18. Remember Your Promise

REMEMBER YOUR PROMISE

Penny is not a morning person,and I don't wake her. I just stare at the pool of blonde hair taking up a significant amount of real estate on my pillows and think of ways to convince her to give me more time.

I've been so good with order, liking my life organized and clean for so long. But right now I want to find long blonde hairs clinging to my suit jacket before going to work. I want every shower to be with her; I want to watch more stupid shows and get drunk and sing karaoke at Calamity with her.

It all boils down to Penny.

The woman who's always been in front of me, but never a second thought in my mind. But then Avalon happened and everything changed.

I wish I could just let this weekend pass and all these memories fall away with her, but I can't.

Is it because she's what I can't have?

No, it's definitely more than that. Penny's the first person to make me smile and feel so carefree in such a long time. I didn't even feel a fraction of this with Vanessa and I thought I was going to marry her.

She wouldn't be a fraction of the wife or mother that Penny would be.

I groan and rub my face just thinking about it. My life could always be how this weekend was. Maybe I fucked up, convincing her that we just needed to get it out of our system, because the fact is Penny's embedded in my fucking veins now. Whether she wants to be or not.

"Stop staring at me, you freak," she groans, and I grab her by the waist, holding her tight against my chest.

"I wasn't staring. I was admiring."

"Then continue," she sighs, nestling in against my body with her eyes still closed.

"What if I said I didn't want to go back to real life after the weekend?" I ask.

Her body stiffens, but she doesn't leave my embrace.

"That's not what we agreed on, Linc."

"I know."

She can clearly hear how dejected I feel, and she pulls away. She uses my large shirt and tucks it over her knees as she holds her legs close to herself and looks at me.

"I've put my parents through a lot, Linc. This family is all I have."

"You can't deny what we have, Penny," I try to reason with her.

"I'm not denying anything. This weekend has been amazing, more than amazing. But we can't, Linc. As much as I loved this weekend and I care about you, I can't lose my family."

"You're not losing your family, Penny."

She glares at me, standing up and pacing in front of my bed.

"You don't get it."

"Tell me what I don't get," I say, crossing my arms over my bare chest and leaning against the headboard.

"They would choose you, Lincoln. If we did this and told them everything and then things fall apart between us? They would choose you. I'd be Holly and Tim's once-adopted daughter that's been disgraced from the family."

"You're being dramatic," I say, and she stops her pacing to stare at me.

Her blue eyes fill with tears and I suddenly want to swallow the words back down my throat.

"I know they'd choose you, because I'd choose you too, Lincoln. It's why I need to go."

She grabs her dress from the corner and I finally stand up to stop her from leaving the bedroom.

"Sunday isn't even over yet," I say.

She comes to stand before me, dress clutched against her chest.

"I need to leave," she whispers.

"But you don't want to."

"I know, that's the worst part," she says, throwing the dress on and pushing past me through the living room and kitchen toward the front door.

"Penny, come back. We can talk about this."

Her hand is on the door handle and she breathes, resting her forehead against the door for a short moment.

"I always change myself for the guy I'm with, you know that?" she says and I furrow my brow, wondering where the fuck this conversation is going.

"Whatever hobbies they have, I take up. Whenever they thought something was funny, I'd laugh even though I hated it. Their favorite food became my favorite food. I was always willing to toss these small pieces of me away for them—they were small pieces. What was the big deal? But recently, I figured out that too many pieces of me are gone. I don't know who I am."

She's crying now, and I go to approach her, but she waves me off.

"As much as you made me feel like one whole piece this weekend, without my family, I'll be just as lost."

"Penny, just stay. We can talk about this."

"Thank you for the weekend, Linc. Remember your promise," she says, opening the door and leaving me behind like she didn't just take a piece of me.

I sit on the couch, my head between my hands, and contemplate all of her words. Of course, all my first thoughts are selfish ones, like telling the family and having her see that she's wrong.

Not that there wouldn't be discontentment if we were to publicly come out as a couple. There would be a serious adjustment period. They wouldn't be happy, but they'd get over it.

But she's thinking this all under the guise of it being some fling, something that will eventually fizzle out.

I need to prove to her that I'm serious and that I want it all.

I'm already hatinglife because it's Monday, I haven't seen Penny, and the amount of bullshit that's on my desk is abhorrent.

Marie comes in and drops off my coffee with a contemplative look on her face.

"What has you in such a shitty mood?" she asks.

I glare at her, and she glares right back.

"Your brother called," she says.

"Which one?"

"Gavin. He wanted to make sure that you all were still planning on going to Sarasota this weekend."

I groan and tap my head on top of the table.

"This is all very dramatic, even for you, Lincoln."

"Yes, I'll call him and confirm. Why didn't he text me?" I ask and Marie looks around and I roll my eyes. "He's checking up on me?"

She shrugs her shoulders. "I don't know. I just answer the phones. We're ordering lunch from Hugo's. Do you want anything?"

"The usual, thanks."

"You got it," she says, though I know she wants to say more. I just don't have the patience for that today.

I open a browser and pathetically search for ways to make a woman fall in love with you, romantic gestures, and therapists' offices near me.

All I find is bullshit.

I'm not good at this. At sharing my feelings, and being overly sweet and kind. But for Penny, I'll do it. I just don't know how to do that when she's put her foot down on the whole situation.

Maybe instead of pursuing this so heavily, despite my wishes, I need to give her some room to breathe and realize it on her own.

Way easier said than done.

It's beentwo days of my self-talk of leaving Penny alone, to stop hyperfixating and giving her room to breathe.

Well, it's not going well.

I'm standing outside of her apartment door holding an iced latte that's freezing my hand and a breakfast burrito in another.

She opens the door, clicking the button to lock it before spinning around and gasping.

She drops her purse and clutches her chest.

"You fucking scared me," she complains, grabbing her purse and looking up at me. "What's that?"

"Breakfast," I say plainly, and she glares at me.

"Why are you standing in front of my front door holding breakfast?" she asks.

"Because I wanted to. Everyone needs breakfast."

"Lincoln," she sighs my name, walking toward the elevator and pushing the button, not taking the coffee or breakfast.

"Let me drive you to work."

She goes to open her mouth and I shove the straw of the latte in between her parted lips before she can speak.

"I drive you to work all the time."

"That was before."

"Before what?" I ask, wanting her to admit she's been thinking about me, too.

She sighs, grabbing the burrito out of my hands. "Nevermind," she groans as we both enter the elevator.

She's quiet, and I hate it. I like when she doesn't shut up and babbles on about shit. When we leave the building and are smacked with the Florida heat, she concedes.

"Fine, I could use a ride."

I repress a smile as we head over to my car and get in, blasting the AC immediately, and I drive slowly to Kemper's.

"Are you going with your brothers to the beach house this weekend?" she asks.

"Yes, I'm sure Gavin and Ben have some ridiculous shit planned."

She smiles and nods. "I wouldn't expect anything less."

"What are you doing this weekend?" I ask her.

Penny takes an extremely long sip of her latte and shrugs her shoulders.

"I'd cancel, you know?" I tell her as I pull into the parking lot. She thankfully doesn't get out right away and turns her head to face me.

I wonder if she's thinking about how she climbed the console the other night to ride my dick.

"If you wanted to spend the weekend together, I'd cancel."

"Lincoln, I can't do this," she whispers.

"I'd choose you, Penny."

Her eyes well with tears and she shakes her head, opening the door and leaving me behind in the dust. I sit in the parking lot for far too long, my brother coming over and tapping the roof of the car and I roll down my window.

"Everything good?" he asks.

"Yeah, what's up?"

"Penny just looked a little upset, and you've been parked in my lot for a good ten minutes."

"Had a phone call," I lie.

"And Penny?"

"She won't tell me what's up with her." A lie, but not really. I promised I wouldn't bring up her birth mother, and I won't.

"She's been off lately. I'll see if I can get her to talk to me," Aiden says. Forever the pragmatic sweetheart of the Carlson brothers.

"Good luck with that," I say.

Aiden furrows his brows and looks at me.

"And you, is everything okay with you?"

"Just fucking dandy. Can one of you assholes drive this weekend?"

"Yeah, sure," he says, searching my face.

I roll up the window before any additional conversation can be had and head to the office.

I don't want to make Penny cry, I don't want to make her life harder than it already is. But the lengths I'm willing to go to get her to understand how we should be together is concerning.

It's been a long time since I've been fixated on anything, let alone a person.

But here I am, daydreaming about loose blonde curls, pretty blue eyes, that just so happen to belong to my adopted cousin who's adamant there can be nothing between us.

When did my life get so fucking complicated?