Chapter 5

Jay gaveme some serious side-eye as I poured myself another shot of vodka from behind the bar.

“Y’know, Walter is gonna fire your ass if he ever realizes just how much of his booze you help yourself too.”

I snorted as I poured him a shot and pushed it down the bar.

“He ain’t firing me. This place won’t run without me.”

It was true enough. Walter had been pissed when I’d gotten the job at the factory and went down to only weekends and two additional nights at the bar. I was his most reliable employee and had been since I was 16, when I’d come in with an ID we’d both known was fake, begging for a job.

Besides, I knew he didn’t care that I helped myself to some of the booze. It never got in the way of my job, and I made way more for him than I took.

“He was probably happy when you asked for extra shifts,” Jay said. His tone was casual, but I couldn’t help but feel like there was way more meaning to his words.

It was a Tuesday, which meant it was slow as fuck in here. Maybe in an hour, when the game started, a few more people would trickle in, but right now it was just Jay, me, and a couple of regulars.

While it wasn’t weird for Jay to keep me company when I worked, I always hoped he’d miss Tuesday. It was the designated day he and his mom had dinner together. It was something they tried to do whenever she was sober enough to remember she had a son and needed to eat. She was never completely sober these days, so Jay just settled for functional. I had mixed feelings about the whole thing. I was glad he was trying to have a relationship with his mom and trying to forgive her for the bullshit she’d done when he was a kid. But more often than not, he just showed up at our apartment or the bar with the disappointed, kicked puppy expression on his face that he currently had. I fuckin’ hated it. Jay was my family. I didn’t like my family goin’ through shit I couldn’t fix, and this was firmly in that category. It made me wanna gouge someone’s eyes out.

If he was here now, it meant his mom wasn’t up for dinner. Or she was MIA. He was trying to hide how much it hurt because having hope when it came to our parents was askin’ for trouble, but I got it. It was hard to break from that habit that maybe this would be the time. That maybe they’d remember that they loved us enough to fight through the addiction.

For him to be here, especially this early, wasn’t a good sign, but he wasn’t talking about it and I wasn’t gonna push. Our parents were sensitive subjects.

“Is Riley at work?” he asked after I didn’t respond to his last comment.

I knew what Jay was getting at, but all I could think about was when he’d come home this morning and everything that had happened afterward. I’d replayed the conversation over and over in my head throughout the whole day. And that fuckin’ text message . . . I didn’t know who this Cole guy was, but if I ever saw that fucker . . .

No. Shit. What the fuck was wrong with me? My head was all over the place. Part of me felt guilty and sick. Yeah, I was protective and worried about Ri, but my reaction went far beyond one of a brother. He was a grown ass man. I needed to let some of my control go so he could live his damn life. Why did that thought make me want to puke?

I stumbled back a step when something started waving in my face. Jay’s hand. “Yo, earth to Beck. You still with me, man?”

I scrubbed my face and tried to get my shit together.

Luckily, the place was deader than a doornail right now, so I only had to worry about Jay’s scrutiny, not my job.

“Yeah. Sorry.” My hands shook as I poured myself more vodka.

Jay’s stool slid across the floor as he stood. “Shit. Take it easy with that crap, Beck. That’s the third shot you’ve taken in an hour. And have you eaten anything?”

I shot him a dirty look. If he only knew the thoughts in my head right now, he’d be helping me drown out the crazy.

I scowled at him. “I’m fine, Mom.”

Jay didn’t take the bait. “But you didn’t answer my question.”

“Riley made me a sandwich.” I didn’t bother to elaborate that I ate half of it at 12 and then saved the rest for tomorrow. It’d felt like lead in my gut, and I couldn’t get myself to take another bite. That wasn’t the point. “Are we done with the fuckin’ interrogation now? I can play this game too.” He needed the reminder that I knew he shouldn’t be here right now.

Jay glared at me. “Fuck, you’re grumpy. Do you need a hug?”

“Don’t cha got better things to do then bother me at work?”

Jay’s face fell, and I felt like shit. Clearly, things didn’t go well with his mom, and I didn’t need to pile on. “Sorry, man. You know I don’t mind you bein’ here.”

He shrugged. “It’s fine.”

I was such an asshole. I was so caught up in my own head and issues, I’d completely ignored his.

“Do you wanna talk about it?”

He shrugged again. “Not really. Do you wanna talk about whatever is goin’ on in your head?”

I almost shut him down, but when I tried to say the words, I blurted, “Some fucker was flirtin’ with Riley and gave him his number.”

Well shit.

Jay’s eyes widened with surprise before he burst out laughing. I glared at the asshole. “Sorry. Sorry. I just . . . I thought that all that”—he gestured vaguely, but I knew he meant the way I was acting—“was cause of the money. Not because you were jealous.”

What the fuck? I bared my teeth at him. He was lucky we were at the bar, otherwise I’d have punched him in his smug, little face. “What is wrong with you? I ain’t jealous.”

Jay took a sip of his beer and shrugged. His eyes were lit up with humor, and I was torn between bein’ pissed and happy he didn’t look so lost, even for a minute. “Sure.”

One of the regulars walked up then, so all I could do was shoot daggers at Jay and hope he could read my mind and all the fuckin’ death threats running through it as I poured the regular a new drink. He had a tab open with us, so he just mumbled a, “Thanks,” and went back to the booth with his other buddy.

I whirled on Jay. “This ain’t fuckin’ funny. I acted like a total asshole to Ri when he told me.”

Jay’s expression turned serious. “What happened?”

I spilled everything, I told him how I sat there, half asleep, tryin’ to do math to see what we could cut or sell to pay for school when Riley had walked in. Since we’d found out Dad had stolen the money, it was all I could think about. But funny enough, since I’d seen that text, I hadn’t thought about it at all.

You always had a hard-on for the kid.

I squeezed my eyes shut, willing his voice out of my fuckin’ mind. My fingers itched to get another shot but I resisted. That was the difference between my old man and me. I felt that urge, same as him. It would be so fucking easy to give into it. Especially when I was all in my head like this. One more shot and I’d be feelin’ good. I wouldn’t worry about Riley workin’ the graveyard shift all alone at the fuckin’ gas station and what could be happening to him there. I wouldn’t worry about how I was supposed to come up with more than 2 grand in 5 days. And I definitely wouldn’t be thinkin’ about Riley going on a fuckin’ date with some asshole from the gas station. I would be just feelin’ good. But then reality always fuckin’ hit, and I stopped myself just in time before reachin’ for that bottle. The image of Dad passed out in his own vomit when I went to confront him the other day was enough to push it aside and stay focused. I wasn’t becoming that motherfucker. I wouldn’t do that to Riley.

I couldn’t look at Jay, but I finished telling him the story, bein’ completely honest about the pure rage I’d felt when I saw those words. How dare that fuck try to make a claim on my Riley. I heaved out a breath. Keep it together, Beckett. He’s not fuckin’ yours. Not that way. And it’s fuckin’ sick you even thought it.

When I finished, I finally dared a look at Jay, but he didn’t seem disgusted or even surprised. Just thoughtful.

“You look like you’re gonna be sick.”

“Yeah, because I acted like a total asshole. I don’t got a claim on Riley.”

“I mean, yeah, I won’t deny you were kinda a dick, but do you really think you don’t got a claim on him?”

I squinted at my best friend like he’d lost his damn mind. “What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

“Riley looks at you like you hung the damn moon, man.”

“That’s cause I’m his brother and I took care of him as a kid.”

Jay tilted his head. “That might be part of it, but Beck, you know you two aren’t actually brothers, right?”

I growled, ready to kill the fucker. He held his hands up in front of him. “I didn’t mean it like that, asshole, calm the fuck down. First off, you two are way more than just brothers. I’ve never met two people closer and more attached to each other in my life. You’re like two parts of the same person. I only meant that genetically, you ain’t brothers.”

I blinked, tryin’ to understand what he was getting at. I knew Riley wasn’t my blood brother, but what the fuck did that mean? What was he even saying?

Jay sighed heavily. “Listen, I know you’re all up in your head, and I know your old man said all kinds of sick shit about you that’s probably fuckin’ with you. But Ri is a grown man who can make his own decisions.”

I frowned again. He was talkin’ in damn circles. “I know . . . That’s what I backed off. I might hate it, but if he wants to date that guy or whatever, he can,” I said through gritted teeth, every word fuckin’ painful to get out. I gripped the edge of the bar as my vision started to get blurry around the edges.

Stop hugging him, boy. It ain’t natural.

A hand touched mine, and my eyes snapped back open to see Jay next to me, holding it on top of the bar. “I’m gonna say this and then I’m gonna move on because I can tell how bad it’s fuckin’ with you. I just want you think about it, okay?”

I nodded because I couldn’t manage more than that. “I might be wrong, but I’m pretty fuckin’ sure Riley doesn’t wanna call that guy, or any other guy or girl for that matter.”

Huh? “He doesn’t? Then why show me?”

“To get that reaction out of you.”

Jay squeezed my hand one more time before slipping out from behind the bar.

I didn’t even have a chance to process that bomb when a group of people walked in and I had to do some actual work. It didn’t leave my mind though. Even two hours later, as the place started to fill up and my focus had to be on pouring drinks, Jay’s words didn’t leave me.

Could Riley really have wanted me to lose my shit like that? But why? I knew without question it wasn’t to hurt me. No matter how pissed he was, he would never play with me like that. So why? Did he want me to get jealous, like Jay accused me of. I shook that thought off immediately. There was no way. Jay was just in my head was all.

Still, I found myself imagining a world where I wouldn’t have to worry about some random dickhead hitting on my butterfly because he was really and truly mine. It wasn’t as hard to picture as I thought it would be. I didn’t know how to feel about that.

Like I’d said when Dad had accused me of shit the other day, I’d never ever thought of Riley like that. But even if he wasn’t my little brother, I’d never saddle Riley or anyone to me. I was too messed up for a relationship and would drag the poor sucker down with me. But would I if it was Riley? He was the only one who was ever able to bring me back. Maybe . . .

I shut down those thoughts real quick. Still, by the end of my shift, I hadn’t gotten any of it outta my head and I was more on edge then I’d been when I’d walked in. I was gonna have to talk to Ri about it. It was the only way to clear the air and get over all . . . this.