Chapter Eighteen

Saylor

The lot at Rogue still looks empty when I drive past after work. Ciaran hadn’t been joking when he said how messy their next case was going to be. Off and on, different members of my family, and our Rogue family, have been sent to the outskirts of New York City. Always under the cover of nightfall, and always without anyone knowing. There have been attacks made against them at their posts, a cyber war against our security that took Reed by surprise. It was unexpected, and in the end, it gave us more information than we had previously. At least there have not been any physical attacks where fatalities could happen.

Whoever we were up against, they knew enough about Rogue to be dangerous. I chose not to know more, but rather spend my time building confidence in the targets here. I was proud of Ciaran, my brother, and Kai for their work, and the fight that Rogue was showing. For the first time in months I didn’t have the strangling feeling of despair wrapped around my neck. I just wish I had found this peace before things with Ciaran went so horribly wrong. In the face of the danger we were up against, I finally found the courage to continue fighting for myself, Ciaran, and our future. Because a future without him was something I couldn’t imagine.

I pulled my car in front of Matt’s home. He was still with my dad while they worked on the back end of things for Rogue here. But the little blue car in the driveway was the guest I had been meaning to talk to. Molly, Ciaran’s mom, was home after being gone almost a year. She had reached out when she heard the news about mine and Ciaran’s break up, and when I heard she was home I asked if we could talk.

Before I’m even out of my car, she’s bustling down the front steps, tears in her eyes, a small smile, and her arms open. I’m instantly reminded of the first time I ever saw her. The night I first came to Rogue, Molly and Matt arrived to help my mom, Mila and me. I remember watching her try to fix and help my mom after the condition she was left in by the men who broke into our home.

Wrapping my arms around Molly, I take a moment to breathe, and give her an extra squeeze for her son who is far away.

“You look beautiful as ever,” She tells me, pulling back and framing my face with her hands. “And glowing? Have you been tanning?”

My shoulders shrug. “I, ah, I took up hiking, actually. There’s a really nice area more on the north-east side of town. It helps clear my head from everything.”

She smiles at me knowingly, silently nodding when I can’t continue, or I know I’ll think about him and then the water works will start.

“Thank you for inviting me over,” my voice cracks with emotion.

Molly shakes her head, and takes my hand in hers while we walk to the house. “You know you’re always welcome here.”

I do know that. Even though Ciaran has moved out now, I can’t help but still think of this as his home. I’ve been scared to hurt him more by stepping into his space, and haven’t been back since the day he packed up. He needed to move and take steps forward. I’m happy for him even though my heart aches for the two kids we were when we fell in love here, under the same roof.

We settle in the kitchen and Molly pours us each a glass of wine before grabbing a tray of snacks from the fridge.

“He moved out,” She finally says, and her eyes fill with tears again. “It’s not the same being home when he’s not here.”

“I was here the day before he left. He’d been wanting to leave for a while. I don’t think it’s just about you and me, but about Matt having the space for his family as well,” I share with her, hoping it makes her feel somewhat better.

Molly sighs and sips from her wine. “I let this place become his home instead of trying to provide him a place of our own. It was my fault. Matt always provided him the stability I just couldn’t.”

“Is that because of Ciaran’s dad?” I ask. “I don’t want to pry. I’m just trying to understand him. I let him down. I told him I was scared, and it destroyed us.”

“Oh honey,” Molly breathes out, shaking her head. “It isn’t you. I was a mess when Ciaran’s dad left us. He wasn’t sure about Rogue, but he wanted to try. I wasn’t around as much, and he floundered. We didn’t communicate for him to share his worries, or for me to understand why he was resentful of my time away. Then, when he left, I didn’t handle it well. I felt responsible, but too prideful to beg him to stay. Eventually, I was too ashamed to be here where my relationship failed.”

“Why was he unsure about Rogue?” I ask, my hand reaching across the island and squeezing hers.

Molly inhales and lets out a watery exhale. “He had been in the military. He was worried about the dangers I was facing, and that I couldn’t tell him everything. It fed some of his own paranoia, and made him feel inadequate that I didn’t need him to protect me. In return I didn’t take the time to reassure him that I didn’t need protection. I just needed a partner to be there. That all I ever wanted from him was for him to just be my safe space when I came home.”

“He felt like he didn’t have a purpose,” I surmise from her story. Molly snorts a small laugh and takes another drink of wine.

“Being a caregiver and watching our baby wasn’t a great enough purpose for him. I get it. It isn’t for everyone. But he never told me. He never shared his need for more, or to find more to do. I think I would have understood. No, I would have understood. I would have fought for him to find his calling here. Like you, like Lux, like all the targets who come here and decide to stay. But he said nothing. He sat alone and let us die, without fighting at all.”

“I told Ciaran I wanted time before we planned our wedding and bought a house. I was scared about losing myself, and depending on Rogue,” I confide in her, while tears roll down my cheeks. “Then he got hurt and it didn’t matter anymore. I only wanted him. But it was already too late.”

“I don’t believe that,” She shakes her head. “It’s never too late to fight for each other. I’ve seen the way my son looks at you Saylor. He loves you. He always has.”

“I want to fight for him,” I respond, wiping my eyes. “I just don’t know if it’s what he wants anymore.”

Molly grabs some crackers and cheese, her gaze zoning out. “Ciaran has his own fears that he needs to look at. Not having his dad around, and not knowing firsthand how his dad felt, hurt him growing up. Even though my family gave him all the love we could, I think he felt something was missing. Ciaran and the guys have been wonderful for the future of Rogue, don’t get me wrong, I’m proud of him. I just can’t help thinking they have used Rogue to cope in a certain way. Anyhow, I think he’s using this time, and this mission, to put distance between you both so it doesn’t hurt him. In my heart I know my son doesn’t want to hurt you, Saylor. He’d rather hurt himself by giving you the opportunity to grow to hate him.”

“I love him.”

“Then take this time to show him by being here. Ciaran’s worst fear is you leaving. Be the home he can come back to, Say.” She adds gently.

We finish up our wine, and Molly tells me stories of her latest cases. The sun has completely set before I finally head home. For once, the drive back doesn’t bring me the peace it usually does. I can’t help but feel empty knowing my phone has no texts from Ciaran. Talking about him all night was a soothing balm to my soul while also stirring the embers in the fire. It lit me up, thinking about him, growing to understand where his worries stem from. For the first time in a long while, I have a direction, and slowly, a plan is starting to form. First, I have a major change I need to make.

My eyes take in the house that I’ve spent the last couple years living in. Our baby brother was born, Silas left, Mila left, and I’m still here. I told myself I stayed to adjust to knowing Silas and my father. Then I stayed to see my younger brother growing up. And lately it’s been to keep an eye on my mom. She was a wreck when Mila left, and I didn’t want to make it seem like I was abandoning her. All of these reasons for staying here were for others, to make others happy, or to care for them.

I know my mom would never ask me to leave. After our history, she always wants her kids close. They don’t need me here every day though. I’m barely home as it is. Between work in town, and the extra services through a private agency for my own side money, I’m mostly here to eat and sleep. Yet, I’ve been putting off leaving this home, and now I’m starting to understand why. I’ve been scared. I’ve frozen myself in time so that I don’t have to fully push myself into the life I carved in Rogue. Ciaran had been right. And he had been waiting patiently for me to be ready. Ready to leave, ready to live with him, ready to start our lives together.

By the time my hand reaches for the door, I feel my resolve click in. I want my own place. I’m ready to be on my own while I navigate my next steps, and plan for how I’m going to prove to Ciaran that we’re meant to be together. I’m going to use the time that he’s gone saving the world, to piece myself together. Using the space he thinks I need, I’m going to plan and plot the future I’m not willing to give up. The future Ciaran and I dreamed of together. And when he’s done, and when he comes home, I’ll still be here. I just hope he wants me.

“Oh, Saylor,” My mom peeks her head around the corner of the entryway, “I didn’t see your car pull in. Dinner is almost ready.”

“Perfect,” I respond, and follow her into the kitchen. Niko is sitting at the island counter with his crayons and a coloring book out. Our Mom quickly stirs some sauce around in a pan. I’ve seen this sight so many times, and while it fills my heart with warmth, I can still feel the missing part of my soul. My hands nervously go to my hips.

“Mom,” I call her gently and her eyes lift to mine. The slight curved smile on her lips slowly slides off when she studies me.

“Saylor? Is everything alright?”

I nod and exhale. “I just wanted to talk to you about something, and well, I’m hoping maybe you can help me?”

Her brow rises and she turns the burner down to a simmer. “Anytime, you know that, honey.”

I bite my lip, wondering why it feels like I’m asking to do something huge when really it’s a normal step for most people my age. “I’ve been thinking about it, and I want to look for my own place to live.”

The spoon in my mom’s hand clatters to the counter, and the red sauce on it splatters the counter. Niko lifts his head and laughs. Mom’s eyes shoot to him and she shakes her head. I’m about to say more when the door opens again, and this time my dad walks in. His presence in the kitchen is welcome, considering I think I broke my mom.

“Why is everyone so serious?” He looks between us, the smile on his lips forming into a sense of worry.

“Saylor just announced that she wants to look for her own place,” Mom answers, beating me to it.

“I think it’s a great idea,” My dad shrugs and ruffles Niko’s hair with his hand. They share a smile. My mom huffs, and wipes under her eyes. “Kell, she’s an adult.”

“I know, I know,” She cries a little and her watery gaze finds me. My whole chest aches, and the fear of the unknown is starting to crush me. “Oh, Saylor,” She whispers and darts around the counter to wrap me up in a hug.

My body sags into her, needing comfort. “Are you really angry?”

“No,” She leans back, wiping my tears and then her own. “No, I’m not mad. Your dad is right, you are an adult. I just… it’s hard to let go. I had to leave you when you were a teen, and then with everything that happened here, I felt like I lost so much time. I didn’t think you’d live here forever, obviously, when you were getting married, but I just...”

My dad chuckles, “What she’s trying to say is she’s struggling to let go. She had no choice with Mila, and Mila is now hundreds of miles away. She’d keep you all here forever if she could.”

A small laugh escapes me and I hug her this time. “I love you guys. I think it’s time I stand on my own two feet.”

Both my parents nod, and silently communicate with each other. Things must be fine though, because she goes back to cooking, and my dad sits down by Niko.

“Saylor, if you aren’t busy this weekend, I can help you start looking,” Dad offers.

I take a deep breath and welcome the excitement as it claws its way up my chest. “I would really like that.”

He nods and we all go on asking Niko about his school day while my mom finishes up dinner. This feels right. There is not an ounce of regret in my decision. My fingers reach for my phone to tell Ciaran before remembering I shouldn’t. I’ll keep giving him time. When he comes home, hopefully I can show him how serious I am about our future.