Chapter 13

Saturday morning comes slowly.I couldn’t tell you if I slept at all, but if I did I don’t feel rested. My brain is moving in a million directions at a hundred miles an hour, and I can’t seem to turn it off. Reaching for my phone, I sigh as I stare at my message log with Cam. I type a few words and erase them. Try again, and back it up. I finally land on something I hope is heartfelt, but casual.

Morning

I wanted to check on you

Your head okay?

I put my phone on the bedside table and lay back down, closing my eyes. Just go to sleep, and when you wake up you’ll see what he says. But no matter how many times I repeat the instructions to stop thinking, it isn’t fooling anyone. At some point, I roll to face the door, and I find myself resting a cheek on my hand and staring at the table as if I could will my phone to ring. Giving up on this fruitless exercise, I huff a sigh and pull a t-shirt on then walk to the door, crossing back to grab my phone before going downstairs.

Dad sits on the couch, recliner feet extended and a cup of coffee in his hand as he watches tv. He smiles when he notices me on the stairs, tilting his head in the direction of the kitchen as he speaks.

“Morning, sport! There are donuts and coffee in the kitchen if you want some.”

“Thanks,” I take a peek inside the white box on the kitchen table.

Mom and Beth have already been here, two pink smudges beneath a scattering of fallen sprinkles and coconut the only evidence of the strawberry monstrosities they claimed before I woke up. I grab a paper towel and stack the two cake donuts dad has brought home for me, one dipped in chocolate and the other dusting the box with cinnamon and sugar, before pouring myself a cup of coffee and curling my legs up to sit with him on the other end of the couch. I’m halfway through my first treat when the silence of the house hits me.

“Where’re the girls?” I ask between bites.

“Shopping,” he rolls his eyes dramatically but smiles. “I think I heard something about homecoming dresses, but your mom grabbed the credit card so they could be a while.”

“Oh,” I lean back into the couch, relaxing further. “Cool.”

Mom’s great, and the two of them together are both relationship goals and absolutely horrifying at the same time, but today I could just really use a little quiet time. Dad takes a look at the circles under my eyes and my favorite comfy pajama pants I put on last night even though they’re fuzzy and it’s a balmy 80 degrees at 10 am and pushes the remote closer to me, but doesn’t say a word. I smile at him, and we sit in companionable silence as we finish the movie he had playing.

When it’s over, I grab the remote and scroll until I find the first movie of my favorite trilogy; if anything will distract me, it’s this. But as the movie plays, I can’t seem to help but check my phone every few minutes for a reply that never rings through. I think I’m being discreet, but it must be more obvious than I think because when Dad dips a plate with a sandwich on it in front of me in between the first and second movie he ruffles my hair.

“Everything okay?” he asks gently.

“Yeah,” I half smile. “I’m fine.”

“Sure,” he pretends to believe me, but gives me a meaningful look as he settles back into his spot and pops the tab on a soda can. “But just so you know, if everything weren’t okay? I’m right here.”

“I know,” I give him a real smile. “Thanks. I love you, dad.”

“I love you too,” he winks and turns back to the movie.

We stay there for the rest of the day, only moving when mom and Beth finally show up with buckets of chicken in hand for dinner. Dad stretches and helps get their bags inside before he sneaks in a kiss from mom and sets the table with disposable dinnerware. She giggles and shoos him away when he reaches a slender arm to pinch her bottom on his way through, and Beth and I make a big show of disgust but honestly I kind of love that my parents are so in love. It’s nice, in a totally disgusting and possibly scarring way.

The craziness that is a dinner with my family actually pulls my mind away for a little while, and I laugh as Beth dramatically retells an epic battle mom had with the salesperson over the price of dresses on the clearance rack. My sides ache by the time I help clean up the table, and my chest feels looser than it has all week. I almost forget to check my phone before I go to bed, but when I do I see that there are still no new notifications. I settle back down to Earth as I brush my teeth and slip into bed, settling into sleep due to the sheer exhaustion of being awake since Friday morning.

I’m walking down the hallways of the school. They’re empty, eerily silent as I make my way through the turns and up the stairs, they seem longer than normal. I can’t seem to put my finger on where it is I’m heading. I start to turn around, brows furrowed, but then I see him. Camden, in an open pearl snap shirt and khakis, pushes his glasses further up his nose from where they’ve slipped as he puts books in his bottom locker. I stand there, frozen, and when he turns to notice me and a slow smile spreads across his face my heart starts beating so hard I can hear it. He stands. Takes a step. I take one too. We both stride towards each other, my arms glide smoothly up and around his neck even as his wind around my waist and pull me closer to him. My eyes are closed, my breath shallow and ragged as our foreheads press together. I bring one hand to his cheek, feeling the rough stubble growing there, and Cam squeezes me as he speaks.

‘I wasn’t sure if you saw me,’ he murmurs.

‘I see you.’ I open my eyes and sink into the blue ones on the other side of the glass.

‘I wasn’t sure if you wanted me.’ His gaze runs down my face and stops on my lips.

‘I want you,’ I breathe.

For a moment, time is frozen. My stomach clenches, the fear of rejection slowly seeping in from my toes and rising to fill me with dread. He isn’t saying anything… That was a mistake. I shouldn’t have said anything. He’s my best friend, but he doesn’t like me, and I’ve just ruined everything. I part my lips, trying to find the words to apologize, but then Cam is pulling me close. His head tilts and he gently kisses my palm. My heart stops. His lips hover briefly on my wrist, and my arm, and slowly he drifts to my lips, pressing me to him as our eyes drift closed…

I wake up on a disappointed moan, then flush and bury my face in the pillow. My eyes squeeze shut and I breathe out slowly, trying to clear my head of the images left behind by the dream. There’s no way to deny by now that I want more with Camden than friendship. What I can’t figure out is, does he feel the same way? Before Friday I would have said no chance. But the way he looked at me when the vodka took away his walls, the way he acted when I didn’t deny having feelings for someone… I close my eyes and see his face, the emotion swirling through his eyes as he says ‘You’ve been so weird this week, you won’t even look at me.’

Does he think I wasn’t talking to him because I wasn’t interested in him?

I frown, trying to settle back into sleep as Cam’s words replay in my mind. I’ve got to stop fixating on all of this, Camden has never made any kind of indication that he likes me. And I’m his best friend. If he were into guys, I would know. I think.

But then, I bite my lip in the dark. I didn’t say anything to him, either. My eyes squeeze tightly shut. Maybe he’s afraid… Hell, I know I’m afraid… This would be so much easier if he would just talk to me.

My hands fly to my eyes, rubbing hard as I blow out a shaky sigh. Giving up on sleep, I reach over to check the time on my cell. Five thirty. Maybe I just need to give up on sleep, get outside and clear my head. I crawl out of bed and cross to the closet, pulling on a pair of warm sweatpants and a hoodie to ward off the chill of the early morning air. I carefully slip downstairs and leave a note on the whiteboard hanging on the fridge.

Went for a run.

- E

Resting against the counter, I tie my shoestrings and stretch a little before making my way across the porch and down to the street. Without conscious direction, I find myself standing under Camden’s window. I look up, considering the dark squares, before reaching for a small stone and tossing it to bounce off the window. The tiny tink doesn’t seem to do the job, so I take a breath and try again. My arm pulls back, a third stone in my hand, when a vibration in my pocket makes me jump.

Is that you?

Yeah

I’m asleep, Elliot… Go home and go to bed.

Tried that… I needed to run

Come with me?

I watch the phone, eyes darting back to the window periodically as I wait for a response. I frown at the black screen, squeeze my hand around the final pebble, and start to wind back just as the front door opens and Cam slips out. He jogs towards me, raising an eyebrow behind his plastic frames as he takes in my stance.

“Good morning,” I murmur as I drop the rock.

“It isn’t morning yet,” he slips his hands into his hoodie pocket. His sleepy eyes scan me, and I feel heat rise up my neck.

Is he just tired, or did he just check me out?

“Right,” my voice slides, and I clear my throat as I turn and start jogging down the street.

I breathe out sharply and roll my shoulders as Cam catches up and falls into place beside me. He lets me set the pace, easily keeping up as we follow our familiar route. Tension seems to slip away as our feet pound on the pavement, my breath coming in little puffs of air. I push myself harder as we rise up a hill, then clench my abs to hold back and go slower on the way down. Cam passes me as he lets gravity push him to the bottom, and I grin for a moment. When it levels out I catch up to him, and without speaking a word we both adjust our pace to a jog. We’re both breathing heavily when we get to the water tower and slide to a stop underneath it.

I drop down, bracing my weight on my hands with my feet out in front of me as I measure my breathing. Cam mirrors my position, and I turn to him with a smile. The sun is just beginning to rise, and I can make out Cam’s features as he watches me.

“Thanks for coming with me,” I say.

“Yeah, well,” he half-smiles. “You asked me to…”

“Is everything okay?” I ask, blushing. “With us?”

“Yes,” he sighs. “I’m sorry, about Friday…”

“It’s okay.”

“No, I was embarrassed… I thought, the other day, that I knew… how you were feeling.” We both look forward, studiously taking in the sun’s slow ascent. “But then, you wouldn’t talk to me, and I uh, well I thought… That I was wrong, about how you felt about the breakup.”

“Oh.” A flush creeps up my cheeks.

“I guess I thought you had regrets about what you said.” He leans back into his hands a little more and they slide slightly farther apart. “About not liking Casey?”

“What, Casey?” I frown. “No, Cam, I told you… I’ve told you I don’t feel that way about Casey.”

“Someone else, then? Who?” I can’t read his tone. It might be easier to decipher if I look at his face, but I’m afraid that if I did that he might see more than he wants to.

“Someone I care about,” I take a steadying breath, hoping he can’t hear my heart beating from its position in my throat. “Very much.” I glance to the ground, where our fingertips are inches apart. Had I moved my hand, or had he moved his?

We sit in silence, the stillness of the air shocking against the energy I feel vibrating all around me like my own little atmosphere. I wonder if Cam can feel it, if he has his own atmosphere too. I think about our fingers, which are maybe a centimeter closer than they’d been a moment before… What would it feel like if those two fields came together? Would they spark and explode, destroying everything we’ve built around us for all of these years?

“Elliot,” he murmurs, his low voice sending a wave of electricity gliding from my shoulders down my back and spine. “Who is it?” You. “You always tell me everything…” Just not this… “But it feels like you put up, like, a wall between us.” His voice has an edge of hurt to it, out of the corner I see him set his jaw before continuing. “The other day,” he continues. “If I said, or did something that you didn’t like…”

“Camden…” Was that a confession, or a plea for him to stop asking? “I wish…” I wish I could know if I’m making a huge mistake. “That things were always simple. You know?”

“Simple is boring,” he smiles sadly into the sunrise. “Are they worth losing sleep over?”

“Yes.” I answer without hesitation. We sit in silence for a moment.

“Are you going to tell them that?” I can feel his hand inch closer this time. What if I held his hand? Is that what he wants? I swallow hard. What if I’m wrong? It would ruin everything.

“I don’t know,” I flatten my hands, slowly allowing my fingers to break the gap. I feel sparks shoot between our fingertips like arcs on a welder. “I think they’re worth losing almost anything over.” My voice is slightly too husky to be described as a whisper.

“Almost?” I feel his eyes on me.

“Almost,” I confirm.

The air is so still, I swear time stops moving. We breathe shallowly, in small puffs that betray our nerves as they float away like smoke signals in the morning air. My eyes drift from the rising sun to our hands, so close to being intertwined. Just about to jump off the edge. I swallow hard. So slowly I might have missed it if my body would allow me to blink, I watch Camden’s fingers drift into mine. They slot into place as if they’d been carved to fit together. I don’t breathe as his thumb drifts up onto my knuckles, then release it in a hiss as he brushes down over my own thumb. I turn to look at him. His hair glows golden in the sun, and the blush on his cheeks makes his eyes shine bluer behind his glasses. In their depths, I see a mirror of my own mind. Fear. Doubt. And stronger than all of that… something else.

“El,” an implied question.

“Cam,” a breathy consent.

Cautiously, we drift towards each other. I pause halfway, my eyes shutting as I take a steadying breath and give him a chance to say I have the wrong idea. Every nerve in my body is alert as Camden crosses the gap, nuzzling his nose against my jaw at the hollow under my ear and slowly… so slowly… drifting it towards my chin. I tilt my face, adjusting my lips to meet his in a light and tentative brush. When he doesn’t pull away I bring my hand up to gently cup the back of his neck, increasing the pressure slightly. Camden’s hand shifts to rest on my thigh as he pulls himself closer, and I am lost.

I don’t believe I’ve ever really kissed someone until this moment. The pressing of my face to someone else’s has never made me feel this way, like we”re sharing each other’s life force. Like I might die if we stop.

When we finally pull apart, we’re both breathing hard and my hand is shaking as my thumb traces the curve of my best friend’s jawline, I feel tears prick against my bottom lashes. Camden, bathed in golden sunlight, glasses tilted slightly and his bottom lip swollen from the work it’s just been doing, is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. His eyes are warm and melty, but he doesn’t say a word. He just watches me. My stomach clenches in the fear that I’ve just made a huge mistake.

“Do you want to go home?” Do you want me to leave you alone?

“No,” he lays back, the knee farthest from me bent while the other leg lies straight in front of him pointing to the sunrise. “Not just yet.”

“Okay,” I stare over the hill. My brain races a hundred miles a minute, but I can’t seem to form a single coherent thought.

Feeling Cam’s eyes on me, I slowly recline on my elbows before dropping to lay next to him. He scoots sideways to lie closer to me, closing his eyes and reaching for my hand. Easy as breathing, our fingers intertwine, and my eyes squeeze shut as I breathe out all of the tension I didn’t know I held in my shoulders.

Oh, thank God…

I don’t know how long we lie there before I feel him shift up onto his elbow. A shadow falls over my face before I feel the gentle pressure of lips brush over my eyes, my nose, and down to my jaw. I turn my head, seeking his lips as a blush climbs up my neck, and he gladly complies. We lay forehead to forehead, and I dare to open my eyes and look into his.

“We should probably head back,” Cam murmurs. “Sun’s up.”

“Yeah, okay,” I stand, watching him nervously from the corner of my eye as we start walking. Fighting the insane urge to take his hand, to seek confirmation that the last moments hadn’t been my imagination, I shove them firmly into the pocket of my hoodie. I nearly trip when he breaks the silence.

“Is it football?” He asks as we near the first houses in our neighborhood.

“What do you mean?”

“The exception,” his eyes are fixed firmly ahead of us. “The thing that isn’t worth losing… the thing that would hold you back? Is it football?”

The silence grows thick between us as we take the block. He starts to speak quickly.

“Because I get that,” his jaw sets. “But I think you’re wrong. I think it would be okay, we don’t have to make it weird… I wouldn’t force you into anything, I know this is your first shot at varsity, but I just really wish you would-”

“It isn’t about football,” I interrupt gently.

“Oh.” We turn the corner and approach his house. “Well…” he speaks quietly. “Will you tell me what it is?”

We slow on his sidewalk. I take a breath and let it out shakily.

“There is one thing, Camden, that I don’t ever want to lose. And I’m so afraid that if I… if we… that if things… if I was wrong.” I look at his feet. “I could lose it. And then I don’t know what I would do…”

“If you were wrong?” He frowns, reaching for my pinky with his own in a quick brush, easy to miss by anyone passing by. His brow furrows as he runs a million things past himself.

“Our friendship, Cam.” I force myself to look into his eyes. “If I wanted more from you, and it meant we lose what we have, it wouldn’t be worth it.” The air crackles between us, emotion rising in both of our chests, but before anything more can be said my eyes flick to his lips and then away. “Thanks for the run,” I turn on my heel, throwing my hand up in a wave as I hurry down the street towards my house.