Chapter 16

After Vavi was taken and I lost the wild orcs’ trail, I cried all night, sometimes all day, missing my sister—and my best friend. She meant the world to me, and then she was gone.

Was she still alive? That thought kept me awake for days on end, turning me into a ghost of myself. I couldn’t be there for Dad, as miserable as I was, and he was too distraught to be there for me, either. We co-existed, trying to muddle our way through our grief together. It was up to Fio to comfort me, and I spent many days and nights petting his soft, thick fur, or riding around the countryside hoping I would spot an elk so I could feel worthwhile.

Somehow, being apart from Jar’kel is nearly as awful. It feels like a part of me has been ripped loose and is now floating away, while I try desperately to bring it back.

I don’t cry. Crying is for the weak. I remain hard, and eat my food, and stay inside my tent where no one can witness how pathetic I am. When the orcs leave for their raid, Vavi is alone and worried about Gorren’s safety, but I can’t be there for her. I can’t comfort her like she needs.

Has Jar’kel found a way out like he promised? If he does, will he escape in the night and abandon me? Unlike Jar’kel, I’ve proven myself to be a flight risk, so often I look outside my tent to find an orc standing not-so-subtly nearby. There’s no chance I’ll be getting out of here anytime soon.

I wait the next day for news that he’s fled in the night, but I hear nothing. Meals continue to be brought to me in silence, and I only eat occasionally. There’s no need to consume much when I’m not moving my body. Often I don’t even light the fire, and I simply hide in my bed under the furs trying to sleep because it’s easier than being awake. I simply have no energy to do anything, like it’s all been sapped from my body. The pull towards Jar’kel is sharp and powerful, and everything else fades into the background as I resist it.

At night, I reach down between my legs and touch myself, hoping to relive the moment he licked me to my blissful explosion. I close my eyes and imagine him there, tongue lashing my clit, his finger pumping in and out of me. But nothing I do can even compare.

I wonder if it will always be this way, wishing I’d never seen him outside city council that day, craving him and hating him with all of my heart.

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