Chapter Nineteen

Ciaran

The summer is storming past, and we’re not making the progress I wish we had been. We managed to bounce back from the cyber-attack, but it was close. Too close. If Mila and Reed hadn’t already been looking for a threat, I’m not sure we would have survived. The feeling of dread is constant in my stomach, and the air around us is thick with danger. It feels eerily like that summer and fall years ago when the only way out was to flatten the town with a tornado conspiracy. Back then, it had been the only way to take out our enemies while also keeping ourselves, and targets, safe. My last option is to pull another Hail-Mary. It would be catastrophic, and we all agreed it’s only for dire emergencies. The only problem is that this is starting to feel like an emergency.

Something about the case we have with New York and Ghost Operatives feels off. The information that we have found has been helpful, but I can’t let go of this feeling of impending doom. There’s a heaviness in the air, each decision we make is life or death, instead of with careful precision. I go to sleep at night restless. Silas has convinced me to take a few weeks at home, to clear my head, then come back refreshed. I need to trust my brothers, my best friends, with the business they are also dedicated to. My body is screaming for the break; it’s just my head that won’t stop.

I also can’t stand being back here when I know Saylor is so close by. It takes all my physical energy not to run over to her house and beg her to give me anything. Our last meeting is burned into my memories. The way she was trying to reach out to me, but I was too scared and too hurt to take even the tiniest of steps towards her. Instead of some line about space and figuring out shit out separately, I should have wrapped her in my arms and taken any piece of herself she would give me. I’m a selfish bastard though. I don’t want pieces of Saylor, I want all of her. I want her to be mine, and for Rogue to be ours. I want to be her peace and safe place like always, yet each mission this past year has only tried to prove me wrong. I refuse to bring her closer if she’ll get hurt, but I’m dying without her. Leaving for months at a time isn’t helping. Drowning my worries in the work isn’t making things more stable. Rogue is on the precipice of something huge. I can feel the energy humming under my skin. I just don’t know what it is.

After getting out of the shower, I’m drying off when my phone vibrates with an incoming text message.

SILAS: You busy?

I quickly type him back, my heart hammering my chest.

ME: No. What’s up?

The dots dance and fade, and it’s the longest two minutes of my life waiting for his message to come through.

SILAS: I hate to ask. My dad and Matt are still up north, and there was a trip on the security system at Saylor’s new place. Think you could just check it out? She won’t be there. She’s out with the girls.

My heart races and plummets, taking my stomach on a nosedive with it.

ME: New place?

SILAS: Yeah. Sorry. I didn’t think you’d want to know. She has a small duplex in town by the garage. You know the building.

Fuck yeah I know the place. It was one space we had talked about renting until we found our forever home. It was swept up before we even got the chance to look at it, and we figured that was our sign to just look for the house. All the information rushes back to me, but my heart is still hammering. Saylor has a new place. She moved out of her parents’, and it was without me. It shouldn’t matter. The thought shouldn’t make me so angry, but it does.

ME: I’m on my way over.

I quickly respond and throw my phone to the bed while I finish dressing. Two blocks. Saylor’s new place is two blocks from my newly rented apartment. I bet if I looked out my back window I could see the side of her building. She’s this close, and I had no idea. She moved into a new place that I didn’t sweep for her, where I didn’t install her security features, where I didn’t help carry in heavy boxes. It’s probably why her security system is tripping right now. Anger fuels me along with a feeling of regret. Saylor moved out on her own. She finally made the choice for herself, and maybe if I’d have answered her call, or talked to her, would things be different?

The main light is on in her entry way when I finally get there and I make out her silhouette in the window. I didn’t think she would be home. I knock on her door and wait while I hear a flurry of movement. When Saylor does open the door she’s on the phone.

“He just got here, Si. Okay,” She waves me in and mouths sorry to me. “Yup, bye.”

She hangs up and her hands instantly clasp together. I can read the hesitancy on her face and the way she holds herself. She isn’t sure she wants me in her new space.

“I’m so sorry you had to come over. I really thought I fixed it on my own.”

Toeing off my shoes, I let my eyes travel over the girl who still holds my heart after months of being apart. Her legs are encased in black leggings that glide over all her curves, and a gray sweatshirt, I recognize immediately as one of mine, hangs loosely on her frame, exposing one of her shoulders. She doesn’t look ready to go out for a girls night.

“You haven’t lived here long?”

“A couple weeks,” She nods and moves further into the house. I follow behind her to her living room area where the box of her security stuff sits. “I had it all hooked up, but Silas insisted on sending new things.”

My eyes wander around the room, taking in her wall of family pictures, the burning candle on the coffee table, and the large couch. The television is currently on a random chair, and a box of what looks to be a television stand sits next to it, unopened.

“Bring me your old stuff and I’ll see what’s needed,” I manage to say around the dry emotion in my throat. Saylor pads upstairs, her stocking covered feet barely making noise across the wood floors. With her gone, I take in everything. Boxes still in piles with only necessities unpacked. Shelves, and other objects in boxes, that I should have been here to help her set up. If this had been our place, I would have made sure of it.

“Here,” Saylor is suddenly in front of me again and handing me the small rectangular device that is common in our Rogue homes. Except this one is wired all wrong.

“You were close,” I tell her, shooting her the first real smile I’ve felt on my lips in months.

She laughs gently, and her cheeks flush the sweetest pink. I miss that blush. I hate that I don’t see it as much as I could have. “I tried. Don’t tell my dad or Silas, please.”

“Not a chance,” I chuckle with her, ignoring the way my heart twists painfully. Fuck I miss her. I miss us. “I’ll get it done quick if you need to leave.”

Her eyes widen before her lips clamp shut. “Ah, no. I decided to stay in. Long day.”

She shifts on her feet uncomfortably, probably not wanting me to be here. Despite our history, I am her ex-boyfriend. I take the device from her hands and sit down to start working with it at the small kitchen table she has. Saylor goes to the fridge and grabs a water bottle before heading to the couch. She turns on one of the reality tv shows she likes, and the silence that fills the air is comforting. Like this is how life should always be. The anger and the hurt I’ve been holding down for months threatens to bubble to the surface. I wanted this life with her. All I had pictured for us was nights like these where we are at home doing regular domestic things while Rogue sits in the background. It is not lost on me that since I entered the house, my worry and anxiousness around the mission that is waiting for me, has decreased. Having Saylor with me always brought me a sense of calm in the chaos we lived in.

My fingers fumble over one of the wires and the device almost slips. Saylor glances at me, her brow raised.

“Everything okay?”

“Yeah,” I manage to mumble out. She doesn’t deserve the anger I feel. But it’s hard to hold all of it on my own. “So what made you decide to finally move?”

My words carry more bite than I intended, and judging by the slight hurt in her eyes, she feels it. Saylor glances down at her hands before muting the tv.

“You, actually.”

I didn’t expect that, and suddenly my mouth feels dry. “Me?”

She nods. “You moved out of Matt’s on your own. After you left again, I realized you were right. What was I staying at my parents’ for, besides making my mom happy? But they didn’t need me there.”

Her words are soft, but I feel each one like a bullet. Me moving gave her the courage to also do the same, just not until it was too late. My chest tightens and my jaw clenches with the strength of emotion I’m feeling.

“Ci,” She gets up and moves closer to me. I feel my heart beat harder with every step she takes. Her fingers clutch the ends of her sweatshirt and she bites her bottom lip. That alone makes me want to drop to my knees for her. “That’s only part of the truth.”

My eyes jump to hers and I see the slight shimmer of tears in her eyes. “What’s the other part?”

“I did decide it was time to leave my parents. But I also wanted to show you that I was ready for you. I know you don’t want me right now, Ci, but I’m here. I’m not giving up on us.”

My entire body hums with pain and confusion, and I can’t stop the way my hands reach for her. The small whimper of her answering pain, that matches mine, escapes her mouth and snaps what is left of the control I had been holding on to. I know it isn’t right. I know we have so many things to talk about and to work on, but I can’t stop myself from taking what we both need.

My hand bands around her waist, bringing her body into mine. The minute her curves fit against my harder planes, I’m lost. My hand fists the back of her hair and our lips meet in a soul consuming kiss. I feel like my body is finally taking what it needs after months of starving for the woman who makes me whole. Saylor moans into our kiss and I pull her closer to me. Her hands run over my shoulders, down my back, trailing heat in their wake. This kiss, this moment, is bringing me back to life. I need her. Just her. If only things were easier.

Regretfully, I pull back, my eyes taking in her closed lids, the deep blush covering her cheeks and trailing down her neck, the way her chest rises and falls for me. I’ve been stabbed, and taken a bullet, but that pain is nothing like taking my hands off of Saylor. Her eyes open, slowly, as if waking from a dream.

“Ci–”

“I’m not sorry. I shouldn’t have though,” the words are hard coming from my mouth.

Her head shakes and she reaches out to touch me. “I wanted it. I want you. Please tell me how we can fix this.”

The brokenness in her voice tears my soul. I wish it were that simple. I wish I hadn’t hurt her by being me. With everything going on right now it’s even more unsafe for those closest to us. Rogue is on the brink of danger. Keeping Saylor safe, and far away from the situation in New York, is a top priority. Maybe though, maybe when it’s all over, there will be a way for us to figure our shit out.

Taking another step back, I hold her hands in one of mine, squeezing gently. “I’m heading back soon. This whole thing is still a mess, and it’s dangerous. I don’t want to promise anything when I’m not sure what the future holds.”

Her eyes bounce around mine. “Are you telling me you don’t think you’ll come back?”

“I can’t promise you I will. And I never want to break a promise to you, Say,” I manage to get out, without my voice breaking.

Her breath stutters and tears fill her eyes. Saylor glances around her space before shaking her head. “So don’t promise me. Tell me the truth, and I’ll hold onto your heart until you come back. I’ll keep our dreams safe.”

Fuck she’s killing me. Everything in my body screams to give in. “And what if I can’t Saylor? We tried that, and I got hurt. It’s not like we haven’t done everything we could to make things work. We tried. It didn’t work, and we’re still stuck at the fact that I don’t want to hurt you.” My voice raises, and the anger and frustration that has been holding my chest in a vise grip, threatens to explode.

“Your system is fixed. Tell Silas that he needs to reset the password and it should run. I have to go,” I tell her, avoiding her gaze, and her pull on my hands. I need to escape before I can’t be strong enough for the both of us. My hand reaches for the door when I feel her arms wrap around my chest behind me.

“I love you, Ciaran. I will always wait for you.”

My vision blurs with hot angry tears. How many times has she uttered those words to me since I broke her heart? And each time I have to pull away from her when all I want is to sink to my knees and worship her. Even now, I swallow down the painful lump of emotion and let my body soak up the feel of hers one last time. It’s a dick move, but I walk out of her embrace, and out the door. I hear the finality of the click and then the lock behind me. A hollowness fills my chest. It’s agony. I realize this is a small taste of what my life will be like without her in it. It’s better though than the fear and heartbreak in her eyes from that day at the lake. If Rogue isn’t safe, neither is Saylor, or our families. My resolve strengthens the further I get from her even while my heart feels like it’s dying inside of me.