9. Chase

When I woke up Wednesday morning, current-Chase wanted to go back and punch past-Chase in the skull.

Why had I thought I'd be able to survive another two days with my dirty little secret about Adam? On Monday, he'd seemed really stressed out about work, and I knew he needed a couple of days to recuperate. But all day yesterday, I'd been in agony, guilt mixing with horniness and desire like some potent, fucked-up cocktail.

The private messages he was sending me on his OnlyShots account were completely irresistible.

Every time he sent me another one, I swore I was going to reply nicely and then stop messaging him on that account until I could talk to him in person and admit the truth.

But I couldn't stop.

All day yesterday, we'd messaged back and forth, each message flirtier and sexier than the last.

Now it was Wednesday morning. I was going to see Adam tonight, here at my apartment, but right now I was in bed, idly stroking my cock as I opened the message he'd sent me late last night after I'd fallen asleep.

AdamDix: I want to give you something you want to see. Tell me what to do in my next video. I'd probably do just about anything for you.

I groaned as I read it over, giving my cock a death grip squeeze.

He was the hottest person ever. There was no use denying that anymore. Everything inside me told me to stop replying, to just pump the fucking brakes until I could explain everything to him tonight.

But instead, I was bad.

ChillyIcyBlue: Fine, I'll bite. I have a bit of a thing for lollipops. Don't make fun of me. Caramel apple specifically, but really anything. If I saw you sucking on one…

AdamDix: Interesting.

ChillyIcyBlue: Like I said, don't make fun of me.

AdamDix: I never would.

I dropped my phone on the bed next to me, my cock still in my hand. It was earlier than I usually woke up, though, and after a few minutes my eyes were heavy again.

When I opened my eyes again, it was about an hour later. Somewhere in my second little nap, my morning wood had come back with a vengeance. I was hard as a fucking rock now, and I knew I needed to get off and then get the hell out of bed.

I looked at my phone and my cock throbbed as I saw a notification in OnlyShots.

"Holy fuck," I muttered as I saw a video he had sent to me. There was a message under the video.

AdamDix: Okay, here you go. I went out to the store to grab some lollipops for you…

He hadn't even uploaded this video for all of his subscribers. It was in our private message chain, waiting for me and only me.

I squeezed my cock as I watched the video, my jaw dropping.

He'd gotten caramel apple lollipops.

Adam had used his usual framing—he only appeared on camera from the lips and further down, not showing his eyes. His plush lips wrapped around the lollipop, and then later, his tongue slid out over it, very clearly meant to tease. I was stroking my cock before I could really even think. I was already so turned on, and I needed release.

As the video went on, Adam panned the camera down and wider, showcasing his stupidly perfect chest and abs and then down at his cock.

I groaned as I watched him stroke himself with his free hand. He then panned the camera back up toward his lips, giving the lollipop another suck.

And then, right at the end of the video, he did something I'd never seen before. He turned the camera up, letting his eyes come into the frame. He looked right at the camera—right out at me—and stared into my goddamn soul.

I gripped my cock, rewatching the part where he showed his eyes.

He'd never do that publicly.

It was just for me.

My heart was slamming inside me. I lost control as I rewatched the video, shooting white all the way up to my chest, as I pressed my back against the bed.

"Fuck," I whispered.

So bad.

So, so bad. Tonight couldn't come soon enough, because the longer this went on, the more guilty I felt.

ChillyIcyBlue: You are my favorite. That was perfect, Adam.

I locked my phone, turning it face-down on my bedside table, and I walked the fuck away.

If I didn't look at the damn phone, I wouldn't be able to reply to him, no matter how addicted I was.

I went to the shower and turned it on, stepping under the hot rush of water and scrubbing myself clean. When I got out I threw on some clothes and dialed Jamie's number, pacing around my living room.

"What's up?" Jamie answered. "No video call this time?"

"Can't video call right now. I'd be ashamed for anyone to see my face."

He snorted. "Since when are you shameful? I'm your brother, you don't care what I think of you."

"I just called because I want reassurance that I'm not a monster," I admitted.

"You're not a monster," Jamie said. "But… what did you do this time?"

"I didn't do anything, per se," I told him.

"Tell me more."

I sucked in a breath of air. "Jamie, you watch… adult content online, right?"

"For fuck's sake, we don't have to talk about my online habits—"

I ran my fingers through my hair. "Fair, fair. But let's say you ran across your favorite adult, um, video creator in real life. What would you do?"

"Oh no, Chase, did you hit on him, whoever it is?"

"No. Yes. Sort of," I said. I sat down on my couch before realizing I couldn't possibly sit still right now and stood back up. "I met him in real life, but he doesn't know that I know it's him. Make sense?"

"I see," Jamie said. "Only you would end up in a situation like this."

"The chaos finds me, Jamie, not the other way around."

"So how does that make you a monster?"

"Because I'm… flirting with him online," I said. "A lot. But in person he's this shy, total sweetheart of a person. I swear he would apologize to a wall if he walked into it, Jamie."

"Sounds cute."

"So cute," I admitted. "But I have to tell him it's me, don't I?"

"You probably should, sooner rather than later," he said. "It might suck, though. People are pretty private online. Especially when it comes to things like this."

"Tell me about it," I said.

"I'll just say one thing," Jamie warned. "Don't fuck him."

He may as well have just plunged a knife into my heart.

"Don't fuck him?"

"I've been talking to you for three minutes and I can already tell it would be a bad idea to hook up with this guy," Jamie said. "He's shy in real life? Probably wants a real boyfriend, which you aren't interested in?"

My heart lurched. "He's very sweet."

"So keep it in your pants," Jamie said. "How would you feel if someone fucked you and then you found out they'd been secretly messaging with you for God knows how long?"

I lifted an eyebrow. "Well, I'd absolutely love that, are you kidding? I live for that kind of thing. Hell, it would probably make me even more turned on and I'd go in for round two—"

"Okay, okay," Jamie said with a laugh. "I forgot you're a freak of nature."

"I prefer the term extremely sexually open, but sure, I'm a freak, too," I said.

"Tell him the truth," Jamie said. "You know what you need to do."

I heard a soft knock on my door around seven o'clock. I swung it open and found Adam standing there, holding not one but two twelve-packs of beer, flushed and adorable and so fucking hot it made my guilt flare up again within about two seconds.

"Damn, you really brought enough for a party, didn't you?" I said.

He nodded, shifting on one foot as he struggled to hold both packs, one on top of the other. "Wanted to have some variety. I think I got too much."

Don't fuck him.

God, he is cute, and that does not mean you should try to fuck him.

"Here. Let me grab one," I said. "No such thing as too much."

"Oh, that is helpful," he said, relief in his voice. "Carrying these all the way down Spruce Street and up your apartment stairs was a bit of a mistake."

"Come on in. Kitchen is this way."

Having Adam in my house felt a bit like I'd invited royalty into a college dorm room. I kept my apartment nice, and it was always clean enough to invite a hookup over without shame.

But Adam wasn't a hookup. I led him through the living room and into the kitchen, both of which I'd spent the last hour cleaning. Suddenly, my eyes darted around everywhere, wondering what he'd think of my place. What he'd think of me. The bookshelves I had in the living room seemed sorely lacking in substance—I had a bunch of graphic novels, old comic books from when I was a young teen, and a smattering of fun novels that friends had given me over the years, and I'd only read about half of them.

My furniture wasn't as fancy as his, the rooms here were smaller and the ceilings were much lower than the ones at his house. I wasn't ashamed of my apartment living, but it was strange to wonder how Adam would view all of it.

"This is so incredible," Adam said as he set down the beer on my kitchen table. "Is all the art in here original?"

"Um, most of it is mine, actually."

"Yours?" Adam asked, his eyebrows raising. "As in, you painted all of it?"

"Yeah," I said. "It's not anything that impressive, I promise you."

"Chase, it's incredible," he said, looking around at the paintings I had hung up in the kitchen and back toward the ones lining the walls in the living room. "You're really talented. The ones of the cities are so detailed."

I had a couple of paintings of city skylines—one of New York City and another of Singapore.

"Those paintings took forever," I said. "Detailed pains in my ass, honestly."

"It was worth it. They're gorgeous." He walked over toward the windows that looked out over Spruce Street and all of the trees below. "I like all of the exposed brick in your apartment, too."

"The brick is very cool," I said, glancing around at the walls.

There was a pause in our conversation, and Adam just looked out the window for a bit as I stood in the kitchen, feeling more and more self-conscious by the moment. He was wearing a sage green long-sleeve shirt and dark denim, and I couldn't stop staring at the neckline of his shirt, right where his skin started to show.

I practically ached for him. Jamie had been right—Adam really was off-limits, and I knew that.

But I also couldn't remember the last time I'd been so attracted to someone.

"So, how has your day been?" Adam asked, turning to face me.

The stark beauty of his eyes made me feel like he had me pinned up against the wall.

Guilty, guilty guilty.

Fuck, I had to tell him the truth. I really cared about him, and the idea of making him uncomfortable in any way crushed me from the inside. The memory of his video from this morning flashed through my mind.

Those eyes, staring out at me from behind a screen.

How fucking hard it made me come.

I realized I'd never answered him, and by now, I'd forgotten what he asked. I swallowed. "Oh, um, what?"

"Just asked how your day has been," he said, shifting on his feet. "I've been loving this breezy summer air. I went for a swim before I left home."

"The weather's been so nice," I agreed.

What the fuck was this? It was like the tables had turned completely and I was the one struggling to make conversation. Adam was standing there, polite as ever, making small talk with me about the weather.

"Chase, was there a reason you wanted me to come over?" he asked gently. "It really seemed like there was something you needed to talk about."

"Let's grab some of those beers," I said, opening up the first pack. "Oh, nice, they've got a wheat beer. Come with me."

I led him to the balcony door in the living room, pushing it open.

"This is awesome," he said. "Can you ever see the stars out here? Locate any of the constellations?"

"Not many," I said. "Too much light filters up from the street. I bet you get more good stargazing on your balcony further up in the mountains."

"Most nights I go out and look for stars out there," Adam said. "But you can catch a few out here, I bet. It's really cool for looking down at the street, too."

"I do love sitting out here."

I was on the fourth floor, and the balcony looked out over Spruce Street. String lights lined the brick walkways below, and my view was mostly tree leaves, peppered with views of the street and people walking by underneath.

We sat down on the cushioned lounge chairs with our beers, the sounds of the evening filtering up from the street.

"There is something I want to talk to you about," I said, my heart rate amping up already. "But let me get a beer in me first, okay?"

"That sounds ominous," Adam said, giving me a look. "Are you sure everything is okay?"

"Yes. Totally fine. Mostly," I said too quickly. The little glowing lights from the street reflected in his eyes and caught me off guard. "You look really good tonight."

I'd barely been able to hold in the compliment, but I knew it was worth it when I saw the look of happiness and relief on his face.

"Thank God," I said. "I was starting to think you hated me."

"What? Why? How?"

He shrugged, taking a sip of beer. "I don't know, Chase. I'm not good at reading people to begin with, but you've been acting… different around me, I guess. For most of my life, when people acted different around me, it only meant bad things."

"No. God no," I said. "No bad things. Adam, I really, really like you."

The look on his face almost broke my heart. "Back in high school, I had a couple of friends who dropped me like a hot potato out of nowhere. It's really stuck with me."

"What happened?"

"Well, as kids, we were a trio," he said. "We hung out all day, every day. Grew up together. But in middle school, things started to change. They always chose to hang out with other, more athletic guys, and I spent more time alone. Then in the first year of high school, they started really wanting to hook up with girls, drink, do drugs… until finally, they told me I was weird, and too nerdy, and that I was getting in their way, or something like that."

Looking at Adam now, it was impossible to imagine anyone treating him that way. "Getting in their way?" I said softly.

"It was no big deal."

I furrowed my brow. "It sure fucking sounds like a big deal. That would have destroyed me, especially at such a young age."

Adam shrugged one shoulder, looking off into the evening air. "I was alone, mostly, after that," he said. "Learned to get through school on my own."

"You didn't have friends in high school?"

He just shook his head and looked down. "Not really."

God, that look killed me.

Rightin the fucking chest.

"Adam…" I said, not even knowing how to process how lonely it must have been for a kid like him.

"But I know other people had it worse, with bullying."

"It's still fucked up," I said. "Just because they weren't bullying you physically doesn't mean it felt good."

"Thanks, Chase."

"They're crazy, too. Who wouldn't want to be friends with you?"

He puffed out a laugh, looking down at his beer. "Lots of people."

"I want to be your friend," I said. "And I sure as hell didn't ask you to come over tonight to tell you I hate you."

"Good," he said. "It sounds silly when I say it out loud. I guess I'm conditioned to expect the worst."

An old Mustang drove down Spruce Street, its red tail lights glowing as the engine purred through the night. The silence bloomed between us, and with every passing second I knew I should just say it.

I should tell him the truth.

Or say anything, for fuck's sake.

Looking at Adam here on the balcony felt so completely different from looking at him in his videos that he may as well have been a different version of himself.

I'd gotten the urge to fuck Adam about a thousand times since I'd started watching his videos, but now I was getting the urge to pull him into a hug all over again.

Maybe a hug and a kiss. But still.

There was a growing sense of protection I was starting to feel for Adam. He'd clearly been hurt before, more than once, and no matter how old and "silly" those wounds might feel to him, I knew they were real.

"Chase," Adam said, pulling me out of my thoughts. "Could I ask where your restroom is?"

I let out a breath, releasing whatever tension had been building in me. "Of course. I should have shown you earlier. It's right through here."

I walked him back through the living room toward the short hall that led to the bathroom door.

"Thank you. Be right out," he said, "Then we can talk about anything. I promise."

I headed back to the balcony and silently hyped myself up as I waited.

I tossed back half of my beer, trying to think of how I could put my confession into words.

I know who you are. Way too action-movie confrontational.

I've been private messaging you and following your videos for months.Too intimidating.

You're Adam Dix, and I'm a huge fan. Your number one fan, I think. Maybe?

I'd flirted with celebrities, international diplomats, and multi-millionaires in the past, and none of them had made me even the slightest bit nervous. I'd told people deep, dark secrets. I'd gone skydiving not once but twice.

I knew I could tell Adam when he got back. I just had to make myself say it.

When I heard his footsteps heading back out toward the balcony, my heart rate skyrocketed all over again. I took a deep breath, turning to face him.

I saw that he was holding something in his hands, and at first I was confused. It was a small bottle, but it wasn't beer.

"What's that?" I asked, realizing that the look on his face was like he'd just seen a ghost.

He took a few steps further, holding it out to me.

"Chase…"

"Oh, God," I said as I realized what it was. He was holding my hair dye bottle, which I had left out on the bathroom counter. I'd just re-dyed the blue streak in my hair last night.

And along the front, the name of the dye was written in bold lettering.

Chilly Icy Blue.

I locked eyes with Adam, and in that instant, I knew that he already knew who I was. I'd taken the username from the hair dye long ago.

I froze in place, my mind running wild.

"I was going to tell you," I said, standing up. "Adam, that's why I invited you over tonight."

"Holy shit," he said. "So… so it's not a coincidence?"

I swallowed. "It's not."

Adam set down the hair dye bottle on the small balcony table and he walked out, leaning on the railing. He looked down at the street, his eyes wide and vacant.

"How? Oh, God, that means—that means you've seen it all," he said. He reached behind him to his beer bottle, taking it and chugging the rest of it in one go. "I need another beer. Fuck me."

He beelined inside, grabbing another beer from the fridge and then coming back to the balcony, looking me dead in the eye.

"You can't tell a soul. You haven't told people, have you?"

"No one," I assured him. "No one but me knows, or will ever know, if that's how you want to keep it."

"I feel like I'm going to die," Adam said. "If I pass out and keel over, tell my family I loved them. Oh God."

I scratched the back of my neck. It was like a mountain of relief had hit me at the same time as an avalanche of a whole new type of guilt.

I'd been so focused on how I was going to admit my secret to him that I never considered what I would have to talk about after telling Adam I knew who he was.

"You certainly have nothing to be embarrassed about," I offered. I could finally be myself again—no filter, saying exactly what I thought. "Your cock is fucking perfect. Your body is perfect. Your videos are incredible—"

"Oh, God," he repeated, sitting down in his chair and chugging more beer. His cheeks flared pink, and he ran his fingers through his hair. "Do you have anything stronger than beer?"

I nodded.

I didn't know how I was going to make this right, but I was determined to do it.

By the end of tonight, I wanted Adam to feel good about this. To know how much his videos had meant to me, even if it was just for some top-tier jerk-off material.

"How do you feel about watermelon?"