Chapter 7

I wokeup with something tickling my neck. When I brushed it away, I realized it was Riley’s hair. At some point, we must’ve moved positions and I was now flat on my back with Riley using my chest as a pillow, his face toward me. He was still sound asleep, and I couldn’t help but smile at his soft, little snores.

I still couldn’t believe all that happened last night. Riley had fuckin’ kissed me. Yeah, it’d been innocent as hell, barely a brush, but it’d rocked me right off my feet. I didn’t know if it was the shock, the fact it was Riley, or what, but I was more shaken by that tiny kiss than anything else. That was, until he opened his mouth and confessed everything that had been going on in his big, beautiful brain.

Now that I’d had some time to sleep and get a handle on my thoughts, I had so many questions. How long had Ri been feeling things for me? It must’ve been sort of obvious for Jay to notice, yet I had no idea. Was I dense or was I just purposely not seeing the signs because Ri was my kid brother, even if he was an adult.

That brought up a whole other set of questions though. How did I feel about him and all this? I lightly brushed his hair outta his face, the need to touch him was strong. That answered one question at least. Even with Ri’s feelings out in the open, nothing changed for me. He was still an extension of me. I still needed him as much as I needed air to breathe.

Fuck. That shoulda been a clue, right? Ri and I weren’t just brothers, biological or not, and we never would be. There was something more there. I just didn’t realize it since we were always in fuckin’ survival mode.

I took Ri in, like really took him in. From the little crease in between his eyebrow as he slept to the way his lips pouted as he sighed, how they were just a little chapped. My eyes trailed down the column of his neck to his bare chest, and I allowed my fingers to trace in between his pecs. He really was beautiful. How had I never noticed it before?

What would it be like to kiss him whenever I wanted? To have that one person I knew I could just be me around, that I could trust no matter what. Besides my own hang-ups, that was one of the reasons I’d never really gotten into a relationship. I couldn’t trust anyone, not enough to ever have a solid connection with them. I’d always have a wall up, ready for them to disappointment or get fed up with my crazy and leave.

Riley though . . . I could trust. He knew exactly how to deal with me, and even when we antagonized the shit outta each other, we never fuckin’ ran. I trusted him more than myself.

The revelation was fuckin’ life changing. It took the breath out of me, and I was surprised I didn’t wake Riley with how I jerked. Was this what my issue had been all along? Riley had always been my person, so I just needed that fuckin’ punch in the gut. The wake-up call let me see Riley in a way I never had before. Not the little kid I needed to protect. Not my brother who I was always there for and he was always there for me. But grown-ass Riley Dolan my other half. Nothin’ that felt this right was wrong. It couldn’t be.

Riley started to stir and so I played with his hair again. I wasn’t ready for him to wake yet. I still felt so unsettled, and I didn’t want him to sense it. Holy shit, maybe I liked Riley, too, the way he liked me. I had been just too blind and stubborn and caught up in all the hateful words from the sperm donor to realize it. But it made sense. It was the only thing that fuckin’ did.

Still, there were some things I needed to tell Riley before I allowed myself to really consider this thing. He deserved to know everything I’d kept from him. That was another reason why I’d never had a relationship. Besides the fact that anyone other than Ri or Jay touching me gave me the chills, I would never feel comfortable opening up to anyone to tell them everything. Anyone I was with for more than a hook-up should know. It wasn’t right to keep it from them.

I never told anyone the full truth. I thought I’d be keeping it to my grave. But as Riley began to stir for real this time, I knew I was gonna have to suck it up. ‘Cause the more I thought about it, the more I wanted Riley in every way he’d allow me to have him. At the very least, I needed to try . . . to see if what I was feeling was real or just coming from everything that had happened yesterday. And I wouldn’t do that until he knew everything.

“Your thinkin’ woke me up,” Riley grumbled adorably. He blindly reached for a pillow and threw it over his head. I smiled, and for the first time in . . . fuck . . . ages . . . my dick twitched in interest over something that wasn’t my hand.

I didn’t know how to feel about it. It was like I had blinders on all this fuckin’ time and someone had finally pulled them off and I was able to see the world clearly. It was a lot. Part of me still felt guilty that I had that kind of reaction to Ri. The other part remembered the sweetness of his lips and wanted to feel them again.

I pulled the pillow away from his head.

“What the fuck, Becks! I was sleepin’!”

I ignored him and dragged him up to a sitting position. “Sorry, butterfly. But we gotta talk.”

The instant frown and worry crease between his brows had my gut clenching. Without thinking, I leaned forward and kissed the crease away. “It’s nothin’ bad. Well, okay, it’s fuckin’ awful, but only cause I want to clear the air if we’re gonna do this.”

He pouted, his head tilted in confusion. “Do what?”

I kissed his forehead. Okay, I was takin’ the easy way out, but I loved the way he looked every time I did it. “Please, just, can we go do our morning bathroom stuff? Then I gotta tell you some things before you can really decide if you wanna”—why were words so hard all a sudden? I’d never had that issue with Ri before—“be . . . more.” Totally lame, but Ri’s small smile made it worth it. But then he seemed to realize everything I’d said.

“Becks, what’s going on?” I kissed him again, this time on his nose. I wasn’t ready for the lips yet, not till he knew the truth. “Go, butterfly.”

He bitched under his breath, but Ri finally crawled outta bed and I heard the bathroom door slam shut. When he came out, I walked past him without a word. I wanted to get this over with, but the conversation would be bad enough. I didn’t wanna have to piss the whole time too.

A few minutes later, we sat crossed-legged across from each other on the bed. I couldn’t decide if we needed more space or less. Neither was gonna make this conversation easier. My fingers dug into my wrist, which left little red marks right over the faded scars in my skin. Ri reached out like he was gonna touch me and then stopped himself, unsure if it was welcome. I wanted to reassure him, but I wasn’t sure he was gonna wanna touch me after this anyway, so . . .

“There’s somethin’ I wanna tell you, somethin’ that might change some of the stuff you said last night.”

Riley’s face scrunched. “There’s nothin’ you can say that will change my mind.”

I sighed. “This might.”

“No, it won’t.”

“Fucking Christ, Ri. Please let me talk. This is a lot. I need to get through it.”

His face softened. “Sorry. I’ll be quiet and listen.”

“Thank you, butterfly.” I dug in deeper, the pain the only thing that kept the flashbacks at bay. I was gonna tell him everything, but I . . . couldn’t. It was fucked up, and I was so wrong and selfish, but as his face flashed in my mind, I knew I could never taint Ri with that. Those nightmares were mine to suffer on my own, even if it made me a fuckin’ hypocrite. Maybe one day, I could say it without wanting to vomit all over the comforter, but it wasn’t today. The rest of it, he needed to know. Baby steps.

“When we were younger, I did some . . . things. Things I’m not ashamed of cause I did what I had to, but you might be. So I need ya to know.”

“Becks, I know.”

I frowned. “Know what? No you don’t.”

“Yeah, I do.”

It was pissing me off and I didn’t know why. How could he possibly know?

“What do you know, Ri? Please tell me. Do you know how most guys don’t bother askin’ your age when you’re on your knees for them?”

“Becks . . .”

“Jerkin’ a guy off would usually be enough to get us dinner for the night. Handful of blow jobs was enough to cover what my jobs didn’t for rent. I didn’t let anyone else have my ass though.”

Not after . . . fuck. I squeezed my eyes shut. This was not how I wanted to tell him. This was exactly the opposite of what I had planned. Now he was gonna blame himself and feel guilty. But I couldn’t stop fuckin’ talking.

“Sometimes, if I was really desperate, I’d let them piss on me. Did you know that too?”

Stop fuckin’ talkin’, Beckett!

The bed creaked and then Riley was on top of me, one hand holding my hair so tightly it brought tears to my eyes. The other one pried my fingers off my wrist. I opened my eyes, surprised to see blood.

“Beckett, stop trauma-bombing me to try and shock me away and look at me.”

Trauma-bombing? “Where’d you learn that?”

He rolled his eyes, but I saw the corners of his lips tip up. “Google. It don’t matter because it won’t work.”

I frowned, completely distracted from my anger. “What won’t work?”

“Tryin’ to scare me away by throwin’ all the bullshit you had to do at me. But it won’t scare me. I know I don’t know everythin’ you went through and had to do, and I get why you don’t wanna share it all. I even get why you’re throwin’ that at me. It’s somethin’ you had to do to survive, somethin’ you shoulda never had to do because you were just a kid with no choice, and I feel awful that it happened. And yeah, I feel fuckin’ guilty because I know you did it so I could eat or not have to sleep on the street or whatever. If that’s what you were tryin’ to do, make me feel guilty, you’ve succeeded. But if you were tryin’ to push me away from whatever the fuck this is between us, it won’t happen. Nothin’ will make me leave short of you tellin’ me to go. And even then, I’m not sure I’d listen.”

Everything settled. All the fear, all the noise. Everything that had made me lash out just disappeared. All I saw was Riley. “I don’t want you to feel guilty. Never that. I never regret anything I did to make sure you were fed and safe, and I’d do it all fuckin’ again. I’m so sorry I made you feel like that. I didn’t want to tell you this way. It just sorta happened.”

Riley relaxed his hold and practically fell into me, his face buried in my shoulder. I immediately wrapped my arms around him, that itch I felt since this whole shitshow conversation started finally eased.

“It’s okay. I know that couldn’t be easy, but thank you for trustin’ me enough to share.”

I kissed the top of his head, and breathed in that vanilla scent that always stuck to him. It was on the tip of my tongue to tell him everything, but the words ran dry. I already nearly fucked things up enough. That was enough for the day.

“So you’re really okay with that?”

“Yeah. Becks, there’s nothin’ wrong with sex work. What was wrong with it was that you were just a kid and those were grown ass man takin’ advantage of you. You do get the difference, right? That even if you did it willingly and they paid you, you were a victim? This wasn’t a choice you had.”

I didn’t answer because I wasn’t sure I did. But I was just so fuckin’ exhausted now, I really couldn’t talk about it anymore. Not when the rest of the memories were so close to the surface.

“When’d you become so smart?”

Ri knocked his head into my chest, but he was laughing. “Always, asshole. Thanks to you makin’ me stay in school.”

He had his head tilted up now so that he looked in my eyes, and it took my fuckin’ breath away. I always knew Riley had the most mesmerizing eyes I’d ever seen, but every time I looked at him now, it was like I saw him in a new light. How had I been so blind?

“Becks?” Riley asked softly. He pulled himself back and knelt in front of me.

“Yeah, butterfly?”

“Is it okay if I kiss you again? Now?”

My lips parted, but there was really only one correct answer. “Yeah.”

He started off slow and light. Tiny, innocent pecks. But when I didn’t back up or freak out, Ri got more confident. He rested his hands against my chest for balance and to find a rhythm. At first, I didn’t move. My brain was still trying to process Riley’s lips on mine. But then I relaxed. This was Riley. Who else but him should I experience this with? I ran my hands up and down his arms as he became more aggressive, his tongue pushed in between my parted lips.

I opened up for him. It only seemed right to let him have everything he wanted. I moaned into his mouth.

“Fuck, Becks.” Riley pushed at my chest and I lay down. He straddled my lap. “Is this okay?”

Why did it mean so much that he’d asked me that? I squeezed my eyes shut to stop the overload of emotions. “Y-yes.”

“I’m just kissin’ you, Becks. Nothin’ more. Please tell me to stop if you need me to.”

I just nodded, unable to say any words. I was so fuckin’ overwhelmed. Riley started to kiss me again. How could something so innocent feel so dirty? His hips brushed along my stomach, and since he was only wearing those threadbare gray sweats he loved so much, I could feel just how turned on he was.

My heart started to pound in my chest. I wasn’t hard. Would Riley realize that? Would he think it meant I didn’t want him? That I wasn’t enjoying this? Was I enjoying this?

Riley climbed off me. “It’s okay, Becks. We can just cuddle.”

“I-I’m sorry. I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me.”

“Nothin’. I pushed too far. You just said yesterday you needed time, then you told me somethin’ major. It’s been a lot. Just cuddle with me?”

Tears began to spring to my eyes as I pulled him close and kissed the top of his head. “Thank you, butterfly. You’re fuckin’ perfect.”

Ri snorted. “Not even close.”

“Well, you’re perfect for me.”

“That’s the only thing that matters. You’re perfect for me too, Becks. Even if you don’t believe it. I’ll keep tellin’ you though.”

I grinned. “We do have forever, right?”

I felt Riley’s shoulders lift in half a laugh. “Always.”