Chapter 12

Why didit feel like I’d gotten run over by a fuckin’ truck? I groaned and made an attempt to open my eyes. Yeah, fuck that. Everything fuckin’ hurt. What had even happened?

“Becks?” my favorite voice whispered hesitantly from my left.

I turned my head toward him but still couldn’t open my eyes. My head pounded against my skull, and even the thought of that was too much.

“What happened?” I managed to whisper. Fuck, my throat was dry. “Water, please,” I croaked before he could answer my first question.

The bed dipped without a word and I immediately regretted my request. He was leaving me!

Riley was only gone for a minute, and when he got back, I managed to open my eyes enough to squint at him. He was only wearing a pair of threadbare gray sweats that hung low on his hips, and showed off all his smooth, pale skin. Fuck, he was so skinny. Was he eating enough?

Riley climbed into the bed and helped me into a half-sitting position before holding the glass to my lips. For once, I didn’t stop him from helping me. I was too weak to try. I took a few sips and then willingly swallowed the pills he gave me. I didn’t know what they were, but I trusted Ri.

“Thanks.” My throat didn’t feel like it was on fire anymore, so that was something.

“What happened?” I asked again.

Riley took the glass from me and burrowed himself in my side. He always knew exactly what I needed. I buried my face in his hair, breathing in that vanilla that he always fuckin’ smelled like no matter what.

“What do you remember?” he whispered.

Too much. “Jay and I were talkin’, and then the shelter, and maybe bits and pieces after that. How long have I been out of it?”

I feel Riley stiffen underneath me. Fuck, that bad? “Five days,” he breathed out so fuckin’ quietly, I had to strain to hear him.

Five fucking days? That . . . was not good. Then it fuckin’ hit me. “School!”

Riley twisted to look me in the eyes, already annoyed with me. I couldn’t help but grin. He was so fuckin’ adorable when he was pissed, even if I would never dare tell him that.

“Don’t you fuckin’ start, Becks. I’ve been terrified for you all week. School is the last thing on my mind.”

“But you had to drop, didn’t you?” I tried to keep the guilt out of my tone. I knew it would piss Riley off. It wasn’t like I could stop feeling guilty though. This was all my fault. I just needed to hold it together like a grown ass adult. Instead, I fuckin’ ruined everything just because I’d seen someone from my past. Pathetic.

“I didn’t drop. I put myself on an academic hold for one semester. The world won’t fuckin’ end, Becks. I swear to fuckin’ God, if you try to apologize, I will lose it. It ain’t your fault. You never let me take blame when I go into my fogs, so I won’t let you either.”

Goin’ into a fog was what we called it when Riley fell into one of his depressive episodes. There was probably a different term for it, but it wasn’t like we could afford therapy. Not that I’d go back or let him go again after Mr. Chase. Meds were whatever Jay managed to snatch for us from his sources, so we did the best we fuckin’ could and just took care of each other.

“Fine, I’ll drop it.” For now. “I’m too tired to fight anyway.”

Riley rested his head on my chest with his legs wrapped over me the way I needed. I wondered what else had happened while I was out.

“Do you wanna talk about it?” he finally asked when I was quiet for too long.

Not really, but I had to tell him something. I owed him that much. “Um, I saw Mr. Chase.”

I tried to keep my tone casual, relaxed. It wasn’t like just saying his name would bring up four years’ worth of nightmares and hell no one should ever have to go through.

Riley twisted so he could look me in the eyes. The confusion there was obvious. He didn’t know, so how could he understand.

“Mr. Chase? Our old therapist Mom had us goin’ to?”

“Y-yeah.” I closed my eyes, no longer able to look at him. The bed creaked and Riley straddled me, his legs on either side of my waist. His calloused fingers cupped my chin.

I squeezed my eyes tighter, but he was so close I could practically see him anyway. Not that I needed to be looking at him to see Riley. His breath tickled my face, our noses touching.

“Look at me, Becks.” I shook my head. No. I couldn’t do that. “Please,” he begged. “Please, Becks. For me. Open your eyes.”

His voice was soft and gentle, like he was talking to a scared animal. Which, he kinda was. Why was I so fuckin’ pathetic? This was ridiculous. It had been over ten years since I let him or anyone else touch me. Why couldn’t I get over it?

“Beckett, please.”

Fuck. I opened my eyes.

I wasn’t sure what I expected to see. Pity maybe? Disgust that I was acting like this? But of course, this was Riley, so all those blue eyes showed was love . . . and maybe a little concern.

“Talk to me, Becks. What happened? Why did seein’ Mr. Chase trigger you?”

I swallowed down the bile that threathened to come up. I could do this. I needed to do this.

“I-I just lost it. It wasn’t a big deal. I’m sorry I scared you.” There, that was enough, right?

Riley smacked my chest fuckin’ hard. “Beckett Cooks. I can’t help you if you don’t talk to me. It was a big fuckin’ deal. Stop minimizing your trauma.”

The fuck? I couldn’t help but grin at my baby brother. “Minimilazing my trauma? Another term you learned from your PhD from Google?”

He rolled his eyes, but I saw the corners of his lips tip up. “Don’t distract me.”

Oh hell. My hands found Riley’s hips, and held him in place. I should be giving him space. He might wanna run from me after he heard this. Forcing him to stay was shitty. I held tighter until I was sure he’d have bruises. Ri didn’t fight it though. He relaxed into my touch.

“Remember when you were like 7 and we were livin’ in that apartment down on Grant Street?”

Riley nodded. He might be dreading what I was about to say but he never looked away. “Yeah, it was the last place we lived with two bedrooms.” Right. I’d forgotten about that.

“I don’t know if you remember what happened after that.”

He interrupted before I could get out my thoughts. “Yeah, we were gonna get kicked out. You and Dad fought. Then two days later, you came to pick me up from school and told me you’d found a new place. You said Mr. Chase had a friend who was rentin’ out an apartment. Said he even helped Dad sign the lease. He bought us a bunch of food too. The fridge hadn’t been that full since Mom died—”

I didn’t know if it was the look on my face or if he just started to put two and two together, but Riley stopped abruptly and all the color drained from his face. I squeezed him tighter. I was a fuckin’ coward, but if he left me now, I didn’t know what I’d do.

“Beckett . . .”

I couldn’t do this. I closed my eyes again. If I was gonna finish this, I couldn’t look at him. I couldn’t see whatever emotions were about to pass over his face.

“Yeah, so turns out he wanted some payment for helpin’ us.” I couldn’t say anything else.

“Beckett. Fuck. Beckett, did he touch you?” I wanted to laugh. Sure, we could call it that. Touched. I nodded. It was all I could do. I still refused to look at my brother, who I could feel slipping away with each second that passed.

He wriggled in my hold. I needed to let him go. I couldn’t force him to stay. Not after that.

My hands went limp, and Riley moved immediately. This was it. This was the moment he realized how much of a fuckup I was and left me. I couldn’t blame him. He shoulda left my sorry ass alone years ago.

But Riley didn’t leave. Course he didn’t. He was my fuckin’ butterfly. He just lay down next to me so our bodies were against each other. He cupped my cheek and forced me to turn my head toward him.

“Becks, please, baby, look at me.” Baby? The word was enough to make me open my eyes. He’d never called me that before.

Ri’s face was red, like he’d noticed what he’d said but kept pushing through. Both our hearts were pounding so hard, it was all I could hear.

“Beckett, I’m so sorry. I’m so fucking sorry. Why didn’t you tell me?”

I shrugged. “You were seven. I didn’t even understand what was happenin’, so how could you?”

“That night, the time I found you in the bathtub”—Riley’s eyes fell to the scars on my arms that were now covered by tattoos but we both knew were there—“was that . . . ?”

I nodded. “Yeah.”

“And the scar on your face?”

“That too. That was the last time I saw him. We fought.” I wasn’t giving any other details. I couldn’t.

For a while, Riley didn’t speak. I was dying to know what was going through that big brain, but he had to process. I understood. I was just glad he hadn’t walked away.

“You don’t have nothin’ to be ashamed about, Becks. It wasn’t your fault.”

I shrugged. “Shoulda stopped it earlier.”

“Are you seriously goin’ there? You were a fuckin’ kid! If you think this is even a little bit your fault, then it’s mine too. You woulda never been in that situation if it wasn’t for me.”

Um, fuck that. I had him pinned to the bed, my hands holdin’ his face so he couldn’t move. He didn’t try to fight, just stared with big, angry eyes full of heat. “Don’t you ever dare say that bullshit again! None of this was your fault. Ever. Everything I went through, I did so you didn’t fuckin’ have to. And I’d do it again. And again. You’re everything good in this world, Riley. Everything I fuckin’ love. I woulda killed myself years ago if it wasn’t for you. You’re what keeps me alive. You. Everything that happened. All the shit. Dad. Mr. Chase. Whatever. All of it was worth it because I knew I was keepin’ you safe. You’re the best fuckin’ thing in my life, butterfly.”

Some of the anger left Riley and was replaced by something else. His pupils dilated and his lips parted. He took a breath and was suddenly back to normal. “And none of it was yours. All that you said, it goes both ways. You’re my everything, Becks. Always fuckin’ have been. It just started to change meanin’ as we got older. But I won’t sit here and let you put this all on yourself. Either we both share blame on all that happened when we were kids or neither of us do. Place the blame where it should be, baby.”

I collapsed, half on Riley, half on the bed. All the fight drained out of me. “Where is that?” I whispered, my throat so fuckin’ dry all of a sudden, even those three words felt like too many.

“With the adults who failed us.”

I gasped, his words like a punch in the gut. Why was something that sounded so easy so fuckin’ hard to do? What would it be like to let go of all the guilt, all this fuckin’ weight on my chest? Would I be able to do it?

Riley reached out, his hand on my cheek. “I’ll always be here for you, Beckett. Let me share those burdens with you. Please. I’m not a kid anymore. I can handle it.”

His fingers weren’t soft, but they were still a balm to me. Riley’s touch soothed me in a way no other could.

“I-I don’t think you’re a kid, Ri. I know you’re a man. An amazing man who can handle fuckin’ anything. I’m so proud of.”

He smiled. “Yeah?”

“Yeah. Of fuckin’ course. Raisin’ you right is the thing I’m most proud of in my life. It always will be.”

Riley’s fingers brushed through my hair, my eyes fluttered in pleasure.

“I’m so tired, butterfly.”

“I know, baby. Just rest. I got you.” It was the third time he called me baby, but I liked it too much to question it.

I opened my mouth to talk about us, all the things that were still unsettled from before I saw Mr. Chase. I didn’t want Ri to think for one second I didn’t want him. Even if I was still trying figure out exactly what that meant.

He kissed my nose, and smiled just a little. “Just sleep, Becks. Whatever you wanna say, it can wait. I ain’t goin’ nowhere.”

“Promise?”

“Promise. It’s you and me forever, remember?”

I threw my leg over Riley, needing even more contact. It didn’t matter how much we were touching. It would never be enough. I was finally just starting to fall back asleep, when the phone rang.

“Ignore it,” I whispered.

“We can’t. It might be Jay.”

I stared in confusion as he found the still ringing phone and picked it up. Oh fuck, last thing I remembered was Jay’s mom was still missing. Did something happen afterward?

“I’m sorry,” he whispered for no fuckin’ reason before hitting accept.

“Hello?”

“Yeah. Yeah, he’s awake. Jay . . . what happened? Fuck . . . Jay, I’m sorry.” I turned toward Riley and moved closer so I could try and hear what was going on, worry clawing at me. “Yeah, yeah. We’ll be right there. Don’t fuckin’ apologize. Just hang tight. We’re comin’.”

Riley hung up the phone and turned toward me, the devastation so clear on his face, every other thought and worry vanished. “We gotta go to the hospital. Jay’s mom died.”