Chapter 14

My eyes flutteredopen and I was face-to-face with a sleeping Riley. His lips were puckered in a pout and slightly open. The most adorable little sounds were coming out of his mouth, and I just sat there and watched him sleep, completely mesmerized. Could he really be mine? Just mine? Would there really never be a time where some other fucker tried to take him away from me? It seemed so wild to believe it could be true. But if this last week had taught me anything, it was to not hold back or waste chances. Whatever was going on between us, I’d never figure it out if I didn’t try.

Something shifted behind me, and a weight pressed against my back. I froze, and panic threatened to creep up. A tattooed covered arm flopped across my chest, and I relaxed when I saw the skeletal bones piece covering the hand. Jay.

I twisted my head to look at my best friend. His eyes were scrunched together tight and his breath was a little labored. He wasn’t sleeping easy like Riley was. I wished there were more I could do for him. I wasn’t there for him all week, and that nurse, Dakota, clearly had opinions about that too. Not that I blamed him. Jay had always had my fuckin’ back, and the one time he’d needed me, I wasn’t there. No matter the reason, I felt like a pile of shit.

Jay’s eyes fluttered opened. For a moment, there was just calm in his chocolate-brown eyes, and then it all hit him. I squeezed his arm in support.

It took him another second to realize he was basically spooning me. He tried to jerk away, but I held him where he was. “You don’t need to move if you don’t wanna.”

Jay’s nose wrinkled. “I love you, man, but not like that.”

I pushed at his shoulder. “Fuck off. You know I don’t mean it like that. Ain’t nothin’ wrong with cuddlin’ if ya need to.”

He snorted. “Maybe after I brush my teeth.” He pushed away from me, and this time I let him. I watched as he stumbled out of the bedroom and to the bathroom. He had a toothbrush and all his shower shit here, so he’d be okay.

I rolled onto my back, trying to decide what to do. Jay was shutting down.

“Is he okay?” I turned toward Riley’s sweet voice. He was still on his side, watching me with his big blue eyes. The way he was looking at me now, like he had all the trust in the world in me, settled me. We’d be okay no matter what happened.

I pushed his floppy hair outta his face. “I don’t know.”

Riley just nodded and closed his eyes. I heard the bathroom door open again, but Jay didn’t come back into the room. Fuckin’ A. I kissed the top of Ri’s head. “I’ll be right back.”

He nodded and wrapped the blankets around him. He understood I needed to talk to Jay alone.

I found him sitting on our couch, putting his boots on. “Where the fuck’re you going?”

He looked up. “Home.”

“You are home.”

He snorted. “I mean my apartment.”

I walked over to him and sat on the coffee table in front of him. I hoped the cheap thing wouldn’t break. “Jay, you don’t gotta leave. You know you can stay here. This is your home too, man.”

He finished tying up his boots and sighed. “I can’t stay here. You and Ri got enough crap goin’ on. You don’t need me addin’ to it.”

“Bullshit. I know I wasn’t there for you this week, and I’ll never make up for that, but it don’t mean you have to do this on your own.”

“You don’t gotta make up for anything. I get it. That’s why I gotta leave though. I can’t be throwin’ my problems on top of yours too.”

“We’re like brothers, Jay. That’s what we do.”

“I’ll be fine. I got a lotta stuff I gotta do anyway. I need to talk to the landlord and figure out this hospital bullshit.”

“So we go together.” I looked up at the sound of Ri’s voice. He was leaning against the doorframe in nothing but those low-hanging gray sweatpants. My gaze lingered a little too long before it snapped to his face. Were those always so see-through?

“You got your interview today, Ri. I’m fine,” Jay said dismissively as he stood. “I’m seriously fine. She was a shitty fuckin’ mother. It’s not like there was any love lost between us. I’m good.”

Except, he wasn’t.

I casually shifted so I was standing in front of the door. I wouldn’t actually force him to stay if he really wanted to leave, but I had a feeling that wasn’t the case. We just had to prove we wanted him here.

Annoyance flared in Jay’s eyes. “Move the fuck outta the way, Beckett.”

I leaned against the door and crossed my arms. “I’m good right here.”

He shoved my chest. “I said move!”

“And I said no. You tell me why you’re really leavin’ and maybe I’ll let you go. But maybe not.”

“Jay, please,” Riley said, as he walked up behind us. “It’s okay to be sad.”

Jay snorted. “Why? Why should I be sad? I should be fuckin’ elated I don’t have to deal with the crap anymore. Maybe I can finally get out of this fuckin’ hellhole now.”

“She’s still your mother, man. I get it. Trust me, I do. But no matter what, she’s still your mom. You get to be sad, or mad, or fucking happy. Whatever you’re feelin’, it’s okay. But fuckin’ feel it. Don’t shut down on me,” I snapped.

Jay huffed and shoved at me again. “That’s fuckin’ rich comin’ from you.”

“True. But that just means I understand how much you want to just shut it all down because feelin’ numb is better than the pain, right?”

Jay didn’t answer but he backed up a little. “Sure, so for a bit, it might feel better, but it only works for so long before the pain is back, and it’s been bottled up for so fuckin’ long, when it comes back to the surface, it’s impossible to keep down and explodes. And that’s when it hurts everyone around you. That’s when you end up lyin’ in bed for fuckin’ days, not remembering a minute of it because you held it in for so long. That’s when you end up bleeding in the fucking tub because you just can’t take it anymore. Please, Jay. Please, trust me. Just fuckin’ stay.”

I caught Riley’s eye from where he’s still standing behind Jay. They were wide and full of tears. The way he was looking at me now . . . it was breaking my fuckin’ heart. I couldn’t tell if it was because he remembered the day he’d found me just like that, or because of Jay, or a little of both. Regardless, I wanted to wrap him in my arms and keep him safe from everything. But then Jay’s choked cry reminded me what was most important, and I grabbed him before he crumbled to the floor.

“She’s dead, Beck. She’s fuckin’ dead.”

My arms wrapped tightly around Jay as I eased us both down to the ground. I smiled as Riley knelt on the other side of him, rubbing his shoulder.

“I know, Jay. I’m so sorry.”

“I’m just so goddamn angry. After all that, everything she put me through, she just died and left me? How dare she take the easy way out and fuckin’ die!”

I wasn’t sure there was anything easy about his mother’s death, but I sure as fuck wasn’t gonna say that. Jay’s heaving sobs were killing me as he buried himself in my chest. I held him as tight as I fuckin’ could, unsure what else to do. Ri and I weren’t the best people to handle this, but we were the only ones he had, and I wasn’t going to let him down.

I met Riley’s eyes over Jay’s head. Tears streamed down his face. Seeing him like that, all the emotions, made the memory of Mom’s death come roaring back so quickly, it took my breath away. With one arm tightly wrapped around Jay, I twisted my hand up and offered it to Riley, who squeezed it immediately.

“Shh, let it all out,” I told both of them. “It’s okay. I’m right here.”

Ri made a choking sound that broke me right there on the fuckin’ spot. I pushed him into Jay’s back so I could hold both of them at the same time. For once, I wasn’t lost in my own fuckin’ head. I still had so much to worry about, but right now, I could focus on the only bright spots in my life.

Eventually, the crying stopped. “I’m sorry I tried to leave,” Jay mumbled. “I don’t actually want to go.”

I chuckled into their hair. “I know, man. Then don’t fuckin’ go. Whatever you gotta do to handle shit, we’ll do with you.” I eyed Riley. “Except when you go on your interview.”

He snorted, his face blotchy from crying. “So fucking pushy.” I gripped the back of his neck.

“You better fuckin’ believe it.”

Both Jay and Riley laughed, and it was like a fuckin’ weight was lifted from my shoulders. We’d be okay. I’d make sure of it.

Six hours later, we finally dragged our exhausted asses back into the house. So much crap went into dealing with a dead relative, especially when they were broke and up to their eyeballs in debt. At one point, I’d met Riley’s eyes and we’d both decided we sure as fuck weren’t doing this when Dad finally kicked the bucket. But for Jay, we hadn’t said a damn word.

The only break we’d taken was when we’d dropped Riley off at his interview. I wouldn’t lie, I had been fuckin’ skeptical. Some asshole on the fancy side of town supposedly only hired people like us? I had doubts. What did he want with us?

But the money would be so much better than what he got at the gas station plus better hours. Not to mention, no jackass named Cole trying to flirt with him. ‘Course now, he’d have rich assholes trying get in his pants, which wasn’t fuckin’ better. It pissed me off thinking about it.

Jay and I had spent the whole interview sitting on a bench outside and googling Nathan Beckham, the owner of the restaurant Fish Market Bistro. It was a stupid fuckin’ name, but apparently the new hotspot for the upscale crowd.

I hadn’t found anything suspicious by the time Riley came out beaming because he’d gotten the job. All my concerns and doubts had disappeared when I saw him. Fuck, Riley deserved to smile like that all the time.

Now, though, we were finally home. Jay shuffled right to our bedroom, exhausted. We got him set up with some water, a Pop-Tart, and a couple of sleeping pills. Within minutes, he was passed out like a damn starfish in the middle of our bed, leaving Ri and me to cuddle on the couch, not that I minded.

Ri pulled up his old laptop, which was probably the first model ever made but was somehow still kicking. He put on reruns of Grey’s Anatomy, which he knew was my favorite. I didn’t know what it was about the over-the-top drama, but I was fuckin’ addicted. Today, though, I couldn’t focus. I shoulder-bumped him, getting his attention.

“Hey, can we talk a minute, butterfly?”

He glanced at me, his expression serious before he paused the show.

“What’s up?”

“A lot has happened and we haven’t had a chance to talk about it. I’m tryin’ to see where your head is at.”

Riley swallowed hard, his Adam’s apple bouncing up and down. I became fixated on the movement, which was . . . weird.

“I don’t know where it’s at. I’m worried about Jay, I’m excited about my new job but also scared I’m gonna screw it up somehow, and I’m fuckin’ terrified for you,” he admitted. He shifted so we weren’t touching anymore, and the space between us on the couch felt like miles. He was too far. I needed to him closer.

“Terrified for me?” I asked, confused. “Why? I’m fine.”

Riley scoffed. “Wow, do you believe that load of shit?”

I didn’t have an answer to that, so I shrugged.

He sighed heavily, like I was the most frustrating person in the fuckin’ world. “Just yesterday, you were so far under, I wasn’t sure if you’d ever wake up. And I get this ain’t normal circumstances, but do you know how that feels? To lie next to you every day just wishin’ and hopin’ that you’ll wake up this time, wonderin’ if this is it, if this is the time that I don’t get you back.”

Riley popped off the couch and started pacing. I gripped the edges of the torn fabric to keep me from getting up and grabbing him. “Butterfly, I ain’t going nowhere. I’ll always come back to you.”

Ri spun around and faced me, his eyes blazin’. “Don’t you ‘butterfly’ me. We’re not brushing this under the rug.”

I stood up, annoyed. “I’m not! I was the one who asked you to talk!”

“And you immediately told me you were fine, which we both know is bullshit! What’s the point of talkin’ if you’re gonna lie to me?”

Pissed, I grabbed Riley’s arms before he could turn from me again. “I don’t fuckin’ lie to you. We don’t lie to each other ever,” I hissed, careful not to get too loud, even if there was no chance of Jay waking up.

He wrenched himself out of my grip. “Oh yeah?” Ri came back at me with the same aggressive whisper. “Look me in the fuckin’ eyes and tell me you’re fine.”

I couldn’t do that and we both knew it. I slumped back onto the couch. “Shit. I’m sorry, Ri.”

I hung my head, the shame overwhelming. I didn’t look up as Ri came to kneel in between my legs. He cupped my face and twisted in a way that forced me to look at him.

“It’s fine, Becks. I know you’re used to holding everything in, but like I told you the other day, I can help you know. Let me share the burden, please.”

Riley sounded so sincere, literally pleading with me not to withdraw from him. Everything came rushing forward: me tellin’ Jay the exact same thing only this morning like the hypocrite I was. I even remembered bits and pieces of the conversations I’d had with Riley.

“I’ll try, butterfly. I promise I’ll try.”

He rested his forehead against mine. “That’s all I can ask. And whenever you forget, I’ll just keep reminding you.”

I couldn’t help but smile at that. “I’m sure you will.”

He was so close and I was staring, but it was impossible not to. Not when he was looking at me like that.

Riley’s breath hitched, and then before I could so much as blink, he grabbed hold of my face and brought his lips to mine.