Chapter Nine

Chapter Nine

Offside

I waited impatiently for Aiden to contact me. I almost called him, but what right did I have when I'd broken things off?

My phone finally rang with his name three days later while Lucy was hanging out with a friend, and I was just closing my laptop for the evening after submitting an editing job.

I almost dropped my phone, I was so excited. I hit the green circle.

"Aiden, hi!"

"Hello, Fletcher Marin. How are you doing?"

"Hardy har. Cut the pleasantries and please forgive me."

He laughed, and it was the most beautiful sound I'd heard in a while.

"Hey. You needed some time, and I gave it to you. We're good."

"Really? We can just pick up…right where we left off?"

"I take it you missed me?" he said.

"Yes. More than I— More than I thought I would."

He laughed again. "I'm trying to decide if that's an insult."

"It probably is. I'm so sorry."

"Would you stop apologizing? You didn't do anything wrong. I'm glad you took a step back if you needed it. And I'm thrilled to be talking to you again." There was a long silence and the sounds of Aiden's breath. "But I missed you every day…as much as I knew I would."

"Aiden," I said, full of emotion.

"Well, at least we don't have to hide our relationship from Lucy," he said. "But what do we do now? Go on a couple of dates then suddenly we're serious?"

"Well, I'm serious. You should know that. I…I wouldn't be talking to you if I wasn't."

"Fletcher, I feel that way, too. I just hope…"

"What?"

"I hope you don't have to put me through that again. But, honestly, I want to give you what you need, whatever that is."

"I think…" I said. "I think we go on a couple of dates then I start having you over here."

There was silence. "You know, Lucy may feel differently about this if I start coming to the house."

"Hmm. I wonder."

"Don't you think?"

"I suppose there's only one way to find out. She definitely likes you."

He laughed. "So, dinner?"

"Sure. I'd love that."

"I'll kill the spider this time."

"Aiden, I'll never ask you to commit murder for me."

* * * *

After Aiden and I had gone on a dinner date and a movie date with Lucy's knowledge, she grilled me.

"So, Dad, do you like him?"

We were putting the Christmas lights up around the front porch on a warmish day, before the temperature plummeted and the snow fell, which usually happened in December. Daniel had usually done this, and now Lucy and I took pleasure in taking care of it, knowing he'd appreciate that we kept the tradition.

"Yes, I do. Thanks for setting us up."

One day I would tell her that we'd already been dating and that she helped get us back together. Whatever happened, I knew Aiden and I would always be friends—and maybe this thing had longevity. It was too soon to tell.

"You should invite him over here. I could have McDonald's early and you could make Aiden supper," she said, passing me another string of lights.

"How did I know you'd figure out a way to get McDonald's?"

She shrugged. "I'll make the sacrifice."

We hadn't been back to the Bordello, but it was only a matter of time. And my mood was much improved. I realized that, as much as I sometimes felt I should sacrifice my own fulfillment for Lucy's sake, keeping myself happy and having my needs met benefited her, as well as it benefited me. My therapist had pointed that out when I'd told her what had happened.

"Fletcher, it's that analogy of the plane going down and making sure you put your own oxygen mask on first. If you're not functional and happy, nobody else will be."

"Yeah. I'm starting to realize that."

"You can't possibly be there for every little thing Lucy goes through, nor should you be. She's growing up, and she's going to have to figure some things out for herself. Even if Daniel were alive, he wouldn't be there for everything either."

All of that was true. But it was hard to keep that perspective when I felt that Lucy had been so cheated by fate.

My phone chimed mid-morning and I grinned, thinking it was Aiden.

But it was my father-in-law, Brian.

Fletcher, Annie and I would like to have lunch with you tomorrow, if you're free. We have some things we'd like to discuss.

Something felt off about this text.

Of course. Where would you like to meet? And with or without Lucy?

Won't she be in school?

Yes, but I can pull her out for the afternoon.

No. That's fine. It's better we discuss without her.

Okay. Now I was getting warning bells. A deep sense of foreboding formed in my belly.

Daniel's parents were wonderful people and had been a lifesaver after his death. They'd helped a lot with Lucy, even looking after her for a few months while I recovered from the shock of Daniel's death and completed all of the practical requirements of burying my spouse. They'd contributed to the cost of his casket and the funeral, which I hadn't realized would be such a huge expense.

Brian and Annie Marin were a big part of Lucy's life, and I was grateful for the monthly weekends they had her to their bungalow in the west end and for the two weeks that they had her to their cottage in the summer. It gave me a much-needed break from the strains of being a single parent.

But now I was wondering what this meant. Maybe they wanted to set up another tax-free savings account for Lucy's education and needed my consent for the form. It could be anything, but they'd never actually requested a formal meeting with me like this.

My phone chimed again. This time it was Aiden and my mood immediately improved. I decided that I was overreacting to my father-in-law's unexpected request.

Hey there. How's my favorite editor slash single parent?

Gm. I'm good. How are you?

Horny. I'm so horny. Eggplant emoji. Fire emoji. Sad face emoji.

Laughing face emoji. Get a hold of yourself.

Heart eyes emoji. Okay. If I must. Eggplant emoji. Hands together emoji.

Is that a prayer or masturbation?

A little bit of both?

Lol. Good luck.

I want to go back to the Bordello. Even though that's what scared you off, I feel like we really connected.

Me too. FYI Lucy is away this weekend, so if you wanted to come for a sleepover…

Hell, yes. Can we do both?

I don't see why not.

Celebration emoji.

Super happy face emoji

* * * *

I was meeting Brian and Annie at a Denny's near Baseline Road. I swallowed my pride and drove to the restaurant situated in the parking lot of a strip mall.

My father-in-law was waiting for me outside the restaurant. He looked a lot like Daniel, and every time I saw him I was a little bit taken aback by it. His red hair had gotten lighter and coarser, and there were almost as many age spots as freckles now. Some strong emotion hovered right under the surface, but I pushed it down and smiled.

"Hi, Brian. How are you?"

"Fletcher!" Brian said, smiling wide and reaching out to take my hand. He clutched my elbow with his other hand and squeezed. "How are you doing?"

I avoided the question. "Where's Annie?"

"She's sitting inside, saving our table."

Brian led the way to the table where Daniel's mother, Annie, sat tapping on her phone screen. She looked up and smiled when Brian and I approached.

"Fletcher! How nice to see you. Sit down."

"Thanks. I'm starved."

Annie was petite but had a confident way about her. Her graying hair was expertly coiffed, and she wore her makeup in a way that made her look younger than her actual age.

She laughed. "Oh good. So am I and I don't want to look like a pig. They serve breakfast all day, and I'm dying for French toast."

I grabbed a menu and had a look while Brian sat beside Annie.

"The omelets are pretty good," he said. "But I think I'm going to have the chicken sandwich."

"How's Lucy?" Annie asked.

"She's great," I said.

Suddenly, Annie became serious. "How's she fairing at school? Grade seven can be a challenge for kids like Lucy."

I stared at my mother-in-law. "What do you mean?"

"Oh, I just mean for kids who are dealing with other issues."

"Lucy's fine. She's happy."

My mother-in-law smiled, like she didn't quite believe me. "Is she still having nightmares?"

"Annie," Brian cautioned.

"Well, I'm curious. They make her so upset, and I'd like to know if that's still going on."

"Not as often as she used to get them," I said, wary at this line of questioning. "But occasionally, yes, Lucy does have upsetting dreams. But her therapist and mine have both said that's normal in our…situation."

"Of course," Annie said, with a glance at Brian.

At that moment the bubbly server came to take our order.

After she'd left, Anne picked up her napkin and placed it on her lap. She cleared her throat and smiled. "How are the animals?"

"Fine," I said, looking back and forth between her and Brian. Brian was red-faced and seemed like he wanted to be somewhere else. "They're all fine. Look… You said you wanted to talk to me about something. Does it have to do with Lucy?"

"Yes," Annie said. "It does."

"Okay. Can you tell me, please, before I guess something completely wrong…"

"Brian and I," Annie said slowly, "think that Lucy might be better off living in a…a two-parent household."

"A two-parent household," I repeated, a dull ringing starting between my ears.

"Fletcher, we were thrilled when you and our son announced that you were going to have a child, especially when we found out that Lucy was Daniel's biological child. It was a dream come true for us."

"It was a…a dream come true for us, as well," I said, my voice flat.

"Of course. But, Fletcher, we can't help thinking that Daniel—may he rest in peace—would want what's best for Lucy." She glanced at Brian, who nodded in agreement. "Brian and I think she'd be better off living with us."

I stared at Annie, who looked exactly like the Annie I knew who would do anything for Lucy and me. But now she was talking about taking Lucy away from me. I couldn't process it.

"You mean, for a few more weeks in the summer? I'm sure she'd like that. I'll—"

"No, Fletcher, honey. We think Lucy should live with us, full-time. We're going to request full custody."

No, no, no. Not happening.

"You can't do that," I said.

"Well, actually, since Daniel was Lucy's biological—"

I took a deep breath, a sudden, irrational urge to call Aiden for assistance hitting me, which I dismissed, because it wouldn't help and would probably make things worse. Brian and Annie didn't know I was seeing someone.

"No. Sorry, but no."

Brian steepled his hands'. "Be reasonable. For a single man—a gay man—to raise a child on his own. We don't think it's the best thing for Lucy."

"I'm Lucy's father," I said like a man in a dream. "I am what's best for Lucy."

"Daniel was Lucy's father, Fletcher," Annie said in a soft, gentle tone. "You were Daniel's partner."

I felt queasy, and like I might have to vomit.

"Husband. I was Daniel's husband. I am as much Lucy's father as Daniel was. Just because she doesn't have my DNA…it doesn't mean I'm not her father."

"Well, in a court of law…" Brian began to say, and I turned on him.

"Mr. Marin, if your son heard you just now, do you know what he'd tell you?"

Brian shook his head back and forth, but it was more in frustration that I wasn't understanding what they were trying to say.

"He'd tell you that I am as much Lucy's father as he is. We'd never have had Lucy if he wasn't in a committed relationship with me. It was only our love for each other and his dream of having a child that brought Lucy into this world."

"And some help from the miracle of science," Annie muttered under her breath.

I stared at her, my heart breaking. I'd begun to think of her as a parental figure. She'd been so helpful since Daniel's death, and now that was tainted. Now I knew she had only been watching, listening and biding her time until she could use it all to her advantage. I didn't doubt that this was coming from a good place, but who knew what was best for Lucy but me and Lucy?

"I need to go," I said, running a hand through my hair.

"But, your French toast!" Annie said, as the server brought our food to the table.

"I don't need any fucking French toast!" I said, getting up and making my way hastily to the doors, gasping for breath and ready to heave the contents of my earlier breakfast onto the potted plants by the entrance.

"Fletcher!" Brian called after me, but I was gone, the door of the restaurant swinging and slamming behind me. My heart pounded in my ears as I tried to remember where I'd parked the car. Clammy sweat pooled in my armpits and behind my knees as I searched for it. I lurched over to the grass and puked, my stomach emptying itself as I gasped and coughed. When I was finished, I started walking aimlessly around the parking lot, before I remembered that I'd parked on the other side.

When I found my car, I unlocked the driver's side door and yanked it open, then got in, slammed it shut, then locked it. I folded my arms on the steering wheel and sobbed.

It reminded me of the moment I'd learned about Daniel's death and the way it had seemed like the Earth was turning too rapidly. I'd felt dizzy and nauseous, like I did now.

They couldn't take Lucy from me. She was all I had left. She was the only thing that got me out of bed some days. And maybe that was selfish, but I knew Lucy wouldn't want to live with Daniel's parents. My home was her home—always had been. She loved those animals as much as she loved me—well, maybe more. Sure, she was still having disturbing dreams about Daniel and his death, but her therapist was working with her on that. And who was to say she wouldn't keep having them if she did move in with Annie and Brian.

Goddamn it, I couldn't even contemplate it. I was Lucy's father, and I was still here. There had been a moment, in the aftermath of the accident, after Daniel had been buried and when I was only beginning to understand that I'd have to live the rest of my life without him, when I'd contemplated ending it all. But the next second showed me Lucy's face, and I knew I'd never be able to take the easy way out. She was my anchor, and I had a feeling I was hers.

I was the best person to look after her, and Lucy knew it. They weren't going to rip us apart.

When I was able to pull myself together, I drove home. The dogs could tell I was upset, and they swarmed me and bothered me as I charged upstairs to the bedroom. I noticed how cluttered and in disarray the place was. Maybe Lucy and I were messy, and I didn't tidy up as much as I should. But Lucy helped me with some of the chores, and I made sure to do the basic cleaning every week. Sure, there was dog hair everywhere, and sometimes the dishes weren't washed every day. But I'm sure I wasn't the most slovenly parent out there.

Lucy wouldn't be home from school for a few hours, so I had some time to think about what I was going to do. I had no idea if they could legally request full custody of my child. My name was on Lucy's birth certificate, along with Daniel's and the name of our surrogate, Tamara, which was legally required to be there, even though she had signed over all legal rights to parenting Lucy. Daniel had assured me that in Ontario, I didn't have to go through the process of formally adopting my own child, but now I kind of wished I had. If Annie and Brian could prove I was unfit to be Lucy's parent, maybe they could take her.

The thought made me want to vomit again.

I picked up my phone and found Annie's contact info. I texted her.

Annie, if you say anything about this to Lucy, I will never forgive you. I'm not going to tell her we had this discussion. And know that if you do take me to court over this, I will fight you with everything I have. And you'll be doing more to hurt Lucy, when she's already been hurt so much.

I waited on tenterhooks for her reply. It came about fifteen minutes later.

We didn't mean to upset you, Fletcher. But we will be looking into this. And we may have to ask Lucy what she thinks about it.

I hit the Call button. Annie picked up after a couple of rings.

"Don't you think she's gone through enough?" I said, choking on emotion. "She's so much better than she was, Annie. We're doing really good. I'm so much better now. We're both in therapy."

"Fletcher, I really am sorry, but Brian and I think—"

"Annie, please. I'm begging you not to make Lucy choose. You may not like the outcome, and it's going to cause her so much pain—"

There was a pause. "She's twelve years old, Fletcher. Don't you think a young woman needs a…a female influence?"

I wanted to scream, but I held on to my anger by a thread. "I can't have this conversation with you."

"You called me, Fletcher. What happens when Lucy starts menstruating? Will you be buying her supplies? Will you be talking to her about sex and all of that?"

The shock and disbelief at those words pushed some of my anger away. I took the phone away from my ear and stared at it in my hand. I tried to stay calm as I lifted it to my ear again.

"Lucy got her first period over a year ago, Annie. I'm surprised she didn't tell you about it." Yeah, that was a dig. "We talk about all kinds of things, including various topics in sexuality, gender and feminism." I put a hand to my forehead. "Just because I wasn't born with a vulva and a uterus doesn't mean I'm incapable of understanding the female perspective."

There was a tiny snort, but then an apology. "I'm sorry. You're probably right."

Probably?

"I'm sorry, Fletcher, but I can't help thinking that it would be better for Lucy to live with us. I have to go, but we need to continue this discussion. Please be open minded and consider our viewpoint. We've lost our son, and we'd like to raise his daughter. Goodbye."

She disconnected, and I was left staring at my phone with increasing rage and a sense of helplessness. I wanted to throw it across the room, like a frustrated adolescent. But I needed to be mature, and handle this like a grown man.

And I needed to tell someone.

I texted Aiden.

Hi, can I call you?