Chapter 10

CHAPTER TEN

January 24 th

9:58 P.M.

"Did I pee?" Lucy asked as awareness came trickling back in.

Please don't let her have soiled herself.

Of all the things she hated the most about having epilepsy, it had to be the fact that when she was having a seizure, she had zero control over her body.

Zero.

Over anything.

Not just her limbs which jerked about, but her bladder and her bowels as well.

For the rest of her life, she would never forget what it was like to be a six-year-old having a seizure in the classroom, the cries and screams of her peers as she slowly woke up again, only to then smell it.

Poop.

The unmistakable stench of poo.

It had been humiliating, and she'd begged her parents not to make her go back to school afterward. But her mom had insisted that any kid who would tease her and call her poopyhead because she had a medical condition was not someone she should want to be friends with anyway.

Not untrue, but people wanted to fit in. Never more than when you were a first grader just starting out in what was going to be a long journey through school, and all you wanted was to be like the other kids, have friends, and be included in the games.

Over the years, there had been a couple of other times when she'd had a seizure in a public place. Once in a grocery store, which she'd never gone back to afterward, choosing to travel another ten minutes in the other direction to go to a different one. Once in college, where at least her peers had been respectful about what had happened, although she'd noticed afterward none of them could quite look her in the eye again.

Lucky for her, stubborn was her middle name. Her desire to prove to herself and everybody around her that she could still live a full and active life was all that had prevented her from becoming a recluse.

That, and the people she had surrounding her now.

In the years that she had been at Prey, she'd had a couple of seizures, one where everything inside her had come right on out, but the way her team and the guys had responded was everything she'd always needed. They didn't coddle or embarrass her, and they didn't treat her any differently afterward.

Their reactions had actually made her strong, practical, tough girl persona crack, and a flood of tears rush out.

Of all the times she could have lost control of either her bladder or bowels during a seizure, this one time seemed like it would be the worst. Zander was a man she was attracted to. On a deeper level than appreciating his smoking hot body. Lucy had no idea what that meant, if there was any sort of future for them, or what Zander's plans were after he finished his op.

None of it mattered, that connection was there, and she didn't want to humiliate herself in front of him. Didn't want him to be like so many others who treated her differently because of her epilepsy.

A hand smoothed down her back, then settled on her hip, tucking her closer against the big body she was draped over. "No, babe, you didn't."

"Did I … poo?" she asked, squeezing her eyes tightly shut as tears of frustration and mortification burned.

"No, baby."

A sigh of relief had her sinking deeper into Zander's embrace. "Good."

"Not sure I agree with you there, sassy girl."

"Huh?" She lifted her head to look up at Zander's strong jaw and deep brown eyes. "Why would it not be a good thing?"

"Because it means you're dehydrated and starving. Think you can eat something?" he asked as he held up a canteen to her lips.

After swallowing several mouthfuls, Lucy was about to shake her head. It seemed she'd moved beyond the hungry stage and well into the too nauseous to think about food stage instead. But then she thought better of it. Her body was in dire need of fuel, and they weren't somewhere safe where she could wait until she felt better before eating.

"Yeah, I can eat." When she took the offered protein bar and her fingers fumbled to open the wrapper, Zander took it back, opened it for her, then held it to her lips. Warmth spread throughout her as she took a bite. He was taking care of her, and it was so sweet. When her parents tried to take care of her it always made her feel helpless, but with Zander it just made her feel all gooey and soft inside like a chocolate chip cookie straight out of the oven.

For a few minutes they just sat in silence, him feeding her a protein bar, and then another when she finished it, her just soaking up the feel of the muscled arms around her.

Here like this, even with the threat of Raul and his men, Lucy felt safe and protected. Zander might have made choices she didn't have all the information to understand yet, but he was a good man and she could see that those choices had hurt him.

"You took the contacts out," she said, cupping his jaw and trailing her fingertips through the stubble.

"I thought …" Zander hesitated looking unsure, and her heart swelled with more emotions than she could name.

"Thought what?"

"That maybe you liked my real eyes better," he finished, sounding completely unsure of himself.

A small smile curled her lips up. "I do. With the blue eyes you just don't look like … you."

Darkness shuttered his deep brown eyes, and she ached to wipe away whatever had put it there. "Lucy …" he started slowly. "I'm not … I'm … I'm not good for you." A hand palmed her cheek for the briefest of moments, caressing her skin before withdrawing. "I'm not good for anyone."

"I disagree."

"You think Scarlett would disagree?"

"Your sister doesn't understand why you would lie to her, let her think you were dead."

"You don't either," he reminded her.

That was true, he hadn't told her what had happened to him beyond the fact that his team had been murdered and he was out for revenge against the people responsible. But she knew that Eagle knew what he was doing, and she knew he'd given up that revenge for her.

Which was really all she needed to know.

"I know you saved me when you didn't have to," she said softly. "I know you didn't watch me in the shower when that drug was in my system, when most guys would have snuck glances at a woman getting herself off. I know you risked a lot when you didn't give me the whole dose of the drug. And I know you gave up something important to get me out of there and gave up your chance at vengeance."

"You're more important," he whispered like the words were as much a surprise to him as they were to her.

Their eyes met, something passed between them, something powerful, something that was pulling them closer like an invisible string ran from her heart to his. It was the strangest sensation and nothing she had ever experienced before.

Years of daydreaming about Zander couldn't have prepared her for what it felt like to be in his arms, his eyes on hers, this powerful emotion building between them.

When his head dipped and he leaned in closer, her lips tingled in anticipation of a kiss she was sure was coming.

But at the last moment, he pulled back. "I don't want to hurt you," he murmured.

"You won't. You wouldn't. You took care of me while I was having a seizure and afterward. You knew what to do without me having to tell you." Most people freaked after witnessing a seizure but not Zander.

"I researched the condition after I met you and learned that you had epilepsy," he admitted, making that warmth in her belly surge until it was almost burning hot. But burning in a different way than the arousal drug earlier. This heat was soothing, comforting, and reassuring. It was like somehow knowing for certain that everything was going to turn out okay.

"Thank you." He might have pulled back before kissing her, obviously because he had doubts about them—well, doubts about himself she suspected—but she had no such doubts. Framing his face, she tugged it down and feathered a kiss to his lips.

For a second, Zander just sat there, then a growl rumbled through his chest, and the next thing she knew his mouth was devouring hers. The kiss was steamy and powerful. Zander took full control of it, shifting her on his lap and angling her head to give him better access.

The kiss felt like a promise only she wasn't sure what he was promising.

To get her home safely?

To tell her what had happened to him?

To give this weird connection between them a chance?

And what did she want it to mean?

January 25 th

12:16 A.M.

Kissing her had been a mistake.

A big one.

Because now how was he supposed to walk away from her?

Zander was still wondering about that hours later as he held a sleeping Lucy in his arms.

Problem was, despite knowing it was a mistake as he did it, there was no way he could have stopped himself.

There was something between them. Always had been. He'd known it from the moment he met her. He'd liked Ella and Cassie, but he hadn't been compelled to go home and think about them every spare second. Hadn't gotten himself off to thoughts of them. Hadn't pictured them in his head when he'd been sure he was going to be tortured and murdered.

Only Lucy.

She was the only woman who had ever made him believe in the same things his sister did.

Until her, he'd thought Scarlett was crazy for being so determined to find love. Love didn't exist. Or at least, not the kind that filled songs, books, and movies. The kind of love his twin believed in was make-believe, it was what people convinced themselves of so they didn't have to live out an otherwise lonely existence. It certainly wasn't his experience with love.

Yet Scarlett had believed in it wholeheartedly.

While he'd thought it made her na?ve and possibly even a little weak and needy, he now realized it made her strong.

So much stronger than he'd ever been.

Because she'd somehow known the truth despite the fact that love hadn't been part of either of their childhoods. She'd understood so much more about the world than he had, and he was ashamed now of all the times he'd rolled his eyes at his sister's attempts at finding love.

It might have been a rocky road for her, but Scarlett had found her other half, and maybe … maybe he might have as well.

A glance at the sleeping woman in his lap filled him with completely unfamiliar emotions. But they felt nice. They felt right.

But no matter how right they felt, it didn't change anything.

Didn't undo what had happened to his team, didn't change the fact that darkness lived inside him now, didn't mean he could reach out and take the happy ending that could be waiting for him with Lucy.

She was so damn trusting. Despite his lies, despite what she'd been through, despite everything she believed in him.

So sweet.

So na?ve.

She had no idea of the kind of man he was. Of what he had allowed to happen.

"Zander?" Lucy's sleepy voice whispered his name as she stirred.

"Go back to sleep, baby." Unable to resist, he dropped a kiss to the top of her head.

"Can't, we need to keep walking." Although she desperately needed the rest, she was already pushing herself upright with a determination he knew wasn't going to be squashed.

"We can wait a little longer for you to rest some more." If he carried her and ran, they could make it to the extraction point in time and still let her sleep for another hour or so.

"Not if we want to stay ahead of Raul's men. They'll know better than us where the nearest towns are."

"We're not heading for a town, we're heading deeper into the jungle, the opposite way to where they'd expect us to go."

"Then how are we going to find a way to get home?" Lucy looked exhausted by the prospect of hiking for so long and through such thick rainforest, and he realized he'd never briefed her on the whole plan.

"We're hooking up with a team that Eagle is organizing to get us out," he told her.

Confusion filled her blue eyes. "Prey? How would they know where we are? I mean, other than knowing we crashed somewhere in Mexico?"

"I called them. I had a phone in my backpack, it survived the crash." Sighing, he dragged his fingers through his hair, knowing he had a lot to confess. "Luce, I was never going to let Raul get his hands on you. When I heard what happened with Scarlett, I made contact with Eagle. Explained that I was using the weapons dealer to bring down a terrorist group and would hand over all intel when I was done. Eagle knew that you were going to need to go back to Mexico to get more of the plant you were using so he asked me to fly the plane."

Lucy was staring at him with wide eyes, and he couldn't read what she was thinking so he just kept talking."

"He was worried about you and knew that if anything went wrong, I knew of a safe place to take you. We crashed close to Raul's house, that's why I couldn't let you go off on your own. My handler was about fifty miles or so away from where we went down. That's where I was taking you. I was going to have you hide out there with him while I went back to Raul to finish my mission. That way I could tell him you were gone when I woke up after the crash, and I had no idea where you were."

Lucy stared at him a moment longer then glowered at him and punched his arm. "You terrified me, ghost man. You could have just told me all that from the beginning."

"I didn't want you to get close enough to me to know any of that. I … didn't want you to hate me more than you already did when you learned the truth about what I was doing. It's not a pretty story, Lucy. And one that was bad enough that I would put my sister through hell just to do what I could to fix it in any way possible. After I was shot, and I realized you'd been taken, I called Prey. I knew if I called my handler, he'd tell me to stick with the plan. That your life was an acceptable sacrifice for the greater good, that you'd just be another casualty of war. But I couldn't let that happen. Not to you. Never to you."

The very thought of Lucy not being alive filled him with ice-cold dread.

It was like being asked to live out the rest of your life with a piece of yourself missing.

"So, I called Prey instead. I told them to give me forty-eight hours and arranged an exfil site. I thought I could get to Raul's and get you out within that timeframe. If we got out early we'd hide in the jungle, if I needed more time I could call them again and tell them. But I knew that you were more important than any mission. More important than revenge."

Softness and empathy filled Lucy's eyes, and instead of asking the questions he dreaded answering, she pressed herself closer, drawing his head down until their foreheads touched. "Thank you. I told you that you were a good man. I know the world we live in, know the evil that exists, and I don't know what happened to your team, but I know that life is always a better choice than death. Thank you for choosing my life over revenge."

"My team would have had my head if I didn't save you," he murmured with a rueful smile.

"They would? How would they even know about me?"

"Because they knew there was a woman I was interested in, they just didn't know your name. They all would have loved you. You're so strong, so brave, and so tough. You do what has to be done and you don't complain about it, you just do it. I miss them so much. I know I'm doing the right thing but …"

"But you wanted to avenge them," Lucy finished for him.

"They wouldn't want that. Not if it meant sacrificing you, but I can't help but feel like I'm letting them down all over again."

After a pause, Lucy's hold on him tightened. "What happened to your team, Zander?"

The dreaded question.

One he knew she would ask sooner or later.

There was an easy out. All he had to do was tell her it was classified, and yet this was Lucy, and she'd been dragged into this mess. She deserved an answer.

"Just another terrorist who wanted power and a big death toll. My team had solid intel on where he was hiding out in Syria. We headed in. Turned out the government had underestimated him and the number of men he had willing to fight and die with him. We were outnumbered, overpowered, and captured. They chained us up in this large open-roofed courtyard. The sun and heat were brutal. They didn't give us any water. In the middle of the yard was a table. One by one they took my men, chained them to it, and started killing them. Chopped off fingers, toes, ears at first, then moved on to hands and feet, then arms and legs. They put salt on the wounds to help them heal faster, plus it hurts like hell. I watched all seven of them bleed out in front of me."

Zander had to pause to still the nausea swelling inside him as the images flashed through his mind in rapid succession.

"Slow deaths. Agonizing deaths. Their screams … damn, I still hear them inside my head, I don't think they'll ever go away. The terrorists promised if I gave up the intel they wanted they'd make the deaths quick, but I couldn't do it. Not that my men wanted me to. I wouldn't give them the reaction they wanted. Wouldn't yell at them or lose my cool, on the outside anyway, because inside I was dying along with my brothers. I thought I was going to die there, too, but a team of SEALs came in just before it was my turn on the table and got me out."

Furious.

That's how he'd been with those men.

He'd wanted to die by that point, and they were taking away the only thing that might give him any relief, any peace.

"You have to understand, Lucy," he said a little desperately. "I wanted to die. I wished I had died there with my men. That's why when I was approached with a plan to catch the men responsible for my teams' deaths I had to take it. I was dead inside anyway. This was all I had. A chance to at least avenge the deaths of seven good men. So, I agreed to fake my death and pretend to have gone rogue. There was intel that Raul Castillo was going to be making a weapons deal with the head of the terrorist cell. Zafir Mostafa. I need him dead. I need him to pay for what he did. I was prepared to sacrifice anything, including letting my sister believe I was dead, to get that. It was all I've lived for the last eighteen months."

"But you gave up that vengeance for me." Lucy sounded completely awestruck by that as though he hadn't just told her how he was responsible for the horrific deaths of seven brave soldiers.

"He'll still pay, I just won't be the one to hand out his punishment." A sacrifice that was more than worth it. Lucy had to live. Quite simply, his soul needed her to be alive, to be safe.

"Zander?" Lucy asked softly. "What happens next? What do you do after he's dead?"

That was a question he had no answer for.

Because he hadn't planned on living.

He'd planned on taking out the terrorist and as many of his followers as he could and going out with them.

Now …

He had no idea.