Chapter Nine

Ciaran

I want to move past the issues between Saylor and me. I wish there was a way to look ahead ten years into the future so I can show her exactly how perfect things will be, but I can’t. I thought she trusted our relationship. I thought she knew that Rogue was important, but she was my life . Having her doubt everything about us put me over the edge. There was nothing else I could say to her to make her see things differently. I know she’s hiding her feelings, and it’s frustrating.

Even now, as we touchdown in Arizona, knowing we are so close to her sister, she’s antsy and on edge. All my instincts scream to comfort her, but I don’t. Saylor has the power to break me, and she’s doing a good job of it right now.

“Where is Reed’s place?” Silas asks, glancing between Jason and me.

I throw his bag at him, “We aren’t meeting them at Reed’s house. You know how he is. Mila insisted we meet them at a different location.”

Saylor’s gaze swings to mine, and I see the flash of hurt in them. She thinks I kept this from her. I was only contacted upon our arrival. Which lets me know they’re watching, and probably close by. I glance down at my phone, not Reed’s special phone, but the one with the number everyone has, including Mila. A new alert vibrates in my palm and I slide the message open.

Mi: Meet us at 4001 Broadway S

“Let’s get our wheels,” I motion to Silas who is already heading towards the hanger where a few members of Rogue are waiting for us with a gassed up Range Rover.

I slide in the driver’s seat, Silas my passenger, and hand him the phone so he can navigate for us. Matt climbs in the back with Saylor and Kelly. I glance in the rearview and see Saylor holding her mom’s hand. Kelly looks anxious, a worried frown creasing her forehead since we first left.

Silas directs us towards the middle of town. When we finally turn onto Broadway, the roads are thick with people and cars. A few bars are packed, and it’s difficult to find a parking spot close to the building Mila picked. I grab the closest spot before taking the time to properly survey the surroundings. Mila picked somewhere local, with very little privacy.

“This is where she chose?” Kelly speaks up, and I can hear the hint of unease in her voice.

“It’s smart,” Matt nods in acknowledgement, “Busy enough that she could scream and make a scene, while also being private enough for us to seem as if we’re just family visiting on vacation.”

“She was always smart,” Saylor mutters softly, but I hear her words anyway. I’ve been in tune with her since the day she arrived, even when I didn’t want to be.

“Let’s go in,” Silas finally announces, holding my phone out to me, to read Mila’s latest text indicating we should meet inside.

I let Silas and Matt lead the way, with Saylor and Kelly falling between us. I focus on blending in with the other people on the streets and sidewalks, while also doing extra security. I’m starting to understand more about Reed, and that he wouldn’t have let Mila come here without being watched, or protected. He is close by, I know it, because if it was Saylor I would be too.

Inside the restaurant, we’re directed back to a private patio. Above the crowd I can see Mila’s head. Once Kelly sees her daughter she pushes her way through to get to her. Kelly and Saylor pull Mila into their arms, and it’s then I notice Mila is standing. Not only is she standing, but there is no wheelchair in sight. Knowing she was learning to walk and actually seeing it are two very different things. I glance at Matt, who is now looking at Mila’s legs, and then I turn to Silas who is waiting his turn to hug his youngest sister. When Kelly and Saylor release her, all three girls are crying. Mila holds her arms out to Silas.

“You’re standing,” He says and her head nods yes. I hear an audible gasp from Kelly. In her hurry to see her daughter I doubt she even noticed. Silas gingerly pulls Mila into his chest, giving her a huge brotherly hug.

“Mi?” Saylor has tears in her eyes again, clutching her folded hands to her chest.

Mila peeks out of Silas’s arms, a small smile on her lips, “I will explain everything.”

Silas lets her go, and we all make our way to sit down. I pass Mila, and give her a side hug before she sits. “Good to see you too, Ci.” I nod at her and wink before taking an empty seat. Mila levels a confused glance between Saylor and me when she notices we aren’t sitting by each other. I give her a small shake of my head, but her brow just furrows in worry.

“Please tell us what’s going on Mila,” Kelly starts, “I can see you aren’t exactly being held hostage.”

“When did you start walking?” Silas jumps in.

Laughing, Mila holds up her hands, “I promise we will talk about everything, but can we also order. I’m starving.” Right on cue, a waitress stops by to take our drink orders. A few people also order food, but I decline. Seeing Mila well and healthy has eased the cement block in my stomach a little bit, but I still have so many questions. We small talk until the food comes and we know we have some privacy again.

Mila takes a drink of her water before placing her napkin down. Her eyes touch on everyone at the table, and I can see the love and emotion in them. She isn’t worried, and she isn’t panicking. “Since that night in New York, before we came to Matt’s, I’ve felt different. I didn’t know how to explain it to anyone. It was just in the back of my mind. I should have been more bothered by what happened, or what I did. I tried everything you wanted me to do, therapy, medication, journaling, and all I came back to was that if I hadn’t killed that man, he would have done worse to us. I stopped having nightmares about that night once I accepted that. I wanted to tell you, mom, but then the invasion happened, and I was shot.” Kelly reaches over and places her hand on Mila’s arm.

“By the time I was aware of everything, and back in Minnesota with all of you, I had new hurdles to get past. I wasn’t scared that I might never walk again, I was terrified I couldn’t protect anyone if I couldn’t. You all kept encouraging my PT, and giving me the best access to resources, changing my room to make it easier, helping me with college applications, and getting a door with wheelchair access. I was appreciative, but there was still this voice in my head whispering that if I didn’t push to do more, we all would die.”

“Mila–” Saylor chokes up.

“Say,” Mila gives her sister an encouraging smile, “I’m okay. I promise. I can’t explain to you what living in my head is like though. It was just me and the voice. So I started doing more on my own. Then Reed caught me. I thought he would act like everyone else at first, but he didn’t. He understood what was going on in my head. I think sometimes you all forget I was also there that summer when the bodies were being found,” She laughs at the surprised looks on some of our faces.

“We didn’t forget,” Silas groans, “I just thought we managed to shelter you enough.”

“Not at all,” Mila shakes her head at him, and we all chuckle in response. “I knew everything. I also knew that a few times, before a body was found, Reed would be gone the day before for a few hours. It didn’t take me long to figure it out. I didn’t say anything because I was intrigued. Then you all graduated and left, and for a while it was me and Reed, before he left,” she takes a deep breath, “I made him keep talking to me. I hacked his system, and bothered him until he wrote me back. The more we talked the more I felt connected to him. I understand him, and he understands the darker parts of me that I was too scared to let you all see.”

“Oh honey,” Kelly stands from her chair and pulls Mila into a hug. They hold each other, Kelly crying, while Mila rubs circles on her back, comforting her. “Mila, I would love you no matter what you said, or did. I’m sorry you didn’t think we would accept you.”

“I didn’t think you wouldn’t accept me,” Mila shakes her head, helping her mom back into the chair, “I just knew you might not understand how I don’t feel things. How in some ways I’m just like Reed. Granted, he’s more out there than me, but he doesn’t scare me. It doesn’t repulse, or ruin me. I know him, and he knows the real me.”

“What are you saying, Mila?” Saylor tilts her head, squeezing her sister’s hand.

“I want to stay here in Arizona with Reed. And, I’m in love with him,” Mila answers her sister, her gaze sweeping over all of us. The table is silent. I don’t know how I feel about Mila being in love with an assassin. Reed has always been good to Rogue, and I care about him as an important asset to the team. Being in love with Mila will make him officially part of the family.

“You’ve both thought this through?” Matt asks. I watch him assessing Mila, looking for the same things I am. She doesn’t look like she’s being coerced. She’s dead set on this.

“How does Reed feel?” I ask, trying to keep my eyes and face neutral. I can see the shocked look on Saylor’s face while she tries to process. She’s probably wondering how I could be okay with it. I’m not sure if I am or not, but I trust Reed. I love Mila like a younger sister, and I want her to understand how much impact this side of Rogue will have on her life. We call Reed a ghost for a reason.

“He can speak for himself, but we are thinking the same things,” Mila answers both Matt and me.

“Do we get to speak to him?”

Mila glances at me, “If you promise to be nice. Reed isn’t holding me hostage here. I had to practically beg him to let me stay.”

“How did you manage that, Mi,” Saylor watches her sister, assessing. I can tell she is more reluctant to believe her than we all are.

“I told him the truth,” Mila shrugs, “He knows how I feel about him. He also knows that I do want to be part of Rogue, but in my own way. Our way.”

“Do Rogue your way huh?” I laugh softly, but I don’t really feel the joy, or the sentiment. We are all trying to find our way in Rogue. The whole conversation feels like déjà vu when I talk to Saylor. I can feel her eyes touch on me briefly, as if she’s thinking the same thing.

“Yeah,” Mila glances at me, “I’m Rogue because of you guys. But sitting in a classroom, and not really knowing what I want to do with my life, or how I can turn that into something for Rogue, seemed like a waste of time. I know what I can do. I have a special skill set and mentality. If it’s all in the name of good, then I think it’s the best option for me.”

Just like that, I had a whole new appreciation for Mila. I’m trained to do many things for Rogue, we all are. We see the worst in the world, and it feels like we let the world down when we can’t help someone. I glance around the table and receive nods from Silas and Matt. We all understand Mila, but ultimately Kelly will have the last say about her daughter.

My eyes trail to Saylor and my heart stops when I see how she is watching her sister. She thinks Mila is making a mistake. Is that why she’s refusing to set a date? Why can’t we move in together? I need answers. I want to find a way to work through this before I lose Saylor forever.