10. Adam

I tossed back my second shot of watermelon vodka, welcoming the burn of the liquid as it slid down my throat. I set the little glass down on the table in between my chair and Chase's, feeling the heat of the liquor settling in my blood.

There had been multiple times in my life where I thought I'd hit a total rock-bottom of embarrassment.

I'd been wrong all of those times.

Because this, tonight, was more than rock bottom. It may as well have been the molten center of the Earth.

It had been ten minutes since I'd shown Chase the hair dye bottle, and I hadn't been able to look him in the eye ever since. The sounds of the street below filled the air on the balcony, and I kept staring out at the pine needles on one particular tree as I mentally cataloged all of the videos that had apparently graced Chase's screen.

He'd seen me come more times than I could count.

He'd seen me sucking on a lollipop like a damned fool, just this morning.

He'd fucking known what I looked like naked for months on end, and now I was here in person with him, my two worlds colliding in a way I never, ever wanted them to.

"I have a question I'm afraid to ask," I said, speaking freely in a way I normally didn't have the courage to do.

"Anything," Chase said. At least he was being as kind as he always was, even now. Chase really was a supportive guy, even if I did want to run screaming from him right now and never look at him again.

"The first day you met me," I said, "when you came into my house to set up the TV cameras. Did you figure it out that day?"

Chase shifted on his chair. In my peripheral vision, I could see him nervously running his hand along the leg of his jeans.

"Do you want the truth?" he asked.

I groaned. "No. But yes."

"I knew immediately. When I first looked at you," he said.

I turned to look at him quickly, then instantly regretted it as we made eye contact.

It felt like he was looking straight through me. Like I may as well have been naked right now. He'd seen all of me, and I felt exposed having his crystal blue eyes on me now.

"Okay," I managed to say.

"The freckle on the side of your face," he continued. "The one that looks like a little heart? I saw it. Even without it, I might have known, though. I'd… we'll, I'd looked at your lips and your jawline a lot. It turned me on so much, Adam."

Fuck.

My cock perked up in my pants, adding to the utter tornado of confusion inside my body right now. I was getting my online, private life confused with my real life.

But Chase was still looking at me with respect. The same respect he'd always shown me. And knowing what a filthy person I'd been in my online videos and my messages with him, I was almost grateful that he could still look at me like that.

"You knew the whole time," I whispered.

"Adam," he said, sitting up straighter and giving me a pointed look. "I fucking love your videos. I'm never going to be ashamed to say that. But I also don't think you should be ashamed that they're yours. I don't see you any differently. I think you're one of the coolest people I've ever met."

I puffed out a laugh, feeling a new level of alcohol in my blood. "No one has ever called me cool before, that's for damn sure."

"Who else can solve complex math equations by day and then upload the best cumshots on the internet by night?"

I shrugged. "Who knows? Maybe lots of the best hot rods online are secretly great statisticians, too."

Chase smiled, and his dimples appeared, which meant my cock perked up yet again, which made me reach for the bottle of vodka.

Christ, my life had very suddenly gotten very strange.

"Can I ask you a question, too?" Chase said, shifting on his lounge chair to face me.

"Chase, as far as I'm concerned, my life as I knew it is now over," I said as I poured heavy on another shot. "You can ask me anything. Are you going to tell me you've secretly worked at my company office for ten years? Secretly known my mom for my whole life? Are you secretly my long-lost friend from elementary school?"

"None of those things. I have no more secrets. And I'm an open fucking book, so don't worry about that."

I breathed deep before tossing back the next shot of watermelon vodka. "Go for it, then."

"My question is, how did you start uploading videos to OnlyShots?" Chase asked. "You clearly don't need the extra money, because I'm sure your data job pays you handsomely."

I shook my head, leaning back and staring up at the night sky. "I've spent my whole life being the good boy," I said. "I did great academically. Have always done great at work. But I've also always been afraid of my own shadow when it came to anything remotely sexual or social or romantic. Uploading those videos online was the first time in my life where I felt like I was being… bad."

Chase held my gaze, something flashing behind his eyes. "And being bad felt good?"

I sighed. "Being bad feels really, really good sometimes," I murmured.

Something flared in my chest as I admitted it to him. I knew I was saying things I normally would never say. I was pretty damn tipsy now, but I was pretty sure I'd be saying all of this to Chase tonight anyway, after finding out he was ChillyIcyBlue.

I had nothing to lose. Usually, in social interactions, I was so deeply afraid to make a fool out of myself, but with Chase, I'd already felt like the world's biggest fool earlier tonight.

I had nowhere else to mess up, so for the first time, I actually felt free.

"I like being bad, too," Chase said, "but I don't think that'll come as any surprise."

"You don't seem bad, to me," I offered. "Flirty, sure. A little cocky. But everyone likes that."

"And I take it as a huge compliment," he said, making a little motion like he was dusting his shoulders off as he smiled. "Now that I can be open about this stuff, too, I can say what I've really wanted to say the whole time. You use your cell phone camera for your videos, right? I have a couple of professional digital cameras at home that you can absolutely borrow for some super high-quality stuff. I can help you with angles and lighting, too."

I leaned my head back on the chair. "Are you seriously giving me advice on my cumshot videos right now?"

"Why the hell not?" he protested. "Adam, I'm a camera guy. I've been filming things for my entire adult life and the better part of my childhood, too. We could film some incredible stuff together."

My blood ran hot.

"The idea of another person being in the same room while I film my videos is completely unimaginable."

Chase's eyes smoldered as he looked at me, shrugging one shoulder. "Strictly business, right?"

My heart thudded in my chest and my cock strained against my pants. "Strictly business," I repeated, swallowing.

"I'm a professional, Adam," Chase said. "It's not like I would stand there jerking off behind the camera while I filmed you—"

"Oh, God," I groaned.

"Unless you wanted me to, of course."

"Shut up. I hate you," I said, pushing my palms against my eyes. "No. I don't hate you. I like you, actually, probably way more than I should, and… fuck, now I'm rambling and I'm actually starting to get drunk."

Chase let out a sweet laugh that floated down toward the street. "I like you, too," he said. "We don't have to talk about it now. But trust me when I say it would be a dream come true. Hang on, I'm going to get you a glass of water."

He disappeared inside and for a moment I was left alone with my thoughts. It was disorienting to realize that in the time since realizing Chase knew my secret, I'd only started to rapidly feel more comfortable around him, not less.

What the fuck was that about?

Should I have been spending my life trying to be more of a freak around people instead of always trying to blend in? Or was Chase really just someone special, who could make anybody feel like they belonged?

He reappeared on the balcony a minute later with a tall glass of water and a bowl full of cut up watermelon.

"That looks so good right now," I said.

"All yours."

I reached for a piece of watermelon and popped it in my mouth, the cool sweetness hitting my tongue. "Now that's the good kind of childhood memory. Me, outside in my parents' backyard, reading a book in summer with a bowl of watermelon."

He sighed. "You were reading books by the pool as a kid, while I was busy trying to call every kid in my neighborhood and ask if they'd go to the beach with me."

"The beach?" I asked, eating another piece of watermelon.

He nodded. "I grew up in a small beach town in California."

"Sounds really nice."

"Stellara Beach was pretty damn poor when I was growing up, but now it's being turned into fancy-shmancy gyms and restaurants just like the rest of the coast. My mom and my brother Jamie still live there."

"So it was tough, but beautiful," I said. "I always wished I had a beach nearby growing up."

I made eye contact with Chase, watching the glow of the street highlight his features. A wave of affection for him crashed down on me like a waterfall, all at once.

He was beautiful. Inside and out. And while I expected to feel embarrassed looking in his eyes, instead I realized all at once that we were sitting here having one of the smoothest conversations ever, when five minutes ago I'd been ready to metaphorically toss in the towel for the rest of my life.

He knew me.

Actuallyknew me.

And he still wanted to talk with me like this, about anything and everything.

Sure, I was getting rapidly drunk, too, but I also felt like I'd finally cracked through a glass wall that had been in front of me for almost my entire life. Being myself around another person, and feeling good about it. A fucking miracle, as far as I was concerned.

"I swore I thought I was the only gay kid in my hometown for a couple of years," Chase was saying, seemingly unaware that I felt like I'd just emerged as a butterfly from a lifelong cocoon.

"I thought I was the only bisexual guy in college," I told him. "Gay guys were hard enough to find, and they didn't seem interested in me."

Chase rolled his eyes. "I guarantee that every single gay guy at your college would have begged to be in your bed."

"Not exactly," I said. "That's another thing I loved when I started uploading to OnlyShots, honestly. Attention from guys, without having to deal with all of the awkwardness I have in real life."

Another thing that I would have been embarrassed to admit until now.

"You like attention from guys, huh?" he asked softly.

"Too much," I admitted. "I don't think I'm ever going to be able to find what I really want through my OnlyShots videos, but it's still fun."

He lifted an eyebrow, his striking eyes dancing across my face. "What do you mean by that? What is it that you really want?"

It was as if he was a beacon for my cock, even when he was just asking me simple questions.

"All I meant was that I'm not going to find real love through uploading videos," I said. "Just anonymous attention."

Chase paused for a moment, breaking eye contact with me. I wasn't sure if I'd said something to put him off, or if he was just so uninterested in the concept of commitment that he didn't know what to say.

He pulled in a breath. "I'm sure you'll find true love one day, if that's what you want."

I waved my hand through the air. "Just forget I said anything about that."

"No, no," Chase said. "Nothing wrong with it. It's not for me, but it can be for you. Guess we both like the other kind of attention, though."

As I caught Chase's eye my thoughts flashed to my private message exchange with him over the past few days. I was pretty sure he was thinking about it, too.

"Want to know a secret?" he asked.

I rubbed my palms over my face. "Please. Anything to get my mind off of things."

When I looked back up at him, he was giving me a caring look. "I just wanted to tell you that I actually like your awkwardness."

I felt a heat creeping onto my cheeks. "No you don't."

"I really do, though," he said. "I don't know if you're aware of this, but it's actually charming."

I buried my face in my palms again. "Stop it," I groaned.

To be honest, I didn't want him to stop. Not even a little bit.

"Like this. Right now," Chase said. I heard him shifting on his seat. "I know you're blushing, and you're trying to cover it up. It's cute."

"I feel pathetic," I said, letting my hands drop and making eye contact with him.

"You're not pathetic. You're really fucking hot, Adam. And it doesn't matter if you know that or not, because it's the truth."

It felt like his eyes may as well have been burning a line directly into my soul. My cock was responding every time I looked at Chase. I couldn't look away, and I felt like I had to look away.

I stood up like I was shaking myself out of a trance, and I walked the short distance to the edge of the balcony. I leaned on the railing, looking out at the night again.

Chase appeared beside me a moment later and instantly I felt all of my senses heighten. Having anyone close to me always made me alert, but with him, it was a whole different ball game. My instincts wanted things that my brain couldn't wrap itself around. I shifted on my feet, trying to remember how to act normal.

But all I could think about was our messages.

"Did you really mean the things you said to me?" I asked. "Online, I mean."

"Meant every word," Chase said.

"All of those comments you always left even before you ever met me in real life…" I said, not even knowing where I was heading with the statement.

Chase had been supportive online for months. It wasn't just a person being nice to try to be polite—he was into my stuff way before he had a clue who I was.

"My relationship to your videos has been more consistent than any relationship I've had in real life, if you want an embarrassing truth from me," Chase said.

I furrowed my brow. "I assumed you would have had tons of relationship experience."

He shook his head. "I've had a lot of… flings. Short-term situationships. Hookups, mostly. I used to hope that certain relationships might lead to more, but in the last few years, I've kind of decided to stop trying for anything like that."

"Why?"

"It only led to disappointment," he said. "It's a lot easier to just look for hot hookups. Then it hurts a lot less when the guy ghosts me, you know?"

I couldn't imagine anyone ghosting Chase.

"That's sad," I said. "Some guys were shitty to you, so you give up altogether?"

He caught my eye. "When I was in relationships, I was… too much. Multiple guys told me I was too much."

I furrowed my brow. "How so?"

He bit his lower lip. "Like being willing to move hundreds of miles for guys when I'd only known them for a couple of months. Like telling guys I loved them way too soon. Like getting ideas about marriage way before it was appropriate."

It was almost as much of a revelation as learning his OnlyShots username had been. Chase used to be a hopeless romantic? Someone who wanted too much, instead of nothing at all?

I realized that there was an iceberg of emotions underneath Chase's fun-loving attitude that I'd never known before.

And it made me want to pull him into my arms.

"Wow," I said. "So you went in the complete opposite direction, now. It's still sad to hear about what happened."

Chase just gave me a shrug. "Lot less sad when I've got a cock in my mouth," he joked. "Or my cock inside someone. Or someone's cock inside me—"

"I get it."

"Fuck, I'm doing the TMI thing again. Sorry."

I shook my head. "No. To be honest, that's something I like about you."

His smile felt like a small gift. "You like my blabbermouth tendencies, and I like your awkwardness," he said. "That's a good combo."

I pulled in a long breath of air. "So is this what you always do with your hookups? Take them out onto your balcony?"

He gave me a long look. "No," he finally said. "Everything is different with you. I wasn't inviting you here for a hookup, of course."

"I see."

His eyes searched my face, like he was wondering if he'd done something wrong. "And I feel like I'm clearly just making things worse, so I'm going to let you have some alone time out here, okay? You can come get me whenever you're ready. Don't sweat it."

He turned to walk back inside and it felt like a small explosion went off inside me. I moved to reach for his hand, clasping it in mine, giving him a gentle pull back toward me.

His eyes briefly widened.

"You're not making things worse," I told him, my voice dropping lower. His hand was warm in mine and it felt like even that small touch had a throughline right to my cock.

It was the first time I'd ever made any move on another guy. Even the smallest thing, like reaching out to grab his hand with purpose, felt huge.

When he'd confirmed that he hadn't had any idea of hooking up with me tonight, some part of me was disappointed. Of course I knew he wouldn't make me do anything I didn't want to do, but…

Some part of me wished that I was someone he'd bring home.

Someone he'd drag into bed and have his way with.

"You sure I'm not making things worse?" he asked.

Unless you mean worse in the sense of making me really fucking turned on.

"You never make anything worse, as far as I can tell," I told him. His hand was still in mine, and it felt like some sort of impossible miracle. How long had I wanted something as simple as a touch like that? Another guy's hand in mine?

I wanted so much more.

"Then why do I feel like you're so uncomfortable around me?" he asked, his voice gentle.

I let out a slow breath. "Because I'm holding back," I said.

I held eye contact, even though I felt like I was about to explode. The air between us suddenly felt like it was crackling with electricity.

I couldn't stop looking at his mouth.

He looked from my eyes to my lips and back again, like he was finally letting himself acknowledge the draw between the two of us, too.

"You're holding back?" he asked, his voice barely above a whisper.

I nodded once. "I think I am."

He squeezed my hand. "Don't hold back with me."

I acted on instinct, closing the distance between us like I was a magnet being pulled by something outside my control. For a split second I hovered near his lips, feeling his warmth before I leaned in and pressed my mouth to his.

My heart was pounding so hard in my chest I swore he'd be able to hear it. I could have been tipsy or drunk or sober to the bone and it wouldn't have mattered, because this wasn't the type of thing I ever had the guts to do.

But I'd done it.

And now my lips were on Chase's, and he let out a small, low moan that made every bit of the risk worth it.

He gently sucked on my lower lip, and he may as well have been sucking my cock for how ludicrously good it felt. I was desperate for so much more than just his kiss. It was the first time I'd kissed another guy, and the mountain of desire I'd ignored for years of my life was suddenly all on display, utterly exposed inside me.

I had always kept myself in control with other people, and right now I had lost control completely.

It felt like being in free-fall.

I was brazen and greedy, the same way I acted when I filmed my videos. My hands found their way to Chase's waist and I pulled him in, threading my fingertips under the hem of his shirt and feeling his soft skin.

And holy fuck, it felt good to touch him.