Chapter 13

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

January 25 th

4:38 P.M.

It felt like something was missing.

So much so that Lucy kept looking around her living room to see what wasn't there even though she already knew what it was.

Zander.

That was what was missing.

They'd parted ways after the hospital. Not parted on bad terms at all. They'd exchanged numbers, they'd kissed before she got into Ella's car, and he got into his truck which someone had dropped off for him.

The only thing they hadn't done was make concrete plans about when they would see each other again. As much as she'd wanted to ask, she hadn't wanted to push. Zander was dealing with so much, and Scarlett had been there, glaring at him, and she knew he needed time on his own to process.

She just wanted to be there for him.

But she knew she couldn't force him to let her be.

If there was one thing she understood, it was being independent and wanting to handle things yourself. This was the first time she'd really been on the flip side of that and it sucked. It definitely gave her insight into what her family had felt all these years when she'd pushed them away because she needed so badly to cling to her independence.

Still, she could be patient. Because Zander was worth it.

It didn't mean she didn't wish he was there though.

When a small sigh escaped, she knew that one of her friends was going to zero in on it. They'd been great as she knew they would be. After the debrief, they'd gone with her to the hospital. They'd stayed while she was examined. When she'd been discharged, they drove her back to her place and stayed with her.

It was nice.

She appreciated it.

But it was Zander that she craved.

Only four days had passed since the crash, which was completely weird because in those four days Lucy felt like she had lived an entire lifetime. So much had happened, she had been so fundamentally changed by what she'd lived through, she wasn't even the same person anymore.

In that time she'd grown so close to Zander. It was completely crazy because there had been a solid day that they hadn't even been together, which was a quarter of that time. And another quarter of that time she'd been unsure if Zander could be trusted and was actively looking for a chance to get away from him, going so far as to try to kill him.

The other half of the time it had felt like it was the two of them against the whole world.

Those were the moments that had bonded them so closely.

Closely enough that she ached to have him there by her side. His presence would comfort her, make her feel safe, and she didn't want to sound like an ego, but she believed her presence would help him, too.

Fingers clicked in front of her face, and she blinked and looked over to see Cassie watching her with concern.

"You doing okay, Luce?" Ella asked.

"Yep." Although her fingers were convulsively stroking through Cotton's curly poodle hair. "Painkillers are doing their job, I'm clean and in fresh clothes, and I'm thrilled I don't have to have surgery. I'm happy to be home," she said, throwing in a smile for good measure.

That was all true of course. The shower had been heaven and she'd washed her hair three times and her body four, thankful for the waterproof brace on her arm. It wasn't until the water began to run cold that she'd been able to drag herself out. Her favorite leggings and oversized hoodie, along with a pair of fuzzy socks, made her feel more like herself, and she really was glad that surgery wasn't on her upcoming schedule. Cotton had followed her around everywhere, even lying on the bathroom floor while she bathed, and the dog's presence was comforting in and of itself.

"I don't think she was asking if you were clean or in pain," Cassie said.

"How are you doing ?" Ella repeated her question. "This is us. We're a family, the four of us, you can tell us anything."

Usually, she would agree that was true.

But talking about Zander with Scarlett felt weird. She understood why her friend was angry, she knew the kind of life Scarlett and Zander had lived as kids, and knew the bond they shared. But she also knew Zander, and how badly he'd suffered watching his friends die and how deeply it had affected him.

There was no doubt in Lucy's mind that Scarlett wouldn't hold onto that anger for long. She was too sweet, and she loved her brother too much. She'd even seen her friend approaching a doctor at the hospital to ask about her brother's injuries when she thought nobody was watching.

That wasn't what was bothering her. What was bothering her was whether Scarlett would be okay with her and Zander being a couple.

More than that, would Zander?

He liked her, but she knew he was on the fence about taking things any further. His demons were screaming in his ear that he was no good for her, no good for anyone, and he had to be alone as his penance for his sins. It wasn't true, but she had no idea how to convince him of that. Especially if he wouldn't even give her a chance.

"It's Zander, isn't it?" Scarlett said flatly. Tate shifted a little closer to her and Scarlett immediately leaned into him. It was kind of weird seeing the two of them together. Their relationship was about as new as it could get, and most of the time they'd spent together, had been hiding out from both law enforcement and Raul Castillo's men, so she wasn't used to seeing her friend and this man together.

"I hate to sound like a broken record, but you need to talk to him," Lucy told her friend, snuggling Cotton closer so she could press her face into the soft fur. She was so happy that Scarlett had found a man who had her back, who would be there for her, give her that sense of belonging she had always craved, and the acceptance she deserved, but she also knew her friend still needed her brother.

More than that, Zander needed his twin.

While Scarlett had Tate, Athena Team, and Prey, Zander had nobody in his corner right now other than her, and he needed more. Deserved more.

"He told me what happened, and when he did, I understood why he felt like he had no choice but to do what he did," Lucy continued. In the briefing earlier, Zander had not gone into any detail on what had happened to his team beyond saying they'd been killed, and while she didn't want her friend to hear the gruesome details she knew that Scarlett was going to have to if she was going to get past this.

When Scarlett began to pick at her cuticles, a sure sign she was stressed, Tate reached over and grasped her hands, stilling them, then entwining their fingers together. "I'm scared," she whispered.

"Of what?" Lucy asked. The only way to fix a problem was to acknowledge it. You couldn't fix what you didn't know was broken.

"Losing my brother for real," Scarlett admitted. "If I listen to him then I have to accept what he tells me. I have to understand. I have to forgive him for letting me believe he was dead."

"Why is that a bad thing?" Lucy asked without judgment. She'd known Scarlett for years, and there truly was nobody else on Earth with a bigger heart, she just wanted to understand what Scarlett needed from her so she could provide it and the siblings could reconnect.

"Because if I forgive him, then I have to admit how much I love him. How it doesn't matter that we grew apart in foster care, and that a wedge was driven between us when he joined the Army, I always loved him. I always will. He's my brother, my twin, my other half. Sorry, Tate," Scarlett said with a small smile as she looked up at her boyfriend. "If I have to admit that nothing could make me stop loving my brother, no matter what he does, no matter any mistakes he might make, no matter how noble he believes he has to be, then I have to risk losing him all over again. I couldn't survive that. I know I couldn't."

With her admission, Scarlett began to cry, and Tate immediately wrapped his arms around her, holding her close.

Watching the couple, Lucy felt her own eyes tear up. She wasn't usually much of a crier, but lately, she'd shed so many tears, and she was starting to admit to herself that tears weren't necessarily the weakness she had always believed them to be. They were real, they were an outpouring of emotion, and they were part of life.

Over the years she had proven herself strong enough and capable enough to do whatever she set her mind to. So why did she keep feeling the need to maintain her independence to the point where she was uncomfortable sharing her emotions with the people who cared about her?

This should be a safe place. Her family should be a safe place, all the people in her life loved her and would never put her down because of her condition. This was what Zander should have right now. What she had gone through was nothing in comparison to what had happened to him and his team, and yet here she was, surrounded by people, while Zander was alone.

That broke her heart because even the toughest of warriors should have his team at his back. And these people in her living room with her would be his team if he'd let them.

But she feared he wouldn't.

And alone she wasn't sure he could fight his demons and win.

January 25 th

10:26 P.M.

Loneliness was hitting him hard tonight.

Which was stupid because Zander had been on his own for a long time.

As a kid, the only person in his life who had truly been on his side was his sister, but they'd been separated at thirteen when their grandparents died and their parents refused to come home and take care of them. Foster care was tough, but he hadn't been abused, just more of what he'd gotten at home, neglected and ignored. Without his twin there to lessen that ache he'd learned to deal with it alone.

It wasn't until he joined the military that he finally found the family he'd always known was missing, and the sense of belonging that Scarlett had always talked about.

For as long as he could remember, his twin had been a romantic at heart. While he used to try to make her laugh when she was sad, she always tried to convince him that love existed when he shut down.

There had never been a time when he believed in the kind of love she talked about.

Not until the day he'd met Lucy.

Something had shifted inside him that day, and even though he had never intended to do anything about it, even less so after his team was killed and he faked his own death, those feelings had always been there.

Now after they'd spent time together and he knew how amazing she was, it was even harder to stay away from her.

If she was here right now, snuggled on his lap, the sense of peace, of quiet, that she'd given him would be back.

Instead, the darkness roared inside him.

Ordering him to do things he knew he shouldn't.

Throw caution out the window, damn the consequences, and go back to Mexico and track down Raul Castillo, make him pay for what he'd done to Lucy. Get to the location he knew the weapons deal was going to take place and get the vengeance his team deserved.

Pick up the weapon that sat on his coffee table and end things the way they should have ended in Syria.

Zander knew he wasn't supposed to have survived that ordeal. He was supposed to have died along with the rest of his team. Knowing that had made deciding to fake his death and take the undercover job so much easier. Because he'd never intended to return alive.

If he couldn't die with the men he considered his brothers, then he could at least die taking out the men responsible for their horrific deaths.

But he had survived.

And fate had placed the only woman to ever stir up emotion inside him right back in his path.

He didn't regret his decision to put Lucy and her life and safety first, not for a single second, it was the right thing to do, and the only decision his teammates would have respected, but it left him feeling … lost.

What happened next?

How could he expect Lucy to take on him and his demons when she had her own to battle? How could he expect his sister to be okay with him dating one of her best friends when she hated him? How could he be with Lucy when he had absolutely nothing to offer her?

What if he dragged Lucy down into the darkness with him?

What if he destroyed her because he couldn't control the darkness?

It felt like too big a risk and yet already being without her was hell.

So many times at the hospital he'd ached to ask her out on a date. Something completely normal, pizza and a movie, maybe grab some ice cream after, it didn't matter that it was winter, in his opinion, it was never too cold for ice cream. But underneath the urge was an undercurrent of fear.

His life was far from uncomplicated.

Eagle Oswald had helped him get things sorted out with his superiors and he wasn't going to face any disciplinary action for leaving early. They all agreed that as soon as Raul's scientists found out Lucy had lied his cover would be blown anyway. Given who Lucy was, who she worked for, and the potential of the drug to save so many lives, they had also agreed that she was an important asset who shouldn't be lost.

But that didn't mean he knew what happened next.

Legally, he was dead, he'd kept a house and a truck under an alias. At the time he hadn't known why, just that it had seemed like a smart idea. Did he have himself declared undead or stick with an alias? What was he going to do for work? He had some money stashed away but not enough to live on forever. Would he be offered another undercover job? If he was, should he take it or find something else to do?

And how would Lucy fit into all of that?

Just because she'd promised to be there for him didn't mean she wanted to date him. Maybe all she wanted was to be his friend, or worse, maybe she just felt sorry for him after what had happened to his team, and indebted because he'd gotten her out of Raul's house alive.

Neither was what he wanted.

When he fought down the darkness enough that he was able to be honest with himself about what he wanted, he could acknowledge that he wanted it all. Wanted a chance to date Lucy, get to know her properly, and see if he could fall in love with her. He wanted marriage and kids, wanted the whole big fairytale that Scarlett had always dreamed of and managed to find with a man who seemed to love her like she deserved.

But when the darkness was screaming at him louder than he could ignore, that was what got to him the most.

Scarlett deserved to be loved. She was sweet and kind, she was true to herself and what she wanted. She was brave and strong. She deserved the world and the only man he would approve of for his twin sister was one who would give it to her.

Lucy deserved to be loved as well. All her life, she had been fighting to show the world that she wasn't defined by her condition, could do anything she set her mind to, and was strong and capable. And she was. She'd survived the hell Raul had put her through, and she hadn't just lived her life, she'd flourished in it. A successful scientist working for a prestigious company, doing good, and finding time to push her limits and have fun. She also deserved the world and he wanted to give it to her.

How could he though?

Because he didn't deserve to be loved.

Joining the military had broken his sister's heart and pushed away the only meaningful family he had. Then he'd allowed that distance between them to grow and hurt his twin all over again. After which he'd delivered the final nail in the coffin of their relationship and allowed her to believe he was dead.

What kind of brother did that?

Then today he'd let Lucy down as well. After lying to her and almost getting her killed she'd still been prepared—more than that, willing —to give him a chance. It had been clear in the way she'd looked at him as they'd kissed goodbye at the hospital that she wanted some kind of assurance that it wasn't goodbye. That she would see him again, or at the very least, he'd call or text.

As much as he'd wanted to give her that reassurance he couldn't.

Because he wasn't sure that he had what it took to give her the world. To give her the life she deserved. To love her without condition. To never fail her.

After all, he'd failed the seven men he'd been responsible for that day. Men who were family, brothers born of blood. Their deaths would forever be on his conscience, forever weighing him down with guilt he didn't deserve to be set free from. What happened in Syria was a stain on his soul that he knew sooner or later would contaminate everyone around him.

Maybe it was better that Scarlett hated him.

That hatred could keep her alive, keep her safe from his demons.

Safe from him.

Lucy might not hate him, but he could still keep her safe from him and away from his demons by taking himself out of the equation.

There was not a single doubt in Zander's mind that both his sister and the woman who had somehow managed to grab hold of his heart and make it her own would be better off without him.

He'd done what he needed to do.

Whether he was part of it or not, the date and time of the weapons deal was now in the hands of his superiors. A team would be there when it happened, and the group responsible for slaughtering his team would be stopped, either killed or captured. His team would be avenged.

What else was there left for him to do?

Eyeing the weapon still laid out on the coffee table in front of him, Zander reached out and picked it up. The weight of it in his hand was comforting, and knowing that he could extinguish both the darkness inside him and his ability to hurt the people he cared about with a single bullet filled him with a sense of peace.