Chapter 14

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

January 26 th

3:20 A.M.

Her head snapped in the direction of the door.

It sounded like someone was out there.

Lucy kept one hand tangled in Cotton's fur while her other trembled as she tentatively reached for the weapon sitting on her coffee table. Just because she knew how to use the gun, and just because she had a permit to own it, didn't mean she was in any way comfortable around it. Scarlett was the only one on their team who was actually confident with guns, and that was only because her parents had insisted she learn to shoot as a small child, in preparation for the life they had planned out for her. A path she hadn't wound up walking down.

Maybe she imagined the sound?

There were no more sounds, and there was no reason for anyone to be at her front door anyway.

Prey wasn't taking any chances with her safety or anyone else's on Athena Team. Scarlett was with Tate so she was safe, and a few guys from the SEAL team who had helped rescue Scarlett were helping out by watching over her house and Ella's and Cassie's. She liked Mark "Bubba" Wright, who had been the one to disarm the bomb intended to kill Scarlett and whoever was close enough to her at the time. Trusted the man, too. He was a nice guy, married to Zoey, and while she hadn't met the woman, Lucy knew what it took to make a relationship work with a man with a job like Bubba's so she knew Zoey was a strong woman.

She was safe with Bubba out there, but knowing it and knowing it were two different things.

Even though it was three in the morning she had yet to make it to bed. There was too much going on in her mind to be able to settle down and sleep. Out in the jungle it had been about survival. There was no time to think about what had happened to her and the myriad of ways it had changed her.

But now …

Now there was time to think.

Too much time.

And she had no choice but to start attempting to process it all.

At least her inability to sleep might work to her advantage now. Because if there was someone out there, and they had managed to get past Bubba, then they would be expecting her to be upstairs in her bed, not in the living room with a poodle and armed with a weapon she was scared to use but absolutely would if she had to.

Another sound had her jack-knifing to her feet, causing Cotton to lift a head and shoot her an offended look. Too bad her dog was about as far away from a guard dog as you could get.

That was something.

Someone.

There was no use pretending that there wasn't someone on her porch, someone who would likely be inside in seconds, a minute at the most.

Panic swelled inside her, and her sweaty hands snatched up the gun, holding it pointed at the door.

Ready.

Just when she was about to shake herself into spontaneously combusting there was a knock on her door.

A knock?

What kind of intruder announced themselves first?

None.

Maybe it was Bubba?

She thought if he needed her for any reason, he would have texted first to let her know what the problem was then come in so he didn't scare her to death. He was lucky if she didn't put him into an early grave for scaring her like that.

A rebuke was right on the tip of her tongue as she set the weapon down and unlocked her door, opening it, but it got stuck before it could fly out.

Because it wasn't Bubba who was standing there.

It was Zander.

Took a moment for that to register. Zander was there. On her front porch. Knocking like he thought she would be up at three in the morning.

There was a hesitancy to his stance that she hadn't seen once when they were in Mexico. Then he'd been so sure and confident. It had been infuriating when she wasn't sure he could be trusted, but reassuring once she knew he was on her side.

Now his uncertainty just made her sad.

This was exactly why she'd missed him so much these last few hours. She knew he needed her, and she needed him, too.

Without allowing herself to think about what she was doing, she stepped forward and wrapped her arms around Zander's waist, pressing close and resting her cheek on his chest, right above his heart so she could hear its steady rhythm.

When his arms moved to wrap around her, Lucy couldn't hold in a content sigh. This was perfect, this was exactly where she wanted to be. For the first time in hours, she felt the weight lift off her shoulders and her muscles relax.

Not just her. She could practically feel the tension melt away from Zander.

"I'm sorry for coming around so late, but I didn't think you'd be asleep." His voice rumbled through his chest, and the cadence of it washed over her with a soft touch that soothed her and made her feel like maybe everything could be okay.

"I wasn't asleep," she assured him.

"Is it … okay that I'm here?"

Again, she was struck by the doubt in his voice. As if she would have wanted him anywhere else. If it was up to her, he would have come home with her after the hospital. "Of course it's okay. I missed you," she admitted. It might have only been hours since she'd last seen him, but it felt like days had passed.

"Thank goodness, because I missed the hell out of you, babe." With that, he tightened his grip around her waist, lifted her off her feet, and carried her back through the door. After locking it behind them he carried her over to the couch.

Cotton lifted her head to give them both an annoyed look but otherwise didn't move.

"Don't mind Cotton, she's the epitome of lazy. She'll be more interested in you after breakfast," Lucy said.

"Pretty dog," Zander said as he sat down and set her on his lap, and Lucy felt her cheeks heat as she realized that she liked sitting on a man's lap. Well, this man's lap anyway. It had always seemed kind of juvenile to her, sitting on someone's lap like you were a five-year-old. But when she sat on Zander's lap, all she could feel was safety, it was like being wrapped in her very own security blanket.

It wasn't until she realized that Zander's muscles had stiffened again that Lucy realized something was wrong.

Quickly she scanned the room but nothing was there, and Cotton had gone back to sleep.

Looking up at Zander, she saw his gaze was fixed on the weapon lying discarded on her coffee table.

"I was scared," she said by way of explanation. "I know Bubba is outside, but I needed it to feel safe."

His arms tightened around her until it was just shy of painful, and his fingers gripped her chin in an unyielding hold. Lucy had no idea what was going on, but there was an almost wild look in Zander's brown eyes. "Tell me that's all it was," he demanded, the thread of fear in his voice setting off an echoing explosion of fear inside her.

"That's all it was," she told him, not really sure what he was asking her.

Then it hit.

Zander was asking her if she'd been sitting up tonight, alone and scared, traumatized by everything that had happened to her and contemplating suicide.

There hadn't been a single second where she had contemplated taking her own life other than those first hours at Raul's house where she'd planned to try to kill the weapons dealer even if she had to end her own life to do it.

Why would Zander even be thinking that's what she was going to do?

Unless …

Was that how he'd spent his night? Sitting at his place with a weapon in his hand, wondering whether the best way forward was to just end it all?

Breaking free from his hold, Lucy scrambled to bring him closer. "Zander, I wasn't going to kill myself, but were you?"

His eyes shuttered, and he slid her off his lap and stalked to the other side of the room, dragging his fingers through his dark hair.

He didn't get to run away from this.

From her.

This was why he'd come here, wasn't it? Because he needed someone to reassure him that if he wasn't around he would be missed. That he mattered.

Well, he did matter, and she would do whatever it took to convince him of that.

"Zander?" she prompted, going after him. When she placed a hand on his muscled bicep, he shrugged it off, still refusing to turn around and look at her. "Answer me, Zander, were you thinking about committing suicide? Is that why you came here?"

Ever so slowly he turned to face her. His expression was tortured and there was a hopelessness in his eyes she never wished to see again as long as she lived.

He looked so desolate, and there was a distance between them even though there were mere inches between their bodies.

"Were you thinking of killing yourself, Zander?" she asked softly.

Her heart cracked into a million pieces as he uttered his one word response. "Yes."

January 26 th

3:27 A.M.

Zander could have lied.

Told Lucy that he hadn't spent the last few hours staring at a picture of him with his team taken shortly before they left on that fateful mission. It was taken at one of the guy's houses, and they were having a cookout, laughing and being silly, enjoying the moment of perfectly normal life because they knew how quickly their circumstances could change.

Little did they know how badly and how quickly.

Three weeks later, he was the only one of the eight men in the photo left alive. Four women left widows, six children who would grow up without their fathers.

Looking at that photo, knowing what had been lost because of his refusal to follow his gut, and his overconfidence in believing his Delta Force team was more skilled, more intelligent, and more determined than their enemy.

Gone now.

No way to get them back.

And one very easy way to join them in death.

Told her that it was her he was worried about and not himself.

Anything to get the look of fear out of the wide blue eyes that stared up at him.

But he couldn't do it.

Because when he'd been sitting in his dark living room, the photo in one hand, weapon in the other, there had been a tiny pinprick of light shining at the back of his mind. A voice echoing in his ears.

"I won't ask you for promises, Zander, but I'm making you one. I'm here. Right here. For as long as you'll let me be. I'll wait, I'll give you space, or not, whatever you want. I'm just here. For you."

"I'm here for you. I'm not going anywhere."

Lucy's words.

Her promises.

They were the only string keeping him tied to the world of the living and they'd tightened tonight, drawing him here. Bringing him to her because as badly as he didn't want to drag her down into the darkness, without her light he was already lost.

Dropping his forehead to rest against hers so he didn't have to see her expression of terror any longer, he whispered, "Yeah, babe. I thought about it. Came close to doing it, but I couldn't. Because of you."

Knowing the pressure he was putting on Lucy wasn't fair and only made him feel worse. They might have known each other for a few years, but only ever at a distance. She was Scarlett's friend, and he was Scarlett's brother. Attraction might have simmered between them from the beginning, but chemistry didn't build relationships, it was merely a steppingstone to get you started.

There had been no meaningful talk of the future. They'd exchanged numbers but at the time he hadn't been sure he'd ever call or text. They were at the very beginning of something that might lead to a future or might crash and burn.

Yet here he was, resting his very life on Lucy's shoulders.

"Didn't know where else to go," he admitted softly.

Arms wrapped around him, holding on with a strength that belied Lucy's small stature. "You came to the right place. You came to what you knew was a safe place. And you believed in me, Zander. You trusted me. You didn't think I was incapable of giving you what you needed, or that I wasn't strong enough to hold you up. You just came here. To me. I can't tell you how happy I am that you did."

Her words surprised him. They were so immediately accepting of the fact that he'd done the right thing, and joy that he had seen her for the strong, capable woman that she was.

Something inside him eased a little. His heart had known this was where he had to be even if his head had tried to talk him out of it.

"It might not be fair, babe, but I … need you." The words felt foreign on his tongue. He was supposed to be a warrior, but even a warrior had a team at his back, and he was in desperate need of a team.

"You have me, Zander." Lucy pulled back enough only to be able to look up at him, her arms remained locked around his waist. "Always. Even if things don't work out between us, I will always be here for you. Always. No matter what. Any time, day or night, you can come here, and I'll give you whatever you need. Thank you, for not taking you away from me."

Those words and the accompanying tears shimmering like diamonds in her blue eyes had him clutching her to him, lifting her feet off the floor so he could just hold her. "You would miss me if I wasn't around?" That seemed crazy since things had only progressed between them in the last couple of days, but he needed to know that despite everything he'd done, someone would care if he wasn't around.

In answer Lucy crushed her mouth to his, kissing him with a passion that branded his heart. "Don't ever ask me something so stupid ever again. Of course I would miss you. I want a chance to explore this thing between us. I'm not going to push you because I know you're dealing with a lot, but it doesn't change what I want."

"Even knowing what I allowed to happen?"

"Even knowing you believe you're responsible for what happened," she replied, arching a brow to make sure he noticed how she phrased it.

As if he'd missed it.

"Even knowing there's a darkness inside me I'm not sure I can control?"

"A man who can keep his back to a woman orgasming over and over again for over an hour, knowing that if he wanted to, she would have said yes to sex is one who has impeccable control. I'm not afraid of you, Zander. Maybe I was when I didn't know whose side you were on, but not anymore. Not ever. I'm so glad you came tonight."

"I am, too," he admitted. "I thought maybe it wasn't fair to put this on you because you've already been through so much."

"Yeah, I have," she agreed. "And right now, I don't even know which way is up, I haven't even begun to process anything, but I know that when you're here I feel grounded. I'm not a balloon floating up into space because you're holding the string. Will you make love to me, Zander?"

There was nothing on earth he'd love more than to bury himself inside this woman and allow her light to soak into him, soothing the damaged pieces and giving him hope that maybe one day life might seem bright again.

Or maybe bright for the first time ever.

With Lucy, all things seemed possible.

Since she had her legs wrapped around his hips, he placed one hand beneath her backside while his other palmed her cheek. "Are you sure, baby?" Sex wasn't why he'd come there tonight, and in Lucy's own words she hadn't even begun to process what had happened to her, the last thing she needed was him taking advantage.

"If I wasn't sure I wouldn't have asked." Her smile was soft and warm, and he loved the way it made him feel.

"I don't think I have it in me for slow and sweet this time around," he warned her. There were too many emotions raging inside him.

"Take me however you want me."

Those words were a precious gift and one he treasured as he balanced Lucy's weight with one hand, shoved down his pants and boxers enough to free himself, and then pushed Lucy's yoga pants and panties out of the way.

While he couldn't give her slow and sweet, he was already rock hard and aching, he wasn't going to take her without making sure she got off at least twice.

"Hold onto me, babe," he ordered as he lifted her up and set her on his shoulders so her legs hung down his back and her center was spread open and ready for him to devour.

"Zander, you can't—" Lucy's words cut off, turning into a moan as his hands gripped her tight backside and his tongue darted out to swipe across her already wet core.

"Yeah, I can," he said, smiling as another moan tumbled from her lips as his tongue nudged at her opening.

Licking and nipping, he alternated between thrusting his tongue inside her tight, wet heat and playing with the bundle of nerves that quickly had her body beginning to quiver as pleasure built inside her. There was no better sound in the world than hearing his woman in the throes of making love. It was the sweetest sound and matched only by the sweet taste of her on his lips as he ate her as though he were starving.

And he was.

Starving for love that had been denied him as a child.

It was freeing to admit he wanted everything his sister had always believed in, everything he thought he could find with the woman seconds away from coming on his tongue.

Taking her bud between his lips, Zander sucked hard, raking his teeth over the sensitive bundle of nerves, and Lucy came on a scream.

Her internal muscles were still quivering when he lifted her down and buried himself inside her in one thrust.

Their eyes met, hers hazy with pleasure, cheeks tinted the prettiest shade of pink, and held as he began to rock his hips, building a steady pace that would soon have them tumbling over the ledge together.

Together.

Such a beautiful word.

But not more beautiful than his girl.

Taking her mouth, he kissed her slowly, sensuously, pouring into it all the words he didn't know how to say aloud.

Working her bud with his thumb, he held onto the orgasm ready to explode inside him, waiting until Lucy was ready to join him. When he could feel her teetering on the edge he pressed hard with his thumb, deepened the kiss, and Lucy let go. He did, too, and they fell together, locked in a world of pleasure, a world where everything was perfect.

Hope and fear warred inside him.

Because while Lucy offered him a future brighter than he could ever have imagined, there was somebody out there who was prepared to play games with her life. He couldn't allow himself to forget that it had to have been the mole who messed with his plane, because it hadn't been Raul or his men.

So long as the mole was out there, Lucy was in danger, and there was a chance that his life would remain cloaked in darkness forever.

Without Lucy, there would be no light.