Chapter 17

I’m sotired by the time I get home, the kind of bone-deep exhaustion I’ve only ever felt after a game. My muscles are stiff from not moving the ride home, and my thoughts are thick and syrupy, except for the little voice in the back of my head that won’t stop replaying my conversation with Camden. That one’s coming through clear as a bell.

The taps on the wall squeak in complaint as I run hot water, hoping to relax my muscles a little before I go to sleep and avoid more discomfort in the morning. Stepping under the steady stream, I knead the heel of my hand against my shoulder and hiss out a slow stream of breath as the tension starts to release. My head clears up a little under the spray, and my conscious mind starts to weigh in on the words that have been running through the back of my head all night…

I know Cam isn’t mad at me. I know he understands that I’m nervous about how people might react to the news of us dating, and isn’t upset that we’re keeping our relationship kind of a secret. But even though I know that, there’s a burning ache in the pit of my stomach every time I choose not to claim him publicly… like shame, that I’m denying there’s more to our relationship, even if no one is directly asking.

He isn’t mad at me… but maybe I’m mad at myself.

I swallow down the hard knot that’s forming in my throat, leaning my forehead against the cold tile wall of the shower as I turn the warm water off and slowly expel a centering breath. I don”t know if I’m ready to face the backlash that coming out could cause me… but I do think I’m ready for someone to know, besides my boyfriend.

The scratchy white terrycloth slides across my skin as I quickly dry off and pull on my favorite Spiderman pajama pants before I pad down the dark hallway and shut my door behind me. Looking around, as if anyone could possibly be watching me, I pull my laptop away from the charging cord on top of my dresser and bring it to my bed where I settle it on my crossed legs like a makeshift desk.

My breath is speeding up, coming in short bursts, and I force myself to slow it down and calm as I open the computer and pull up my favorite search engine. My hands shake, trembling over the keys as they hover and I think before typing the words ‘how to come out to your parents’. The cursor blinks at the end three times before I hit enter.

I trust my parents. I know that they love me, and I’m pretty sure I know that love is unconditional. I mean, we also don’t know anyone who has come out as LGBTQ, so I don’t exactly have a frame of reference for how they’ll respond… my mind races past every conversation they might have had in front of me about legislature centered around gay marriage, but I’m drawing a blank.

I click a few articles, scrolling through them with tears welling in my eyes, but then I freeze… If I tell my parents, are they going to want to talk to their friends about it? People from church, and work… will my dad get backlash from his customers? What if clients stop wanting to see mom? It’s such a small town, just one rumor could cause your business to fail… I swallow hard, the weight of the possible implications settling on my chest.

My parents love me, but what about the other people they’re linked to in this town? Can I really be sure no one is going to have a problem with this?

No.

The back of my hand brushes away the offending droplets from the corners of my eyes and I huff out a sharp breath as I close the tabs I’ve been looking at. Absolutely not, I’m not ready to tell the whole church network yet. And as much as I love my mom, I’m worried that’s exactly what it would be…

But maybe Beth, if I told her would she be able to keep it from them? ‘How to come out to your sister’ I start to sift through the results, the tight knot in my stomach becoming heavier. I know she’d do her best not to say anything to our parents, but what if something just slips and they figure it out anyway? And what then, would they be upset that I didn’t come to them first? Oh God, what if she lets it slip at school? And then everyone knows?

Or… what if she tells Casey before I do? She’s her best friend…

I slam the laptop closed and set it on the ground, laying on my back and covering my face with a pillow to block the scream I can’t hold in any longer.

This would be so much easier if I could just talk to Casey… she wouldn’t tell anyone.

Sighing, I drag the pillow over my face and back to rest on the bed. I’m not even going to look up “how to tell my ex-girlfriend I’m gay” because everyone knows that’s a terrible idea.

But then… maybe? Maybe then, if she knew I was gay, she would understand? And then, maybe she wouldn’t be mad at me anymore. Or maybe it will make it worse. And then she won’t talk to Cam either, if she knows I’m dating him. The bed creaks as I roll to my side, facing the wall and squeezing my eyes shut. Everything was so much easier before…

My mind is racing, thinking about everything all at once. I focus on slowing my breathing, on controlling my thoughts… The crystal blue of Cam’s eyes blink into view, and I smile as I finally relax and feel the tug of sleep carrying me away.

Saturday morning I wake up to the smell of something burning. I jump out of bed, blinking the sleep out of my eyes, and grab my phone off the bedside table. Tugging the door open, I hurry into the hall and down the stairs where the air is filled with a light smoke and the acrid smell of… overcooked bacon?

I frown and slow my urgent steps, striding towards the kitchen to see Beth stirring determinedly at a pan of bacon that is long past done. Beth jumps as I stomp up to her and tug the handle of the pan from her hand.

“What are you doing?” I demand, hissing as a spot of grease pops out of the pan onto my bare stomach as I carry it over to the sink.

“I’m making you breakfast, you jerk!”

She shouts behind me, crossing her arms defensively as she watches me drop the pan into the sink and crack the window for the smoke to drift outside.

“No one wants to eat that,” I rub my left eye with the back of my hand. “You’re going to catch the house on fire.”

“I will not!”

“You’re right,” I yawn and cross to the sink. “Because I’m cooking. Get a clean pan. Where’s mom?”

“She and dad went out,” she shrugs, following my instructions despite the dirty looks she sends my way as I take out eggs and cheese from the fridge. “Meeting friends from church at the craft fair, or something.”

I nod in acknowledgment, cracking the eggs into the pan and stirring in a little milk with the whisk before they start to firm up. There’s another pan on the stove, so I start some new bacon while the eggs cook and lean against the cabinet, yawning.

“Can you make some toast,” I raise an eyebrow. “Or are you gonna catch that on fire, too?”

“It wasn’t on fire,” she growled under her breath, crossing to the bread box and throwing it open. “The smoke detectors weren’t even going off.”

“Yeah well,” I wince as the bacon pops threateningly. “The batteries are probably dead, or something.”

We stand in silence, the pop of bacon and the low sizzle of eggs the only noise in the kitchen as we tend to our tasks. Before I can ask, she hands me a paper towel and a plate for the finished meat. Grunting my thanks, I empty the pan and set it on the island, then add the cheese to the eggs and tip that pan onto a plate too.

Beth joins me with a plate stacked high with toasted bread, and grabs jelly and juice from the fridge to plop down in front of us as we tuck in to breakfast. Two servings in, I’m finally awake and thinking clearly. I turn to my little sister, eyebrow raised.

“Why were you in here making breakfast, anyway?”

“I needed to eat,” she shrugs. “And you played a good game last night.”

“Nice,” I offer her a fist bump. “Thanks.”

“Yeah,” she touches her knuckles to mine, rolling her eyes but a smile tugging at the corner of her mouth. “Whatever.”

“So, uh,” I tear my piece of bacon in half. “I think I’m gonna see if Casey wants to hang out today.”

“Oh?” Beth stiffens beside me. “Why?”

“I just… need to talk to her, about some stuff. I miss her… do you think she misses me?”

“Well,” she hesitates, like she’s not sure what she should say to her best friend”s ex versus what she’s allowed to say to her brother. “I think she might want to talk, too. Maybe. But Elliott, she’s still not very happy with you.”

“Yeah, I know…” I smile at her with one side of my mouth. “Thanks for the heads up.”

Beth nods, taking her plate to the sink and dropping it in before she heads out of the kitchen and up the stairs.

“Thanks for doing the dishes!” She calls behind her.

“Brat,” I mutter and shake my head, smiling as I finish the last of the bacon.

When I am done eating, I stack the plates and cross to the sink to wash and put them away. I lean against the counter and pull out my phone, tapping my thumbs against the sides of the plastic case as I think about what to say. My finger taps the messaging icon, and I pull up my log with Casey. With a slow exhale, I begin to type.

Hey

Can we talk? I really miss you, Case.

Please?

I wait, watching the screen. A notification appears marking it read, and nothing happens. I’m about to give up, click my phone screen off and accept she isn’t going to reply, when three dots blink their way across the bottom. My heart stops for a moment as I wait to see what she’s going to say…

Okay.

Want to meet at the Burger Shack at eleven?

Yeah, I’ll be there.

I shake out my shoulders and jog upstairs, closing my bedroom door behind me and tapping Cam’s name in my contact list as I start getting dressed for the day. The line rings three times, then a sleepy sort of sigh floats across the air as he answers. Tugging the t-shirt over my head with a grin, I put the phone to my ear and take it off of speakerphone.

“Good morning, handsome.”

“Mm,” I can hear the smile in his voice. “Good morning. You’re up early,” he remarks with a yawn.

“Yeah, Bethie tried to be nice and almost burned the house down.” Cam chuckles, and I smile as I recline on my bed. “I wanted to hear your voice before I head to town…”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, I’m, uh… I’m going to meet up with Casey.”

“Oh…” I hear the concern in his voice, and swallow the thick knot trying to form so I can continue.

“I think I’m going to come out to her.”

“Oh!” Silence falls over the line as Cam sits up, the soft creak of his springs betraying his movement. “Wow, El… Really?”

“I miss her, Cam… We haven’t talked in weeks, that’s never happened before. Not even when she got yellow bands on her braces in middle school, and she heard me say it looked kind of like an electric fence was mounted on her teeth… Which I stand by, for the record.” I smile slightly at Cam’s chuckle. “I want someone to know about us, and I can’t imagine telling anyone else before her. So… Yeah. I feel like it’s time.”

“Well, that’s… Great! Do you want me to be there?”

“No, I… Think I need to do it on my own.”

“Okay, well… I’m here, if you need me.”

“I know, I love- that. I love that, about you, how you’ve got my back.” I clear my throat, glad he can’t see the flush that’s taken over my neck and face.

“Right,” I can practically hear his grin. “I love that too.”

“So, anyway,” I can’t help the smile that is spreading wider across my own face. “I just thought I’d let you know. I might be coming out to someone today, which feels… I don’t know, big.”

“It is big,” he agrees seriously. “I’m really proud of you. Call me later, and tell me how it went?”

“I will, promise. Guess I better let you go, we’re meeting at the Burger Shack. It’s close enough to walk, but I’ve gotta get started.”

“And you’re sure you don’t just want a ride?”

“Nah,” I grin. “It’ll be good for me. I’ll talk to you tonight, okay?”

“Alright, babe,” a surge of heat spreads through my chest and the smile on my face grows painfully wider. “I’ll talk to you then. Bye!”

“Bye,”

My steps are light as I tuck my wallet into my pocket, taking the steps quickly as I shoot off a text letting my parents know where I’ll be. Beth pokes her head out into the hallway, brow furrowing slightly in concern.

“Be careful,” she says, and something makes me think she doesn’t just mean on the walk.

I nod in response, throwing up my hand in a wave, and make my way out the front door and down the porch steps. There’s still a slight chill in the air and I rub my arms as I crunch across the lawn, starting to regret leaving my hoodie on the bed. I increase my pace, intent on warming up as I make my way down the block to the road that leads towards Main Street instead of further into the neighborhood.

The end of the street closest to my house leads to the middle school, and when we were in school there Cam and I would sometimes walk or ride our bikes instead of having our parents drop us off. A surge of nostalgia brushes over me as I turn and head downhill past the row of tall houses with white fences and brick chimneys that bleed into our older downtown district. Our house is a newer build, matching most of the others in our neighborhood that were built on similar plans for quick development. But these are different, more unique… More permanent.

So much of our town is like this, a little classic. I think it inspires Cam, and I know it always makes me think of him when I walk down this part of town. I can just see him one day, sitting on that porch. He’d have a radio sitting on the rail, or maybe he’d have that record player he loves propped open inside, with the window slid open and the pops and cracks filtering through the mesh screen to the front porch… yeah, that sounds right.

He’ll have a dog settled at his feet, something smooth and silky. Calm, but up for a run in the mornings when we get up because we won’t be those old people who just sit all day. Yeah, I’ll be there. Bringing him a cold drink and waving to the neighbors where they work in the garden… I tuck my thumbs into my pockets, grinning, as I feel a fuzzy warm feeling settle in around my chest.

Yep. That’s gonna be us, one day. A bright red and blue banner waves from the corner of a yellow house ahead of me, and my steps falter as it catches my eye. It’s a flag, a symbol of hope that our country would go back to the “good old days”, back to a time when I wouldn’t even be able to have a future with Cam. The smile leaves my face as I start to picture that future, living next to this family. Would we still be sitting on the porch, listening to our music in peace? Or would we be chased out, blockaded inside by hateful words and threats to our rights?

I tilt my head down and walk faster, eager to get away from that sobering reminder of all of the reasons I’m afraid for people to know that I am in love with my best friend. Love… I do. I love him. I love him, and I am in love with him. How terrifying…

A few more blocks, and I can see the busier traffic of Main Street. I turn to the right and step over the red concrete ledge into the parking lot of the Burger Shack. Casey’s red Jeep is in the lot, so I pick up my speed a little as I head inside the building. Ms. Dawn stands behind the register, chewing a pink wad of bubble gum and smiling as she pulls a pencil down from behind her ear.

“Hey sweetheart!” A bubble pops loudly, accompanied by the sizzle of fryers behind the order window. “Whatcha havin’?”

“Hi Ms. Dawn, could I please get a cheeseburger and a chocolate shake?”

“Sure thing, honey,” she scribbles my order on the paper ticket and rips it from the pad as I count out bills from the wallet in my pocket, then tucks it into the clip in the order window and takes the cash with a smile. “I’ll bring it right out when it’s ready.”

“Thank you, ma’am,”

I grin and turn, my smile slipping slightly when I see Casey sitting in a booth in the corner picking at some cheese fries. I slip my thumbs into my pockets and make my way over, smiling sheepishly down at her when I come to a stop next to the table.

“Hey,” I say lamely.

“Hi,” she glances up, cheeks pinkening a little as she gestures to the spot across from her.

“Thanks for coming,” I slide onto the hard bench.

“Yeah, well,” Casey tucks a piece of hair behind her ear and shrugs. “You seemed pretty desperate, so,” she almost smirks, and I can’t help but smile.

“That’s pretty accurate, I guess.” One elbow rises to rest on the table, and I lean my chin against my hand. “How are you?”

“I’m okay,” she purses her lips, glancing at the paper boat as she takes more fries. “Just, you know, school. And cheer. You guys played a good game last night.”

“Thanks,” I tap my fingers idly against my cheek. “You guys did good too, you know, like with the stand cheers and stuff.”

“Thanks,” she almost laughs, fidgeting with her fries instead of looking me in the eye. “So, what did you want to talk about?”

“Well, I… I really miss you, Case.” She glances up at me hopefully, and I continue “You’ve been my friend for so long, and I wish we’d never dated.”

“You… do?” The light begins to fade from her eyes.

“Well, yeah. Just, because, you know,” I speak more quickly, sensing this is not coming out how I mean it to. “I mean, we broke up.”

“Yes?” Her tone is short.

“And now, we aren’t even talking. So, like, I wish we hadn’t ever dated so that it wouldn’t be like this now, after we broke up.”

“So, what, you think it was just, like, inevitable that we were going to break up?”

“I mean… Yeah.”

“Elliott, I can’t believe you, I just…” Casey exhales sharply. “All I wanted was for you to prioritize me, us, our time together. We didn’t have to breakup, I just wanted you to realize that and maybe try a little harder, and then everything would be-”

“Case, I like someone else.”

Suddenly, it is silent. It’s not the peaceful kind of quiet, like when Cam and I are just existing together in the cab of the truck… It’s more like that moment right before a tornado hits, when all is still and eerie, just before shit gets real. I swallow hard.

“That’s kind of why I wanted to meet up today.”

“You wanted to meet up today,” she says slowly, a finger pressing hard on the spot between her eyes that twitches when she gets really mad. “To tell me that you like someone else.”

“Yes. I mean, no, not exactly… I’m not doing this right.” My hand shifts, scratching through my hair as I try to put my thoughts in order.

“Oh?” She nearly yells. “Oh, you’re not doing this right? Please tell me, Elliott Graves, what exactly did you think was going to happen? That I was going to fall on the floor and bow in thanks to you for telling me you’ve already moved on, that I was right the whole time?”

“Casey,” the blood falls from my face. I reach a hand for her but she stops me with a hard look. “No, I’m sorry, I just… I wanted you to understand, I wanted to tell you, because-”

“Ugh, you know what? Just save it, Elliott.” Like a rocket, Casey is out of the booth and shoving her purse over her shoulder. “I thought you wanted to get back together. Coming in with all this ‘I miss you so much’” She does the air quotes with her fingers. I open my mouth to reply but she doesn’t let up. “If it’s my blessing you want, fine. Go after her.”

“Case, I-”

“Goodbye, Elliott. Take your stupid boy games, and go play them with someone else.”

Before I can get in another word, she stomps to the front door and out of the building, the bell over the door chiming with a cheery ting that doesn’t match the tone of her exit. Well, that could have gone a little better. I swallow hard, looking up at Ms. Dawn as she sets down my order. Her eyes are warm, sympathetic.

“Are you okay, honey?”

“Yeah,” one side of my mouth tilts up. “I’m okay. Thanks.”

Ms. Dawn sashays back to the kitchen, coming back a little while later with a heaping mound of chili cheese fries, and a wrinkled hand smooths my hair for a moment before she leaves me to my business. I text Cam, sending out the bat signal as I start in on the burger.

This place has always been my favorite, the three of us have been coming here since we were old enough to ride bikes. But today, it all tastes like ash in my mouth.