Chapter Fourteen

Ciaran

Everything feels wrong. My days move slowly, and most of the time my mind is in a fog. I knew tearing my heart out was going to be painful, but I wasn’t prepared for the absolute torture of being without Saylor. Everyone is watching me, treating me like I’m glass, or in Jason’s case, glowering at me like I ruined the world. Maybe I did. I couldn’t do it anymore though. I couldn’t keep hurting the one person I love more than anything. I did not want to stick around and watch as she falls apart when her worst nightmare comes true. All I could think about since the minute I regained consciousness in that field was that Saylor had been right. I couldn’t promise something wouldn’t happen. I couldn’t keep my word that in the end both of us wouldn’t be hurt. So I did the one thing I should have done years ago, I let her go.

I made it past Christmas and New Years with as little contact with anyone as possible. I was aware of Saylor’s text, and her missed calls, but like a jackass, I didn’t respond. I didn’t know how to respond. We’re over and I know I’ll cave if I respond. I can’t do that to her. I need to be strong enough to stay away for both of us.

Silas and Kai tip-toe around me and it’s only a matter of time before they stop giving me space and I’ll have to talk to them about it. Kai is already skeptical of my reasoning for taking an assignment today, because of all days, its fucking Valentine’s Day. His eyes have been on me in the shop since I got here.

“You’re really going out on this?” He finally speaks.

Without glancing up from the gun I’m cleaning, I nod. “Someone has too. The threat level is unknown, but Reed had some intel for us.”

“Yeah but today? Why not wait until tomorrow or something? Maybe by then Reed will have more for us. I don’t think even Oaklynn has seen this yet to do any surveillance photos.”

“Don’t need them,” I shrug and keep cleaning, “It’s a simple in and out. If it becomes more we’ll pull back and wait.”

Kai is quiet again, his eyes flicking all over the screen in front of him. He wants to ask about Saylor. Remind me of what day it is. Like I could forget. Which is why I need to get out of here. I set the weapon down and get up to start packing my bag.

“Oh, he is still here,” Silas walks into the room, glancing from me to Kai before dropping his eyes to the bag in front of me. “You’re going to leave? Today?”

I stand to my full height and meet my best friend’s glare. Saylor is his sister, but we were friends first. We should still be friends, no matter what. “Someone has to. I figured you both would be busy this week so I would take a small team and do it myself.”

“You were shot just a few months ago,” Silas points out, which causes Kai’s chair to swivel in our direction.

“Boom.”

I raise my brow, “Boom what? I’m going. The team is ready and I want to get in front of whatever this is.”

“It’s the day of love. Today would be a perfect day to go to her so you both can work out your shit,” Silas pushes, Kai nodding his head in the background.

I breathe in deeply and exhale, reminding myself that even though I’m hurting right now too, this was my decision. I can’t expect anyone to understand, especially when they don’t know the cracking ice Saylor and I had been on months prior to me being shot. “We aren’t going to work this out. She made her decision before that mission and I realized she was right. When it comes to Rogue we aren’t on the same page, and I won’t force her to be like my dad.”

Kai snorts, “Say would never be like him, Ci. And you aren’t like your mom. Rogue is your life, and so is Saylor. She stuck around for a reason. It’s normal for both of you to have doubts and fights, but it’s not something to break up over.”

“I got shot,” I remind them, “I broke my promise to her, and it could happen again and again. She wasn’t sure and I proved her right. I refuse to put us through pain like our parents experienced.”

I grab the bag off the floor and move towards the door, “Just let it go, guys. This is our new normal. It will feel better in time.”

Without a backwards glance I head to my truck and chuck the bag in the back. I make sure my weapon is strapped in before sending one more text to the team I pulled together for this week. I’ll be meeting them out in Pennsylvania, as far east as I like to travel. Awareness floods down my spine, but I refuse to acknowledge the eyes on me as I leave town, my truck barreling down the main street. My phone vibrates three times, and even though my hand itches to reach onto my pocket, I keep driving. One day they’ll all understand.

Half an hour later I make it to our airfield and jump into the plane. It’s a shorter flight and I spend the time looking over the limited intel we do have. I wasn’t lying when I said it was a small job, but we all know sometimes even the smallest jobs can turn into something larger. By the time the plane touches down I can feel the ominous change in the air. “Shit,” I mutter under my breath, feeling as if eyes I can’t see are on me.

Finally, I allow myself to look at the text messages I had been ignoring.

MATT: Call from Reed. Issue with territorial dispute. Hang tight.

SILAS: Your level isn’t changing, but Matt called saying Reed might have more information.

SAYLOR: I heard you left town. Be safe, can we talk when you get back?

I squeeze the phone in my hand, all at once hating myself for not reading my messages sooner, and also for leaving. Marching over to the car that’s waiting for me I nod to the member of Rogue and quickly type back to Matt and Silas.

Me: I just landed. Update?

My finger hovers over Saylor’s name. I want to respond, but I know if I cave to talking with her the chances are greater that I’ll cave to everything, and then we’ll be right back where we started.

“Where to, boss?” My head jumps to the man who picked me up. He’s dressed casual, blending in, like he’s just picking up a friend from the airport.

“Headquarters,” I tell him. He starts driving and I keep checking my phone waiting for an update from Matt. “What can you tell me about what has occurred in the last twelve hours?”

“After we made Alpha Rogue aware and were updated to set up a team, the signals had been suddenly quiet. About two hours ago there was new movement, to the northeast of the line. I sent the imaging in, but we haven’t heard back yet,” He hands me the digital image that’s zoomed in as much as it can go. Regardless, I can make out the human forms.

We drive in silence while I continue to go over the past few months of information. There has been nothing except for this blip on the radar. It could be as simple as hikers that are lost, or its more. I left before Oaklynn had been able to give a better view, which was against what Kai and Silas had wanted. I pushed to leave early, so now I’ll have to wait here, blind, until she can review the footage and hopefully get us better material.

When we get to their headquarters, a cabin like structure, I unpack and throw my stuff in the control room. I’m ready to make it a night of studying when suddenly my phone rings.

“Reed,” I answer the phone and feel the tension in my neck dissipate slightly.

“No one else is working tonight,” I hear his expressionless voice, “Why are you?”

My fingers squeeze the bridge of my nose and I exhale, fighting to remain calm, “Don’t worry about me. Just tell me what you could find.”

I hear the clicking of his keyboard and a hushed female voice. Mila must be helping him. My chest squeezes thinking of her, the girl who has become my designated little sister but I will never actually be a part of her family. “We didn’t capture this trail sooner because the direction of migration isn’t coming west to east. The trail appears to be moving south to north. For some reason this is the first time they have aligned with our border.”

“Is this why Matt texted me about a territorial dispute?” My jaw clenches, knowing I’m going to hate his answer before he even responds.

“Yes,” I hear Mila’s voice and the hint of glee laced in her tone.

“Just tell me, Reed,” I squeeze my eyes shut and lean my head back against the chair. After traveling and going over information all day, I’m starting to feel exhaustion creep over me. The computer dings. “Wait, Kai is on the line.” I make a few clicks and soon Kai and Oaklynn’s faces are on screen.

“Oh good, you already have Reed on,” Kai grunts and his eyes zip to mine. “So you heard?”

“I think Reed was just about to explain,” I manage to grit out and I swear I see Oaklynn’s lips smirk.

“We got a signal from Ghost Operatives. Apparently New York has been all over this. He’s requesting a chat with you tomorrow. Seems he has plans tonight,” Kai delivers the news before Reed can. I’d give anything to be able to reach through the screen and wipe his smug smile off his face. Instead I keep my face cold, distant, and focused.

“He gave you a time I suppose,” I manage to grit out.

Oaklynn’s face lights up, “Ollie said that Nash would be in touch around nine our time so eight for you.”

Nash. Fucking Nash Aimsworth and his little corner of the world. My jaw ticks, and I’m reminded of him, and our past, that is entwined with the girl we both love, but that I stole. “Reed set up a secure line and sent it to Aimsworth. I’ll be on.”

Kai laughs and covers it with a cough before he and Oaklynn jump off the call. I can hear Reed typing again. “I thought his little start-up was staying on their coast?”

“Ghost Operatives has grown in numbers. It’s not just him and Oliver anymore either, their friend Miles Hamilton started a few years back. I’m not surprised this area has grown, or that their clientele would bleed into ours.” Reed’s voice is bored and calm. Clearly he doesn’t see this as an issue. It must just be me, because Nash was so resistant to becoming Rogue, stating he wanted to have his own program stand on its own feet after all the shit he went through with his parents, and well, because he stabbed me.

I grunt in response, “Thanks Reed. Don’t forget that line.” I hang up and the weight of all my decisions hangs over my head. Saylor’s face flashes in my mind, and it hurts. My body aches, and not just where I’m still recovering. I hurt on the inside, deep in the place where I’m always reminded I’m not enough. As long as Rogue runs in my veins, I’ll never be enough for some people to love.