Chapter Twenty

Saylor

It’s been three days since Ciaran was in my new home and kissed me. Three days since my heart felt whole for the couple of minutes his lips touched mine. It felt right to be in his arms, and to share the mundane task of him helping me fix my security. Once he left, the air turned cold, and the harsh reality of our situation settled in again. I had hope for the first time in months, and it shattered the minute he walked out my door. I fought the urge to call him back, to demand we find a way to fix things right then. I would have if I hadn’t seen the look in his eyes when he talked about the issues Rogue is facing. I’m not included in the more dangerous information about their mission, but I am aware of the toll its taking on my friends and family. Ciaran confirmed with his actions that we are once again on rocky ground. So I held back, refusing to put more demands on him, and pressure about us, when I know that Rogue needs his full attention. The best thing I can do right now is be supportive and his soft place to land when he needs me. After this is over I plan to tell him exactly how I feel, but not until this last threat is behind us.

I just can’t kiss him anymore. I can’t let myself get swept up in him and make myself miserable when he leaves. Now isn’t the time. I get it. I just can’t help wishing that it were. Anger sparks to life in my chest. Confusion rocks my soul. It was only three days ago, and I miss him. In all honesty I have been missing him. We can’t go back to how we were, and there is a chasm of misunderstanding and wrong conclusions between us. I’m ready to jump into the mess and fix things with Ciaran. Maybe him leaving again wouldn’t feel so bad if he hadn’t touched me. If his hands hadn’t held my body, and our lips never touched. I’m almost mad at him for putting that spark inside of me. He has always been able to make me feel alive, and I lost sight of that while worrying about the future.

I should ignore it, stomp it down and wait until its time. But I can’t. My body is screaming for him, my heart calling his name and even my mind has turned on me, berating myself for letting things get this far. I’m angry at him for putting that hope inside of me while also so unbelievably happy that I even had a moment of his time. It’s selfish of me for wanting his time right now, but if there’s one thing I’ve learned from all of this, it’s that time isn’t guaranteed. Things can change in an instant. I’ll never forgive myself for the time we’ve wasted. It will always be one of my worst memories that I almost lost Ciaran, and that when he was hurt he believed I had given up on him.

I can’t take it anymore. I need to make some of this right. I just need him to know I’m fighting still. Before I can talk myself out of it, I’m outside his front door. My hand lifts and I wait for him to pull the door open. The locks disengage, and the look of surprise on his face would be comical if I wasn’t so nervous.

“Say? What are you doing here?”

Taking a deep breath, I force my eyes to meet his frosty ones. “You kissed me.”

Color dances along his cheekbones and he looks away, his jaw clenching slightly. “I know. I’m—”

“Don’t even say you’re sorry, or you wish you could take it back, Ciaran Jakobe,” I glare at him and his words halt. “I didn’t come here for that, or because I want some type of closure. I just came here to tell you that it was three days ago and all I can think about is you.”

His eyes widen, and once again I’ve surprised him. My lips tilt up in a smile and I step closer. My chest barely grazes his, close enough that his body warmth surrounds me and I can smell the faint scent of his body wash.

“I wanted you to kiss me. I wanted your hands on my body, I wanted every part of you touching me, reminding me of how good we are together. My heart felt complete for the first time in months, and I want more. I just thought you should know.”

“Saylor,” Ciaran’s voice hitches and panic flashes in his eyes briefly before the emptiness I’ve grown used to seeing replaces it. “I won’t say I regret it, I just…I’m not sure what we’re doing. I need to stay focused.”

Even though I knew it was coming, and had prepared for this, knowing the state Rogue is in, his words still sting a little. But my resolve to be stronger than the hurt he is trying to push between us is still there. “Having your lips on mine only proved to me that we’re meant to be together, Ciaran. I knew it when I was seventeen, and I still know it now. I’ll always be yours. I’m not asking you to decide now. I know your full attention is on Rogue and this mission, and that’s how it should be. While you’re gone though, just remember me. Remember that I’m here, and that I want you. I need you to breathe. I need to hear that you love me, and I need to feel your body on mine, your cock inside of me, deep, and hitting those places only you know. I can’t wait to have your lips on mine, on my pussy, stroking my clit until you drive me wild. Mostly I need your heart, your trust, and you showing me that you’re mine too.”

Ciaran groans, deep in his chest, his body tensing. He’s breathing hard when I step back, his eyes flash with heat, and with something other than indifference. Before he can react, my lips press against his jaw, right on the flexing of his muscle. His hands reach out, and I move back. “I love you, Ci.”

“Saylor, you can’t just say those things and leave. Everything is so fucked up right now, and I don’t know what’s going to happen. I’ve only ever wanted you, and you ripped my heart out.” His voice sounds gravelly and his eyes shine with emotion.

My heart squeezes painfully in my chest. “I’m sorry. The worst thing I’ve ever done is let you think that I didn’t want you, or that I would leave you.”

Anger flares in his eyes. He looks past me, his head dropping his chin to his chest. “I can’t. I don’t know how to do this right now.”

“I’m not expecting anything right now,” I tell him, shrugging and smiling when he looks up at me again, confused. “I just wanted to remind you what you have to come home to. When Rogue wins, and you kick the bad guy’s ass, I’ll be here. Just come home to me.”