Chapter 13

I felt numb.Why did life just keep piling on? What the fuck did any of us ever do to deserve this? I felt dizzy, and every bump this bus hit caused my stomach to twist dangerously. Not that I had much in it. I had found a pack of Pop-Tarts in the back of the cabinet and split that with Becks before we rushed out, but that was all I had eaten all day. We had run out of food yesterday, and I couldn’t bring myself to leave him to buy more. Not that we had any money anyway. I was glad we both had annual passes for the bus, otherwise we’d have been walking to the fuckin’ hospital.

Beckett looked like shit. I didn’t have another way to describe it. He was partially draped over me on the bus seat, his head on my shoulder and he leaned against me. The stuff he’d told me . . . And I knew he didn’t tell me half of it. Mr. Chase . . .

I remembered him, sort of. He was always really nice, made us smile. We’d always get lollipops afterwards too. I hadn’t even realized Beckett still had a way to reach out to him until he’d come back, telling us he’d found us an apartment. Back then, I was too young to even question it. Whenever I needed something, it was Becks who got it for me. It was just fact to me: if there was a problem, Beckett would fix it. I”d never even thought, How the fuck did a 12-year-old find an apartment, even with the help of an adult? Not till it was way too late anyway.

There was just so much pressure on him. He had been a kid too. And then to know the truth of what he’d gone through . . .

He’d suffered all this time alone and didn’t tell me. Did he tell anyone? Did Jay know?

By an unspoken rule, we didn’t talk about anything he’d admitted, but we’d have to eventually. Mr. Chase was still out there and apparently working with kids. I wasn’t sure if Beckett had even made the connection yet, and he wasn’t in the place mentally for me to push. Besides, now we needed to take care of Jay. He was always there for us with all our shit. It was our turn to be there for him.

We stayed quiet for a while and I held his hand tightly. Eventually, he turned his tired eyes toward me and asked what had happened when he was out of it, so I caught him up on everything.

“I can’t believe I wasn’t there for him,” Becks murmured.

My heart clenched and I tightened my grip on his hand. I was probably hurting him, but I felt like if I lessened my hold, he’d slip right through my fingers. He was barely hanging on as it was.

“It’s not your fault. He knows that. You’ll be there for him now.”

“How do you think he’ll be?”

That was the question of the day, wasn’t it? I’d spent way too much time wondering how I’d react when we finally got that call about Dad. ‘Cause it wasn’t a matter of if, but when. Eventually, Michael Cooks’s luck would run out and he’d be found dead somewhere. I thought I’d feel mostly relieved. Finally, that boulder of a fuckin’ burden we couldn’t push off us would be gone. But I didn’t know. He was still the only Dad I’d ever known. And he was Becks’s biologically. It probably wouldn’t be as easy as it felt.

It was the same for Jay. His relationship with his mom was complicated. When she was sober, she was great, at least from what he’d said. But as he’d gotten older, she was sober less and less, and by the time I was old enough to understand what was happening, sobriety just didn’t exist for her anymore. But she was still his mom.

“I don’t know. He sounded resigned on the phone. He wasn’t cryin’ or nothin’.”

“Did you lose your job?” That question came out of nowhere and it startled me. We were talking about Jay, not that.

“Where did that come from?”

“You haven’t mentioned anything about callin’ out and you usually would’ve been at work by now.”

“I could’ve just forgotten or done it earlier.”

Beckett fixed me with a look that made me squirm.

I wished I could lie to him. I wasn’t sure Becks could handle anymore. I knew he hated himself right now. He put so much blame on himself, it was insane.

“Yes. But before you go on another fuckin’ guilt trip, I have an interview at a fancy restaurant downtown. Turns out, the owner was one of us, from our side of the tracks. The rumor is he has a soft spot for people like us. I think I have a good shot.” As long as I could make it to the interview. It was supposed to be tomorrow, but who knew if I could leave the guys alone. “Please don’t say anything but that’s amazing, Riley. You’ll do great.’”

Becks’s eyes crinkled in amusement, but he couldn’t quite muster a smile. “That’s great, Riley. You know I think you’ll do awesome. You’ll fuckin’ kick ass. They won’t know what hit ‘em.”

“Thank you.”

I smirked down at him. I wanted to kiss him, but I wasn’t sure if it would be welcomed. But Becks surprised me when he cupped the back of my neck and pecked my lips. It wasn’t much, but it was the first time he initiated it, so it meant everything.

He seemed as shocked as I was, but his expression was soft and he lay back down in my lap, so I didn’t think he was freaking out. I’d take it. I’d go as slow as he needed as long as he didn’t leave me.

“Just keep your eyes open, okay? At the interview, I mean. You know those people aren’t always what they seem.” I had forgotten about the interview after the little kiss, but yeah, okay. We could go back to that, I guessed.

I couldn’t even give him shit for being protective. Not after what he’d told me. I could see how serious he was. How much those words meant to him. Why did people keep hurting this beautiful man? Why was the universe trying to destroy my Beckett? Couldn’t they see how pure his soul was? How every wrong just ripped another piece of him away until eventually there wouldn’t be anything left? I needed to find a way to hold all those pieces together.

I ran my free hand through his hair. “I will. I promise.”

He did manage a smile at that, some of the tension drained from his shoulders. “Thank you, butterfly. I-I know I can be a lot. I just can’t lose you.”

“You won’t. And I don’t mind that you’re a lot. Not usually anyway.” That got a soft grunt out of him.

“I love you, Ri. Whatever happens, don’t ever forget that.”

My stomach fluttered which was weird. We said we loved each other all the fuckin’ time. This was no different, but my mind wasn’t as easy to convince. I wished I could ask what he meant, but I was afraid that would cause Beckett to shut down.

“I love you too.” I barely whispered the words, terrified he”d hear too much in my meaning.

His eyes went soft, but he didn’t say anything else. Which was for the best. Jay was more important now. We’d unpack whatever our shit was later.

We finally reached our stop, and all other thoughts were shelved. Jay had texted us a floor and a room number so we knew where to go when we finally arrived.

A nurse stopped us as soon as we got to the floor. “Excuse me, you can’t go back there.”

Beckett walked up to the counter, standing at his full 6’2”, and leaned against it so he was nearly in the woman’s face as his eyes blazed with determination. Some of the worry I’d been feeling for days now unfurled at seeing this side of Beckett. He wasn’t completely lost to me. My Beckett that would burn down the world to protect those he loved was still there.

“Our brother’s mother just died. He told us to come. We’re not leavin’ him here by himself.”

I could see the woman trying to do mental gymnastics to figure out Beck’s statement, but he didn’t elaborate.

“Only family can go back there,” she tried again.

“Yeah. We are family. His name is Jaylin Parks. His mother is Lydia Parks. Room 22B. Let us back.”

I could tell the nurse was unsure how to handle this. She typed something in the computer, likely to confirm the information Becks had just given her.

The nurse opened her mouth to say something else, probably to deny us again, when the doors buzzed open.

A man in scrubs with an employee badge that said ”nurse” passed through. He was maybe in his early thirties, with reddish brown hair cut short to his head. He had a mask over his face, but I could still make out the smattering of freckles on his cheeks.

“Sam, let them through. It’s fine.”

The nurse, Sam apparently, rolled her eyes. “Since when are you the boss around here, Dakota?”

“Sam, just let them through or the next time you ask me to cover your charts for you, I might be busy.”

I raised my eyebrow at Becks, who just shrugged. He didn’t know who this guy was either, but if he got us back there with Jay, he’d be my new best friend.

Sam wasn’t happy, but she buzzed us back. “You’re responsible for them,” she snapped at the nurse, Dakota. The fuck? What were we, toddlers?

Glancing at Beckett, I guessed we did look a little rough. We didn’t have time to shower after the phone call and just threw on the closest clothes we could find. Beckett’s tattoos were out in their full glory in his too tight black T-shirt that was paired with jeans that probably should’ve been retired years ago. But it wasn’t like we were gonna take time to dress fancy to go to the fuckin’ hospital.

I felt a little self-conscious, though, and wrapped my arms around myself. That was, until Beckett grabbed my hand, and gave the asshole nurse a deadly look. I grinned when she shrunk back.

“C’mon, butterfly. We need to see Jay.”

I nodded and let him lead me to Dakota, who watched us carefully but without the judgement I’d felt from the guard.

“Thank you,” Beckett said as we walked past the doors and to the main part of the hospital.

“You’re welcome. Jay needs someone now.”

I swallowed down my unease. I hated hospitals. I didn’t remember much about them from when Mom was sick, but back then, they’d smelled a little funny and the cafeteria food had hurt my stomach. Well, I didn’t know about the food, but the smell was the same. I inched a little closer to Beckett.

“You know Jay?” Becks asked a little too sharply. I tugged on his arm. This guy was our ally. He didn’t need to antagonize him.

But Dakota didn’t seem bothered. He wasn’t as tall as my brother, but he was broad. He didn’t seem like the type to take shit from anyone. “I’ve been his mother’s nurse the last few days. I’ve spent some time with him so he wasn’t alone all the time.”

I felt the unspoken dig against us so of course Beckett did too. I hoped he didn’t lose it on the guy.

Beckett flinched. “Thanks. I’m glad someone was there for him.”

I wasn’t sure who was more surprised by that, Dakota or me. But Dakota had no fuckin’ clue what Beckett had been through the last week. He had no room to judge or say anything. Luckily, he stayed quiet. He just jerked his head to a room across from the nurses’ station.

“He’s in there. I’ll give you three some privacy.”

I thanked him again and was glad Beckett was still holding my hand because my legs became really heavy all of a sudden. It felt like I was wading through pudding, making it harder and harder to get to the door and Jay.

Finally, we made it in, but it wasn’t any better in the room. Jay was in a chair in the corner. He was slumped halfway down so that his long legs were stretched all the way out. Dark circles marred his skin like he hadn’t slept in days. He was looking straight ahead and didn’t seem to notice when we walked in.

“Shit. Jay, I’m so fuckin’ sorry.” Beckett stumbled toward Jay and fell to his knees in front of him. Jay didn’t even blink.

I came and stood next to Becks, unsure what to do. I felt so helpless. Again. I was always so helpless.

“Jay, talk to me, man,” Becks practically begged.

Finally, Jay blinked, startling when he realized we were there.

“Beckett?”

“Yeah, man, it’s me.”

“She’s dead.”

“I know. I’m so fuckin’ sorry.” Jay shrugged and looked over Becks’s shoulder to the bed. It was the first time I realized that his mom was still in the room with us. Maybe I was the shittiest person, but I couldn’t look at her. I was already seeing our mom everywhere, and I knew if I looked, I’d lose it.

“It’s okay. She’s been pretty much dead for a long time. I should be over it by now.”

I came and sat on the floor by Jay’s feet and rested my head on his lap. He put his hand on my shoulder. It was tentative and a little awkward, but he didn’t stop me.

“She’s still your mom. It’s okay to be sad or feel hurt.”

Jay nodded. “Yeah. I’m not really sad though. Is that okay too?”

I glanced at Beckett but for once, his sole attention was on Jay. “Yeah, man. That’s really fuckin’ okay. There’s no wrong answer.”

“Yeah, like I always tell Becks, there’s no wrong way to cope. You’re allowed to feel how you feel.”

Jay snorted. “What article did you read that in?”

I knocked my head against his knee, even if I was smiling like a fool. He was joking That was good, right? “Whatever. Just cause I googled some articles about it, don’t make it any less true.”

Jay didn’t respond, and we all got quiet. I wasn’t sure how long we sat just like that before Jay looked at us, seeming more lost and hopeless than I’d ever seen him. “Would I be a terrible son if I asked if we could leave now?”

“Fuck that, Jay,” Beckett snapped with more heat than probably necessary, “No, you wouldn’t be. You’ve been here for days by yourself and I fuckin’ hate that I wasn’t here for you. But I’m here now, and no one will blame you for needin’ to leave.”

“Wasn’t your fault,” Jay muttered. How many times would we have to say something like that to each other? “Besides, I wasn’t alone. Dakota stayed with me.”

I looked at Beckett, who shrugged. The nurse? What was that about?

“Let’s not worry about it now. Ri, can you take Jay outta here? I’ll talk to someone to see what needs to happen now.”

“Talk to Dakota. He’ll help.”

Okay, there was a story there. One I wouldn’t be getting for a while. “C’mon, Jay. Let’s get outta here.”

“Okay.”

“Did you eat? There was a hot dog stand out front. We could get one?” I asked him, feeling this need to take care of him. I mentally calculated the cash I had left. I could manage to feed Jay though. Who knew how often he’d eaten in the last few days.

“I’m not hungry.” I looked at Beckett, but he was already in problem-solving mode.

“No worries. Let’s go.” I had to practically lift Jay out of the chair, which wasn’t easy because he was so much bigger than me, but I finally got him up and out of the room. Neither of us looked at his mom. Beckett went the opposite way to the nurses’ desk. I was about to guide Jay away when Dakota stopped us.

“Hold on a second.”

I glared. “I need to get him out of here.”

But Dakota stood his ground. “I know. But there’s paperwork and things that need to be done. If Jay wants someone else to handle it, he needs to give permission. Usually, there’s more, but I’m willing to let a few things slide.”

“Let Beckett do it, Kota. I’m so fuckin’ tired.”

Dakota’s expression softened, and there was no way I misunderstood the look that passed between them. “I know. Okay. I’ll talk to Beckett.” Dakota reached out, like he was going to touch Jay, but stopped himself. He turned and walked away, and I led Jay out of the hospital without another word.