Chapter Eight

Chapter Eight

Trauma

"You can get dressed," Aiden said.

"Yes, Sir."

I put on my clothes slowly and methodically, because I was reluctant to get out of the headspace and worried I'd have a big drop from such an impactful experience.

Aiden grabbed his jacket and beckoned me to come to him. God, that gesture. I loved it so much. When I got there, he put his hands on my shoulders and stared into my eyes.

"Thank you for that," he said. "I enjoyed every minute of it."

"You're welcome," I said, suddenly self-conscious. But that feeling went away as soon as he leaned in and kissed me with care and concern.

"Let's go have another drink, now that our scene is over."

"All right. But…won't everyone know what we've been up to?"

Aiden laughed. "Hopefully."

He took my hand and led me out of the room, locking the door behind us. He kept holding it as he took me back to the gaming parlor.

I was a grown man. Believe me, I knew how to be an adult. I had a twelve-year-old child and a deceased husband. I paid bills and made appointments and dealt with clients.

But for an hour, I had been able to forget about all of it. I felt lighter and more relaxed than I had in years, and it was all thanks to this man. He dropped my hand as we entered the parlor but I followed him to a table like a well-behaved puppy.

"Sit," he said, using a gesture to indicate where he wanted me.

I sat. He must have sensed that I still needed his guidance as I slowly resumed the trappings of my regular existence. He took the key to the bar where Jacob was serving a customer.

Cheeky Robin appeared out of nowhere, batting his eyelashes and grinning.

"Well, well, well. Back for a little something after a little…something?"

"Hi, Robin. We're not ready to leave yet," I said.

"Wonderful. I'm glad you're enjoying everything Maverick Molly's has to offer." He looked me up and down and put a finger to his chin, tilting his head. "Are you escaping a stressful corporate job? Or do you"—he looked around to make sure no one was in listening distance—"work for the government?"

"No, I'm an editor."

"Oh!" He seemed surprised. "A wordsmith!"

I laughed. He was so damn cute, and I was feeling so relaxed. No sub drop so far, just a feeling of peace and familiarity. Maybe a drop would come later? I decided to roll with it and stop trying to predict everything.

"More of a bricks and mortar kind of thing," I explained.

"Do you write?"

Robin's questions charmed me. He seemed genuinely interested in my life.

"I have. Not recently."

"Oh." He frowned. "How come?"

I blinked, not expecting such a personal question.

"I'm…well…I have a kid."

"Oh!"

"And my husband died a few years ago. So, I'm a single dad."

He put a hand to his mouth in an almost comical level of pity for me. "Oh, you poor thing!"

The response was so genuine and so unexpected that I burst out a laugh just as Aiden returned with two whiskey sours. He placed one on the table in front of me and smiled at Robin.

"What's the joke?"

Robin frowned. "This poor, poor man."

Aiden looked confused.

"Fletcher?"

"Does he know?" Robin asked, gesturing at Aiden.

"Yes, he knows."

"About the husband that died. And the twelve-year-old. How awful!"

It seemed as if Robin felt equally horrified at the death of my husband and the fact that I had to care for a twelve-year-old. For once, the acknowledgment of Daniel's death didn't hit me like a dump truck. Robin was such a genuine and adorable presence, and I was still floating from my experience with Aiden in the Bordello.

I glanced at Aiden. "I'm adjusting."

Robin smiled. "That's good. I always say, grab life with two hands and jump. You know, make the most of it."

"I agree," Aiden said. He sat back and smiled at me contemplatively, looking older than he was.

"What?" I asked.

He shrugged as Robin left to attend to the other customers.

"You look like a burden has been lifted. I can't help but hope it's because of…"

"It is. I'm sure tomorrow the weight of it all will come crushing down again. But right now, I feel…good. Like, really good."

"Well, that makes me happy."

"Thank you for taking such good care of me."

"Anytime, babe. I mean that. I'm up for a visit to Molly's whenever you have time or whenever Patrick can watch Lucy," he said. "I may have just become a paying member of this very special place."

He held up a laminated card with the club's name embossed in gold on the front.

"Wow. You're easy," I said with a grin.

"When it comes to accessing all that equipment? I sure am," he said. "And, besides, we get discounts on drinks."

* * * *

When I put in my code on the front door lock a little after eleven, both dogs came up to me, whining.

"Shhh. Don't wake Lucy," I whispered, giving them pats and toeing off my shoes.

I rounded the corner into the living room and saw Patrick sitting up, awake, beside a tearful Lucy.

He glanced over and smiled. "She had a nightmare."

"Oh, Dad!" Lucy said and jumped up to throw her arms around me.

Patrick gave me a sympathetic look as the guilt of not being here when Lucy needed me hit hard.

I hugged her close. "Are you okay?"

Lucy shook her head and started crying. "No."

Patrick got up off the sofa and went into the kitchen, giving us some space.

"Was it about Papa?" Lucy had called Daniel ‘Papa' and me ‘Daddy'. Now she called me Dad, because she ‘wasn't a baby anymore'.

She nodded. "Yeah."

"Oh, honey," I said, squeezing her. "That's hard."

"I thought it was real. Then I woke up."

I'd had those dreams, too. The nightmare was waking up.

Patrick stood by the door, looking at his phone.

"I called an Uber. It should be here soon," he said.

"Patrick."

He turned to me.

"Thank you."

"Hey, no worries. Did you have a good time?"

"I…I can't even think about that right now."

"Yeah, sorry. She's okay, though. She's a tough kid."

I didn't reply. Patrick was wonderful, but how would he know how tough or not tough Lucy was? He hadn't seen her almost catatonic in the first couple of weeks after Daniel's accident, when I'd been barely functional. He hadn't heard her angry words when she went through that stage of her grief or seen her wracked with sobs a few days later. He hadn't been the one to try to tempt her to eat when she couldn't see past her sense of loss enough to have a snack, let alone a full meal.

As we sat together on the sofa after Patrick had left, I held her close and wished I'd been here instead of at Maverick Molly's with Aiden. I should have been. What gave me the right to have fun when Lucy was still suffering the effects of Daniel's death?

The carefree feeling I'd experienced was an illusion. This was real life.

I held her close, with the dogs sleeping at our feet, for an hour before I carried her to bed. She was getting big, but I could still lift her. In another year or two I probably wouldn't be able to manage it.

I remembered arguing with Daniel about who got to take Lucy to bed when she was small and up in the night. If I'd known what was coming, I'd have let him do it every single time.

I made sure she was still sleeping before I went to my own room, stripped to my boxers and got under the covers. I laid there for a long time, trying to get back to that feeling of peace and ease that I'd experienced at the club, but it was no use.

Maybe this was finally my sub drop. Moisture gathered in my eyes, and I did the only thing I could think of.

Aiden picked up the phone after a couple of rings.

"Hey. What's going on?" Aiden asked in a sleep-filled voice.

I'd woken him.

"Aiden, I—" was all I could get out before the tears came in earnest.

"Fletcher? Are you dropping?" he asked, with what sounded like a yawn.

"I don't know. I don't know."

"You're probably dropping. It doesn't always happen right after. I'm glad you called," he said, his voice filled with kindness.

"Yeah."

"Has Patrick gone home?"

"Yeah. I'm sorry."

"No, I'm glad you called me."

I played with the edge of my comforter. "Lucy had a nightmare while I was gone."

"Yeah? Is she okay?"

I sighed. "She's asleep now."

There was a long silence when all I could hear was Aiden's soft breaths.

"Fletcher?"

"I should have been here," I blurted.

"But…Patrick was there."

"I should have been here."

Silence again.

"Aiden, I had so much fun with you…at Molly's. It was wonderful, and I definitely needed that, but…I think I need to take some time."

More silence.

"All right. If that's what you need, you can have it."

He wasn't angry—and for that I was grateful.

"You're not mad?" I asked, my voice barely there.

"Why would I be mad?"

"I don't know."

"I'm sad. I'll miss seeing you. Please call me if you change your mind."

"Okay," I said, knowing I wouldn't. "Thanks."

Lucy was my priority. She was the only thing I had left of Daniel, and I needed to keep her safe. If that meant sacrificing my own personal fulfillment, that was the way it had to be.

I took a deep breath. This was so hard. "Thank you for everything, Aiden."

"You're welcome, Fletcher. I—"

"Goodbye, Aiden."

"Goodbye, then."

After I ended the call, a wave of relief hit me. This was the right thing to do. This was what you had to do when you were a parent, especially a single parent. You had to make your child the number-one priority.

* * * *

"Lucy, you need to get ready faster. We're going to be late!" I said, throwing some treats to the dogs. I'd let her have the day off school to attend a therapy appointment, and we were going to spend the afternoon together doing something fun.

"Almost ready!"

When Lucy came downstairs, she was wearing the strangest outfit I'd ever seen and the words were out of my mouth before I could stop them.

"Absolutely not. Go get changed."

She leveled me a glare. "You can't tell me what to do. It's my body."

Oh, here we go.

"Lucy. Go put on some unripped jeans."

"Dad!"

"Where did you get those?"

"At the thrift store."

"I think you got gypped. Half of them are missing."

They were ripped in several places, one of those spots being on the upper thigh, a little too close to areas that should not be exposed.

"Dad, all my friends wear jeans like these!"

"I don't give a fuck if half the city is wearing them. You're not."

She crossed her arms over her chest. "You know, for a gay dad, you really disappoint me sometimes," she said. "You can't actually see my ass. And anyway, why do you get to decide?"

I blew out a breath, sorry I'd even started this. I was usually big on bodily autonomy, but I was also big on appropriate social expectations in some situations.

"It looks…you know"—Don't say it. Don't say it—"slutty," I said it, digging myself in deeper.

"Really, Dad? You're going to slut shame me? Why is my female body automatically considered sexual?"

We stared at each other for a long moment, and I decided I didn't actually care and wasn't going to die on this hill. And, she had a point.

"Fine. I don't give a fuck. Let's go."

"Oh, wow. Great parenting there."

"Just get in the car."

Lucy and I had been on each other's cases for days, and it wasn't like us. We'd had our moments in the past, but for some reason, the last few weeks had been harder. Maybe it was because Lucy had tests and mid-terms and I had a couple of time-sensitive projects. Or maybe it was the brisk and depressing November weather. Whatever it was, we'd both been short-tempered and irritable.

Lucy listened to music all the way to the therapist's office, so I didn't have to make conversation, then felt guilty for that thought. I felt a burst of rage toward Daniel for dying right before Lucy became a preteen and leaving me with the stress of parenting a teenager all by myself, then felt guilty for that. Too bad mine wasn't the therapy appointment today.

When I picked Lucy up after her session, her mood had improved.

"Good appointment?" I asked with a smile, determined to make an effort.

"Yep. She complimented my outfit." Lucy gave me a look that only a triumphant twelve-year-old could produce.

"Huh. I guess I'm just an old fogey with outdated attitudes," I said.

"You've got to stop policing my body, Dad."

"I…didn't know that's what I was doing."

"Where are we going for lunch?"

"I don't know. Where do you want to go?"

"How about Milestones?"

"Sure."

We had a wonderful lunch, then found ourselves at the Museum of Nature on McLeod street, right across from Aiden's apartment. I tried to forget about that. It was our favorite of all the museums in Ottawa, and I was glad that Lucy still wanted to go. In a couple of years, she'd probably only want to hang out with her friends at the mall.

"Look at this, Dad!" Lucy said, beckoning me over to a display of pretend dinosaur eggs. "It says that Gallimimus laid eggs in grassy spots near the bottom of cliffs but they were often found and eaten by T-Rexes and Carnataurs."

I loved that Lucy still got giddy over dinosaur facts. I walked over to see the exhibit a bit closer.

A familiar voice sounded from the back corner of the room.

"Connor, one more curse and I'm sending you back to the bus. Come on."

Lucy and I swiveled our heads to see Aiden Thompson in the middle of a gaggle of school-aged kids by the Triceratops display.

"Aiden!" Lucy said, running over before my brain had even caught up to what was happening.

She stopped in front of him, waving her hand enthusiastically.

"Hi!"

"Lucy! How are you?" Aiden said with a huge smile, before turning to his troupe of about six kids. "Guys, stay in this area please. We'll move to the next room in about ten minutes. Don't forget to write down at least three interesting facts about your favorite dinosaur in your notebooks."

Aiden looked even more attractive than I remembered. My dick twitched its recognition of that Dominant tone as well.

Fuck, what was I supposed to do now?

Aiden scanned the area. He found me before I had a chance to hide. He gave me his winning smile, and my will crumpled.

"Mr. Marin. How are you?" he asked, and I almost cried at the formal address. But Lucy hadn't known we'd been dating.

"Good. Lucy had an appointment, and I took her out of school for the day."

"Nice!" He turned back to Lucy. "Playing hooky?"

"Yep. Don't report me."

Aiden lifted his hands. "I would never. It's important to spend time with your dad."

He glanced my way again, and I thought I saw regret and melancholy in his expression.

Fuck.

Now I felt awful. It was so nice to see him. I'd missed him more than I'd expected. My life was busy, and I didn't have much time to mope. But, lying in bed at night, I'd recalled our time together with more and more regret that I'd broken up with him.

When I'd thought back to the night of Lucy's nightmare, I'd soon realized that I'd overreacted. I couldn't possibly be home every time something happened, and Patrick had been there because I'd made sure someone was looking after her. Soon, she'd be old enough to stay home in the evening by herself. I couldn't bubble wrap her. And I couldn't sacrifice my happiness for the sake of some misguided idea that I should always be beside her.

In a moment of guilt and possibly sub drop, I'd broken up with someone who had only ever treated me with respect and appreciation, even in the midst of a kinky interlude that had blown my world apart in an entirely positive way.

"What are you doing here?" I asked with a smile, to let him know I was happy to see him.

"I got a frantic call this morning to sub for a teacher that had a trip planned. I was free, so I took the job." He looked around and did a quick head count, then turned back to me. "Luckily, there are two other teachers at the museum, and we've each got six kids to keep track of. It's not too bad."

"You are a fucking saint, Aiden," I murmured, then remembered he'd gotten stern with one of his students for cursing. "Oh shit, sorry," I said, putting a hand over my mouth.

"Nice, Dad," Lucy said, grinning.

"Mr. Marin," Aiden said, in such a teacher-like way it made me blush. "Stop setting a bad example."

There was a twinkle in his eye and a sternness to his tone that went straight to my dick. Our gazes held for several beats.

"Hey, Aiden, you should date my dad."

We turned to see Lucy standing by the Gallimimus exhibit with her hand on her hip and a contemplative look on her face.

"Lucy!" I said. "You don't even know if Aiden is gay."

"Yes, she does," Aiden said.

"Yes, I do," Lucy confirmed.

I look back and forth between them.

"I told the class," Aiden said, and I felt even more affection for him.

"Yeah, and it was epic," Lucy said, "because some of the dudebros in my class are so homophobic. But then the coolest teacher in the school says he's gay, and they don't even know how to deal with it."

Aiden's cheeks went darker. "I'm sure your dad doesn't want to date a guy like me."

"Sure he does. Dad, you'd date Mr. Thompson, right?"

I gave them a nervous smile, determined to get myself out of this mess. Then I realized that I didn't even want to.

"Why not?" I said. "Mr. Thompson is very attractive."

Lucy giggled.

What the fuck am I doing?

Aiden's smile slowly disappeared as he stared at me with his eyebrows raised and a question in his gaze. I couldn't blame him.

Lucy grinned. "Come on, Aiden! My dad's a great guy."

Aiden blinked. "I'm…I'm sure he is."

Lucy looked back and forth between us. "I think it'd be good for my dad to go on a date. He's been really lonely since my papa died."

Lucy looked at me and I looked at her, as heavy emotions rose inside me that I really didn't want to display in the middle of the Nature museum.

"Well, I…"

Aiden dug his phone out of his pocket and handed it to me. "Here. Send yourself a text. Then I'll have your number."

I blinked at him and took his phone. I tapped in my number and a contact came up that read, Fletcher Marin Do not call! And my heart squeezed in my chest. I glanced at Aiden and hit edit. I changed the part after my name to Please call me. I'm so sorry! andhanded the phone back.

The smile that lit up Aiden's face was magical when he looked at it. We stared at each other for a long moment. Then Aiden said, "Great."

"Mr. Thompson, I think one of your kids just left," Lucy said, pointing in the direction of the exit.

"Oh fuck," Aiden cursed. He clamped a hand over his mouth, staring wide-eyed at us, then waved and headed off toward the other room.

"How cool was that?" Lucy said. "You're welcome, by the way."

"Thanks. You're a good matchmaker."

"I know, right?" she said, waltzing off toward another display while I stared wistfully in the direction Aiden had gone.