12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

Christian

I sat on my bed, one of my fuzzy pillows on my lap, as I stared at my phone screen, re-reading the text from my dad for the hundredth time.

Dad: I'm sorry. I can't make it this time, kiddo. I'll make it

up to you. Work is killing me.

My lip trembled as my eyes watered. I hadn't responded to him yet, and I wasn't sure I would. We were supposed to spend every other weekend together, but I'd only seen him once in the four months since we moved to Loudoun County.

What did it matter if he had to work? Not that I believed him. It wasn't like I was a toddler who demanded constant care. I could fend for myself and didn't need babysitting.

I tried not to believe that he didn't want to see me. What happened? I thought we got along fine, and he accepted me the way I was, or so I believed. Was I wrong? Did I imagine it?

A soft knock sounded on my door. "Christian?"

"Come in."

Mom opened the door, came in, and sat on the edge of the bed. She wore her purple scrubs, which meant she was heading to work soon.

"Your dad texted. I'll have a stern talking to with him when I get off work," she said.

"What's the point? You've tried that before, and it hasn't changed anything."

I picked at some pink fuzz from my pillow as Mom patted my leg. "I'm so sorry, sweetheart. Do you want to talk about it?"

I shook my head.

"When I get home tonight, let's go out for pizza or whatever you want."

"Thanks, but I'm not in the mood."

She sighed loudly and opened her arms. I sat up and fell into her. Her warmth and love pulled the tears from me. "You're loved, Christian."

"I love you, too."

"Why don't you do something with Darren today? Getting out will make you feel better."

"Maybe."

I didn't want him to see me like this. He was so strong and brave, and I just felt weak and pathetic. Darren was working, anyway.

She pulled away and touched my face. "I've got to go. Call me if you need anything."

I just nodded, and she left, closing the door behind her.

After a nap, I shoved my mood deep inside, climbed out of bed, removed my pajamas, and tossed on a pair of jeans, a T-shirt, and a hoodie .

I stepped into the mudroom to put on my black Wellies with dogs on them because it had been raining, so it was muddy out there.

When I was putting on my parka, Grandma came in with a brown paper lunch bag. "Would you mind giving some carrots to the horses?" she asked.

I pulled on my favorite pink knitted beanie with a white faux fur pompom on top and grabbed the bag. "Sure," I said.

"Are you okay, sweetie?"

I gave her a one-shoulder shrug, unable to look up at her.

"That damn man… Well, when you come back in, I'll have some hot cocoa waiting for you."

"Thanks."

The December morning was as dreary as my mood. The rain had turned into a fine mist, chilling my face. I tried not to think about Dad missing out on Christmas, but I'd lost hope that I would even get to spend the holiday with him as I was supposed to. I didn't mind spending the holiday here. It would be fun, but I missed him, and I felt a little neglected.

I headed over to the black wooden fence, treading through muddy puddles. I stepped on top of the bottom beam and dug into the bag as the two horses headed toward me, sensing treats. Their blankets were bright red, which was a stark contrast to the desaturated winter landscape.

Bella was a pretty brown thoroughbred with a black mane, and Ranger was a quarter horse who was all white except for some gray spots and a gray mane.

I fed them bits of carrot, pressing my nose to Bella's snout, taking a breath of her, loving the earthy smell of horses.

When they finished their treats, they walked off to continue grazing in the field, swishing their tails. I rested my arms on the fence and placed my head on my forearms as I watched them.

Maybe I'd go for a ride when the weather cleared up, take Bella or Ranger through the woods, and explore. I wasn't much of an outdoors person, but I loved riding. My grandparents taught me when I was old enough to be put on a pony.

Did Darren ride horses? He said his parents never owned one, but they had a cow that maintained the field. If he could, maybe he'd come with me. If he couldn't ride, we could ride Bella together. She was big enough to hold someone like Darren.

My heart suddenly stopped before slamming into my chest when strong arms wrapped around me and pulled me against a massive body.

I finally smiled for the first time today. "Hey, Dare."

"Hey, Gorgeous."

When I turned around, Darren lifted me by my armpits as if I weighed nothing, my feet dangling. He kissed me, and I wrapped my legs around his waist and held onto his neck, deepening our kiss. His lips and nose were cold, as mine probably were, but we quickly warmed each other up.

At least here at my grandparents' house, we could be open with each other like this. I didn't mind that we had to be a secret at school. While I understood it, it was nice to be free to be ourselves once in a while.

"What are you doing here?" I asked when we came up for air.

Darren feigned a pout. "I thought you wanted to see me."

I smiled and rolled my eyes. "Yes, always, but I thought you were working."

"Well, I'm off now. I got off at four."

"Huh, I guess I lost track of time. I didn't even notice it getting dark out."

"Your mom actually texted me and said I should stop by. Why would she do that?"

Darren set my butt on the fence, and I shrugged. "It's nothing."

He placed his fingers under my chin and lifted my head to look at him. "Your face doesn't say that it's nothing."

"It's just Dad."

"Let me guess. He's busy again. "

I nodded.

"Fucking asshole."

"Really, I'm fine. I'm sure I'll see him for Christmas. Well, not on Christmas day, but the day after; we're supposed to spend some time together."

"Sorry, but you don't look fine."

My eyes stung as the tears threatened again, especially when Darren pulled me against him, covering me with his massive body—my protector.

"The Christmas festival is next week. Do you want to go? Dillon and Cade are going. There's a parade, too."

"Sounds fun."

"If we had won our damn championship like we were supposed to, Dillon and I would be in that parade."

I reached for his face. "I'm so sorry you all lost."

"Me, too, but Dil promised we'd win next year, and I'm going to hold him to it. I need scholarships to afford to go to college."

"You'll get there. I know it. If anyone can swim against the tide, it's you."

"Thanks, Chris."

I hopped off the fence, took Darren's cold, calloused hand in mine, threading our fingers together, and tugged him to the house.

As promised, my grandmother had hot cocoa waiting for us, so we took our mugs up to my room. The dogs tried to follow us, but I kicked them out, feeling slightly bad.

Darren and I sat on the bed, drinking our hot, chocolatey drink. When I set my mug on the nightstand, I plucked his out of his hands, setting it next to mine.

"Hey, I was drinking that."

I smirked, saying nothing as I straddled his lap. "Distract me, Dare. I don't want to think about him."

"What do you want to do? "

I pressed my hands to his chest and pushed him onto his back on the bed. I placed my hands on either side of his head, hovering over him before leaning down to kiss him.

His throat rumbled in pleasure, sending waves of arousal through me, and when his hands slid under my hoodie and T-shirt, my skin prickled, and I swelled in my jeans.

"I want to touch you," I said on his lips.

His pretty emerald eyes darkened and grew wide. "You mean… there?"

I nodded. "Is that okay?"

"Yeah, as long as I can touch you, too."

A flash of insecurity traveled through me. I wasn't exactly large. Would he still like me? Would he care? Instead of voicing my doubts, I said, "Yes."

We both sat up, removing our hoodies and T-shirts. Going into a relationship with Darren, I knew he'd be built, unlike me. I itched to cover up my thinner frame, but I took a deep breath, willing myself to be confident.

No doubt Darren was ripped. Jesus. My hand trembled a little as my fingertips grazed over the hard and smooth planes of his skin. His chest was practically hairless, as mine was, but he had a few blond hairs poking through.

I swallowed hard as the insecurity tried to consume me, but I pushed it aside, reaching out to wrap my hand around him.

Darren rested his hand on mine, squeezing it slightly to show me what he enjoyed when he touched himself. I liked that because then I knew exactly what he wanted, taking the guesswork out of it.

His breathing picked up, and his throat rumbled with grunts and growls of pleasure. God, he was so hot.

His release startled me for a second, making my heart beat even faster.

I did that.

Wow .

"Holy fuck, Chris… that was so hot."

I grabbed my T-shirt lying on my bed and wiped my hand and Darren's abs off.

I squeaked when Darren suddenly flipped me onto my back.

"Your turn."

I felt insecure again as he undid my jeans. "Uhm, maybe…"

"You don't want it?"

"I do, it's just…"

"Just what?"

"I'm not like you."

He slowly shook his head, looking confused.

"You're all…" I waved my hands up and down his body and then at mine. "And I'm…"

"Stop it—no more talk like that. I like the way you are. Exactly how you are. The first day I saw you, I fell headfirst. I knew I had to have you in my life."

He bent down and pressed soft kisses to my chest before he tugged my jeans down. My body trembled from a combination of nerves, insecurity, and being turned the hell on.

His huge hand cupped me, and he smirked. "Now, this I really like."

I smiled away from him, my face burning so hot I was sure it would singe my fingers if I touched it.

Then my eyes rolled up into my head, and my toes curled when his hand slid inside my underwear. I was so turned on by his touch that I didn't care about the weird, high-pitched noises coming from me.

Soon, my entire body burned from within, and I shuddered with my release.

"Holy shit, Chris."

I struggled to breathe as I lay there in complete numbness. Darren cleaned me up and pulled up my pants before zipping them up. He crawled into bed and pulled me to his side. I curled into him, feeling suddenly tired and filled with this warmth of love for him .

His protective fingers were gentle as they grazed my arm. Every once in a while, he would press kisses on my head. All my earlier insecurities were gone, only lingering like a distant memory.

"Years of being bullied for how I looked tried to take hold a little while ago. But you made it all go away," I said.

He grabbed my chin to look at him, his furrowed brows looking angry while his green eyes were bright. "No one should ever make you feel less. I wasn't lying to you or placating you when I said you were perfect. I find you stunning, Chris. It doesn't matter how big or small you are. We all come in different shapes and packages. We can't change that. All we can do is control who we are."

He was right, of course, but sometimes the negative voices got to be too loud. When you heard them enough, it was hard not to believe they were true. I'd learned to tune them out, but sometimes, they forced their way into my head.

"I know, still…"

He sighed as he rubbed his face. "Fuck. This is how I made others feel when I was cruel. Seeing how it really affects people is eye-opening."

I reached for his face. "But you're not like that anymore."

"No, but like your insecurity lingers because of them, my guilt has the same effect on me."

"And maybe we wouldn't be here in this time and place if you hadn't been who you were."

Darren scooted down and rolled to his side so we could face each other and kissed my lips. "It's a nice thought, Christian." He closed his eyes and pulled me close to him. "Let me take a nap for a minute."

Sure.

I love you, Dare .

When my eyes opened, my once-dark room was plunged into the light streaming in from my bedroom door. Mom poked her head in, saw me, and closed it again .

Darren moved a bit, still holding me in a death grip. God, at least we were still relatively dressed. That would've been mortifying.

I closed my eyes again and fell asleep to his soothing, soft snores and his soapy, sleepy smell.