Chapter Thirteen

Saylor

The voices in the room lower, and all I can hear is my own breathing and the blood rushing in my ears. The box in my hand drops from my grasp and tears sting my eyes. Everything hurts, and at the same time my body, my heart, feels numb. The same way I’ve felt since Ciaran broke up with me in the hospital.

To say our friends and family were shocked was an understatement. My mom instantly wanted to comfort me by removing all the wedding planning booklets and bridal magazines from the house. Oaklynn stayed with me for a week straight, hugging me while I fell asleep crying into my pillow. Lux flew home as soon as she could once Silas told her. We’ve had a few girls’ days since then as well. Even though my family is there for me, I can still tell that they tip-toe around me like I’m made of glass. No one pushes me to talk or explain. I wasn’t sure what Ciaran had told them, or if he explained the truth to them at all. I was to blame for this.

Christmas and New Years were the worst. It was as if our family didn’t know how to celebrate, or what was appropriate. My immediate family spent the days together, Ciaran and Matt stayed at their house. Oaklynn, Kai, Lux and Silas bounced between us all. It was awkward and horrible.

No one believed us at first. I didn’t believe it at first. Now, here I was a month later, numb, shattered, my heart in chaos, with a venue booked and my fiancé broke off our engagement. Ciaran and I weren’t talking. When he was discharged from hospital he asked that I not come over when I offered. I didn’t realize until then how much it pained me not to be able to see him every day because he didn’t want it. He didn’t want me. It turns out my greatest fear was having Ciaran here, living, but not loving me.

“Say,” Oaklynn says my name gently, her eyes still glued to the small, glass ornament in my hands. When I had ordered it on that day, my plan was to give it to Ciaran for our future tree, in our future house. The one the listing closed for, and another happy couple moved into. The one I had picked on my own and had wanted to surprise Ciaran with. I had wanted him to see that I was in this with him. That I was trying and ready to meet him where he had been waiting for me, steadily, for months.

“I..” my voice trails off and I swallow the emotion that is stuck in my throat. “It’s nothing.”

Oaklynn watched me, her eyes assessing every move I make. Carefully I bend over and pick up the box and place the ornament back inside and seal it up. I cradle it in my arms, and will more tears not to come.

“Are you sure this is what you want,” Oaklynn quietly asks me.

My heart burns in my chest. This is not at all what I wanted. I pushed so hard for things to slow down because of my fears. One of which came true. Ciaran was shot in the field and was hospitalized. I will forever remember the way that felt when I learned what happened. In the past I would have felt validated for my concerns, but not that day. All I wanted to do was get closer to him, promise him I was never leaving, and I only wanted him for the rest of my life.

I glance at my best friend and feel the heartbreak hit me all over again. I can’t even make myself happy for the holidays because all I want is him. I shake my head. “No.”

Oaklynn huffs and crosses her arms over her chest, she eyes me warily, “Then you both need to sit your stubborn asses down and talk.”

“It’s not that simple,” I tell her, my eyes straying over to my family who are still looking on. Some of them can’t look at me, and others are holding back their own emotions. My mom meets my tearful gaze with her own. Her hand held tightly in my dad’s. Without a word I head up to my room and tuck the package safely in my dresser.

“What is happening?” Oaklynn asks from my doorway. She shuts it behind her and the mumbling of everyone else continues on downstairs.

“I pushed him into it,” I break and fall back on my bed, curling up. The sob in my chest makes my whole body shake and everything just hurts.

“I don’t understand,” She sits next to me, and runs her hand up and down my arm, soothingly.

“Before they left in October I went with Ciaran to our spot and we had a fight. I told him I wasn’t ready yet, that I just wanted some more time. I told him I wanted to see how things in Rogue go for us now that all these changes have been made. I made him feel that I didn’t want him if he was in Rogue. And then he got shot and…now he doesn’t want to be together at all. He said if I stayed with him I would grow to hate him for constantly being at risk and leaving for their missions.”

Oaklynn’s face screws up, “Haven’t we always known that? I thought we already established that yes, the biggest risk of all was loving them when they could literally die anytime they go out.”

My lungs shutter from my ragged breathing, “I know. I knew that. I chose this, to be with him.”

“I’m so confused, Say.” Oaklynn admits and takes my hand in hers, “I knew you were wanting to find your place, and find balance before the wedding. I guess I didn’t think you were second guessing your whole life here.”

“It sounds so stupid, right? I knew what being Rogue meant. I love Ciaran though, so I wanted it. Then it was like the closer we kept pushing to more happiness, the more scared I got that it wouldn’t work out, and I’d lose him. I don’t know what to do,” I cry and cry and my best friend stays with me, eventually laying down next to me and wrapping her arms around my shoulders.

“You guys really need to talk,” Oaklynn whispers against my head and I cry harder. I don’t know how to face him. It breaks my heart more knowing he doesn’t even want to talk to me. “I love you, Say. Your family loves you too. We’re all here for you. You’re my priority whatever that looks like. Kai is torn right now, and so is your brother. I’m not saying you and Ciaran need to fix your shit for us. If you don’t want it anymore, it’s okay. But if you really want him still, and you know he’s probably pining over you too, then you both owe it to yourselves to sit down and talk.”

“I tried to talk to him. He said not to come over,” I mumble into her shirt, and wiped my hand over my eyes.”

Her brow jumps up, “And since when has my best friend backed down so easily? Of course he said that. The guy probably is as lost as you are. You need to go to him, and not give him a choice.”

I sigh knowing she’s right, and for the first time since I left his hospital room I feel an ember of fight flicker to life inside me. “I know. I’m going to. I need to get through the rest of this holiday for my parents first.”

“Honey, I think your parents would understand,” She chuckles lightly.

“Probably. My mom has been on eggshells the past few weeks.”

“We all just love you. We love you both,” Oaklynn responds with another squeeze of her arms around me.

She’s right. My parents are so nervous for me right now, along with everyone else. I never wanted to create a divide in Rogue, and that is what I’m scared is happening. That I caused it. Whether or not Ciaran and I can fix our relationship needs to be separate from the work we do, just as it always has been. Which means I need to get up. I need to wash my face and enjoy the holidays with my family. Once we go back to everyday life, I need to be able to concentrate on work, and work well with Ciaran and Rogue. Maybe by doing this I can show him that I was wrong. I can prove him right; that we do work. We do make sense. And I would give up a normal life all over again in order to be with him and to be in Rogue. I’m not giving up my happiness with Ciaran. I refuse to back down. Ciaran Jakobe better be prepared because I still intend to marry him this year.