Chapter 21

Becks stumbledaway from me with the most heartbreakingly haunted look on his face. He scooted back on his ass, getting farther and farther, until he was almost touching the blood staining our fucking carpet.

I went to crawl forward, but he shook his head. It hurt. It hurt so fuckin’ much. Becks always wanted my touch. Still, I stopped moving.

“Beckett,” I whispered, my voice more whiney than I wanted. Why didn’t he want me close? Was it because I lied to him? Was he mad at me?

“Please. Please don’t touch me.”

I blinked rapidly to keep the tears from falling. I needed to be here for Becks in any way he’d let me, even if it was killing me inside.

“I-I won’t, baby. I’m sorry. I’m so fuckin’ sorry.”

He started to shake his head again. It was freaking me out. The left side of his face was bruising fast and there was a glazed look to his eyes, like he wasn’t all the way present. It looked like Dad had gotten at least one good hit on the side of his head, and who knew what else I’d missed? It probably hurt like a motherfucker for him to keep shaking like that.

“I-I don’t wanna hurt you,” he finally whispered, as he looked down at his bloody hands.

It suddenly clicked. I was such a selfish asshole. Here I was, worried he was mad at me when he was just scared. I had no doubt he would be pissed eventually, but it wasn’t important now. I needed to show him he’d never hurt me, that I wasn’t scared of him no matter what.

“You won’t, Becks.”

He kept staring at his hands. Fuck. I needed to get him cleaned up, but I was afraid to leave. Jay had just left with Dad, and if I wasn’t in Becks’s line of sight, who the fuck knew what he would do? I couldn’t risk him trying to run.

“I-I don’t remember. I just blacked out. I-I could do that to you. I can’t hurt you, butterfly. I can’t risk it.”

My head buzzed with panic. All I wanted to do was jump across the space between us, wrap myself around him, and never let him go until he came to his senses. I gripped my other wrist and let my nails bite into the skin. It was the only way I could keep myself still.

“You won’t hurt me, Becks. I trust you.”

He looked up at me, his face so fuckin’ vulnerable. I scratched down my arm, letting the pain take over so I could focus on my Becks.

“H-how do you know? I-I could’ve killed him.”

I couldn’t take it anymore. I crawled one step closer to him. He scooted back.

“Baby, please stop. Y-you’re in the blood.”

Beckett’s head whipped around, and he realized he was sitting right where Dad had been. There wasn’t a lot of it. It wasn’t like a giant puddle or anything. But there was enough.

He half-rolled, half-crawled out. “Oh fuck.” And then he started to dry heave.

I wasn’t waiting anymore. I crawled until I was next to him. He tried to flinch away when I touched his face, but I wouldn’t let him.

“Beckett, look at me, baby.”

He shook his head. “No. I-I can’t.”

“You can. Please, Becks. Look at me. It’s your butterfly. You and me forever, right?”

He tilted his head but wasn’t looking directly at me.

“That’s it. Please, Becks, I trust you. I know you won’t hurt me. I bring you back, remember?”

He sucked in a breath before he collapsed into my arms with deep, heart-wrenching sobs.

“Shh. You’re okay. I got you. I’m not scared of you. I’d never be scared of you.”

Beckett continued to cry for a long ass time. I wanted so desperately to go get him cleaned up, but I knew he needed this. He never cried. Ever.

Finally, his shoulders stopped heaving and all his body weight rested on mine. It was perfect.

I waited a few more minutes, and just held him tight as I ran my fingers through his hair.

“Becks, can we go get you cleaned up please? I wanna look at some of these.”

He nodded into my chest. I had to practically hold most of his body weight as I helped into the bathroom, which wasn’t fuckin’ easy, but I somehow managed it. I sat him on the toilet bowl and dug under the sink for the first-aid kit. That was something we always made sure was stocked up, even when we were broke. It was cheaper than having to go to the doctor, and we needed this shit way too often.

Luckily, I didn’t think anything was broken. I was still worried about a concussion, but I’d just have to keep an eye on him. I grabbed our bottle of pills that we still had left over from last time Jay had restocked us from the tissue box we’d hidden them in so Dad couldn’t find them and grabbed out a handful, a couple for pain and a couple more for the anxiety I knew he was battling.

Becks didn’t even look at me as he took them and swallowed them dry, staring at nothing behind my shoulder.

He didn’t say much to me while I cleaned him up. It wasn’t until we got back to the bedroom and I started to help him out of his messed-up clothes that he started to talk.

“You went lookin’ for him.” It wasn’t a question. I couldn’t believe I’d forgotten about the fuckin’ tracking.

I flinched and looked up at him from where I was digging in the dresser for a new shirt. “Yeah. I’m so sorry I lied to you, Becks. I just didn’t know what else to do.”

He was standing there shirtless, all his tattoos and scars on display. Any other time, it would be a total thirst trap when he looked like that, but now all I felt was terror.

“Did you talk to him?”

I bit my lip. I didn’t really want to get into this now, but I couldn’t see a way around it. “No. But he did see me.” I gave Becks the most basic rundown, hoping not to stress him out even more.

Becks’s eyes widened, the fear obvious. “Riley! Fuckin’ Christ! He saw you? Did he recognize you? He’s fuckin’ dangerous. I don’t want him near you. If he found out that you knew what he did . . . I just don’t understand why you’d go there? And why’d you lie? We don’t lie to each other.”

I flinched again. I was standing now, and I hugged the shirt I’d grabbed for him to my chest. I had to stop myself from sniffing it just to inhale Becks’s scent. This was all too much. I hated myself for putting us in this situation.

We just stared at each other for a really long time, tears falling down my face.

“I know I keep sayin’ it, but I am so sorry. I hated lyin’ to you. I feel disgusting. I never want to do that again. I-I just didn’t know what else to do. You kept ignorin’ it, but we can’t anymore, Becks. I can’t keep goin’ on like before, like nothin’ happened when I know what that monster did to you.”

“You shoulda never gone alone. You coulda been hurt! Do you know what I would’ve done if that fucker laid hands on you.”

I swallowed, my legs shaky under me. I needed to sit but I couldn’t bring myself to go to the bed. To go to Becks. I sat right there on the floor.

“I know . . . I wasn’t tryin’ to find him. Or at least, that wasn’t my main goal. I just— Becks, I googled him. He still works with kids all the fuckin’ time. I had to tell someone.”

“That was my fuckin’ story to tell, Riley. Mine, not yours.”

“I-I know. Fuck, I know. But I didn’t tell her nothin’ about you. Or anything really. Just told her to not let him alone with kids. It’s not enough. I wish I could’ve done more, but I just felt so desperate.”

When Becks was still silent, I kept talkin’. I needed to fix this somehow. “I screwed up. I shoulda talked to you about it. But every time I tried, you shut me down. He’s working with kids, baby. I had to do somethin’.”

Becks deflated and collapsed back onto the bed. I started to cry when he held out his arms for me. I’d never moved so fast in my entire fuckin’ life.

“Sorry,” I mumbled when he winced.

“It’s fine. I think I might have a bruised rib or somethin’. I don’t even remember the fucker gettin” me there though.”

I nuzzled against his check. “I’m sorry I went behind your back, Beckett.”

He sighed and kissed the top of my head. “I know you are. I’m still a little pissed but I get it. I wasn”t makin’ it easy on you. I’m just so fuckin’ scared for you. This was never supposed to be your issue.”

“I’m a little scared too, but we’re a team. I don’t mind sharin’ the burden. I just went about it the wrong way.”

“I get it. I’m kinda relieved honestly. I shoulda said somethin’ years ago. I just wish he didn’t fuckin’ see you. What’re we gonna do?”

“I don’t know. But I got the impression he did give a shit about me knowin’. I think he knows he still has the upper hand.”

“I know I can’t just ignore this no more. But . . . not tonight. I’m too tired.”

I nuzzled him. “Rest, Becks. We can worry about the rest later.

Beckett didn’t say anything but held me tighter, and that was fine. He might’ve still been annoyed, but he didn’t hate me and he wasn’t pushing me away.

The mood shift was tangible. One minute, we were just cuddling, taking comfort from each other, and the next, Becks’s hands started to slide up and down my body and then eventually began drifting lower and lower. I shifted on his lap, and it was impossible to ignore his ever-growing bulge. I started to subtly grind against it because I had no fuckin’ shame.

“Butterfly?”

“Yeah?”

“Can you— Um, I need you, please.”

I ran my lips along his neck, and allowed them to drag along the skin.

“You have me, baby.”

“No, I mean, I need you to take me. I need you inside me, butterfly.”

My head whipped up so I could look Becks in the eye. Was he fuckin’ serious? We hadn’t even discussed anal or anal play yet. That had seemed like such a far-off possibility or maybe even a hard limit. Sure, it was something I’d fantasized about, but I’d never brought it up and never really planned to. Becks hadn’t even been able to get a blow job yet, so this took me way the fuck off guard.

We just stared at each other, but he seemed more sure of himself than I’d ever seen him. StilI, I was at war with myself. A lot had happened today, and I wasn’t sure if he was in the right headspace for this.

“Becks, baby, are you sure? We can wait.”

“No. I need you, Ri. I just—after everything today, my mind is a mess. I keep seein’ Dad on the ground and then Mr. Chase, and . . . I need to forget them. Please make me forget.”