Chapter 19

My stomach churnedwith guilt and nerves, and I had a hard time keeping down my breakfast. I had been standing in front of the shelter for fifteen minutes now, as I tried to work up the courage to go inside.

I told Becks I had picked up a double shift, and although he’d bitched about me working too much, he’d eventually given in since we needed the money. I fucking hated lying to him. We never lied to each other. Ever. But I had to do this, and I didn’t know any other way.

It had been nearly a month since Beckett’s panic attack, and like usual, we were ignoring the issue. Life had just been moving on. Becks worked his two jobs, and I took as many shifts as I could at the restaurant. Some of the customers sucked, but my boss was cool and I got along well enough with the rest of the staff to deal. Plus, I was making A LOT of money. If it kept up at this pace, I could probably pay my tuition without Becks contributing at all. It was an amazing feeling.

But there was still this elephant in the room. I knew it was haunting Becks. I could see it in his eyes when he thought I wasn’t paying attention. Even when we were together—you know, together—I still saw him freeze sometimes from thinking about it. We hadn’t done anything more than we’d already tried: a whole lotta kissing and shared orgasms and that was it. I didn’t mind at all, of course, but I hated how guilty Beckett looked when he stopped things.

We couldn’t just keep ignoring this. Every time I tried to bring up the panic attack or the thing that caused it, Beckett brushed me aside, and told me we’d talk about it later. Or he’d distract me with kisses once he discovered that always worked.

But in the meantime, Mr. Chase was still out there doing God knew what. I looked him up. He still had an active practice. He also volunteered at shelters, churches, and other organizations meant to help at risk youth. I’d thrown up when I saw pictures of the fuckin’ monster surrounded by kids as article after article praised how amazing he was. This was bigger than just Beckett, and if he wasn’t ready to deal with it, I’d have to take matters in my own hand, even if I felt like scum for doing it.

I considered going to the cops, but what would be the point? It was he said, he said, and without Becks there to tell his story, I wasn’t sure what they could do.

That was how I ended up in front of the shelter Jay had said they were at when this happened. I didn’t know what I would do when I got in there, just knew I had to do something.

I took a deep breath and steeled myself. I could do this. I walked up to the entrance of the building.

“Hi, can I help you?” a woman called out to me as I walked into the lobby. It was in between mealtimes so it was pretty quiet in there. It looked like mostly volunteers cleaning up and preparing for the next rush.

She waited for an answer, but I just scanned the place, looking for him. I wasn’t sure if I actually wanted to see him or not. What would I do if I did? I was afraid I’d kill him on sight, end up in jail, and leave Beckett alone.

“Excuse me, sir? Are you alright?” I blinked back to life and turned to the woman.

“I, uh.” Shit, get it together, Ri. You’re here and lying to Beckett. Make it worth it.

She raised an eyebrow, and I wondered what she thought of me. Probably that I was on drugs or something.

“Sorry, I’m not really sure what to do.”

Her face softened. “Do you need help, sweetie?”

Help? Oh, like, she thought I needed to stay here. It brought me back to the times Becks and I had stayed at places like this. Not this one, we usually tried to go to the youth only shelters, but they all looked the same.

“Oh, no. I’m good. I have a place to stay. An apartment.” I was a fuckin’ idiot.

I opened my mouth to come up with something to save me from my growing embarrassment when my phone started ringing. Beckett. My hands shook as I ignored the call and looked back at the woman who seemed like she was pretty close to calling security on me. But she had to have seen crazier than me, right?

What was I doing? Why was I here? This was...dumb. What was I going to accomplish by lying to Becks and doing this? This was wrong. He was going to be devastated.

“Sweetie, you can’t just hang in the lobby here. If you need help, come on in and we’ll see what we can do. If not, I’m gonna have to ask you to leave.”

I wrapped my arms around myself. Why was it so hot in here? I could barely breathe.

“Um, there’s someone who works here. Well, volunteers here. He, um, don’t let him around the kids alone, please.” Fuck, I sounded so . . . pathetic.

But the woman turned serious immediately. “Who are you talking about? Do you know something? We take things like that very seriously around here.”

I took a deep breath. “I-I can’t say much. I don’t really know much. But Mr. Chase, he volunteers here sometimes?” An understanding seemed to dawn on her face. I wondered if she was remembering Becks’s panic attack from a few weeks ago.

“He does.”

“I know you need proof and shit. I don’t got that. But please, just watch him. Don’t let him talk to kids alone. He shouldn’t be with them. Boys especially. I-I don’t know about girls. But, just please?”

“Sweetie, if you’re implying what I think you are, we need to go to the police.”

I shook my head. “No! No, it’s, uh. I can’t. I can’t do that. Just please, I don’t want him hurtin’ anyone else.”

“Hi, Denise. I know I’m a little early today, but I got a couple things I need to set up.”

I turned at the voice and came face-to-face with Mr. Chase for the first time in fifteen years. Our eyes met, and I knew he recognized me from the cold glint of disdain in his expression. He looked me up and down, judging me, and I could tell that he knew I knew what he’d done.

He turned toward the woman, Denise, with a smile on his face like he didn’t have a care in the world. I just stood there. I felt like I’d gotten shot in chest. He assessed the threat and then dismissed me. He knew there was shit I could do.

I needed a weapon. I wished I had my knife on me, but I left it under the pillow on our bed these days. If I had it, I could end this right now. Bury it in this fucker’s neck and end everyone’s suffering.

I scrubbed my face. Fuck, what was wrong with me? I didn’t have thoughts like that ever. But for Beckett, I’d burn the world down. Probably good I didn’t have it, so I didn’t do anything stupid.

My phone rang again, this time Jay. Fuck, not good. I looked at Denise. The poor woman didn’t seem to know what to do. “Remember what I said.” Then I ran out of the shelter.

The ringing stopped and started up immediately again.

“Hello?”

“Thank fuck. Finally,” he snapped urgently. “We know you’re not at work. You have the share my location feature on your phone for Becks, remember?” All the color drained from my face. No, I’d totally forgotten that.

“Listen, I can explain . . .”

“I don’t care right now. You can tell Becks yourself later. You need to get back here, now.”

I was shaking before I even asked. That was when I realized I could hear screaming in the background. Was that fuckin’ glass breaking? I started sprinting. I’d taken the bus here, but I didn’t have time now. I had to fuckin’ run.

“Jay! What the fuck is happenin’?”

“Your dad is here. Becks told me not to call you, but he’s—it’s not going well. I’m two minutes from callin’ the police, kid. The asshole locked me out of the apartment to keep me from gettin” involved and my key is inside. I can break down this piece of shit door, but I don’t wanna cause more property damage than they already have.”

“Fuck. Just . . . if it sounds like they’re killin’ each other, do what you gotta do. I’m on my way.”

I hung up before he could say anything and clicked into another gear. Why couldn’t we ever catch a fuckin’ break?