Chapter 17

I grippedthe edge of the bar to keep my hands from shaking. I could do this. I’d been working at this same damn bar for nearly 10 years now. I wasn’t gonna let the bastard take this away from me.

“You can take a couple more days if you need it, kid.” I eyed Walter from where he was washing some glasses. The fact that he was here tonight said a lot. He rarely came in anymore, especially when I was working. He knew I could run this shit on my own and trusted that.

He clearly couldn’t now. “I’m fine, Walter. You don’t have to be here. I know you don’t like bein’ here no more.”

He shrugged. “I don’t mind stopping in every once in a while. Plus, it’s you, kid. I worry about you.”

I shrugged, refusing to look at him. Jay was here too, of course. Because I clearly needed all the fuckin’ babysitters. Riley had also texted me no less than 5 times just to check in. I got they were worried, but I needed everyone to back the fuck off a bit. Though, as much as I hated to admit it, maybe Ri was right. I got through the factory okay, but the bar was a different matter. As ridiculous as it seemed, I kept checking the door, expecting Mr. Chase to walk in. I didn’t know why I thought he’d come here, but I never thought I’d see him at a homeless shelter either, so yeah. Logic didn’t apply.

“There’s nothin’ to worry about. I’m sorry I had to take all that time off. It won’t happen again.” I wished I could really mean that.

Walter huffed. “You know I don’t give a fuck about that. I just wish you would tell me what was wrong so I can fix it.”

My shoulders stiffened, and I had to squeeze my eyes shut to keep the memories from barging in.

“There’s nothing to fix,” I said way colder than Walter deserved.

“If you say so,” he replied easily. “I’m gonna go in the back and get some paperwork done. You know where to find me if you need me.”

Somehow, I was able to relax a little once Walter wasn’t breathing down my neck. I knew he meant nothing by it. He’d always been good to me, especially when I was a kid and fuckin’ desperate. But him being there made me feel like a failure. Bad enough I had to go meet with an HR rep who swore they weren’t a therapist at the factory to make sure I was sane enough to work the machines. I didn’t need Walter watching me too. I could run this bar with my eyes fuckin’ closed. And if I kept checking the front door a little more than usual, so what? It wasn’t hurting nobody.

When there were customers, I was fine. The minute I had a lull, I started to watch the door again. It was like I couldn’t take my fuckin’ eyes off it.

“Hey, are you good?” I blinked up at Jay, who had slid onto one of the barstools. He had been in a booth in the back, working on some shit that needed to be taken care of with his mom.

“Yeah, I’m fine. You don’t have to stay here, you know.”

Jay glared at me, making it crystal fuckin’ clear he had no plans of going anywhere. I put my hands up in surrender.

“Fine. Stay and be bored outta your fuckin’ mind. Are you reportin’ back to Riley too?”

Jay grinned, unaffected by my shitty attitude. “Yup. He’s pissed you ignored his last text.”

“I can only tell him I’m fine and not to get himself fired on his first day so many times.”

Jay shifted, suddenly looked nervous. “Also, I won’t be bored. I, um, invited someone to meet me here.”

Huh? Who the fuck did Jay know besides Ri and me? “You did? Who?”

Jay’s cheeks heated up. Okay, this was weird as fuck. “Um, Dakota.”

I stared at him. “Who?”

“Dakota. Um, the nurse from the hospital. Remember?”

Oh yeah. He was kinda a dick to Ri and me, but it was cause he was protecting Jay so I couldn’t even be pissed. Still, it was fuckin’ weird that Jay was trying hang out with him. I didn’t even know he had his number.

“I didn’t realize you’ve still been talkin’.”

Jay shrugged. “I don’t know. He was really nice to me when Mom was in a coma, made sure I ate and shit. He texted me yesterday, just to check on me, and we’ve been talkin’ a lot since then.”

I narrowed my eyes. This was different. “Do you like him, Jay?”

I’d never known Jay to actually like someone. Fuck people, sure. All the fuckin’ time. But he never texted them outside the meet me at 10 shit, and he never invited them to hang with him during babysitting’ duty.

He shrugged. “Nah. Or, well, I don’t know. He’s not bad to look at though. And it’s kinda nice havin’ someone to just talk about random shit with besides you and Ri.” His eyes widened in horror. “Not that you two aren’t enough. I love both you little shits. It’s just—”

I squeezed his wrist, to stop the spewing. “It’s fine, man. You’re allowed to have friends outside us. Or even more than friends. As long as he treats you right and isn’t a total dick, I’m good.”

Jay smiled softly, which was weird. I’d never seen Jay smile like that. “He’s been great. It’s just hard to tell if I’m just lonely and latched on the first available person or if it’s actually Dakota that’s makin’ me feel this way.”

I grabbed a glass and poured Jay a drink. He fuckin’ needed it. “I get that, man. I’ve been thinkin’ about that a lot after Ri and me, you know . . .”

Jay grinned and waggled his eyebrows. “Oh, I do know,” he replied suggestively.

I threw a rag at him. “Fuck off. All I’m sayin’ is I’m wonderin’ if my change in feelings for Riley is real or if it’s just cause I can’t imagine feelin’ safe with anyone else. He’s my person. He always fuckin’ has been. But is that the same thing?”

“I don’t know. But you and Ri make fuckin’ sense. I saw it comin’ a mile away.”

“You don’t think we’re just trauma bonded or somethin’?”

Jay laughed. “Now you sound like Riley. And maybe? Nothin’ about your childhood was normal. Y’all were forced to rely on each other for everything since you were way too little to have those responsibilities. It gave you two a bond beyond what most people will ever have. Would other people say it’s weird? Most likely. Would a therapist tell you it’s unhealthy? Maybe. But fuck all them. They’re not you. They didn’t experience what y’all did. And they have no right to tell you how you deal with that shit. Like I already said, you ain’t hurtin’ no one. It’s consensual. No one will ever love and take care of you the way Riley will, and the same goes the other way. Besides, if either of you tried to find someone else, pretty sure the other one would end up with a murder charge. You’re both fuckin’ possessive.”

I scowled but secretly felt relieved. I didn’t give a fuck what anyone else though besides Jay anyway.

The bell attached to the front door chimed and I nearly jumped out of my fuckin’ skin. I tried to hide it, but the way Jay was eyeing me said I was shit at it. It wasn’t Mr. Chase though. It was the nurse from the hospital, Dakota.

He saw me first and his eyes narrowed in annoyance. Then he saw Jay and he completely lit up.

“I guess you didn’t tell him why we weren’t at the hospital,” I whispered as he walked up. It was the only reason I could see why he seemed constantly pissed at me.

“Nah. It’s not really my place to share that with other people, man. I told him you couldn’t help it, but yeah.”

Dakota’s smile was huge and all for Jay as he walked up to him. Jay looked a little more apprehensive, eyes flashing between Dakota and me, but when I gave him a little nod, to let him know I was good, Jay’s whole fuckin’ demeaner changed. He jumped off the stool and shocked the shit outta me by hugging the guy.

“Hi, darling, how are you doing?” Dakota asked. He wasn’t talking loudly, but I shamelessly leaned against the bar and to listen in, so I heard him. Darling? What the fuck did I miss that they were already so close he was using pet names with him.

Jay flushed. “I’m good. Thanks for comin’ here. I know it’s a bit of a dive.” Both of their eyes flashed to me. I gave a little wave, as my best friend to glare at me.

“I don’t mind a good dive bar. Thanks for inviting me.”

He took Jay’s hand and squeezed it in a way that seemed way too close for people who barely knew each other, but who the fuck was I to judge?

They both sat down, and there was a solid two minutes of awkward silence. I tried to busy myself at the bar, but I could feel Dakota’s eyes boring into me. Poor Jay just seemed uncomfortable. He looked back and forth at each of us and was fidgeting’ so fuckin’ much, I was afraid he’d knock over the stool. I sighed. I was gonna have to be the bigger man, wasn’t I? I hated that.

I walked over and leaned against the bar, grabbing the sides, mainly so I had something to do with my hands.

“Listen, I know I said it before, but I appreciate you bein’ there for Jay. I know it really meant a lot to him.”

Dakota grunted but didn’t say anything else. Okay, then. “I also can see that somethin’ is happenin’ here, which is good. Jay needs someone besides Riley and me.”

“Clearly.”

“Dakota,” Jay hissed. “Seriously?”

But I just grinned. I liked this guy. He didn’t fuckin’ know me. Hell, he barely knew Jay. Yet he was already willing to go to bat for him.

“It’s fine, Jay. Listen, I know you don’t like me, and that’s fine. But it looks like you wanna be part of Jay’s life and I ain’t goin’ anywhere, so can we at least be civil?”

“I am being civil. I know it’s none of my business where you were or why you didn’t come once while his mom was in a coma. Jay made that clear to me. I’m the outsider here. I get that. But you’re right that I do care about Jay, even in this short time, and I’d like to think he has someone in his corner. He says he does, but I’m having a hard time reconciling everything he did tell me about you with what I saw.”

I squeezed the bar. “I had a panic attack.”

Dakota frowned. “Huh?”

“Right before everything with his mom, well, durin’ I guess. We were lookin’ for her when it happened. I had a bad panic attack. And then, I-I don’t know the real term for it, but I blacked out. For days, I couldn’t leave bed. I couldn’t fuckin’ move or open my eyes most of the time. And when I did, it was cause I’d had a nightmare and usually ended up pukin’ my guts out before goin’ zombie again. I needed Riley to literally lie on me to keep me from crawlin’ out of my own damn skin. I feel like shit that I missed everything with Jay. He’s always been there for me, and my own fucked-up shit kept me from bein’ the friend I should have been, and Riley couldn’t leave me alone because he couldn’t trust that I wouldn’t try to kill myself if he did. Which is a real fuckin’ fear. So yeah, I’m a shitty friend. I know that. Jay deserves someone better than me. But I’m all he has and like I said, I ain’t going nowhere. I’ll do anything to make up for not bein’ there when he needed me most. If that means toleratin’ you, then I’ll do that. I hope you can do the same for me.”

I pushed away from the bar and stormed to the back before he could respond. I needed fuckin’ air. Everything was closing in on me, and I needed to get away.

“I-I’m taking 10,” I yelled in Walter’s general direction before pushing through the back door and into the alley.

Once I was out, I slumped against the wall, my hands on my knees. Even though the place smelled like garbage and booze, I could finally get air in my lungs. Fuck. I’d never said any of that stuff out loud before. There was no need. Riley and Jay were usually the ones takin’ care of me when that shit happened so I didn’t have to explain it. It fucking sucked. But I could see Dakota cared about Jay, even if they’d just met, and he needed someone solely on his side. Because as much as I loved Jay and would do anything for him, Riley would always come first, and nothing would change that. Maybe there was a chance Dakota could be that person for him. He already knew about Jay’s fucked-up family and wasn’t running.

The door to the back opened. “I’m fine, Jay. Go back to your boyfriend. I’ll be there in a minute.”

“It’s not Jay. And I’m not his boyfriend. At least not yet.”

I pushed off the wall as Dakota walked out and into the alley.

“You really shouldn’t be out here. This ain’t the safest area.”

He snorted. “I’ll take my chances.”

“Did Jay send you out here?” It didn’t seem likely, but what did I know? “I really am fine. I just need a minute.”

“No, he didn’t. I came out here to apologize.”

I narrowed my eyes at him. This guy confused the fuck outta me. “For what?”

“For judging you without knowing the whole story. For forcing you to tell me something personal about you that I really had no business knowing just to make things easier on your friend. You didn’t have to do that. I made assumptions I never should have made and acted on those. It’s something I try hard not to do, especially in my profession, and I did it to you and your brother.”

I shrugged and ran my hands through my hair to try and stop the shaking. “It’s fine, man. You ain’t the first one to do it and you won’t be the last. Listen, Jay needs someone in his corner. If that’s you, then I’ll do what I can to make things easier. If you stick around, you’ll figure out how fucked up I am quick enough anyway. Now you just know what to expect.”

Dakota shot me a dirty look. “You’re not fucked up because you have panic attacks or depressive episodes or anything else. Don’t say shit like that. It’s offensive.”

A laugh escaped me unexpectedly. “How’s it offensive if I’m sayin’ it about myself?”

Dakota pursed his lips. “Would you say that about Jay or your brother if they were struggling?”

“Fuck that. They’re not fucked up.” I refused to look at the double standard. “Is this why you came out here? To give me a psychology lesson?”

Dakota huffed. “No, I came out here to make a truce. You’re right. I do care about Jay. I’m not sure if Jay even realized it, but I remembered him from previous times his mom was admitted in the hospital, and I won’t lie, I had my eye on him but never approached him outside a professional conversation. This time, he just looked so lost and alone. I want us to be more, and from how often Jay talks about you and your brother, I have a feeling I’ll be around you a lot. I don’t want to make things harder on him than we have to.”

Dakota held out his hand to shake but I hesitated. “Riley is my stepbrother. We’re not related.”

He blinked. “Okay . . .”

“I’m just sayin’ this because if you’re gonna be around, you need to know. Ri and I, we’re . . . well, I don’t know what the fuck we are yet, but we’re explorin’ our feelings for each other and it’s not as brothers, if you get my meanin’.”

“You know you don’t have to spill your whole life to me, right?”

I grimaced. “I do if you’re gonna be an asshole about it. I don’t care about me, but if you make Riley feel bad or like he’s a freak or disgustin’, I will have a fuckin’ issue. Whether or not you have feelings for Jay.”

“Riley’s a consenting adult, right? Nobody was forced?”

I fisted my hands, my nails diggin’ into the skin. I was probably gonna bleed. “Of course nobody was forced. I’d never do that to Riley. He looks young, but he’s an adult.” It was a normal question. He wasn’t accusing me of anything, and after takin’ a breath and calmin’ myself, I was able to realize that.

Dakota put his hands up in a truce. “Sorry. That came out wrong. All I meant was as long as everyone is an adult and consenting, I don’t give a fuck. You’re not hurting anyone. I promise I won’t make Riley feel like crap for it. Whatever you guys decide you are to each other. “

“We’re everything. I don’t think I need another label than that.”

Dakota looked up, squinting, like he could see something in this alley besides dumpsters and dirt. “That’s fair.” He held out his hand again. “So truce?”

I tipped my lips up in half a smile. “Truce.” We shook hands and then Dakota went inside. I took another minute and followed him in.