as she does.

I'm trying to be patient and failing miserably.

I put the passcode into Aiden's house and enter.

"What's up, asshole?" I yell, walking through the kitchen, where I'm greeted by his tiny girlfriend, who is holding a rolling pin over her shoulder. She sighs with relief when she realizes it's me.

"Jesus Christ," she says, dropping the rolling pin on the counter and folding her arms over her chest.

"Is my brother here?"

"He went to grab dinner. He'll be back soon."

"Are you cool if I wait?" I ask her and she nods her head.

I pull out the barstool and take a seat. She looks at me cautiously and my brows furrow.

"What?"

"Um. Nothing," she says too quickly.

"She told you?" I ask, not wanting to give myself away, but needing to know. The idea of Penny telling her new friend about me is beyond pleasing.

"No, I saw you at Whiskey Joe's."

I click my tongue and nod my head.

"If you hurt her," she starts, and I smile.

"To be honest, I think I'm the one who needs to worry about being hurt here."

Her brow furrows as she looks at me.

"What do you mean?"

"Nothing. So, Aiden invited you to The Bahamas?"

She clears her throat and nods. I sigh dramatically. "You have nothing to worry about. My mom will be thrilled that at least one of her sons turned out semi-normal."

"Are the other brothers like you?" she asks and I laugh.

"No, Ben and Gavin are the happiest assholes you'll ever meet. It will be fine, we're all happy for Aiden."

She blushes. "I really like him."

"Good. He's been different since you two started dating, happier. Still up my ass, though."

"He has a big heart," she says dreamily, and I want to roll my eyes, but hold it back.

It's not like I'm jealous or anything. Like I wish Penny was in my kitchen and I was getting us takeout food and we were talking about how happy we are—definitely not.

The garage door sounds and a few moments later, Aiden is walking through the door and looking back and forth between me and his girlfriend.

He kisses her head and places the food on the table.

"Didn't know you were coming over," he says, looking at me cautiously. "I brought plenty of food if you're hungry."

I knew he wouldn't toss me out. He's too worried about me being in the deep end or some shit. It's obvious I'm intruding on a date, and I should go home, but I don't.

The fact is, maybe I'm in too deep.

I've always liked my life in little boxes. It's easier to function when you know what to expect and have most aspects controlled in your life.

Penny has been the biggest destruction in my life, and I just genuinely don't know what to do.

I can't tell Aiden the truth, not until Penny agrees to be with me.

But fuck, I feel so alone.

We eat and watch the game on TV. His girlfriend is kind and sweet, the perfect match for him. It's a sick longing feeling watching them on the couch together.

How did I ever think that domesticity wasn't something I wanted?

Maybe it's because I never wanted it before Penny.

"I'm going to head up to bed. Good seeing you again, Linc." She waves and heads to Aiden's bedroom as the game continues on.

Eventually, my brother turns to me.

"You ready to talk about it?"

I shake my head, and he sighs.

"Are you at least done drinking like you want to drown yourself?"

"That's yet to be determined."

He rubs his jaw, looks at the TV and then back at me.

"Is it a woman?" he asks.

I don't deny or confirm, and he just nods, like he fucking gets it. And I suppose he does, now anyway.

"What's the issue?"

"It's too much to go into. It's complicated."

"You love her?" he asks.

It's an even more complicated answer. So I don't even respond, and Aiden sighs.

"Whatever the hang-up is, figure it out. I've never seen you like this. Not even when you broke up with Vanessa, which you also bottled up and kept to yourself. This isn't healthy, Linc. I just want to see you happy, man."

I swallow the emotion I feel at his words. Does Penny feel like she doesn't have this unconditional love like I do?

No matter how disgusted or pissed Aiden might be if he found out, when I look at him, I know that he would eventually get over it. Me being his brother is more important than anything.

"What if it was someone you didn't think was a good fit for me?" I ask him.

"I mean, I didn't like Vanessa," he says with a shrug.

"You never said anything."

"You never asked for my opinion, and you seemed happy enough."

"Why didn't you like her?"

"She always seemed to have one foot out the door, always looking at her phone during family events. I don't know. She seemed like she was convenient for you, not that you were totally into her."

I rest my head on the back of the couch and look at the ceiling.

"She had a husband and two kids," I admit.

"You knew?" he asks, shocked.

"No, I didn't fucking know. When I found out, I broke up with her."

"How do I feel like I know you so well but don't know you at all?" he asks.

He couldn't be closer to the truth if he tried.

"I'm gonna head home," I tell him standing up, he gets up too, clearly eager to get back to his girlfriend.

"Whatever it is, you'll figure it out. You're like the most stubborn asshole I know," he says.

"Thanks," I reply with a few slow blinks before leaving and heading home, with only one destination in mind.

I standin front of Penny's door, debating on knocking or going back to my own lonely bedroom.

Knowing I need to at least see her, I knock.

When she answers the door with red-rimmed eyes, wearing my t-shirt from the weekend we spent together, I nearly fall apart.

"What's wrong?" I ask, and she wipes her face and shakes her head. "Penny," I sigh her name and she takes a step back.

I don't care. As I enter her apartment, she backs up against the wall and wraps her arms around herself.

"Why were you crying?" I ask softly, shutting her front door and giving her space, making sure not to touch her.

She wipes her face again and takes a deep breath.

"The PI called me today."

"Did your birth mom change her mind?"

Her face scrunches up, and she shakes her head.

"She died," she barely gets the words out.

It doesn't matter what I want, or feel in that moment as I wrap her up in my arms and hug her. She grips on to me like I'm a life line.

I'm the only person she told about getting in contact with her birth mother. There's no one else she could confide in.

I rub her back, just letting her cry.

"Do they know what happened?"

"He said it was a car accident. I thought… I thought maybe one day she'd change her mind, you know? It was stupid, I know that. But I had hoped, despite her letter, that one day she would come around, but now I'm just stuck wondering forever. He sent me her picture," she says, breaking our hug and heading to the kitchen to grab her phone.

She uses the collar of the shirt to scrub her face and scrolls through some pictures before landing on one and handing me the phone.

"She was a nurse," she says.

"You look alike," I reply, looking at the woman in her early fifties in her scrubs, smiling. They have the same blonde hair and smile.

"You think?"

I nod and hand her back the phone. She stares down at the picture.

"I don't mean to keep crying on you," she says.

I enter her space again and wrap my arms around her.

"Let me stay." It"s nearly pathetic how much control she has over me.

"You shouldn't."

"I know, but let me stay anyway."

Penny rubs her face against my shirt and nods, grabbing my hand and bringing me to her bedroom.

She turns on the TV and starts the stupid fucking reality show from the same episode we started from.

I pull her close against my chest, and she doesn't protest and I take that for the win it is.

"I'm sorry about your birth mom," I whisper against her hair.

"Me too."

Now's not the time to convince her of anything. I just have to be there for her.

I kiss her head and she sighs dreamily. Before we both fall asleep, I feel more contentment than I have since the last time I shared a bed with her.

There'sa loud knock on the door that startles Penny and I awake.

"Oh fuck," she grumbles.

"Who the fuck is knocking on your door like that?" I ask, halfway off the bed and Penny grabs me by the shirt and opens her closet door.

"It's my mom," she says with wide eyes and shoving me in the closet.

"Penelope," I hear my aunt Holly yelling from the kitchen.

"Fuck," Penny hisses. "Stay in here and be quiet," she whispers.

Holly's footsteps get closer, and I hear Penny's bedroom door open.

"Sweetheart, didn't you hear me calling your name?" Holly asks.

I'm in pitch darkness, a hanger poking my back and I'm pretty sure I'm standing on top of a high heel, but I don't move.

"Sorry, I was just getting out of bed."

"We're still on for lunch, right?" Holly asks, and I can hear her walking around the room. "Do you have that dress I got you from Valentino?"

The knob of the door turns and the closet partially opens, before slamming shut.

"Yeah, I'm sure I do."

"You're acting strange," her mother replies. The closet partially opens again.

"Mom, why don't you go make a cup of coffee and I'll get dressed really quick and we can get going."

There's a long pause.

"Sweetheart, have you been crying? And what on earth are you wearing to bed?"

"I'll tell you everything at lunch, I promise. Just let me get dressed, okay?"

"Alright," Holly says, though I can tell she isn't convinced, but the bedroom door clicks shut.

Penny opens the closet door with a frantic expression on her face.

"As soon as I leave with her, you can sneak out," she whispers.

"You're going to tell her?" I ask.

"About my birth mother," Penny says, looking away.

"Right," I say in a shitty tone, and louder than Penny likes. She pinches my arm and I let out an even louder noise.

"I swear to fucking God I will kill you right now, Lincoln Rowan Carlson."

"Full name, huh? Say it a little louder so your mother can hear and we can get this all over with."

She rubs her face. "I knew this was a bad idea."

"Yeah, you sure do like to say that a lot, but keep ending up in my arms, Pen." I know I'm being unfair, that I'm the one who sought her out and insisted I stay, that I wanted her in my arms. But being constantly pushed away at every turn is eating at me. If I knew she truly didn't want this, maybe it would be easier, but I know she does and she's just hurting us both.

She blinks at me and her face falls.

"I—"

"Save it. I'll leave once you and your mom leave. Here's the dress she wants you to wear," I say, grabbing the little black dress and handing it to her.

She looks like she wants to say more, but keeps looking at her bedroom door.

Penny grabs my shirt at the hem, tossing it off and throwing her dress on no bra, and shimming her panties off to exchange it for another pair in her drawer. She works quickly. Redoing her hair in the mirror and trying to apply some makeup on her face.

I sit in the closet like the dirty little secret I am and for the first time since we started whatever this is, I find myself resenting her for it.

She gives me one last sad look before leaving the room, and I decide that maybe I'm fucking done chasing a woman who doesn't want me.