39. Ashley

39

ASHLEY

Have you ever had a day where everything goes wrong? Well, today was one of those days. This morning had been a disaster from the second I opened my eyes. I overslept, thanks to my alarm not going off. Sleep had been difficult to come by lately. The closer it got to Christmas, the worse my nights were. Unlike kids who were excited about the holiday, I was dreading it. It was the day that I would no longer be obligated to be married to Declan Wolfe.

I was running late thanks to my oversleeping. I rushed down the entryway to the front door.

“Meow,” Mr. Purrfect protested loudly.

“Shit!” I slid to a halt, Tom Cruise Risky Business style, in my pantyhose-clad feet.

They were the second pair of pantyhose I’d donned this day. The first pair had a snag in them that I only discovered after pulling them on, which only added to my growing list of disasters for the day.

Along with my ruined nylons, the dress I was wearing was my third option. I’d purchased an emerald green, backless, long-sleeved dress that accentuated my curves, but when I pulled it over my head, I managed to smear foundation all along the collar. With dress one a victim of a makeup wardrobe malfunction, I’d grabbed my ’50s style vintage floral midi dress and put it on, only to discover the zipper was broken. Strike two in my What Not to Wear Wedding Edition. The only other winter-appropriate wedding dress I owned was the one I was now wearing; it was a royal blue, form-fitting dress that hit me mid-calf, which made the Risky Business slide that much more risky. With the way this day was going, I wouldn’t be at all surprised if I split the seam on my backside.

After quickly doing a booty seam check and finding my dress intact, I exhaled a sigh of relief and apologized to Mr. Purrfect as I detoured to the kitchen, popped open a can of cat food, and dumped it into his bowl. “I’m sorry.”

I set the bowl down, gave my tabby a quick kiss on his head, and then headed back to the front door. I slipped my feet into the nude Vera Wang heels, pulled on my camel trench coat, and grabbed the present, a scarf, and mittens for good measure. Daphne and Harlan’s wedding was going to be held in a tent in their backyard on the farm. I knew there would be heaters, but I typically ran cold, and since I was going to be Han Solo-ing it, I wouldn’t have anyone to snuggle up to for heat.

Part of me was disappointed that I’d told Declan not to come to the wedding, but another part of me knew that it was for my own good.

The part that was disappointed was the voice in my head that kept trying to talk me into staying in the marriage. It was doing a very good job at convincing me that I could be content, happy even, being married to Declan, even if he never loved me. It was making the argument that I could love him enough for the both of us.

The part that was telling me it was for my own good was the voice that was saying that staying in the marriage was just prolonging the inevitable. It said I might be happy for a year, two, maybe even five, but there was no way that I would ever be able to be truly fulfilled in a loveless marriage. Even if the sex was amazing and all my other needs were met. I needed love. I needed quality time. I needed to build a life with someone. I needed a husband who was available physically and emotionally.

It’s for the best, I assured myself as I opened the door and found Declan standing on my porch looking sexier than should be legally allowed. It had been one week since I’d seen him. We’d only texted in the past seven days. I hadn’t answered any of his nightly check-in calls.

“What are you… why are you… I told you not to…” I stammered.

“I know, but we agreed that you would come to the Christmas party, and I would be your date to the wedding, so I’m here. If you want me to leave, I will.”

Did I want him to leave? No.

Should he leave? Yes.

Should vs. want.

Want vs. should.

Who was I kidding? There was no way I could turn him away.

“It’s kind of hard to tell you to leave when you show up looking like that.”

“Like what?”

“Like Captain Dreamboat from Planet Handsome.”

He smiled as I stepped out onto the porch, turned, and locked the door. As we walked to the car, he took the present from me and then opened the passenger side door. Add Colonel Gentleman to his list of titles.

As we drove, the silence that hung between us was driving me a little crazy. The farm wasn’t that far away, and I felt like we had a lot to say and nothing to say at the same time.

“So, have you been busy this week?” he asked.

“What?”

“Have you been busy or just avoiding me?”

“It’s always busy around this time of year,” I answered without really answering.

Even though there was no reason not to tell him the truth, I didn’t feel like there was any point. The conversation wouldn’t lead to anything productive.

“Right.”

There was a tension between us that had never been there before. At least not in person. Over emails, before we knew each other’s identities, sure. But not since the launch.

“How’s Stella?” I asked.

I hadn’t spoken to her in a couple of weeks. I actually had been busy getting set up to start the new year with the grand opening of Artistic Horizons. And Christmas was always a busy time of year.

“She’s good. She started playing Mahjong with the woman who runs the boarding house.”

“Mrs. B, that’s great!” I was happy that she was settling into life here.

Neither of us said another word until we pulled into the parking area beside the Mitchell farm. There were over fifty pickup trucks lined up. It was definitely a country wedding.

“Hannah says hi, by the way,” Declan relayed as we pulled to a stop beside Hank’s 4×4.

“Oh, tell her I said hi.” I smiled as I glanced over at him.

His soulful brown eyes were so deep I could easily drown in them. “She loves you.”

“I love her, too.”

“Everyone loves you,” he said with a weight as if it meant something.

Yeah, everyone but you.

A knock sounded on the passenger window, and I jumped. I turned and saw Miss Shaw on the other side of the window.

“What are y’all doin’? Yer gonna miss the I dos!”

“We’re coming,” I assured her.

I started to reach for the door handle, but Declan stopped me. “Wait.”

His commanding voice sent a shiver of tingles through me. It wasn’t just his touch, or his kiss, or his smell, or his eyes, or his body that I would miss; it was his voice. That deep, sexy voice. It did things to me.

Why did everything about the man have to be so sexy?

On the way into the tent, Declan placed his hand on my lower back the way he always did. It felt right, the way it always did. We sat down, and at least half the people in attendance turned to look our way. I knew that people would be talking about who my date was. If they knew the whole story, their tongues would really be wagging. Which, side note, I used to think was ‘tongues wagon,’ like someone pulled a wagon of the tongues of people talking about you.

When I’d initially decided to include Declan as my plus one to the wedding into the agreement, it was because I was tired of not having dates to things, but I hadn’t taken into account the repercussions and aftermath of what it was going to be like answering the questions of what happened when we ‘broke up.’ I would just have to tell them it didn’t work out. Thankfully, I didn’t think anyone would bat an eye that my relationship with a hot billionaire hadn’t worked out.

The ceremony was what Jimmy now referred to as the Sabrina Carpenter version of vows, short and sweet, like her album title of the same name. It might have been even shorter than ours. Unlike our wedding, Daphne and Harlan wrote their own vows. I tried to pay attention and be present, but all I could think about was how nice it was to sit beside Declan and have his hand on my knee. It was the most natural thing in the world.

Besides being distracted by his touch, I kept flashing back to our wedding. How real it had felt. Especially when Declan added that he would be the Clyde to my Bonnie. And then, when he’d slipped the ring on my finger, and for just one moment, that may have been the most real moment of all. The ring that I wore almost every night. Something no one, not Skylar, Nadia, or even Declan, knew.

“I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride!”

As the guests erupted in cheers, two tears fell down my face. I lifted my hand and wiped them away as I attempted to sniff back the emotion. Thankfully, a lot of people cried at weddings, so it wasn’t as if anyone knew the real reason for my waterworks. It had nothing to do with the couple coming down the aisle and everything to do with the man seated beside me.

The man who was my husband, who promised to have and to hold me, for better or worse, in sickness and in health, to be faithful to me, to protect, honor, and respect me, to support my dreams, goals, and visions, and to be my partner and confidant.

But not to love me. That was the one thing he couldn’t give me.

Watching Harlan and Daphne exchange vows had made things clear to me. Seeing their love had clarified why I couldn’t stay married to Declan no matter how much I wanted to…it was because I loved him. If I didn’t, then I could maybe be happy in a loveless marriage. But there was no way I could be happy in a marriage where the love I felt wasn’t reciprocated. That kind of constant rejection would destroy me.

So no matter how much it hurt, no matter how tempting it was to stay, in five days, I had to leave; I had to walk away.