Chapter 6

It was almost5 am when I finally dragged my tired ass up the five floors to our apartment. Working the overnight shift fuckin’ sucked. It was always so dead in there, and every noise had me jumping out of my skin. I must’ve watched too many horror movies as a kid because I always expected the worst.

Today was terrible because I hated how things had ended with Beckett. He’d texted me during lunch like he always did to check in on me, but that was the only contact we’d had, and we sure as shit didn’t mention what had happened this morning. The guilt had been weighing on me all fuckin’ day. I should’ve never done that. I couldn’t figure out what was going on in Becks’s head, but the last thing I wanted was him to feel guilty or ashamed. I’d hoped that would bring us closer, not push us apart. I vowed I’d tell him I never planned on messaging the guy as soon as I saw him.

My eyes were so heavy, I didn’t know how I kept them open long enough to make it home. It took me three tries to get the key in the lock, but I finally did. I made sure to lock the door behind me because it didn’t matter how tired I was, I knew better than to forget that. I dropped my backpack on the floor and kicked off my shoes. Turning toward the bedroom, I slammed right into Beckett, literally.

I stumbled back a few steps. Damn, when did his chest get so solid? “Sorry, Ri. Are you okay? I thought you saw me.”

I shook my head and rubbed my eyes with the palms of my hands, trying to stay awake. “Can barely keep my eyes open. Didn’t expect you to still be awake.”

Becks looked down at me, his expression a little . . . off. “Yeah, I, uh, couldn’t sleep.”

I frowned, the worry already building up. Was it cause of what happened earlier or something else?

“What’s wrong?”

Becks ran his fingers through his hair. It was a little damp, like maybe he’d just showered, and now it was sticking up in all different directions. He looked adorable and much younger than usual like that. I swallowed nervously and looked away. I needed to keep it together.

“You’re tired. We can talk in the mornin’.”

I sighed, way too exhausted to deal with this bullshit. “Becks, just fuckin’ tell me. You know I’m not sleepin’ at all if I’m worried about you. Better to just get it over with.” Then I thought about it. “But follow me into the bedroom. I wanna get out of these fuckin’ clothes.”

Beckett stayed quiet as he followed me into the room. I could feel his eyes on me as I got changed, which was different. We changed in front of each other all the time, nothing weird about that. But I didn’t think he’d ever watched me before, not like this. Trust me, I didn’t mind. At. All.

I snuck him a glance as I pulled up my sweats, not bothering with a shirt. His face was scrunched in concentration, like this was the strangest shit he’d ever seen in his life. Okay? That wasn’t exactly the expression I was hoping to see.

“Becks.” He blinked several times, shaking his head like he just remembered where he was and what happened.

“Sorry.” His cheeks were red as he sat on the edge of the bed. I stood in front of him, just far enough so that our knees brushed. Becks’s eyes trailed down my chest before they snapped up to my face. What the fuck?

“Becks, what’s going on? You’re scarin’ me.”

“Shit. Sorry. I, uh. I’m sorry about earlier. I was a total dickbag to you.”

Shrugging, I tried to keep my heart rate under control. “It was fine. I shouldn’t have teased you like that.”

He looked up, confused. Becks’s fingers started to toy with the fabric of my sweats right above my knee. I wondered if he even realized he was doing it.

“What do ya mean?”

“I was never gonna text that guy, Becks. Never even thought about it until you pissed me off. And even then, it was for a fuckin’ second. I don’t want nothin’ to do with him.”

So many expressions flashed across Becks’s face in rapid fire, I didn’t have a chance in hell to decipher it. “So then why show me? I’m just tryin’ to understand this, butterfly. All of this is messin’ with me, and I can’t even figure out why.”

God, my poor Becks. I took a few steps forward so I was in between his knees and placed my hands on his shoulders, needing to touch him.

“I was bein’ stupid. Can we just say it was teenage rebellion a few years too late and call it a day?”

Becks wasn’t gonna let it go, but I could also tell he was all up in his head about it, and I didn’t want that. He had enough things to worry about. He didn’t need me and my ridiculous feelings added to it.

Still, it wasn’t a surprise when he stood up and cupped my face, not letting me look away. “Yeah, that’s not workin’ for me. This ain’t some kind of teenage rebellion bullshit. You showed me those texts for a reason. And I’m gonna be honest. I told Jay and he put some fuckin’ thoughts in my head that I can’t let go. Stop bullshittin’ me, butterfly. What were you tryin’ to do when you told me about fuckin’ Cole?”

Yeah, I was a terrible person, but just the way Becks said his name, like just the word caused him physical pain, made me all gooey inside. I was likely getting my hopes up for nothing and seeing things that weren’t really there. But it was hard not to as Beckett’s hand tightened around my face and he clenched his teeth so hard, I thought he was gonna break them.

“That . . . This was what I was goin’ for. It was terrible and fucked up, and I feel so fuckin’ bad. But this was all I wanted to see.” Becks was still holding my face, so my words were all mumbled and smushed, but he understood. He relaxed his hold, his frown replacing all that jealousy.

“I’m not followin’, Ri. You need to spell it out for me.”

I wrenched out of his hold, and turned my back to him. I couldn’t. I couldn’t possibly admit to what he wanted me to. It was so fuckin’ wrong. He was gonna hate me. Why did I have to push things? We were perfect. It was Becks and me forever. I never had to change anything. Sure, I’d always have this hole inside of me that could never be filled, but at least I’d have Beckett.

But now, I’d have to tell him how I really felt about him. And then he was gonna hate me and send me away. All the just the two of us bullshit wouldn’t mean nothing once he heard about the kind of sicko his little brother was.

“Riley.” Beckett’s tone meant business. It was the one that I usually had a hard time ignoring. But brat mode Riley was fully activated. I crossed my arms and shook my head, refusin’ to turn around.

“I-I can’t. I can’t tell you.”

Suddenly, big hands were on my shoulders and I was pushed against the dresser. I tried to pull away, but Becks’s hand wrapped around the back of my neck and he pressed against me, not given’ me an inch of space.

Beckett was everywhere. His spicy-scented body was the only things I could smell. His solid, tattoo-covered chest was the only thing I could see. Becks. Becks. Becks.

It was too much and not enough all at once. He wanted to know why I showed him those fuckin’ texts? He wasn’t gonna let this go? Fine. I’d let him know exactly why.

I shoved him back, which took him by surprise enough that Becks actually stumbled a step. It was all I needed. Our height difference made some things awkward and I needed the space. Before he could say anything or I could question my fuckin’ sanity, I wrapped my arms around Becks’s neck, going up on my tiptoes.

I was never gonna be able to say the words. Every time I tried, they’d just get caught in my throat. But I’d show him. I’d show him that I wasn’t a little kid anymore, that I wasn’t his baby brother. I was Riley, a grown man, and so madly in love with Beckett Cooks it wasn’t even funny.

This might be the worst decision I’d made in my life, but there was no turning back now as Becks tilted his face down in confusion and I lightly brushed my lips against his.

The kiss was barely there, barely touching, yet I still felt sparks shoot between us. I closed my eyes, as I got completely lost in the moment. I did it. I took that step and finally, fuckin’ finally kissed Beckett.

My arms tightened around Becks’s neck, but he stiffened. I opened my eyes just to realize Beckett was as stiff as a board, his expression horrified. I pushed him back, knocking him away, but I needed space and I was pinned against the dresser.

Oh God, oh fuck. What did I do? “I-I’m sorry, Becks. I’m so fuckin’ sorry.” I needed to get out of here. I’d fucked everything up. I wanted to move but my legs were like lead, gluing me to the spot and I couldn’t run away from my mistakes. All I could do was watch Becks as he stared straight ahead, completely lost.

Then he blinked and my Becks was back. Still, I knew things would never be the same all because I had to be a greedy asshole and kiss him. Who did that? Who kissed someone without even asking first?

“I-I’m sorry,” I stammered again. “I-I don’t know what I was thinkin’. I— Please don’t hate me.”

They were the magic words. I didn’t mean to use them against Beckett like that, but then he was back, right in my face but he didn’t touch me. It hurt more than I could say.

“Butterfly, I don’t know what it would take to get it through your thick skull, but I can never fuckin’ hate you. You could shoot me right now and you’d still be the best thing I’ve ever had in my life.”

I scowled at him. “Don’t say shit like that. I’d never hurt you. Not on purpose anyway.”

His lips tipped up in half a smile. “Got you to stop apologizing though.”

“I should be apologizing. You’re fuckin’ horrified. I ruined everything.”

I tried to run again, my legs finally feeling normal, but Becks stopped me with a hand around my bicep. “Stop runnin’ and stop apologizing and give me a fuckin’ second to process.”

“Sorry.” Beckett glared at me, and I bit my lip to stop myself from saying sorry again.

He let go of my arm, but the look he fixed me with let me know he would not be happy if I ran. I wrapped my arms around myself and prepared to face the music.

“You kissed me.”

“Yeah.”

“Why?”

I scoffed. “Because I like you, dumbass,” Like wasn’t even close to a strong enough word to explain how I was feeling, but I wasn’t gonna scare Becks any more than I already had. “I like you as more than a brother, and I have for a long time. Really fuckin’ long. I showed you that stupid text because I was tryin’ to make you jealous. It was dumb. All of this was. I thought maybe, just maybe you mighta had feelings for me too, not as a brother, and maybe you just didn’t realize it yet or were scared or somethin’. But I was clearly wrong and I fucked everything, and now you’re gonna leave me. Or worse, you won’t leave because of some weird obligation you feel you have to me and just keep takin’ care of me but secretly hate me and resent me, and we’ll eventually grow apart and all the you and me forever bullshit will be just that, bullshit, and—”

“Riley.”

My head snapped up. “What?”

“Shut up.” I opened my mouth to retaliate, but he held up a hand and kept talking. “You keep talkin’ and talkin’ and not givin’ me a chance to think. I-I don’t know how I feel. I’m so fuckin’ confused, and everything I ever thought is being flipped on its head, so ‘scuse me if maybe I’m not keepin’ up. But there is one thing I’m so fuckin’ sure of. I don’t hate you. I’ll never hate you. I’m not disgusted by you either. You ain’t some obligation or whatever else you just said. Jay said somethin’ today that I can’t stop thinkin’ about. He said you and me are two parts of the same person. He’s right. You’re my other half, Ri. What that means exactly, I’m not sure yet. I’m sorry I acted like that when you kissed me. It was not because of you. It’ll never be because of you. I was surprised, and my head went to a lot of different places. There are some things, things you don’t know, and my brain is a fucked-up place to be. It had me thinkin’ about things I wished I never had to remember again.”

The color drained out of my face. I didn’t know what Becks was talking about, but I knew he kept some things from me. There were too many days he’d come back a lifeless shell of the person he was when he’d left. Too many times, he’d come back bruised or bleeding or just holding himself weird. He would never tell me what had happened, and I stopped asking. I’d just cleaned him up and held him until he’d slept. But still, as I’d gotten older, I’d started to suspect. There were only so many ways a kid could get money and . . . Oh God. I was gonna be sick.

“Becks. Oh my God. I’m so sorry. I never. Never meant to— I shoulda asked. I just—”

Becks cupped my cheeks. “Hey, butterfly. It’s okay. I’m okay. Breathe for me, please. I’m not mad or even upset. It just took a second for my brain to catch up. But I’ll never be upset at your touch, even if it was unexpected. You have nothin’ to apologize for.”

“I shoulda asked.”

“Butterfly, look at me.” I didn’t want to, but I owed it to Beckett. I met his eyes and nearly got the breath knocked out of me with all the emotion brewing in those dark blues. “Riley, you did nothin’ wrong. You can’t know how I’m gonna react all the time when I don’t even know. Okay? No matter what, no matter what happens next, that kiss didn’t break us. We’re still good.”

“We are?” I hated how unsure I was.

Becks knocked his head against mine. “Yeah, Ri, we are.”

“And the rest of it?”

He sighed. “I-I don’t know. Before today, I was sure I only thought of you as my little brother. But with the way I reacted before, Jay’s and my talk, and now this, it has me questioning everything. I’m startin’ to see things I never saw before. I just, I need a little time to figure it out. Is that okay, Riley? I’m not sayin’ no, and I’m not pushin’ you away. I just need time.”

I swallowed. Time. I could do that. I knew it had to be a shock to him. Becks deserved to take all the time he needed. I could be patient. As long as he wasn’t leavin’ me, I could wait.

“Okay.”

Beckett grinned and all was right in the world. “Good. Thank you, butterfly. Now, c’mon. It’s been a long as fuck day and we both need sleep.”

I hesitated. “In our bed, right? Or should I go sleep on the couch?”

Beckett rolled his eyes, “Stop bein’ ridiculous. ‘Course in our fuckin’ bed.” And just to make sure I didn’t get any ideas, Becks literally guided me in and tucked me in the covers, like he’d done as a kid. Then I could finally breathe normally as he held me against his body so that my back was against his chest. We knew it was weird, but it was the only way we could sleep, and I thought I’d lost that by kissing him without asking first. The tension in Beckett’s body melted away second by second, and it allowed me to relax too. This was fine. This was perfect. And if Becks decided he could never give me more than this, then I’d learn to live with that because any part of Becks was better than none.