Chapter Twelve

Saylor

The first snowfall always makes the world quiet. Peaceful. Hopeful. I wrap my blanket tighter around my shoulders and watch the huge, fluffy, white flakes dust over the ground. It’s only the first snow of the year, and I doubt all of it will stick, but I wish it would. While some find the snow dangerous, or annoying, signaling the death of summer and fall, I find it beautiful. A sign that we keep going, and when the snow melts everything will come to life again.

“Beautiful, isn’t it,” My dad asks, and I glance over my shoulder right as he steps out the door. He’s wearing a jacket, his hands wrapped around a steaming mug of coffee.

I nod my head in answer, “Mom send you out here?”

He shrugs, unable to lie to me. Ever since I accepted Jason as my actual father, our bond has been strong. He wanted to make up for lost time, giving me more love than I could ever imagine. He’s also apologized a thousand times, and berated himself for not being a better man. I don’t think he needs to try, he is a good man, and a great father.

“She’s just worried. It’s been an adjustment without Mila around, and now the guys have been gone for so long without communication,” His voice is gruff, almost as if this conversation is too touchy-feely for him.

I smile, “I’m okay, dad. I promise.”

“Okay,” he nods and wraps an arm around my shoulders, before handing me the mug of coffee. “They come home tomorrow.”

My shoulders sag a little. Things between Ciaran and I haven’t been the best since our night at the lake two months ago. When we left that night I thought we would have time for me to show him what I meant. That things weren’t changing, and we were moving forward, but slower, at a pace I could handle. We never got the chance. A few days later he was sent on a red level mission. I knew this meant training, odd hours, and a level of secrecy that limited our communication. We barely talked for a month. A few texts here and there, but he didn’t call, which I guess can be expected. It’s now been two weeks since the mission ended. They had their debrief in the field, and were heading home. In a few more weeks, around twenty new targets would be moving into various homes.

“I still can’t believe that a couple, an actual married couple, were taking men and selling parts on the black-market. What has been up with all these missions this year?”

My dad chuckles, “There is never an answer. People do horrible things. Reed just happens to be on this circuit right now I guess.”

“I guess,” I huff and shake my head. “Dad, can I ask you something?”

He glances over at me, a reassuring smile on his lips, “Anytime, Say. You know that.”

I do know that. He would do anything for me. Listen to all my problems over and over again, and offer advice when he can. “How did you know you wanted to be part of Rogue? All the stories I heard, it was Matt’s family’s business. Then mom and you came along, and suddenly there was the brainchild to make Rogue. But mostly it sounds like Matt and Mom were all about it, and you got sucked in.”

This makes him laugh, a deep, throaty chuckle. He points at the chairs for us to sit in. I follow him over and we sit. He drags a hand over his face, his eyes lighting up with memories. “They did drag me into it. But I would have chosen Rogue over and over again. My parents were already helping in the business before their marriage crumbled, and well, you know the story. But Matt and Kelly’s vision was something I could really see the benefit in. Matt’s dad and grandfather did the best they could, but technology was changing, the military was changing, and the bad guys were adapting faster than we were. I always believed in the family business. But listening to your mom and Matt talk about the future…it was too good not to be part of.”

I understand the feeling. It has been the same feeling I have carried in my heart since I first arrived at Matt’s doorstep when I was seventeen. I had a crash course learning about Rogue, but even then I could see all the good they were doing in the world. It opened my eyes to many dark and disturbing things too. But the good they were doing outweighed the bad. It’s part of the reason why I stayed. I wanted to help, I wanted to pay it forward. I want to make a difference in the lives of kids and families just like me. The memory of our conversation from when I wanted to stay plays in my head.

I grabbed his hand. “Can we work on it at least? I want you to trust me like I trust you, Ci. I trust Rogue, and I’m serious about joining, once Matt lets me.”

“I don’t want to lose you, Say.” His jaw clenched, and his eyes bore into mine, until I felt his love for me reaching my soul and wrapping around it. “I’m nervous you’ll change your mind. I’m more freaked out that you’ll get hurt, and I won’t be here.”

“I know you’d never let anything happen to me.”

“But it destroyed you and mom,” My eyes fill with tears while I choke out the words. I can’t hide my fears from him.

He sighs, and I can tell it’s hard for him. “Rogue didn’t destroy us. Fate didn’t destroy us. I made a mistake because I felt undeserving of your mom and Rogue. It sucked, Say. It hurt. It was the most painful part of my life. I regret the pain, and time, I put us through, but I wouldn’t change it. I have Silas. I have you. And eventually Kelly and I found our way back together. You can’t predict how life is going to go, Say. At some point you just need to let go and live. If you love Ciaran, and want to marry him, don’t waste time. Figure out the semantics later. You want to live with him, great. Enjoy it now.”

“But what if everyone gets mad about money—”

“Say, no one in Rogue cares if your hard earned paycheck goes to a wedding, or a house,” My dad laughs, but his eyes are all seriousness. “Plus, I have my own savings I want to give you, and so does your mom. Ciaran has been setting aside his own savings for years, long before you showed up. Get over it, and trust him. If you love him, trust him.”

“Thanks dad,” I reach over to hug him. Everything in my body feels ten times lighter once his arms circle around me. I know what feels right now.

“You sure you want to wait until next year, honey?” Bernice takes my check for the deposit on the venue. It’s one of the newer spaces right outside of town, but close enough for people to be able to drive home. The enormous white shed had been gutted and renovated a few years back. It contains enough space for the crowd we’ll be inviting, a dance floor, and bar. The inside is bare, and ready to be decorated however each bride and groom who rents it wants it to look. My mind swirls thinking of the soft twinkle lights, candles, greenery, and maybe a few Christmas trees. With a blanket of snow we’re guaranteed around that time of year, it will be the perfect backdrop.

“I want it to be magical, so yes, that is the date and time of year for us,” I smile at her. Once I confirm, her own lips tilt in a smile wider than mine.

“I’m just so happy you two are finally making plans. December 4th, is booked for you. As we get closer, we can talk about catering, and all the other good stuff,” Bernice winks and I can’t help but chuckle.

“Looking forward to it,” I wave goodbye to her and head back into the parking lot. Last night’s snow still blankets the ground, but the air no longer holds the same crispness. Winter is on its way, slowly making its grand entrance. Nothing though, can ruin the absolute peace in my heart. For the first time in a year, my heart, head, and soul align in thought. I am going to marry Ciaran. I put the deposit on the venue and booked the reception to follow. I told my mom, and we picked a date to look at dresses next week. A winter wedding, one year from now. I can’t wait to tell Ciaran. I want to surprise him, and also let him know that there is finally a house I want to look at together. He may have to make some changes and upgrades, but it could be the one.

I’m so distracted in my bubble of bliss that I almost miss the chopper flying overhead. My gaze shoots up and I use my hand to shield my eyes from the bright sky. It’s all black, bullet proof, our Rogue chopper. My heart drops. Panic spreads through my limbs, and I race to my car to grab my phone. Through the window I can see my phone light up with Oaklynn’s name. Tears spring to my eyes.

I hit the answer button, “Why is there a chopper?”

“Say,” Her voice wobbles, “Where are you? I’ll pick you up, we need to go to the hospital.”

“What happened, who is it?” I slide into my car, my arms wrapping around the steering wheel.

She inhales, and I can tell it’s to choke back a sob, “It’s Ciaran.”

My world stops. “I’ll meet you there.”

“Say, let me drive you,” she argues.

“I WILL MEET YOU THERE,” I turn my phone off and slip my seatbelt into place before reversing out of the parking lot and driving to the hospital. My phone keeps ringing. Oaklynn, Mom, Mila, Oaklynn over and over while it takes me almost half an hour to reach the hospital. The entire time tears pour down my cheeks, it hurts to breathe from how bad my chest is convulsing from crying. It’s bad. I know it. Ciaran wouldn’t choose to go to the hospital. The decision was made for him. I thought things were fine on their mission. No one mentioned that anything bad had happened. It wrapped up two weeks ago so why is he know being flown in for medical care?

By the time I make it in, my hands are trembling. Thankfully the nurse takes pity on me and directs me to the area I need to go. The hallway is almost empty, except for Kai, Silas, and my dad, who are standing, their heads down.

“Oh my god,” My breathing turns choppy. Silas sees me and reaches for me first, pulling my body into his.

“He’s okay,” He rubs my back soothingly. “They just need to confirm that nothing serious was hit.”

“Our field paramedics did the best they could, but we wanted a second opinion,” Kai approaches and places his hand on my shoulder.

“He’s awake, and lucid?” I manage to get the questions out, my eyes bouncing around, trying to take in the reassurances they are giving me. “Why the freaking helicopter then?”

“We needed to get him in fast. There have been too many days in the field,” my dad finally speaks. Our eyes catch. He winces when he looks at me. Probably feeling guilty about the huge tears on my cheeks, the mascara all over my face. I’ve been a wreck since Oaklynn called me.

“Can I see him?” I pull back from Silas. My brother’s face crumbles, but he nods his head anyways.

“Don’t freak out.”

I keep his words in mind, and push my way into the hospital room. Instantly the sterile smell hits me, making me want to throw up right there. Everything is clinical looking, white, stark, plain. My gaze finds Ciaran’s immediately.

“Ci,” My lips wobble and I clutch my hands together. Dark bruises cover the side of his face, and a bandage is taped over his head. A patch of red bleeds through. His hospital gown is open and I see tape covering his torso.

“I’ll let you two have a few minutes,” Matt excuses himself, but I can’t move, or thank him. I’m focused on Ciaran, unable to look away from the love of my life who could have been seriously hurt. Was hurt, but survived.

“It looks worse than it is,” Ciaran jokes, but his laugh breaks off in a wince.

“You were shot,” I manage to work out on my own. He nods his head, his eyes falling to the blankets.

“I’m sorry they worried you. I didn’t want you to know yet,” He explains, each word hurting more than the last.

“Why wouldn’t you tell me?”

“You want a break from this life, Saylor. I’ve hardly given you time, and now I show up injured, and probably living out your worst fear,” Ciaran’s tone is even, his face slowly masking itself. I step forward, my hand reaching out for him.

“Ci—”

“I did a lot of thinking out there,” He cuts me off. Finally raising his head, I suddenly wish he hadn’t. The blue of his eyes are flat, emotionless, cold. His gaze from the past haunts me, and I finally understand what is about to happen here. He’s trying to push me away.

“So did I,” I interrupt him, “This isn’t my worst fear, Ciaran. My worst fear is you not coming back at all. Of never hearing your voice again. Don’t do this.”

“It happened so fast, Say. One minute I was up, and the next I don’t remember. Kai said I was shot, and on the way down I hit my head on a rock. I could have died. Right before I passed out, all I thought about was you, and how right you were. It’s unfair to expect you to be okay with knowing this might happen at any given moment. I can’t do that to you. I already stole so much from you.”

“How did you steal anything from me?” I scoff, and move closer to his bed.

“I made you stay here. I kept you in this life. It wasn’t what you wanted.”

“Yes it was, it is Ciaran. I was there for the conversation too, I chose to come back. I chose to stay,” I remind him, like I had to remind myself. The scene playing out so vividly in my memory.

“I shouldn’t have asked you,” Ciaran’s voice turns hollow. He looks defeated. I hardly recognize the man sitting in front of me, talking to me. “We can’t be happy. Love and Rogue don’t go together. You know it, I know it. I don’t want you to stay here for me anymore.”

“And what am I supposed to do, Ci?” I feel my anger rising, tears stinging my eyes again. “Huh?”

He shakes his head, “Anything you want. If you need to start over, I’ll give you the money to.”

“I don’t want money, Ciaran. I have an established practice here. I’m part of Rogue. I’m not walking away.”

“Good then,” His head tilts, studying me. I want to gag at the lack of emotion he holds for me, while I’m practically ready to break down in front of him, “You’re an asset to Rogue. Your practice is exactly what our targets need when they first get here. Our community relies on you to help them through the adjustment. You’re good at your job, Say. Silas, Kai, Me, we’re proud of you.” His voice wavers slightly when more tears start coursing down my cheeks. My heart is hammering in my chest refusing to believe this is happening to us. “Still, I think it’s time we end things between us, before you hate me, and I resent you.”

“Why would I hate you, and why would you resent me?” I choke out, I can’t hold back the sobs anymore.

“I can’t walk away from Rogue. I never will. This could happen again, or worse. I’ll break my promise to you. You’ll feel like you come second. Even if we got married someday, or have a family, Rogue will still be in our lives. You’ll grow to hate it, and by extension, me. And if I walk away someday, because I would for you, Saylor, I would if you asked me, and then you hate me, I’ll resent you for making me leave. That’s my worst fear.”

“Ciaran…”

“Let’s break up, Say,” He breathes out, his fingers grip the bed cover, “Let’s save each other this time.”

“I don’t want to, I love you,” I tell him, hating myself for sounding like I’m begging him, unable to let go.

“I’ll always love you, too. I can’t do this anymore though. It’s not fair to you, or me. We want different things, and I can’t force you to believe me, to trust me.”

My heart shatters there on the hospital floor. The fears I’d been running from for so long reflect back at me in little, pointy shards. The words I had thought, the secrets I had kept guarded to myself, are broken around us. Only in my head, it was always Ciaran rushing to make things better, to piece us together. Like the coward I’ve become, I turn and flee the hospital room, ignoring Silas, my dad, Kai, Matt, who are all calling after me. Swearing, and trying to get me to stop, but I can’t. I’m lost. My heart is broken, my soul is slowly dying. I need Ciaran. I love him. I never pictured a future where he wasn’t part of my life. It’s been me and him in all my dreams, in all my hopes and wishes as we got older and navigated this life. Another sob breaks from my throat as I finally reach my car, and slide back inside. My fingers grip the steering wheel, my vision blurring with hot tears that slide down my now chilled cheeks. After everything I put us through, he broke up with me. I made him feel like he wasn’t enough when he has always been the only thing I was ever sure about. He’s done. We’re done. And that’s the saddest ending I could ever dream of.