Chapter Ten

Saylor

“How does Reed love?” I can’t help the question as it comes out of my mouth. I know Reed isn’t a bad person. He was one of the few people who was nice to me when I first arrived at Savage Lakes. We were friends, he watched out for me, and without me knowing, he kept us all safe in high school. But there were other things I knew also. Reed didn’t feel how most people did. He lacked conscience. He had no feelings when he took a life, and torturing someone for information didn’t make him flinch. He took the on the worst people, and jobs, in order to get information for Rogue. I knew my brother and Ciaran also have taken lives of our enemies . They’ve all had to. Reed was a level ahead of them though. He could stomach it. Nothing he’s seen or witnessed has ever caused him to waver. And this was the guy my little sister was in love with. Was claiming to be just like him.

Mila’s eyes flash at me and I hold my hand up, “I’m not trying to belittle him, or your feelings. I am curious though. He’s never expressed emotion around us. How do you know?”

My mom holds my hand and then reaches over to hold Mila’s as well. The guys had left earlier, and had gone to check on Reed’s shop, leaving just my mom and me with Mila in Reed’s house. My mom found the wine and poured us all a healthy glass. I was thankful that at least we were having this conversation between just us women. I remember earlier in the day, and the awkwardness of feeling Ciaran’s eyes burning holes in my head while Mila talked about knowing her place inside Rogue. I’ve been in Rogue for years now, and I still can’t find my place.

“I can’t explain it,” Mila shakes her head, a ghost of a smile passes her lips. “He isn’t overly affectionate. Sometimes he’ll keep mission details from me. He didn’t come back to the house for three days when he realized I put a tracker on him last time he was in Minnesota. He’s calm when I want to argue. But it works for us. I realized that he might not kiss me every time he walks in the room, but when he wants me, it’s the best love I’ve felt in my life. He hides details because they are the cases usually involving kids, and he knows those are the only cases where I do feel a flicker of something. He was mad about the tracker because he still thinks he isn’t good enough for me. Which is why he also wants to let me win arguments even when I’m being a complete bitch. We just work. It’s small things but it’s how I know he loves me too.”

My eyes tear up because I am so happy for my sister, while I’m also terrified. “You’re going to live so far away from me.”

Mila laughs softly and finally squeezes my hand, “You know you can always visit. And we’ll come home too.”

I turn to my mom who is watching us silently. “Mom, what are you thinking?”

“I want my girls to be happy. I’m sad you didn’t think you could trust us, Mila, but I also understand at the same time. There isn’t a perfect journey of love. As long as Reed makes you happy, I’ll be okay,” She sighs, “I’m terrified you’ll get hurt out here, but that is the risk we all take in this life.”

I think about the nights I spend lying awake worrying about Ciaran. I wait for the call saying that he’s alright, or the call I dread the most, that he’s been seriously hurt, or worse, that he’s dead. I plan, and I ruminate, on all the things that could go wrong so that when he tells me everything is alright. I find it hard to believe him. We’ve been through so much that I keep waiting for the proverbial other shoe to drop. We’re too happy. Things are going too well.

“I’m going to get more wine,” I hear Mila say as she walks away.

My mom is watching me, waiting, as if she knows every detail inside my head. “Say.”

“What if being happy together isn’t enough? I love Ciaran. I know he loves me. He could die though, and I’m scared I would fall apart. Mila, you, Oaklynn…everyone is set in their roles and what they want. I feel like I just started, and it’s not enough.”

“It is enough Saylor. What you are doing for Rogue is exactly what the organization needs. Its why Ciaran and Matt support you so much in your career choice. They see the value in it.” She tells me, squeezing my hand again “Do you want to get married?” She asks.

I sigh, the guilt eating me from the inside, “I do. But I have this vision I can’t explain. The same with the house. Ciaran is in a rush. He hasn’t thought of cost, or what is most beneficial so we aren’t paying with Rogue money. I just, Mom, I…getting married right now just seems like it’s selfish, and I can’t shake this anxiety I have about not being enough to help everyone.”

She’s silent, waiting with me while I process again. I feel like it’s all I ever do these days. My mind is a constant loop of worry, self-sabotage, and doubting that the man I am head-over-heels for will love me, or be around long enough, to love me forever.

“I know this doesn’t make sense, but you can’t dwell on the future and what it holds, Saylor. We will always talk ourselves out of things because you and I, we like to make others happy first. Don’t worry about Rogue. Don’t worry about your dad, me, Mila, or Niko. Be happy. You and Ciaran are smart. You both will figure it out, but sweetie, I don’t think you will ever forgive yourself if you push this away.”

I nod my head even as tears freely fall down my cheeks. I want so much to take my head out of the equation and just listen to my heart. I wish I was as brave as Mila.

We traveled home separately from Arizona. My mom and I wanted more time with Mila before we left. Reed let us, and it felt right. The guys headed back a few days earlier, needing to get back to Rogue. Now, my dad was driving us back into Savage Lakes from the airport and all I could think about was the conversation I needed to have with Ciaran. I had put it off long enough, and he deserved to know how I was feeling before things got too ugly and we couldn’t turn back again.

“Dad, Ciaran said he’d meet me at Rogue. Can you drop me off?” I lean forward and his eyes connect with mine in the rearview.

“Sure, baby girl,” He answers but I sense the hesitancy in his voice. My mom reaches across the seat and gently places her hand on his arm. What she’s reassuring him about I don’t know, but I’m guessing it’s about me. In between grilling Mila and Reed, my mom has been trying her best to help me work through my mental block over Ciaran. It’s been exhausting.

When we pull in, Ciaran is already at his truck, waiting by the passenger side. His arms are crossed, and his head is bowed. Regret pangs in my chest, but I will it to go away. His icy gaze meets mine as soon as I get out of my dad’s truck. Somehow I manage to wave good-bye to my parents and close the gap between him and me.

“Want to take a drive?” I ask him and nod to his truck.

“Sure,” his voice is gruff, but he clears his throat and leads me over to the passenger side, opening my door for me. Once I’m inside and seated he closes the door and strides over to his side.

Ciaran gets in and starts the engine. “Lake?” He asks, and I nod. It’s our place and the only place I could think of that would be good enough for us to have this conversation today.

We don’t talk on the drive over. Everything about Ciaran screams closed off. His face, his eyes, his posture. Normally he’s holding my hand while he drives, or his hand is gripping my knee. Today, I watch while his hands flex on the steering wheel as he takes us to the other side of town, and then off onto a side road. I don’t even realize I’m holding my breath until I see the ripples on the water in the distance. It’s the beginning of October now, and the fall leaves are here, creating a splash of color reflected in the blackness of the water.

Ciaran pulls into our parking spot and I’m happy to find that the area is vacant. No other couples or families are enjoying the views today. We get out and walk to the back of his truck. Ciaran lets the tailgate down and I hop up. He stands, his hands braced against the door.

“You don’t want to sit by me?”

“I’m not really sure why we are out here to have a conversation,” he shrugs, but his words are edgy.

“I just wanted to clear the air. We hadn’t really talked since before Arizona, then while we were there, it wasn’t the time, or the place. I don’t like leaving things like this between us.”

“I don’t know what more you want me to do, Saylor. I love you. I proposed. I want to marry you, and live together. I’m even willing to put a wedding on hold and just live together first, but you aren’t willing to meet me halfway,” His voice cracks, and it takes everything inside me not to reach for him.

“It’s not half way if I give in to everything you want right now, Ci,” I shake my head, “I love you too. I said yes. I just don’t want to rush things, or have this plan that it needs to happen right now. We spend a lot of time apart, Ci. And I know it’s because you’re doing hero things, but it’s still hard. Some days I handle it like a pro, and other days I can’t. Sometimes I question my ability to do these things. We just started making Rogue how we want it, and we have a long way to go. I don’t want to be financially dependent on Rogue to pay for a wedding, or a house. It feels icky.”

“We aren’t though,” Ciaran backs up, his hands running through his hair “Say, you think I bought you a diamond ring with money earned from the death of someone’s loved one? No, I also have thought about this, and set money aside from odd jobs, from the military, from my deployments.”

“Your money,” I remind him. Feeling anger build up in my chest, “It’s your money, Ci. I want to earn my own outside of Rogue.”

“Do it then!” His arms fall wide, “Make your own outside of Rogue, and put it towards the house, or the wedding, and I’ll put mine toward the other. We can make this work, Saylor, but you aren’t trying.”

“I am trying, Ci,” I jump off the tailgate so I’m standing in front of him, letting him see all the vulnerability inside of me, “ Every time I try there is a new mission, new survivors, more work. We barely get time together, let alone time to have a private conversation. There are so many things going on.”

“So what then, Say,” Ciaran’s head bows, his eyes drop to the ground, “Push everything off and keep living this way forever.”

“It’s not forever,” I tell him, “I just need longer. I can’t do it all right now, and still feel like I’m putting my job first, which is what we should be doing.”

I wait, and the seconds pass by brutally slowly. The chill in the air races over my skin, under my sweater, and touches my insides. Everything about this is breaking me, my heart hurts, and even though I am trying to be strong for both of us, I can’t help the frantic voice in the back of my head whispering that this is a mistake.

“What can’t you do?”

“I’m not ready to look for houses. I’m not ready to plan the wedding,” I breathe out.

“We already set a date,” He says, and I flinch at the reminder.

“Dates can be pushed back,” I swallow, “Ciaran, I love you. I love you so much it hurts every time I’m away from you. If anything happened to you, I would never be me again. These past few years of reaching our goal of acquiring Rogue, and then these past few months, have been draining. To see what this life is really going to be like, I want us to be better prepared so that we can handle everything in the future better. I need time.”

I watch the wind blow through his hair. I need him to look me in the eyes. I need him to tell me that time doesn’t matter because in the end, we’ll end up together anyway.

“I’ll take you home,” He finally says, and the defeat in his voice almost brings me to my knees. He won’t meet my eyes. I will myself to be strong though. One day this will be small in comparison to the life we build.

Our drive back into town is quiet. I reach over and grab his hand, clasping it in mine. He holds on, but it isn’t the same way he usually holds me. His jaw clenches the closer we get to my house, and I can tell he wants to say something, but he’s holding back at the same time. We just need the night. A night to process. Ciaran loves me, and I know this will work out. It has to.

“Call me tomorrow?” I ask him, turning to face him in my seat.

“We have tactical training until four, but I can call you after,” He answers, finally turning to look my way. I want to throw up. I’ve never seen Ciaran look like he lost a battle, and I never want to see it again. I lean across the console and grab his face, kissing his lips with all the feeling inside of me. His lips soften beneath mine while he finally kisses me back. This isn’t our end, and I want him to understand with my actions what I can’t put into words. Ciaran will always and forever be my heart.