Chapter 14

I open the kitchen door,and the smell of pancakes and frying bacon drifts over me. Mom stands at the stove, smiling at me as I kick my shoes off and breeze through the kitchen.

“Morning, mom,”

“Good morning sweetie,” she raises her voice to call after me as I head for the stairs. “I’ll have breakfast ready soon!”

“Okay, thanks!”

I slip on the stairs in my socks, grab the rail for leverage, and swing around the corner to my bedroom to throw my phone on the bed and grab a fresh pair of shorts before heading into the bathroom and turning on the shower. The water is barely more than cold when I step under it, closing my eyes and letting my thoughts run.

Camden Holt kissed me. I kissed Camden Holt.Equal doses of joy and fear crest over me in waves. What does that even mean? I’m gay, I stumble over the word, but what about Cam?

What if that was just an experiment for him, and as soon as I was gone he regretted it? He’d seemed into it, but what if he was just going along with it so it wouldn’t be awkward? No. No, he was definitely into it. Right?

I growl in frustration, running my hands through my hair, then I take a deep breath and let it out slowly. First things first, just get through this shower. There’s plenty of time to worry about kissing my best friend later. The rest of the shower passes in a blur as I studiously keep my mind blank.

After I turn off the spray and dry myself off I step into the clean basketball shorts, tossing my dirty clothes into the laundry hamper. The towel hangs over my head and I bring my hands up, agitating the fabric to dry my hair as I make the short walk to my bedroom down the hall. When I pull the white cotton down from my face I see Cam sitting on my bed, still wearing his glasses but in fresh clothes.

“What the,” I stumble backward into my door, shutting it closed. “What are you doing here?”

“Your mom let me in,” he blushes. “Is that okay? She sent up breakfast… I can go, if you want,”

“No!” I rub the back of my neck and speak more softly. “No, I was just surprised.”

“I wanted to talk... about this morning.”

I realize that his eyes keep darting down to my bare chest, across my shoulders, and back to my face. He’s blushing, and it only gets deeper when he notices me noticing.

“Maybe I should put on a shirt first..?” I half smile as I ask.

“Yeah,” Cam chokes out a laugh. “That might be a good idea…”

I throw my towel in the corner on my way to the dresser, grabbing a t-shirt and tugging it on before I cross to the bed where Camden sits with the two plates of pancakes and bacon that mom sent upstairs. My already small bedroom feels claustrophobic as I sit, wondering what’s on his mind that he couldn’t wait to bring it up any later than this morning.

“Hi,” Cam smiles, almost nervously.

“Hi back,” the corner of my mouth curves up without permission.

“So,” he lifts a piece of bacon from his plate. “You kissed me.” He watches me as he pops it into his mouth.

“Oh,” I feel heat rise to my cheeks. “Okay, so we’re just jumping in here then…”

“Did you like it?” He takes a bite of pancake.

“I… Well… Did you like it?” I know I sound twelve, but it seems advanced thought is a bit beyond me at the moment.

He watches me for a moment, eyes darting up and down like he’s trying to read my body language and see how he should respond. Not seeming to find anything, they finally met mine and he speaks plainly.

“Yeah. I did.”

“Well…” My eyes dart to his lips, despite my best intentions. “I did too.”

We each focus on our plates, but a small smile won’t stay off of my face. The bubble of tension in the room is gone, and I relax against the wall as we eat.

“So,” his warm voice has an edge of vulnerability to it. “You’re bi?”

“Ah,” I study my bacon. “That’s a great question. No. I don’t think so.” I look up, at a spot on the wall over his left shoulder more than at him directly. “I think… No, actually I’m pretty sure, I’m gay.”

As I say the words to a real person, out loud, for the first time, a warm feeling settles in my chest. Like I’m freeing a piece of me. In my periphery, Cam nods. Like he feels it too.

“I, um,” he clears his throat and starts again. “Me, too.”

“You never told me that,” I look at him more directly.

“You didn’t tell me, either,” he says evasively.

“I just figured it out!” I notice the smile he tries to hide. “How long have you, uh, known? That you were gay?”

“A while,” he pulls his lips to the side, a nervous tic that makes his glasses adjust themselves on his nose.

“Why didn’t you tell me before?” I tear a pancake with my fingers.

“I don’t know, Elliot, I just… Why didn’t you tell me, when you realized?” Cam shoots back.

“Because I didn’t think there was a smooth way to tell my best friend, who I definitely thought was straight, that I’d realized that I wanted to kiss him!”

I blush a little at my outburst, reminding myself to be quieter if I don’t want my whole family to hear our conversation. Cam’s mouth relaxes into a nervous smile, and he looks up at me, shrugging slightly.

“Yeah, well… There you go then. That’s pretty much why.”

He watches my face intently. When the meaning of his words hit my eyes widen, the blush on my cheeks burning deeper and spreading down my neck in a way that I’m sure is super attractive. Oh… Ohhhhhh… So, he, hm…

“You wanted to kiss me?”

“Very badly.”

“Before today.”

“Yes, El.”

“For how long?”

“Well,” he smiles shyly, glancing over at me. “Let’s just say, a while.”

I grin, popping a piece of pancake into my mouth as I think about that. We finish our breakfast, setting our plates on top of the dresser. I rub my hands down my thighs, taking in Cam reclining on my bed. He looks too posed to be relaxed, the stiff set of his shoulders as they stretch his arms over his head giving him away.

“I guess,” he drawls. “I was just kind of wondering, if you might… You know.”

“Do I?” I lean against the dresser, crossing my arms.

“If you want to, like… Kiss, more. Again. Maybe, you know, regularly?”

“Camden,” I raise an eyebrow. “Are you propositioning me?”

“I should go,” he sits up quickly, flushing.

“No!” I reach for his hand. “Cam, I’m just joking.”

He pauses, his hand warm and unexpectedly soft in mine. I swallow, drifting my thumb across the pad of his palm. Small calluses break up the smooth flesh, dots of protection from the leather of many footballs that have left their mark. Cam closes his eyes, turning back to me. They open slowly, pinning me in place.

“I want to kiss you,” he says. “But only if you want to kiss me, too.”

“I want to kiss you,” I murmur, eyes locked on his lips.

I watch as they turn up at the corners, moving closer as he takes a step towards me. His arm slowly rises, sliding his hand into the curls at the base of my neck. As our lips press together I step closer to him, my hand drifting up to grab his bicep. Cam pulls back slightly, resting his forehead against mine. My hand squeezes his arm where it rests, exploring it as if it has a mind of its own.

“Is this where you ask me to be your boyfriend?” I ask.

“Do you want to be my boyfriend?” He looks directly into my eyes.

“Yes…” I breathe, raising my free hand to his jaw.

Camden raises his warm palm to rest over mine. He closes his eyes and kisses me again, and I pull myself closer to him. This feels so different than any kiss I’ve ever had, so right, even as the strange thought drifts through my mind that this is my best friend in my arms… When he pulls back, I smile.

“Wow,” I say lamely.

“Yeah,” he grins. “Wow.”

Cam tugs me back gently, landing on the edge of my bed and scooting back and over so I can join him. I settle in at his side, crossing my hands behind my neck. At the foot of the bed, our feet rock and shift to bump each other, and I watch with a smile.

“So, then,” Cam starts. “What are we? Boyfriends?”

“Yeah.” I turn my head to watch him, feeling inexplicably shy. “I’d like to be boyfriends.”

“Do your parents know?”

A knot tightens in my stomach.

“No,” I swallow. “I’m not sure if I am ready to tell them yet.” He nods. “Does, uh, does your dad know? That you’re gay?”

“Yeah,” he reaches out with a pinky, hooking it into the edge of my shirt and keeping it as a source of contact. “He knows. But, we don’t have to tell him we’re together… If you don’t want to.”

“I’d want to, eventually,” my eyes burn as I work to keep my breathing slow and even. “Just… Not yet.”

“Okay.”

“You’re not… mad?”

“No,” he shakes his head. “It’s okay.”

“I just, um,” I clear my throat, the fire in the corner of my eyes unbearable as I try to keep the tears inside. “I’m kind of…. Scared.”

My voice breaks on the last word, and a single tear escapes from the corner of my right eye and slides towards the pillow. The bed dips slightly when Cam rolls onto his side to face me, raising his hand to my shoulder as he rests his cheek on his other arm.

“Yeah?” He asks.

“Mm,” I nod, taking a moment to sort out my thoughts. “I’m not sure what my parents will think… how they’ll react. And then there’s the kids at school, the guys on the team… Casey.” We lay together in silence, Cam’s thumb rubbing a slow comforting path across my shoulder as he lets me think. “You’re my best friend. And when I think about you being my boyfriend…” he smirks as a blush glows across my cheekbones. “Well, I like that a lot, too.”

“Me too,” Cam reaches his left arm straighter, twirling a curl as he speaks. “We don’t have to tell anyone. We can be boyfriends and still just keep it between you and me, until we’re ready for them to know.”

“You’re sure, that doesn’t make you feel bad?”

My heart feels like there’s a cold hand gripping it, squeezing it more tightly with every word I say. But Cam’s soft smile sinks through my skin, warming me with its brightness. His right hand trails down my shoulder and across my arm, leaving a tingling path everywhere his light fingertips touch.

“Nothing feels bad, with you. I promise.” When he reaches my hand our fingers lace. “We’ll tell them, when we’re ready. Until then, boyfriend,” he says with a grin, . “it’s you and me.”

“You and me,” I agree, almost whispering as I lean up onto my right elbow for leverage and kiss my best friend one more time.

Cam looks up at me, eyes sparkling behind those glasses I love so much, and wrinkles his nose.

“I probably should head home, before dad flips a gasket… I’m not technically supposed to be going anywhere today. He’s not exactly thrilled about Friday.”

“How did he find out?”

“I guess I wasn’t as quiet as I thought,” he blushes and shrugs. “But it’s just for the weekend, so that’s something.”

I roll to face the other direction, swinging my legs off the edge of the bed and using the momentum to sit up. Cam sits up and inches across the bed, sitting next to me. He’s taller than me even sitting down, and when he leans over to rest his head against mine I feel a slow smile spread across my face.

“Have a good day… Boyfriend.”

“You too, El.” Cam tilts his jaw, kissing the side of my hair before standing.

I follow him, grabbing the plates off the dresser on the way out the door. We head down the hall and stairs, through the living room to the kitchen where mom is starting on the dishes from breakfast. She smiles as I set the plates on the counter and kiss her cheek, turning to look over her shoulder.

“Camden, are you heading out already?”

“Yes ma’am,” he smiles back. “I’ve got some homework I’ve gotta go work on.”

“Such a good boy.” She turns off the sink and wipes her hands before crossing to wrap her arms around him and give him a firm squeeze. “Have a good day, sweetheart.”

“Thanks, Mrs. Graves,” Cam hugs her back. “You too.”

I open the back door as mom releases him from her hold, tilting my head to the side to usher him in that direction and following him outside. Unexpected nerves bubble in the bottom of my stomach, and I tuck my thumbs into my pockets as I rock on my heels and look out to the empty street.

“I walked here,” Cam offers, following my gaze. “Do you want to ride together to school tomorrow?”

“Yeah,” I smile at him. “Yeah, that’d be great. Thanks.”

“Okay, well…” He raises his fist, suspending it in the air between us.

I blink at it. My eyes lift to meet his, and I raise a brow.

“What is that?”

“That’s, you know, for a fist bump.”

“Right,” I eye the hand again. “But you and I don’t…. What is that?”

“It’s,” he blushes, dropping his hand and looking embarrassed. “It means that I want to kiss you, and hold you, and I can’t do that so… I guess I’m not sure what else to do, instead.”

A grin spreads across my face. Keeping eye contact, I slowly raise my fist into the air. The left side of his mouth rises into a smirk, his glasses raising slightly, as his hand lifts again and our knuckles tap together. We both keep them touching for longer than a standard fist bump, before they drop back down to our sides.

“I’ll see you in the morning,” Cam starts off.

“See ya.” I call after him, watching him until he reaches the street and turns to walk to his house.

I wakeup Monday morning with a smile on my face. Yesterday had passed just like any other Sunday, but there was one big difference; now, Camden Holt is my boyfriend. Next to my head my phone dings, and I reach over to get it at once.

Good morning

Good morning… I can’t wait to see you

I pull the phone tightly to my chest, let out a deep breath, and sit up to get ready for school. It might still be ninety degrees outside today, but it’s September and I’m tired of waiting for fall to show up. My favorite flannels hang in the closet, so I grab a green one and tug it on over a white t-shirt and khaki pants. I take more time than usual in the bathroom, trying to make sure my unruly curls stay in some sort of order. Is it time for a haircut? My eyes lock onto my reflection in the mirror, and I shake my head. I’m being ridiculous, Cam has seen me nearly every day for seventeen years. Why would he care what I look like today, just because now he’s my boyfriend?

Boyfriend.I can’t help but grin again. Cam is my boyfriend.

I make myself go downstairs at a normal human pace, and put together a lunch for me and Beth. Hers goes onto the counter in a bag, and I stuff mine into my backpack. When I hear the rough crunch of tires on the road I sling my bag over my shoulder and hurry to the door, eager to get out and to Cam, but when I open the door I freeze. Where I expected to see my boyfriend is a red Jeep. Casey’s Jeep.

Through her deep window tint I see her eyes widen slightly, and she shifts uncomfortably in her seat as I watch her. A push from behind moves me out of the way as Beth slides around me in the doorway, flushing and looking a little nervous

“Sorry, Casey is taking me to cheer…” my little sister explains.

“Right, yeah,” I palm the back of my neck as I hear Glory approach. “You get your lunch from the kitchen?”

“I did, thanks.” Her mouth slides to the side, as if she feels like she should say something else. “I love you.”

“Love you too,” I lock the door behind us as I hear Cam pull into the driveway. “See you later.”

I turn to jog to the truck, but freeze again as I feel Casey’s eyes pin me to the wall. She’s looking between me and Cam, her eyes narrowing slightly as if to say ‘See? It’s always him you’re waiting for.’ And the worst part is, she’s right. I can’t believe how big I screwed up with Case… She deserves to be mad at me. Part of me wishes I’d broken up with her a long time ago, that I’d just been honest when I knew I didn’t feel what I was supposed to feel when we kissed… But there’s another part that knows she wouldn’t have taken that much better.

I hold up a hand in an awkward sort of wave, and her glance turns into an all-out glare. I wince, ducking my shoulders as I hurry over to Glory and hop inside. The roaring sound as Casey hits the gas and rushes far away from me, as fast as she can, is clear even through the steel of the door.

“Wow…” Cam says as he watches Casey drive away in the mirror. “I’m really glad that wasn’t awkward.”

My brows set into a firm line, and I shoot him a look before I bend over to fasten my buckle. He ignores me, laughing as he rests his right hand on my knee, squeezing for just a second before he moves his hand back to the shifter and pulls back out of the driveway.

“I really hurt her.” I say over my shoulder, watching the empty space where her car used to be.

“She’ll be okay,” Cam shrugs as he backs out of the driveway. “It might take a minute, but things will go back to normal. You’ll see.”

“I hope you’re right,” I look back at him, taking in his profile as the early-morning sun casts shadows over his features. God, he’s so handsome…

“I’m always right.” I scoff at his statement, and enjoy the smile that spreads across Cam’s face in response. His eyes slide to me, taking a slow appreciative path over me before he focuses back on the road. “You look good today,” he comments.

I grin, a surge of warmth rushing through me at the compliment, and relax back into my seat as we head to the school.