19. Catharsis

CATHARSIS

I don't knowhow I manage to get through the morning at work. All I can think about are Lincoln's soft eyes telling me he chooses me.

That's all I've ever wanted, to be someone's choice and priority, yet he's the one person I can't have. It would ruin everything. Men don't stick around long enough once they truly get to know me.

Lincoln wants me now because it's exciting and new, but eventually he would leave. I'd be left broken hearted with no family, and then who would I be.

I do my best to try and keep a pep in my step and not let my happy-go-lucky facade break as I head to Jessa's cubicle.

"Hey, got some time to grab lunch?" I ask.

"Sure," she says with a smile, grabbing her purse and following me outside. I'm not sure how to fill the silence, because I think if she asks me what's wrong, I might just fall apart. "Penny, are you okay?"

I blink at her, and as I suspected, the floodgates burst open as I cry into my hand. Jessa drags me out of the food truck line and we sit at one of the wooden picnic tables. She rubs my back in a soothing manner as I try to get my shit together. "This is so fucking stupid. I can't believe I'm just breaking down like this." I wipe my eyes, trying to collect myself while Jessa keeps rubbing my back assuredly.

"We can talk about it if you want, or if you just want to sit here. Whatever you need," Jessa says, and I give her what I'm sure is a pathetic smile.

"Have you ever loved someone you couldn't have?" It's a broad thing to say. I'm not romantically in love with Lincoln, but I know I could be. There's already a love for him in my heart, but deep down, I know it could be devastating.

She shakes her head, but doesn't stop rubbing my back.

"Why can't you be with them?" she asks. Probably wondering why I've never brought up my dating life before.

"Because it's so stupidly complicated I can't even get into it." I scoff. The last thing I need is her realizing how fucked up I am and that she should run far, far away.

"But you both want to be together?" she asks and I nod my head. "Then I'm sure you can figure out a way to make it work."

God, I wish it was that easy. I wish I could give into him and just see what life could be like between us.

I start crying again, and Jessa, being the amazing friend she is, doesn't stop with the soothing back rubs. When I'm finally done sobbing like an asshole, she wraps her arms around me and squeezes me into an affectionate hug that I desperately needed.

How I got so lucky with her entering my life when she did, I'm not sure. But I'm not letting her go.

"I'm so sorry for ruining lunch."

"Hey, you didn't ruin anything," Jessa says, pulling back and rubbing my arms. "Do you want to go home early? I'll cover for you at the office."

"Really?" I ask, with a small smile.

"Of course. What are girlfriends for?"

"Thanks, Jessa."

We hug and I make my way to my apartment, where I plan on being a mess until my dreaded appointment with my therapist this afternoon.

I fidgetwith the side of the couch as Deb grabs a new pen and looks at me.

As soon as her inquisitive brown eyes meet mine, I fall apart and spill my guts out. I tell her everything; Key Club, the letter, the weekend.

She doesn't speak as I spew it all out and tell her far too many details about what's going on in my ridiculous life.

I don't even know how much time passes when I get the whole story out and finally meet her eyes.

"Well, that's a lot," she says, taking a moment to gather her thoughts. "Let's start with the letter," she says, and I grimace.

"Do we have to?"

"You pay me, Penny. You wanted to get this all off your chest and work through it, and that's what I'm here for."

"It set me back," I reply, wrapping my arms around myself.

"In what way?"

"You know that I've been wanting to get to the bottom of who I am and what I want. When I read that letter, I felt like I didn't matter, that I shouldn't even be here. She didn't go into detail in her letter, but it's not hard to guess what happened. I guess it kind of makes sense."

Deb's brows furrow. "What do you mean by that?"

"My beginnings were fucked up. Why wouldn't the rest of my life?"

"Why do you think your life is so bad, Penny? You have a job, you have a family who loves you. You're working on yourself to be the best you can be, so that you can have a healthy, happy life. Where is all this negative self talk coming from?"

"I don't know," I say, looking away from her. "But in case you missed the other half of my story, I also have romantic feelings for my cousin beyond all the sexual stuff I didn't get too graphic with."

"What does he want?" she asks.

"He wants to be together."

"And you don't want to lose your family?" she asks, knowing what I feel right off the bat. I nod and she jots down some notes. I think my case file grew by multiple pages after this session. "Are you worried that it's just some torrid affair and that nothing would come out of it besides devastation?"

"That's how all my other relationships have gone. I get so sucked into the moment and the haze of it all that I don't see the signs before it's too late."

"But you've done a lot of work, Penny. A year ago you didn't recognize this about yourself, now you do."

"Are you seriously suggesting that I go figure things out with Lincoln?"

"No, I'm not suggesting anything. I'm just saying that you're being too mean to yourself. You're intelligent, caring, and kind, Penny. You deserve peace and happiness. This choice is solely yours, and it comes with a lot of potential consequences. It's not something you should take lightly. The fact that you didn't just agree to be with him shows how much you've grown."

I swallow and nod my head.

"Let's get back to the letter," she says and I groan at Deb. "You can be angry and mad at her. You're allowed to feel however you need. It's separate from her trauma."

"I know. I went to a rage room with Linc," I say. I swear her lip tilts in a half smile before it quickly disappears.

"That's one way to get those feelings out. I'd like for you to write a letter of your own back. It's not something you'd send. But I'd like you to write it, get it all out and then burn it."

"I can do that."

"We will move to weekly sessions for the foreseeable future to work through everything else as it comes," she says.

My face falls, and she shakes her head. "Needing to see me more is not a backslide, Penny. It's understanding yourself."

I nod and leave the building, contemplating what to write into the letter.

It tookme three hours to get down the words I wanted to say, what I needed to get off of my chest. But the words are on paper and clutched in my hand as I sit on the rooftop deck.

It's late and humid as the small fire pit lights up before me. I twiddle the paper between my fingers, considering keeping it. As cathartic as the words were to put on paper, something still feels off about the whole process.

The door to the rooftop slams and I jolt in my seat, immediately relaxing when I see it's Lincoln approaching.

"Are you stalking me now?" I ask, as he rounds the patio furniture and takes a seat next to me. He holds out his beer and I scrunch my nose and shake my head.

"I'd say you're stalking me. I come up here all the time," he jokes, searching my face.

Neither of us mention this morning, the weekend, or anything between us. Thank God. I really don't feel like crying anymore than I already have today.

"What's that?"

I sigh and unfold it. "A letter to my biological mom, my therapist's idea."

"You aren't going to give it to her?"

"No, Deb said I should write it and burn it. But I don't know if that's what I want to do."

"What did you say in it?" he asks. His posture is relaxed as he leans back on the couch and searches my face.

I open up the letter and sigh. Reading it out loud feels real, raw, and terrible, but I do it anyway.

"I want you to know that I don't blame you for putting me up for adoption. I can't imagine what you went through or what your life was like. But I do know how my life went. I was blessed to be adopted by a good family who gave me the world. Not only a place to live and food to eat, but pure genuine love. So I want to thank you for that. I know life could have been wholly different if you didn't make the choices you did."

Lincoln's palm reaches out and squeezes my thigh. I know I should shove him off, but I don't. His touch is too comforting.

"But I'm still angry. I'm angry that you don't want to meet me, that I built up what it would be like meeting my biological mom only to find out I was the product of abuse. I've spent a lot of my life feeling lost, like something was missing. I thought maybe once I knew where I came from, why I wasn't wanted, maybe it would all make more sense. But now, I just feel more confused than ever. I know it's not fair to put this anger and pain solely on you. You did what you had to. But I'm lost."

I wipe a tear from my eye and breathe as I continue, not daring to look over at Lincoln.

"I realize I can't push you for a relationship and I have to live with the unknown. It's a hard pill to swallow, but I'm going to accept your boundaries. I'm not really sure what else to put in this letter besides my hopes. I hope that you find happiness and peace. I wish the same for myself. I'm going to hold my family tight, and one day when I have children of my own, I'll tell them about you, even if it is this little piece of you. Because even though you couldn't take care of me, and you probably didn't want me to be brought into the world, you did, and you did the best you could. So I guess all that's left to say is thank you and I'm going to work on moving on with my life."

I don't even second guess it. Once the words are out, I toss the letter into the fire and watch it burn.

Lincoln doesn't speak, but he pulls me close into his chest and I rest my head on his shoulder as we watch the letter burn together. I don't know how it helped, but it did, saying everything I felt out loud.

"You did good," Lincoln says softly.

I stay in his embrace for far longer than I should. He just feels too good and when he isn't talking, it makes things easier.

"I should go," I whisper.

He places a wordless kiss on the top of my head and I leave the rooftop feeling lighter than I did before I came up here, but just as confused.