Chapter 11

“I can’t come in tonight,”I whispered into the phone, hoping to not wake up Beckett. I didn’t think I would. After two days of pure hell, Jay got us a baggy full of Xanax that finally knocked him out. I didn’t know where he got it and didn’t ask. I was just fuckin’ grateful.

“You were the one who asked for more hours, Riley,” my boss at the gas station reminded me pointedly.

I leaned against the wall, and rubbed my chest. I got he had to run a business, but he didn’t understand.

“I know. I’m sorry, but there was a family emergency. It’s not like I planned this.”

“You begged me, Riley. Begged me for more hours. I took Derek off the schedule so you could work.”

Fuck. “I know. I know. But I can’t leave here.”

“I’m sorry to do this because I know you need the money, but you can’t keep calling out. If you don’t work tonight, don’t plan on coming in again.”

The tightness in my chest morphed into full on pain. No. This wasn’t happening. “Y-you’re firin’ me?” I hated how weak my voice sounded. “I’ve never called out before. Not till now. I always covered for everyone else. My brother needs me. Please don’t do this.”

I slid onto my ass on the floor of our room. Thankfully, Becks didn’t stir.

“I don’t want to, Riley. You’re a good employee. But I still have a business to run. You come in today, you still have a job. The choice is yours.” The fucking asshole hung up.

I was shaking as I stared at the phone and willed him to call back and tell me it was all one sick joke. How could he do this? I just needed one more day. I would’ve liked more, but we couldn’t go any longer without either of us working. Forget saving for college. At this point, I hoped we could pay rent.

Becks’ jobs were both cool and promised us they were secure, but he only had two more sick days left for the whole year at the factory and didn’t have nothing like that at the bar, so while he wouldn’t lose his jobs, he wouldn’t be getting paid if this lasted much longer. I had taken the last two days off to be with him constantly, but it couldn’t last. I wasn’t sure what to do if he didn’t get out of the fog soon, but we could manage just one more day.

Those stupid fuckin’ tears started to stream down my face again, but I wiped them away. Fuck them. And fuck the stupid gas station. I wasn’t leaving Becks alone like this, and I couldn’t even ask Jay. Just before I’d called my boss, he had gotten a call from the hospital that they’d found his mom finally and she was there. I didn’t know what condition she was in, but I wouldn’t bother him now. Becks was gonna feel guilty enough that he wasn’t there for him during this bullshit.

Beckett whimpered in his sleep. I couldn’t take it anymore. I pushed myself off the ground and climbed back into bed.

He looked so much younger and innocent like this. I needed to touch him. I brushed my fingers through his hair, and pushed it back. I’d managed to get him in the shower before he fell asleep and it was still a little damp. Becks wrinkled his nose, otherwise he didn’t stir.

Something stirred deep within me, though.

I’d always thought Beckett was beautiful, even before I was old enough to understand what that really meant. To me, it was just a fact. Becks was everything to me. My mom had faded from my mind over the years. I remembered her smiles and her being so patient as she allowed us to help her in her garden that she loved. I remembered the day she told us she was sick and her in that coffin. But every memory was hazy and fleeting. I tried to grab them and hold on, but they would always slip through my fingers. It didn’t help that Dad had destroyed everything that could help me, but whatever. It didn’t really matter much now, did it?

What I did remember was Beckett. I didn’t think he realized how much, about those first few years especially. I knew how much he sacrificed, how hard it had to be for a middle schooler to raise a kid. So yeah, Becks was always my hero, even before Mom died, but it had only amplified since then. And with that, of course I thought he was beautiful. Not as in “he’s hot,” but in a “he’s everything to me and I couldn’t ask for more” kind of way.

Somewhere along the lines, my feelings had started to shift from brotherly love and hero worship to more. What would happen now? Things had been a little awkward that morning before he’d left with Jay and I’d gone to work. I knew Becks needed time, and I was fine with that. He had promised me he wouldn’t shut down or push me away while he worked through his feelings. Would that change now? It kinda felt like everything was about to change.

My fingers ran down his face and to his bare skin. By the time I’d gotten him out of the shower, he was too out of it to help, so it took all my strength to just get him into bed, let alone dressed. I managed to get him in some underwear but that was it. We’d slept like this more times than I could count, but now I was afraid he’d think more of it. That I was trying to push him into something he wasn’t ready for. Fuck. This was such a mess.

I ignored the butterflies on his collarbone during my exploration. We never talked about them, but I knew they were for me. I was his butterfly after all. But they always made me feel things I had no business feeling, so I avoided them. Even now, I just didn’t know so it was better to leave them alone.

My fingers traced over the raised skin and distorted image that was once a vibrant yellow rose but was now just a nasty scar. Another reminder of our asshole father.

I was back there suddenly. Back to the day an 18-year-old Beckett showed up at our apartment with the most important ink he’d ever gotten, at least to me anyway.

“Yo, Ri, check this out.”

I lifted my eyes from the manga I’d borrowed from the library to see Beckett standing in front of me, shirtless. My eyes first fell to the yellowing bruises across his chest, but that was nothing new so I let them drift to his side and a new tattoo. The ink ran all the way from his breastbone, down his rib cage, and ended at his hip bone. My first thought was how the fuck did he afford that? And then I realized what the tattoo was. Roses, white, red, black, and pink covered his pale skin. The collage of colors stood out when most of Becks’s tattoos were black. A bright-green branch with bloody thorns trailed through, connecting them all into one design.

Tears welled in my eyes and I tried to hide them. But Becks saw it. He always fuckin’ saw everything.

“Is this for Mom?” I asked, my voice so fuckin’ shaky. Becks was emotional too. He nodded sharply before collapsing on the couch next to me.

“I wanted something to remember her by, ya know? Something that the sperm donor can’t take from us.”

My heart sank. Dad.

“Becks, he can’t see that. He’s gonna kill you.”

Beckett laughed harshly, his eyes cold like they always were when Dad was mentioned. “I’d like to see the drunk fucker try.”

I turned toward him and looked him right in the eye. “Becks, I swear to fuck. Please. Please promise me you’ll hide this from him. Even if you don’t care. Do it for me. Please?”

Those were the magic words. I felt terrible using them against him like that. Becks made it his life goal to antagonize Dad, especially lately, but I didn’t think he understood what would happen if he saw that. But I did. Becks hadn’t been there when he ransacked the house and made me watch as he burned every last thing we had to remind us of Mom. Every picture, any homemade card Becks and I had made her. Her clothes, a random pair of socks, jewelry, it didn’t fuckin’ matter. He’d destroyed it all.

But Beckett wasn’t there. He didn’t see the look in his eyes. Dad would kill him if he saw that tattoo. I was sure of it.

I knew I won when Becks sighed and scrubbed his hands through his bright-pink hair, his newest phase. “Fuck. Fine. I’ll go put on a shirt and keep it from him. For you.”

I smiled and wrapped my arms around my big brother. My protector. “Thanks, Becks.”

He kissed the top of my head. “‘Course, Ri. Anything for you. It’s you and me forever.”

I looked up and smiled. “Always?”

“Always.”

I startled when I felt rough fingers against my cheek. Fuck, I’d lost myself there for a minute.

Beckett’s eyes were open and staring at me, just inches away from me.

“Hi.”

His lips tilted up like he wanted to smile but couldn’t get all the way there.

“Hi.”

“Do you remember when you had pink hair?” I blurted out of nowhere.

Becks blinked like I’d lost my fucking mind before he chuckled roughly.

“Fuck. Yeah, I looked good with pink hair.”

I rolled my eyes, even if I low-key agreed.

“How are you feelin’?” I was afraid of the answer, but this was the most coherent conversation we’d had since that first day when I came home. I still had no idea what happened that sparked this, and I didn’t know how to bring it up without Becks spiraling again.

He shrugged but didn’t answer. Instead, he looked down to where my hand was still on his ribs, resting right against the scar. I started to pull it away, but his fingers latched around my wrist, and kept it there.

“Does it bother you?” he asked hoarsely.

“What? The tattoo or the scar?”

He shrugged and fisted the back of my hair. He brought me toward him so I could no longer stare at the ink. His other arm held me tightly to him. I didn’t mind though. Being in Becks’s arms was my safe place.

“Both,” he finally answered, his voice quiet and a little unsure.

I fuckin’ hated hearing Becks sound like that. He should never be unsure about me. He might be my safe place, but I wanted to be his too.

I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to stay in the present. Becks needed me now and I couldn’t get lost to the flashbacks. But it was hard to forget that day. I could hear Beckett screaming from the hallway of the apartment building. It still hadn’t prepared me for what I’d seen when I’d burst through the door and into the kitchen. Dad had Beckett pinned face down on the counter, a fuckin’ knife to his ribs as he’d literally tried to cut the tattoo off his skin. I was a lot smaller and weaker than Dad, but I’d taken him by surprise, and he’d been so fuckin’ high and focused on Becks that he hadn’t noticed me until I’d tackled the asshole to the floor. I’d wanted to kill him right then and there, but Becks had stopped me.

“No. I love the tattoo,” I finally answered. “I don’t remember much about Mom, but I remember the roses. I love that you did it. That you had the courage to find something tangible to remember her by. And the scar, I hate that the fucker did that to you. It obviously doesn’t bring up happy memories, but it’s like all the other scars we both got. We’ve been to war, Becks, but we came out the other side. That’s all it tells me.”

Beckett used his grip on my hair to pull me back so I was looking at his haunted blue eyes again.

“Did we though?” he asked, his voice shaky. “Come out on the other side? Fuck, Riley, most days I feel like I’m still there. I close my eyes and I’m in the middle of it. I’m so fucked up, butterfly. I can’t take it anymore.”

He wasn’t talking about the day he got the scar across his ribs. Or at least not only that. No, the shit that haunted his dreams went fuckin’ deep. Maybe it was what caused this spiral in the first place. Maybe it was even more than that.

I wanted to kiss him. Holy fuck, the feeling came up on me so strong. We were so close I could almost reach out and kiss him again, but I didn’t dare. I was glad his fingers held me in place so I didn’t do something so stupid that would hurt him. I just cupped his face, and ran my hand right up his scruff, brushing along the scar across his cheek.

“We did get out, Becks. We fuckin’ survived. You and me. It ain’t gonna be easy. We’re always gonna have battles. We went through some fuckin’ messed-up shit. That’s only normal. But, Becks, you need to stay with me. Whatever you’re going through, you’re not alone. Those battles in your mind? Let me fight them with you.” I prayed he heard me. Maybe I was being selfish but seeing him like this tore me apart. Beckett was my everything. I needed him whole.

“I’m supposed to be protectin’ you. I wanna keep you away from all this shit. I’m sorry you have to see me like this.”

I scoffed. “I’m not a little kid anymore. You don’t need to hide shit from me. I want to take care of you the way you have me my whole damn life. I don’t mind being the strong one sometimes. But I don’t know what to do when I lose you to the darkness, Beckett. Like the last few days. I’m just fuckin’ terrified that the demons you won’t share with me will become too much for you to fight and I’ll lose you forever.”

I could feel Beckett’s breath on my face, we were so close. It was labored, like just that basic act was a struggle for him, which it probably was. He looked tortured, lost, unsure. My gut twisted.

Beckett knocked his forehead against mine so we were touching everywhere. Our lips were so close. I squeezed my eyes shut.

“You’ll never lose me, butterfly. Fuckin’ never.”

Beckett started to drift off again while I laid there, just really wishing I could believe his words.