Chapter 11

CHAPTER ELEVEN

January 25 th

12:47 A.M.

She'd never understood what a broken heart felt like before now.

As Lucy and Zander walked hand in hand through the jungle toward the extraction point, Lucy could feel her heart cracking inside her chest.

While he hadn't offered any answer to her question, she knew what it was without him having to verbalize it. Instead of answering, Zander just told her that it was time to go, gave her water and another protein bar, and helped her stand and led her off into the jungle.

As much as she wished she was wrong, she knew what Zander's plans had been. Maybe still were.

He hadn't expected to live past his plot for revenge.

Killing the man responsible for taking his team from him was the only thing keeping him going in the aftermath of such a horrific ordeal.

Hearing him tell her what he'd been through, what those poor men had suffered, it had taken every bit of self-control she had not to burst into tears, or throw up. If it wasn't for the fact that she sensed Zander's need to feel her arms around him, to have her support and comfort, she would have fallen apart.

But she couldn't.

Zander needed her and she was going to be there for him.

How could she not after everything he'd done for her?

He was giving up the one thing he needed because of her. There was no way to repay him for that. If it wasn't for him, her life would already have been forfeit. She had no doubt that what he'd said was true, and whatever agency he was working with would have ordered him to allow her to be killed if it meant getting their man.

The greater good and all that.

But Zander had put her first and that filled her with both warmth and dread.

Because the answer to the question she'd asked him was a simple one. There was no what happened next. For Zander there was no next. There was never going to be a next. He had planned to join the rest of his team in death.

And nothing had changed.

If it had, if he wanted to live now, if he wanted to give this thing between them a chance, then he would have told her so.

The fact that he hadn't told her meant he still intended to die.

Whether he was going to commit suicide or was still going to try to go back and be part of the takedown once he knew for sure she was safe, Lucy had no idea. But she knew he didn't want to live without his team. The guilt he felt—misplaced though it was—was more than he could bear, and she didn't know how to help him, how to shoulder some of his burden.

Or if he'd even let her.

There was something between them, they both knew it, both acknowledged it, but that didn't mean either of them knew what was to come.

Lucy was having a hard enough time figuring out what she wanted. There was a part of her that wanted Zander, craved him, but she was wary of allowing herself to think too much about it because she was pretty sure it wasn't what Zander wanted.

"Here, this is where we'll wait," he suddenly announced, breaking the stifling silence that was every bit as oppressive as the humidity.

"Okay," she agreed, allowing him to lead her to a space where he thought they could safely wait until the helo arrived. It seemed that Zander had been prepared for any scenario because he'd had a pack hidden at the end of the tunnel. It had canteens of water, water purification tablets, protein bars, MREs, weapons and ammo, and night vision goggles. Since there was only one pair, she'd had to hold onto him and allow him to do all the leading.

Not that she minded. She trusted him.

After hearing what he'd been through there was no way she could blame him for his choices.

Was she still upset that one of her best friends had been hurt? Sure. She wished there had been a way for him to do what he needed to without hurting Scarlett in the process. But he was thinking of nothing else at the time other than surviving the only way he knew how. Revenge was all that had kept him going, and he'd latched onto it with a tenacity that still made her marvel at how he had been able to set it aside for her.

A different kind of need filled her now.

In a way, it was like the arousal drug in that it was all-consuming and difficult to control. It sent fire licking through her veins, and she knew there was only one way to quench that fire.

Only this time it was something she wanted.

There was nothing against her will happening inside her body.

If she was never going to be able to have Zander for real, if he wasn't in a place where he was willing to give her a chance, to give them a chance, then she didn't want to pass up this opportunity.

It could be all she ever had.

There was a better than even chance that as soon as they got home, he was going to disappear, and if that happened, she wanted to have this memory to hold on to.

Maybe there were the last remnants of the drug in her system, giving her a confidence she wouldn't otherwise have possessed, because she didn't hesitate to reach up and grab his shoulders the second he settled them under a rocky outcrop like the one they'd slept in that first night in the jungle.

Drawing him down, he was unresistant, but also didn't participate as she touched her lips to his. If he didn't want this then she'd stop, but she felt his need as surely as she felt her own, and she knew he wanted this every bit as much as she did.

It might be all either of them ever had.

After a couple of seconds, she felt his control snap, and then he was lifting her up, hauling her against him, the bulge in his pants nestled against her throbbing center as he kissed her until there was no air left in her lungs.

"Are you sure this is what you want?" he asked against her lips.

"Positive."

"Lucy, I can't promise anything. I want to, but … I'm not in a good place right now and I won't drag you down with me."

"You'd never drag me down," she told him, positive of that. Zander was struggling, and he wasn't the only one who had lived through a horrific ordeal. What had happened to her at Raul's house would live in her head forever, and right now, it felt impossible for it not to affect everything she did from here on out.

But with Zander she was safe.

That thought was all that was in her head at the moment.

Nothing else.

She wouldn't let anything contaminate this beautiful moment.

"I'm not asking for promises, all I'm asking is that you don't shut me out. Let me be there for you. I know what it's like to feel alone, and I'm not at all comparing having epilepsy to living through what you did, but you feel enough for me to save my life, so please feel enough for me not to shut me out. I'm here for you, Zander."

As soon as the words were out of her mouth, his lips were back on hers. While he didn't say anything she felt his gratefulness, his awe, and his appreciation in the kiss that reached down inside her body all the way to her soul.

Pressing her back against the rock, he balanced her with one hand on her backside while his other found its way inside her pants. Despite what had happened earlier, nothing but desire fanned to life inside her as he ran a finger across her wet center.

There was a desperation she knew they both felt, and Zander didn't hesitate to nudge his finger at her entrance. He teased it a little first, rimming around it before slipping just the tip in. His thumb found her bud, and when it glided across it, she already felt pleasure beginning to build inside her.

After all the orgasms in the shower, and only small doses of the drug in her system after, Lucy would have sworn there was no way her body could orgasm again for days. But already it was quivering inside her.

"Zander," she moaned as his finger sank all the way inside her, grazing that spot that had little pinprick stars dancing in her vision.

"You're so tight, babe, so perfect," he murmured, then began to kiss and nibble at her neck.

With nimble fingers, he simultaneously worked her inside and out, all while taking her weight with his other hand, and never before in her life had she felt so utterly secure. Didn't matter that they were in the jungle, being hunted, that they were both scarred and a little broken inside, in this moment everything was perfect.

Just as she felt herself beginning to climb the ladder of pleasure, Zander's fingers withdrew. A protest fell from her lips, and Zander's hearty laugh kept her hovering on the ladder, not falling completely back down again.

"Hold on, babe, want to be inside you when I come. Do I need a condom? I'm clean, haven't had sex in … I don't even remember how long."

"I'm clean, too, and on birth control. I don't want anything between us, Zander." Not a condom, not his trauma, and not her own. No barriers, she wanted to feel the full ramifications of this connection that tied them together.

"I've never gone in without one, I'm glad you're my first," Zander whispered as he unzipped himself and pulled his very impressive length free.

Feeling what he'd left unsaid, that she would be his first and likely only, Lucy refused to let it take her out of this moment. Zander wasn't lost to her yet, and she was going to do everything she could to hold onto him. All he had to do was let her, she'd do the rest.

Let me in, Zander .

The silent plea echoed through her mind at the exact moment that Zander shoved her pants down, removing them, and then slid inside her in one smooth move.

His pace was fast, near frantic, and Lucy wrapped her legs around his hips, drawing him deeper, and her arms around his shoulders, holding on as he slammed into her over and over again. Once again, his hand moved to her bundle of nerves, working it hard, giving her exactly what she needed.

She was flying up that ladder, the pressure inside her growing, it consumed every single part of her body, her heart, her mind, and her soul. Tying them all together in a knot she didn't even want to untangle. Drawing in Zander's soul as well, binding it to hers in a way that could never be completely undone.

When she finally reached the top of that ladder and tumbled off it, pleasure so strong that her cries would have woken the whole jungle if Zander's mouth hadn't claimed hers again, rushed through her.

The feel of Zander hitting his own release, feeling the evidence of it squirting inside her, was an almost magical experience. Lucy felt claimed, marked, and she wondered if he felt that, too.

Would he be able to walk away from her after this?

Would she be able to let him?

January 25 th

1:10 A.M.

Being inside her felt perfect.

Zander wanted to hold onto this moment and never let it go.

Here he felt peace, a lightness that he hadn't felt in eighteen months. Sex with Lucy didn't mean everything was going to be okay, it didn't solve his problems, erase the darkness inside him, or mean he could have a future with this amazing woman. But it did mean that for one blissful second, everything inside him had stilled and he'd been able to live in the moment.

It should have been a mistake because walking away from her would be hard, and he wasn't sure he could or even wanted to, but he couldn't make himself see this as anything other than the perfect joining together of their bodies. Two halves of a soul reconnecting in a way that would forever be something special no matter what the future held.

If she hadn't uttered the most content little sigh and nuzzled her face against the side of his neck, Zander would have been tempted to ask her if she regretted sex with him. If it had been a spur-of-the-moment decision based on the adrenalin rush of their situation, or the lingering effects of the drug.

But it wasn't.

He felt her pleading with him even though she didn't speak.

Her words echoed in his mind. Asking him to let her be there for him.

Could he do that?

Was it fair to do that?

Surely, saddling her with the darkness that consumed him, the anger and guilt that ate at him constantly, wasn't fair.

Yet she said it after she knew the truth, knew about the stains on his soul. She knew that he'd gotten seven good men killed and yet she was still there, still wanted him, still let him take her without the barrier of a condom between them.

What had he ever done to deserve a woman like this?

Nothing.

That was the answer to that question.

Reluctantly he shifted, sliding out of her, and lowering her to her feet. Her arms lingered around his shoulders for a moment before she let go and stiffened her back, prepared to let him go if that was what he wanted.

But it wasn't.

Not at all.

What he wanted was to hold onto this woman forever. But he was scared. It sucked to admit it, made him feel weak like a coward, but the last thing he wanted to do was cause Lucy pain.

Would she see it that way? Or would she think his pushing her away was because he didn't want her?

"Thank you for giving me that, baby," he said as he knelt and rifled through his pack for the wipes he kept in the first aid kit. Taking them, he began to clean up the evidence of what they'd just done. Wiping his cum off her legs almost felt like erasing their connection, but then Lucy's hands rested on his shoulders and that connection surged again.

"Don't thank me, Zander. I wanted that, too. I needed it. This thing between us is confusing, I've never felt anything like it before. I don't want to play games, that's not my style, I'd like for you to give us a chance, but if you're not ready yet, then I can wait."

Startled, his head snapped up to look at her. Kneeling as he was in front of her, his eyes were level with her chest, and this time he took her chin and tilted it down to meet his gaze. "You'd wait for me?" he asked, confused. Why would she offer something like that when he'd told her he couldn't make any promises. It wasn't that he didn't want to, it was just the damn fear again. It was crippling and he hated it, but he didn't know how to get out from under its crushing presence.

Her brow furrowed adorably. "Of course I would. You feel it, too. I know you do so don't bother pretending otherwise."

That sass had him smiling, or maybe it was just because he loved how straightforward she was. Never would he have to guess what his girl was thinking. "I wouldn't pretend otherwise. It's just, there's darkness inside me, Lucy. And I don't want to contaminate you with it."

"Isn't it my choice what I get "contaminated"," she made air quotes as she said the word, "with? I'm a big girl, and I've lived through a lot of uncertainty. I know that it might not work out between us, I know that even if it did, something could steal our happiness away from us. But one thing that living with epilepsy has taught me is to cherish the good moments. I'm willing to risk losing you to have you, the only question is, what are you willing to risk?"

Before he could tell her that there wasn't anything on Earth he wouldn't risk for more moments with her like the one they'd just shared, he heard something.

Something that had the hairs on the back of his neck standing on edge.

Quickly he straightened, pulling Lucy's jeans on and zipping them, then righting his own clothes. "Shh," he breathed out the sound, touching a finger to Lucy's lips because he could sense her confusion. "We're not alone."

Nodding so he knew she was ready to follow any orders he gave, he slipped on the backpack, righted the NVGs, and took her hand. There was someone out there, Raul's men searching for them, but he also heard the sounds of the approaching helo. All he had to do was get his girl onto that chopper.

If he had to stay behind to make sure she got out of there safely then he'd do it.

Anything to get her home alive.

Pulling her in for a quick kiss, he then led her out of their little hiding place. They only had a couple of hundred yards to cross to the point where the helo would pick them up, they should be able to make it without being seen.

Given that he was a weapons dealer, Raul had access to all kinds of weapons, including those that could take down a helo. But the man also had no idea that Zander wasn't who he said he was, that he wasn't a rogue Delta Force operator, and that the intel he was gathering to bring down the terrorist would also lead to Raul himself being captured. There was no reason for the men searching for them to have anything other than guns on them because they didn't know he was waiting for an exfil, they thought it was just him and Lucy alone out there.

The sounds of the helo got louder, and he snatched Lucy up and threw her over his shoulder, ignoring her pained grunt as he took off at a dead sprint to the spot where the rope would come down. A rope that would get his girl out of the jungle and back home where she belonged.

Going for speed over everything else, the sounds gave away his position and bullets began to fire at them.

Thankfully, it appeared that the men weren't wearing NVGs because their accuracy sucked, and as the helo appeared in the sky, Zander was already closing in on the pickup spot.

"As soon as the rope gets down, I'll buckle you in. You cover your head with your arms, keep it tucked against your chest on the way up," he ordered Lucy.

"You're coming with me, though, aren't you?" The tremor in her voice about killed him.

"After you go up, I'll have my turn."

Small hands clutched at his T-shirt. "No. We go together. I can't lose you already, Zander. Don't make me. Together. We go together."

More gunfire split through the night, but this time it wasn't just coming from behind them but from above them, too.

"I'll be safer with you on the rope with me," Lucy said, tightening the screws. "Up there alone I'm like a sitting duck. But with your cover fire, and the guys on the helo covering both of us, I have a better chance of making it without getting hit."

"You don't play fair, do you, sassy girl?"

Lucy grinned. "Not when your life is at stake."

Since he couldn't argue with that, he nodded, and when the rope came down, he made quick work of buckling her in, then snapped himself in and gave a tug.

In the next second, they were sailing up into the air. Shots fired all around them and as they hit the top of the tree line they were so exposed that he fired every bullet he had at the spot where the shots had been coming from.

No way was he letting his woman get hit.

He hadn't been able to save his team, but he damn sure wasn't failing the woman who owned the keys to his heart.

It seemed to take forever, but then hands were grabbing him, pulling him into the safety of the helo. Lucy was pulled in as well and the second they were unbuckled from the rope she was throwing herself into his arms.

Her slim body shook, and her cheeks were wet as she pressed her face against his neck. At first, he thought she was crying out of fear over almost being shot, and the shock of surviving an ordeal she likely thought she wouldn't.

But when she spoke he realized he was wrong.

"Thank you for coming with me, thank you for at least being willing to give me this. I won't ask you for promises, Zander, but I'm making you one. I'm here. Right here. For as long as you'll let me be. I'll wait, I'll give you space, or not, whatever you want. I'm just here. For you."

Curling his arms around her, he pulled her into his lap, uncaring of the fact that they had an audience. How could this woman possibly be making him promises after what she knew about him?

Could he find a way to extinguish the darkness that raged inside him? Or if he let Lucy in, would it wind up destroying her along with him?