Chapter 17

Jar’kel is daring me to slide my dagger through his ribcage, and I’m tempted to do it. After everything he’s said to me, how he used me and threw me away, I find that I want to kill him just as much as I want his arms around me. I long to never see him again as much as I crave his lips on mine.

How does this one asshole troll make me feel so much? It’s the most bruising punishment possible for him to be standing here in front of me, asking me to bare my bleeding soul to him.

“Do it,” Jar’kel says again, leaning even closer, so the tip of my blade presses into his skin and draws a pinprick of blood. His cool composure has melted, leaving behind something vulnerable and pained, and I can see a reflection of my own suffering on his face as clearly as I feel it in my gut. “I know you hate me,” he says quietly, “more than anything. So why not?”

The misery in his voice is a mirror to my own. But what does he have to pity himself for? He put up this barrier between us. He’s the one pushed me away and discarded me like garbage.

“Why not?” My voice goes high pitched and tight. Of course I want to hurt him as he’s hurt me. “Because I… I…”

I can’t say it. The ugly truth is that I need Jar’kel more than air to breathe, but I can’t give him that power over me. Not when he can so brutally injure me with it.

“Because you feel it, too?” he says, his words tinged with hope. “This aching hunger?”

I can’t deny that it’s consumed me, how badly I’ve wanted him back in this tent like he is now. Already my heart is hammering and my skin is warm, and I want nothing more than to collapse into his arms.

“I do,” I finally say, trying to keep in the tears. I can’t even lie to him—that’s the hold he has on me. “I feel it, too. But I can’t love someone who despises me.”

His lips part, and the deep crease between his brows fades. I can’t stop the tears anymore. They burst free in a powerful stream, flooding down my cheeks.

“I can’t help it,” I say, the words coming out as a sob. “I want to hate you back. I want you to go jump off a cliff, but just the thought…” I turn away from him so he can’t see me break. I wipe my face frantically, trying to stop the flow. “Please go away. Please stop torturing me like this. I never want to see you again, Jar’kel. Not ever.”

A soft hand lands on my shoulder. Just the touch of his four fingers on my bare skin makes my soul sing, but I shake him off and back away. I won’t let one gentle touch erase what he’s done.

“I’m sorry, Simka.” Jar’kel’s voice breaks as he sinks down to his knees, right in front of me. “For saying what I said. For putting you through this. I’m so, so sorry.” His head drops to his chest. “I want you. I need you. I’ve needed you for so long, before I even met you.”

What? I don’t understand.

“Then why—” I choke on it as it comes out. “Why would you…?” I won’t forget how cold his eyes were as he told me exactly how he felt about me, how he tore me open with just a few words.

Jar’kel takes a halting breath, still unable to meet my eyes. “Because I can’t do that to you. I can’t steal your first time in the blankets. I can’t fill you up with whelps the way every part of me wants, or I’ll take you down with me.”

His shoulders are trembling as he reaches out and wraps his hands around my legs, then sinks against me. His touch sends a ripple of pleasure through my entire body. “I can’t bind you to me knowing I’ll just leave you while you’re still young. Knowing I’ll want nothing more than to have a family with you, only to abandon them when I…” His voice catches, and he can’t utter the last word.

Oh. Suddenly, I understand. It crashes over me like a tidal wave on the rocky shore, knocking over everything in its path.

Jar’kel does want me. He wants me, but can’t bear to hurt me. To leave me, when his life someday comes to an end.

“When I go, Simka,” he says, voice barely above a whisper, “there’s a good chance you’ll go, too. What then? I can’t do that to you, or to them.”

If he thinks I’m afraid of some far-off thing like that… I huff with frustration. Why couldn’t he have told me the truth? Why did he have to put us both through this?

“We can’t live in fear!” His head jerks up at my reprimand, and his eyes are wet around the edges. “Anything could happen to us in the future, Jar’kel. I could get mauled and eaten by a bear. You could fall into a trapper’s pit and never come home. But we still have to live our lives. If you spend every day thinking it might be your last, you’ll never have a chance to be happy.”

It’s as if he doesn’t understand the word. “Happy?” His brow creases. “There’s no way this ends in happiness for either of us. I’m a dead-end for you.”

What’s happened in his long life to make him believe he can’t have joy? That he doesn’t deserve it?

“What if I want the chance?” I ask him, and my voice breaks. “Even if it ends someday, what if… what if I want to live what life we have together?”

His grip on my legs tightens. “Simka, you don’t want this. You don’t want me. I will ruin you.”

But I’m not some sweet creature whose innocence he has to protect.

“What if I want you to ruin me?” I ask quietly, reaching down to stroke his hair. His eyes grow huge.

“You can’t mean that.” Jar’kel’s grip on me tightens. “You don’t know what you’re asking for.”

I’m tired of this, of him pushing me away. If he won’t cross the chasm between us, then I will.

“Get up,” I demand. Confusion flashes across his face. “Get up, now.”

With a shudder, he rises to his feet. “Simka…?”

“Take off your clothes.” I channel all my frustration and need into the words. “All of them this time.”

His expression is uncertain. Then, uneasily, he takes off the cloak I gave him, dropping it to the floor. His corporal’s jacket follows, but when he reaches his shirt, he pauses.

“Everything,” I say. “Now.” My desire has erupted into a bonfire, and I can’t deny it any longer, not with him standing in this tent with me. I know he feels it, too, but he’s too caught up in the lies he’s been telling himself to see.

Eyebrows furrowed, Jar’kel obeys, lifting off his shirt to reveal the body I’ve thought about for so many nights and days, the scarred chest I imagined earlier while I touched myself, wishing it was him, trying desperately to recapture the glorious pleasure he gave me. He unlaces his pants hastily, fumbling to get them off and peel them down his legs.

At last, I see it: the dark blue cock hanging between his thighs. I drop the blanket I’ve been holding around my naked body, and somehow his eyes get even bigger.

“Get on the bed,” I bark. Frozen to the spot, Jar’kel doesn’t move until I gesture at the messy pile of furs. “Go.”

He follows my instructions, sitting down on the edge of the bed. I climb on top of him, and he gasps as I settle on his lap, that length pressed between my legs as it starts to thicken and swell. Just the sight of it has sent my blood cascading into my hips, filling me with a blistering, carnal desire.

I’ve needed him so badly, and I know he’s needed me, too, by the way his body instantly reacts to mine, hardening for me, his belly tensing and his breaths quickening. I slide along him, dragging my wet heat over the shaft of his cock, and he groans.

“Simka—” he says, but I take his long tusk in my hand and yank his head closer, silencing him.

“Shut up.” Before I can take his mouth in mine, though, Jar’kel is already kissing me, seizing me by the nape of my neck and pulling me against him. Our lips crash together, and oh, how I missed his kiss, how it lights me on fire. He groans as I demand he open his mouth for me, my tongue lancing inside to snatch up his. His hands drag down my back, squeezing my flesh, bringing me even closer to his body. He cups my ass in his palms and guides me over his cock again and again, leaving my wetness all along it. His hips jerk with each pass while he consumes me with his lips and tongue and teeth.

I know where he fits, where he belongs. I lift myself up and reach down to find that creature between his legs, taking it roughly in my hands. He groans as I stroke him harshly, pulling the skin up over the wide, mushroom head and then sliding it down again. He’s already leaking creamy white from the slit at the tip, and while I may not know much about cocks, I’m pretty sure that means he’s starving for me the way I am for him.

“Tell me what it is you really want, Jar’kel,” I growl, moving my hand faster. “Without fear. Without trying to do what’s best for me. Tell me what you need.”

“You,” he says without hesitation, his body responding to me with every stroke. “I need you.”

I position myself so I’m hovering over his waist, the shaft of his cock now resting between us. His eyes are soft but hungry, tender but filled with fear. “Simka, you?—”

“I want you to fuck me,” I interrupt, sliding myself forward so that thick, heavy thing eases into the divot that leads inside me, towards that starving spot that will only be sated by him. I rub it across my clit and back again, smearing his juices all over me.

My troll’s chest is heaving, his hands trembling even as they clutch me tight against him. His red eyes are as full of lust as they are trepidation. “We won’t be able to go back if we do this.”

How do I make him see? How do I convince him that I’m not some delicate doll he has to worry about breaking? That huge cockhead slides around my entrance, and Jar’kel groans as his crown presses against my pussy. I need him inside me more than I need food or water or sunshine. I lower myself, fitting that head against the small cavern inside me.

“Stop thinking,” I tell him. “And let yourself be happy.”

At last, his wall crumbles in front of me. Jar’kel leans down so his forehead rests against mine, and his gravelly voice comes out barely a whisper. “If I am what you want,” he says, “then you can have me.”

With those words, I let myself sink down, because I know exactly what I want. But that wide cockhead is far, far too big to fit. So I press down harder, and I can’t help the cry that comes out of me as everything pinches. My body tries desperately to stretch, but there’s so little give.

Jar’kel whimpers my name as I try again. He cradles my body tight against his, supporting me as I push harder. “Simka, be careful?—”

Then something breaks, flooding me with pain, and his cock slips through.

“Ah!” I wasn’t prepared for just how much it would hurt. Jar’kel’s brows tilt with worry, but as he fills me up so full I think I might just explode, his mouth drops open and a moan escapes his lips. Tears fall from my eyes as that massive girth seeks to fit into my small body. Every part of me is stretching, expanding, trying desperately to accommodate him. Underneath the sharp, blistering pain is a deep satisfaction, a powerful flame of pleasure.

He’s right where I need him—right where he belongs.

“Fuck,” Jar’kel groans, his face pressing into my shoulder, his tusk cold against my skin. “Simka, I… You feel…”

I try my hardest to fall into his lap, and my troll moans raggedly as I take as much of him into me as I can. Then I rise up again, needing more friction, needing to relive that first thrust with a second one. I slide down over him once more, and the burn returns. Jar’kel’s arms wrap around me tight, and he brings his face down to mine, kissing my mouth, my nose, my cheeks. He licks up my tears, then presses his lips to my closed eyes, too. His hands cup my ass, lifting me up, then bringing me gently down over him again. I cry out, my channel spreading wide to fit him, and Jar’kel groans with pleasure. Again, I swallow him up, his cock inside me making a wet sound as it buries itself deep.

“Simka. Simka.” He chants my name, wrapping me up as tight as he can in his arms, his tusks framing my face as he plunders my mouth. I continue lifting my hips and then lowering them, reuniting with him over and over again. Every time we come together, a bolt of searing bliss lances through me. It’s as if I can feel his pleasure inside me, seeping in through his flesh against mine as my pussy wraps around him tight. It throbs with both pain and bliss.

“It hurts, doesn’t it?” he says quietly, slowing my movements.

I bite my lip and nod, because I can’t lie to him, not ever again. He slowly eases me up, so his cock slips out of me.

“Jar’kel,” I whimper, because I need him back. He kisses me roughly, letting me know just how much he wants me. Curling his arms around my body, he switches our positions so I’m now down on the bed, my belly exposed to him.

He crouches over me, a huge, blue beast, his lips twisted up with pure hunger as he spreads my legs. Fisting the root of his cock in his hand, he guides it once more between my thighs.

“I’m going to fill you so full of me,” he says, panting, a feverish desperation in his eyes I’ve never seen before. “I’m going to fuck you until you drench my cock.”

Just his words send fire spreading across my body. “Yes,” I whine. “Yes, please!”

When he enters me from this position, he slides in as smooth as silk. I cry out, and he grips my thighs so tight that his nails bite into my skin. It hurts much less like this, and as he buries himself deep, all I feel is him.

This is the Jar’kel who’s been waiting inside, held in tight so he doesn’t devour me. Now I want to be consumed.

My troll pulls out, gasping for air, his red eyes huge and soft and yet ravenous. His way is even easier now, even slicker, as he pumps in and out, his hips thrusting wildly as he takes me. He falls down onto his elbows and presses another kiss to my lips, sliding his tongue through them, worrying them in his teeth. I don’t realize that I’m calling out his name over and over as he fills me and then empties me again, his cock dragging over a blistering-hot place inside me.

Now, I can see all of him. Jar’kel’s tough defenses have peeled away, and in its place is a tender soul that aches for connection. I want to wrap my hands around it and hold it softly, to tell it he will never be alone again, not while I live. He is mine, thoroughly, completely, and I am his. The bright line that links us together is now unbreakable.

Jar’kel reaches down between us, where our bodies are joined, and strokes my spread lips. Then he glances over my clit with his thumb, and my whole body jerks under him as pure euphoria ripples through me. Again and again, he thrusts while rubbing me, his own moans matching mine. Through the ache, a powerful pleasure is spreading across my body, tendrils of fire racing through my skin. My head falls back and I’m screaming now, my neck taut with all of my unspent tension. My thighs wrap tight around his hips, drawing him deeper, and Jar’kel moans helplessly as his hand moves even faster.

“Fuck, Simka!” His shoulders curl tight to protect us, to shield us from the world. Together we are a barrier against the storm, holding it up as one. “You are mine. Mine. Forever.” He gasps the words as he pumps harder, that hand drawing me tighter and tighter around him, until he’s struggling to pull his cock out again. His red eyes are locked on mine as he plunders me, and I know then that he feels what I do, how we’re now twined together, two parts of one.

“I am,” I moan. “Forever.” I don’t know how long forever will be, but I’ll treasure all of it.

The sensation creeping up my neck is unlike anything I’ve ever felt before. My whole body goes rigid, my muscles screaming for relief as finally, I go sprinting right off the edge of my peak. I sob my pleasure as I tumble over into nothingness, clinging to Jar’kel with all of my pent-up hopes and dreams. He tries to pull out of me, but I’m clenched so tight around him he struggles to move.

“You’re so tight,” he groans. “Yes. Give me everything.” He thrusts in once more, harder and deeper than ever before, and a burst of wet heat fills me up. Jar’kel crushes me under him as he pumps again, and again, filling me up even more, slamming into me with all the power in his body, his cock making obscene sounds as his come spurts out.

Finally, his frantic motions stop, and he collapses. My troll brackets my face with his one whole tusk and his one broken one, and we’re panting as if we’ve both run ten miles.

“My Simka,” Jar’kel whispers as his torrent leaks out of me, running down to my ass. Now the bite is more exquisite than ever, but instead I float along on the slowly-receding wave of my pleasure. He draws me close to him, squeezing me so tight I might vanish into him.

“My Jar’kel,” I whisper back, and he chuckles against my forehead, kissing it over and over.

At last, I’m where I belong.